Saturday, August 30, 2014

Your Final Answer: Episode 1

The Halloween 2014 Season begins a day early on the parade.

Nothing is better than the crisp autumn days ringed by the enclosing doom of the early, encroaching darkness leading up to All Hallow's Eve.  I love it, all the plastic skeletons I'll liter about the yard love it, and so this blog loves it, and it's here I launch my new video series ...

Your Final Answer [Episode 1]

Where the eternal embodiment of death takes on your viewer questions.  Note: He's a bit cranky and might never get to answering the question, or just answer it with two barges full of snark.  Also,  a drunk squirrel seems to be involved.

Leave a comment with a question, or leave one on the youtube video!  Leave one somewhere, the reaper's a bit lonely, seeing that his touch causes all live things to die.  Wait, that got sad.

Welcome to the 2 month Halloween 2014 Season
on the Parade of Horrorables!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Will be quiet for a couple days as the Parade prepares for the Two Months of Halloween celebration.  Something special is coming with that ...

Stay tuned!

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Unknown Comics 10

Hoo boy, this unknown comic was for an Asian dating service.  It should never have seen the light of day.  Only a site like the parade, either brave or with nothing to lose (spoiler: nothing to lose) would publish this.

(click to read!)

Scan from Four Color Shadows.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Unknown Comics 9

We are days away from two months of Halloween, so how about a pretty misguided attempt at the updating the the Rudolph story?  That's the kind of topical service we present here at the Parade!

(click to read!)

Scan from Pappy's Golden Age

Friday, August 15, 2014

Unknown Comics 8

There seems to be a bit of a mix-up with this one.  This unknown comic was an attempt by a company to make a comic that advertised it's chicken strips ... but the writer seemed to take "chicken" and "strip" in the wrong context.

(click to read!)

Scan from Pappy's Golden Age

Monday, August 11, 2014

Unknown Comics 7

Another unknown comic, this one from a Danish version of the teenage girl magazine Teen Beat.  Teen girls are the same all over the world, but the music they listen to certainly isn't ...

(click to make readable!)

Scan from Four Color Shadows.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

The Spaghetti Strip: Sexy Proibitissimo, Part 7

It new to this series, start here.

Did you read too much Heavy Metal magazine when you were young and developed a fetish for bug-eyed monsters and naked woman?  You have?  Well, get ready to have that fetish ground into the dust.  After this final segment of Sexy Proibitissimo you'll incinerate all your copies of Heavy Metal and then bury the ashes at the crossroads so they might never rise again.

Let's not land here, it looks moldy.

Our final segment starts with rocket ship orbiting a planet made exclusively of swamp water and stale bread.  Out of all the sci-fi I've seen, a rocket ship orbiting a planet has never lead to stripping, but maybe this is some kind of intergalactic house-call stripping service?  It's probably the only service where you not only have to specify male or female, but also note the number of tentacles.*

* sure to get google hits.

Uh, sexy?

The set is certainly goofy, but it's still way to expensive (remember this was the 60s) for a simple stripping movie.  I suspect a general sci-fi set was used. When the next serious sci-fi film was shot here, did they wonder why there was glitter and panties everywhere?

Space panties or extra aluminum foil?

For some reason not mentioned by the movie, our space babe starts stripping.  Did she check the atmosphere before hand?  It's fun to watch a stripper with big breasts, but not because the pressure is wrong and her body is slowly inflating before it pops like a whale carcass.

This advanced alien race has mastered the use of cardboard backdrops.

Our audience, a couple bucks of plastic tubes from the local hardware store, are sitting in mute appreciation of this sexy dance, or, more than likely, wondering what the hell this pink blobby thing is up to.  Is it aggressive?  Why does it keep shaking it's fatty deposits?  Should they get the atomic guns ready before it starts leaving stains everywhere?

Frolicking amongst the paper-mache!

And so ends Sexy Proibitissimo and my worst typing nightmare, except when I get back to the missing monster segments for my two months of Halloween.  Yea, I guess?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Spaghetti Strip: Sexy Proibitissimo, Part 6

It new to this series, start here.

We are skipping three segments of Sexy Proibitissimo -- and a wild cheer goes up in the peanut gallery -- because I'm saving them for the two months of Halloween celebration.  There's stripping (actually, more rolling around with various spinal injuries) and monsters.  This next segment doesn't have a monster ...


I stand corrected!

What we have here is the start of a Japanese stripping segment.  Japanese, you say?  What's Japanese about anything in that frame?  I'm sorry that, unlike me, you aren't a cultured world traveller.  That is, in fact, the Egyptian Jackal God, Anubis, who is very, very Japanese.  Totally Japanese.

Well, he likes anime, I heard.  And that one "I'm Turning Japanese" song.

If you buy that, than you'll buy that the featured stripper is very much an Asian dancer, and not another Italian woman.

The digital pause again ruins a perfectly good strip routine.

She has all the hallmarks of a Japanese woman, especially the flaming red hair and the giant, grotesque granny panties.

If this was really Japanese, they'd blur the whole scene!

The leaning tower of dork.

There's a short, Benny Hill-ish type skit next, if you remove the Benny Hill, the music, the kinetic movement, the humor, and the involuntary action that keeps bile in my stomach.

Basically, it's an old guy staring at women in bikinis.  Ladies and gentleman, filler in a stripping film!

A drunk sailor character does not bode well for the plot of a stripper movie.

Our next segment features a drunken sailor peering (there's an "r" in that) into an empty bottle.  With any luck, this scene will end with him being drugged and shanghaied away to work grueling hours on a boat and develop scurvy and a tender love for a small hole in the aft deck.

But it doesn't.  Instead, magically appearing in the bottle is ... and I know how shocking a revelation this will be ... another stripper.

Wow, Barbra Eden is a real looker!

This one actually decides to smile while dancing, which makes me wonder:  what is it with the grim countenance of most of these 60s strippers?  It's like somebody is yelling "strip or the puppy dies" right off camera!

I guess this one absolutely hates puppies.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

The Spaghetti Strip: Sexy Proibitissimo, Part 5

It new to this series, start here.

In this segment of Sexy Proibitissimo, we have two more historical stripping scenes.  The first is the cliché Lady Godiva.  Let's get right to the nude lady and an embarrassed horse.

Lady Godiva, the non-candy version.

Notice the horse has blinders on ... was the horse some kind of pervert that kept ruining the shot, or is this a reflection on the actress they got to play this part?  Is that why they shot her from a distance? Does a series of questions constitute a joke?  On this blog it does!

Bonus poop joke/question: Is it good to ride a white horse when you are wearing no pants?

I hope they follow this up with something in good taste:

The blood stain is a nice touch in your stripping movie!

Really movie.  Really.

Let's hope this doesn't go down a dark path, but I suspect the path we are about to embark upon is filled with trolls, ogres, and a director who probably spent his early years burying his sister's dolls up to their necks and then running over them with a lawn mower.


Gallows Pole: The Musical was a really terrible idea.

Nothing screams "sexy stripping" like stripping done to save yourself from dying a grisly death in the guillotine!  What next, movie?  Stripping to avoid the punch at Jonestown?

Yes, this scene is exactly what it seems.  To avoid getting beheaded, this woman does a strip show for the execution.  I wonder how much she's in to it?

Just what I want in my stripping movie -- mortal terror on the stripper.

About that much.

Not that anything in this movie went through any kind of committee, but did nobody speak up about this?  Nobody on the set?

"Hey, director, I know you want me to dress up as an executioner and watch a woman strip with a look of horror on her face, but maybe we could find some other historical time to strip to, like, I don't know, like stripping during the mass suicide at Masada?  Just an ideal!"

Keep the bonnet on, the executioner likes that!

Now, a long way to go for a joke: Our lady survives the French revolution, unlike Marie Antoinette, who gave the people the wrong slice of pie.

Friday, August 1, 2014

The Spaghetti Strip: Sexy Proibitissimo, Part 4

It new to this series, start here.

More Sexy Proibitissimo, wether you like it or not.  Today our journey of historical stripping takes us to ancient Egypt, and based on this movie, it's the land of bad Liz Taylor imitators and Funkadelic back-up singers.

I hope that's milk!

Here we have the well known Cleopatra milk bath.  For those wishing to duplicate it, the formula is:
  • Milk
  • Honey
  • Roughly 82 metric tons of sand

Mix throughly, stick head end of an asp to your breast, die.  Asp part mandatory.

What, no, what makes you think Katy Perry exploits other cultures?

History Geek-ing here for a second.  One thing this segment shows is the actual multicultural make-up of the Egyptian Empire.  I highly doubt the film makers meant to be so progressive, unless they meant progressively less clothes.

Also, History Hypocritical Geek-ing here for another second.  The Asp/breast thing isn't historically proven.

Alright, back to the boobs!

I really, really hope that's milk!

That milk has got to be getting all up in the sorts of places milk was never meant to go.  If she dances too hard she's going to have butter coming out her butt.  Great, there's another couple of google hits right there from very surprised and very specific fetishists.

'Tis a fetching table cloth cape, my good knight!

The next segment is the courtly love in the Middle Ages, where women didn't shave and everybody smelled like dying cattle filled with dying plague flea infested rats -- so -- just like the Ren Fair!  Ha! I really stuck it to the people who have literally been the butt of jokes for decades.  That's the kind of high caliber comedy you'll get here, one step above open-mic night at the local country bar.

This segment is all about the newly married man finally getting a look at his bride.  Will see represent the typical woman of Mediaeval times?

Blue cardboard brick, all the rage in the middle ages.

Oh course not.

You know, on second thought, I'm thinking the cities overflowing with sewage and the dead weren't so bad after all!