Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Certainly, there's nothing more loved by sinister hobos, clown ghosts, and snaggletooth witches than nut logs. Also: All three of those are great doom metal band names.

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

No. No no no no no. Uh huh. No. I will not buy candy from something with punctuation eyebrows.

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Not only did that little %^@%#^! use my best sheet but he doesn't even know how to properly cut eyeholes!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

I'm handing out VHS tapes this year. The kid that gets Amityville 3D is going to be pissed!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Yet but another magazine that marginalizes zombies!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

I'm glad the Weeny Witch (tm) / Turkey Magician (tm) is fabulous because those kids costumes suck!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

I love Halloween. Halloween is my life ... but a pumpkin cookie is a bridge way too far! Also: What does the combination of pumpkin, cinnamon, sugar frosting, and candy corn taste like?

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Good idea, magazine, no treats for kids this year, they are getting a free jazz tom-tom solo!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Years later, the witch would have a house fall on her, the clown would become a demonic serial killer, and the pirate would die of scurvy, but, these were the good times!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Carefully cut the modeling chocolate, being sure not to touch the strings of marshmallow wrapped around every drawer, pot and utensils after making Rice Krispie treats!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Trick or Treat! One scoop each!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

The sentient corn stalk eats the oversized Milky Way, and the clown eats the corn stalk. It's the great circle of WHAT THE HELL.

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Welcome to Hell, mortal! Our candy is baked beans and our music is country! Now, do-si-do for all of eternity!!!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Every Halloween, I wonder if this is the one where I'll grow tired of it ... and then a witch balancing a pumpkin on her butt rides up on her motorcycle and hands me a pop, and everything is right with the world again!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Finally, the Better Homes and Gardens Halloween special is here! I hope it has a recipe for purple warty black pumpkin!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Only 1 out of 10 is cheese!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Eat enough candy corn and your hair will turn neon orange and yellow, too!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

She won't take you back? Well, this Halloween, put that box of assorted candies to good use!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

You put a packet of flavored drink mix in my Halloween bag and we'd better be at Jonestown or you are getting the t-p treatment!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

The kids are loving this because all of the horny dads taking them trick or treating have circled this house multiple times!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Hey, kids, don't cut out the Mars logo! That's branding and it's more important than your safety!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Well, somebody is ending up chained to a pipe in her basement!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

"So, follow me here ... for this ad, we want the pumpkins to be square, the bats to be pandas with wings stapled to them, and all witches must front fart black dots."

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

I like how they draw the pirate hook over the nerds, good luck eating those with a hook! That's a real jerk move!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

All candy delivered from broom by witches. Kindly do not ask your delivery witch where the candy is stored. Under no circumstances order the gum.

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Hey kids, just let me reach into my giant bucket of wax shaped like corn, wax shaped like Indian corn, wax shaped like a pumpkin, or some wax shaped like a turkey left over from the last Thanksgiving. Happy Halloween!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

I'm exactly like the tooth fairy, except I come in the dead of night with my own pair of pliers!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Sure, make your deadly anti-freeze ad look just like a candy ad for Halloween. That pumpkin isn't being cold, it's exhaling because it just narrowly avoided a lawsuit!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Don't worry kids, I ate the witch! She tasted like chalk!

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

Alternate take for Halloween 3: Season of the Witch.

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

I'll give them credit for all the ways they package it, but I'm still not eating candy made primarily out of leaves.

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

After only 5 or 6 Rheingold's, paper-hat-witch-pumpkin starts whispering on how to get rid of that lazy husband: "Kill him with my nose, then eat it, it's the perfect crime!"

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

This year, I'm handing out candy bars the size of a brick.

Candy of Shame Halloween 2026

When you've run out of candy and don't want to admit it, so you pull out the cereal your kid won't eat because it has a serial killer clown on it. Also, might contain SUGAR, possibly. Two months of halloween starts today!