Wednesday, November 27, 2013

A Bevy of Bo-ob-s: Boin-n-g, Part 5

If new to this series, start here.

The next couple of segments are so funny that you will laugh until you cry.  Note that you might skip one of the steps there.

I can't believe they used a serif and sans-serif font on the same sign.  Shame!

What follows is a workshop on the fine craft of comedy writing.  You have the setup, than you have the joke.  The setup isn't that the Batman is taking his war on crime a bit too far, but that our babes are about to encounter a plant that produces toxins that basically makes you break out in blisters, and can actually cause asphyxiation in a small bit of the population.

Comedy Gold!

So, we have the setup.  What's the joke?

Well, it's a fetish for somebody.

Painful, itchy rashes on the tuccus.  The film makers actually painted something red on their butts, but I think the bad pantomimed scratching was enough of a give-away.  Or they were turning into majestic red-butted monkeys.

So, reviewing our lesson, you have a lame setup by using a sign, in what we like to call the sledgehammer method of setup, and then deliver the punchline, in what we like to call the dental drill into the eye socket method of punchlines.

All in all, about as painful to watch as it is to itch.

We only wear our best heels when playing ball!  Wheeee!

There's an extended scene with these two ladies playing ball with each other.  It contains one of my favorite pet peeves about these movies (I'd like to pet the women and they'd be peeved if I tried) ... the heels.  These aren't the kind of 6 inch stilettos you see now-a-days, but they certainly aren't regular ball playing footwear.

I want to make a quick point about the hedge, which looks less like a hedge and more like a pile of salad fixings for a really hungry hippo.

Johnny LaRue couldn't get this, but these jokers do?  No justice!

The next bit involves a crane shot with another predictable joke (the crane falls, ha ha, major bone and organ damage!)  But it's a real shooting crane!  Those things aren't cheap, so much that SCTV pretty much spent an entire episode complaining about it.

Welcome to shooting a quick cash-in movie in the 60s.  No safety harness.  Using one hand as the other is holding what is a pretty heavy camera.

And what was all this for?

It's really jammed up in there!

Yes, it's what it looks like, they left in a scene where the woman picks the panties out of her butt crack.  Lewis and Friedman will leave no stone unturned -- and no wad of synthetic material jammed so far up a woman's crack that it's tickling her nose hairs -- in the quest for sexy.

This one's for you, strange fetish people.  Don't like itchy butts?  Here's picked butts!

My favorite three dwarfs: insane, medicated, and smug.

And ... girls ... try to look sexy!
Ready ....

Damn it. 

We're making what kind of movie?

After all these shots, it turns out there's no film in the camera.  Sadly, they didn't have the rights to the wah-wah music.  Even more sad, it was the film in the fake camera in the fake movie, not the real film in the real camera in the real movie, which is real annoying.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

A Bevy of Bo-ob-s: Boin-n-g, Part 4

If new to this series, start here.

And we're back after a short absence, obviously caused by some kind of god-based denial of service attack, aka, giant-ass tree-toppling wind storm.  What does this unknown cosmic entity have against goofy comedy sketches backed up with flute-and-organ based music and a smattering of boobs?

I guess all modern gods are prudes, just based on random sampling.  Oh, to go back to the days of gods that would turn into a goose to ravish a fair maiden.  Speaking of ravishing ...

Helpful note: Always kidnap the old and infirm, they are easier to grab.

A previously unseen character is whisked out of a house for refusing to participate in this slightly sexy -- and about as filthy as the floor of a five-star restaurant -- film.  Our directors have employed the slightly unorthodox method called "drag the kicking and screaming girl towards the camera."

Though, to be fair, she is getting a little carried away with the modest clothes.  It's as if she's trying too hard, but I can't possibly, in any of the myriad universes, see this film using the twist that she gets naked anyway.  And speaking of trying too hard, that was sarcasm, by the way.  I tried too hard, didn't I?

Now we know where Michael Jackson got that move.

If dragging doesn't work aggravated assault usually does.

Back where the action is, we are about to find out what happens to our pretty ladies when the director yells "Look Sultry" and the camera starts rolling?  This brings us to the feature we call:

Our Gallery Of Close-But-No-Cigar
(not in the Sigmund Freud sense)
Sultry Look Round Up

You're absolutely positive it's not moving, right?  You're sure?  I swear I heard something.  I really want to turn around.  Honestly, I don't trust that rose.

Roses have always hated me.

Arrrggghhh!  Fire bad!  Fire bad!

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the f**k do you think you're talking to?

Oh wait, you are talking to me, I'm naked.  My bad!

Yes, that's the woman from before, who basically gets naked for the reason -- and I kid you not -- throwing her arms up into the air and go "eh, why not."  I'm more willing to believe the Anakin transformation in Revenge of the Sith from nice guy Jedi to children murdering Sith than I believe this.  And she still seems angry.  Really, really angry.

Stop looking at her.  You could die.

Finally, the butts you've been waiting for!

Of course, it ends with our heroes chasing her across a field.  Comedy!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

An Update from the Dark Lord

This Sunday (argh, it burns, buuurrrnnns) was a bit biblical.  Somebody really has it out for me!

Power and internet all got smashed in what I like to call "the great wind storm of 2013", of which many a folk tune shall be written about how the driving wind knocked over my neighbor Edward Fitzgerald.  Regular posting shall resume as soon as humanly demonically possible.

I know you are all wondering what's going to happen next in Boin-n-g!  Spoiler: More boobs.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

A Bevy of Bo-ob-s: Boin-n-g, Part 3

If new to this series, start here.

This next section features a jaunty musical score played on a calliope powered by the dying screams of hell-bound lost souls and recorded inside a cement mixer.  Used as a form of torture in various alien dimensions, the song, titled "The Many Tentacled Dark One Comes to Suck Your Marrow and He's in a Festive Circus Mood," is a perfect fit for this movie.

The original pilot for the A-Team tested very poorly.

Our two numb-nuts are finally getting around to shooting their movie.  They need to sit down as they are very tired from fighting in the contest to see who's dressed the most embarrassing.  Baggy shorts and black socks guy is pretty confident, but the other guy does have an extremely stupid hat.

"I thought we agreed that I was wearing the yellow pants today!"

Wait ... hold on.  I'm not sure what I'm seeing here.  Let's take a closer look.

Is this humanly possible?  I mean, I see it, on the screen, and this is long before CGI.  How does this even work?  Is it held in there by friction?  Is it some kind of talented use of gaffer's tape and spirit gum?  Are industrial processes used here?  An early form of vacuum molding?  The mind boggles!

It's a bad sign when the directory is that un-observant.

Our movie takes place at a regal estate full of sandstone buildings, beautiful flowers and landscaping, and chiggers the size of overweight cats.  Everybody take off your clothes!  We're going to poke the chiggers with sticks to see what happens!

He's having trouble counting up to the number of boobs.

I just noticed that the guy's shirt matches the women's panties.  I'd say we should give the designer a chocolate chip cookie but you're not supposed to feed chocolate to dogs, especially one suicidal enough to work on this movie.

This is the hot chick from the office yesterday, and she "always gives men what they pay for."  On the payment form, is there a line item for chlamydia?

Just because "pantaloons" sounds like "panties" doesn't mean they are sexy.

So our movie gets under way, and it seems to be a sexy Quincy cosplay.

"Oh Quincy, how about you examine this body!"
"Doll, I can't wait to examine a more ... lively subject!"

Script writes itself.  Call me Hollywood.  I think 50% of domestic profit for Quincy: ME (Mammary Examiner) and 75% international is fair.

Is there really a hot lady corral?

Here they are trying to film the opening titles with comedy action in a beautiful field, all set to migraine inducing flute music.  It's just like my summer camp experience, but with 100% less boobs and 30% more swirlies.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

A Bevy of Bo-ob-s: Boin-n-g, Part 2

If new to this series, start here.

When we last left our heroes, they were planning how to get equipment and women for their movie.  That's what we in the business call a macguffin, which is a device to move the plot along, or, in this case, the plot itself is a macguffin to drive us to the boobs.  As a macguffin, that's equivalent to the Maltese Falcon, right?

This is why I flunked out of film school.

There's "platinum blonde" and then there's "scared by a ghost blonde."

Our first lovely lady shows up at the offices of our ad copy artist, and says that she's out of photos.  She's sold them all, so she'll have to just "show" the secretary.  In the 60s, we call this comedy.  In the 00s, we call this inappropriate workplace behavior.

Have things gotten better or worse?  Well, nobody is showing breasts in offices, but then again, nobody is dyeing their hair the color of flour, so I guess it's basically a wash.

She's not a prude, it's just the cat suckling on the third nipple was a bit too much.

Comedy, boys and girls.  Comedy.  Or a close approximation.

Did people in this office have to fight over who gets to have their desk near the mural?  And did this woman lose?  That thing is painted in the most dull browns imaginable and looks like a Jurassic landscape painted by a slightly drunk apatosarus. 

They don't take no gruff at the S&H!

Lewis and Friedman give us a glimpse into the nudie filmmaking process.

No joke: That's exactly how I draw dogs.  Honest.

I enhanced this still because it was really washed out on film.  The same secretary from before tells our ad artist that he's been -- by mistake -- drawing hot women on his ad copy.

And now, some honestly from this blog author.

I laughed my ass off at that.  The rest of this film can suck, but the expression on that dog is just wonderful.  The impossible balloon like body, the drop of drool, and the fact that nobody cared to spend a minute to come up with an actual dog food name made this something spectacular.

I could put down this blog right now and never do this again.  I know you want me too, I know my mental health wants me too, but the prison board says I have to finish my obligation.  That's what happens when you burn down the film school for rejecting your Maltese Falcon essay.

Nobody wears a plastic table cloth as well as you!

The secretary informs her boss that she'd like to be in his movie, and he's overjoyed at the prospect of an actress that is fresh and therefore doesn't know the pay scale.  You'd say, "how do you know that", and I'd reply "look at that mustache."

And now, it wouldn't be a 60s nudie film without the ol' stand-by:

Sign of a good actor: Knowing when a scene calls for the look of slight boredom.

Granny Panties.

Available in large, extra-large, 8-camper tent size, and made with the finest of burlap.

Friday, November 8, 2013

A Bevy of Bo-ob-s: Boin-n-g, Part 1

Here's another long and exhaustive review, and I don't mean in the informational sense, but the truly exhausting and soul smearing slog that can only be felt when you by mistake land on this blog after doing an embarrassing search.

So who's responsible for this one?  Herschell Gorden Lewis and David F. Friedman.  Again.  Another smoldering slab of 60s nudie-cutie filming.  Get out your knee-pads, eye protection and disinfectant, here's Boin-n-g!

That sure is a funny way to spell "boin-n-g!"

The plot of this film, and I'm referring to the burial hole that I want to plant it in and not any kind of strung together narrative, is two regular joes realizing that all these nudie-cutie movies are pretty awful, and that they should be able to create one themselves.  This is Lewis and Friedman poking fun at the business they themselves had a big hand in creating.  Irony!  Wait, that's wrong, I meant I want to hit this movie with an iron.

Therefore, the crazy title card in a proto-comic sans that's even more instantly irritating than the real comic sans, and I read comics.  What, you mean somebody with a low-traffic comedy blog watching 60s nudie films reads comics?  Pshaw!

After using, always inspect the toilet paper for odd stains.

The credits are interspersed with this woman looking through old film stock.  If you've ever played with real film stock, it can be rather sharp on the edges, and I hope this isn't how the thong was invented, or somebody is going to be sawing off a butt cheek.

It's a studio and a theatre!  And, it seems, a drive-in!

We start at a movie theatre showing The Adventures of Lucky Pierre, another Lewis and Friedman nudie-cutie film.  As a matter of fact, every poster you see in this film is from either a Lewis or a Lewis/Friedman movie.  And that's only a very small percentage of the films they did.  This means I have many years of content ahead of me.  Which also means I'll be back to finish this review after I get done crying in a fetal position.

Look at this theatre, though.  How cool is that?  Why don't we have things like this anymore, with some real style, even though the style seems to be Popeye Meets Sinbad the Sailor mashed up with a furniture warehouse.

Two boobs.  Not the ones you were hoping for.

Here's our two heroes, back from watching a nudie picture, deciding that they too can create some of that wonderful entertainment, and also have, and I want to point out that this is said in a way that makes me feel like Slimer just ran through me, that there are "side benefits."

Uh, no.  Let me list the reasons:
  • White socks with dress shoes
  • Unripe-banana-yellow colored jacket
  • Chairs evidently made out of slightly moldy marshmallows
Pine-infused rec room?  Well, sure, that is a chick magnet!

I'm dreaming of lapels this big!

I can't go through a single one of these films without at least twenty stills that I can label "last thing serial killer victim sees."

Jerry Lewis, hour 47 of telethon.

Note that at this point, we are over 10 minutes into what seems, for all intents and purposes, to be a nudie-cutie film.  It instead seems that it's some kind of 60s work-place training video for hair-goop, smoking, and eye-glass wearing tips.  So far, the most sexy thing in this flick are the tassels on the lamp.

Will it get better?

I hope so.  You don't have to read, but I'm stuck watching it!

Onward, part 2!

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Kick Axe: On The Road to Rock

8 Things I Learned from the metal video:

Kick Axe
On the Road to Rock

1. God is a giant, glowing, Canadian clamp monster

Philosophically speaking, this explains a whole hell of a lot.  It does, however, mean I'm probably going to hell for all the Canada bashing that is to follow in this post.  I assume my infinite torture will involve clamps.

2. Classical music sucks

Clamp god hates classical music, and would rather hear three power chords strung together by a band that, only a single year ago, was selling maple syrup out of the back of a truck at hockey games.

Granted, there's a lot more half-naked chicks in metal, so maybe clamp god's got something right there in his infinite wisdom.

3. High schools always have hot teachers in disguise

The sexiness can only be released by the bare minimum of musicianship and a song that wouldn't be catchy if you gave it herpes and set it free at a Phish concert.

4. Canada is so low on musicians that they had to thaw out a caveman

It causes all sorts of problems when the flash pots go off and he runs around screaming about vengeful sky gods.  He hasn't yet been completely convinced of the whole giant glowing clamp god yet.

The mist behind him?  Not mysterious smoke, but just the temperature inversion because this is Canada and it's -30 celsius or whatever crazy moon man system they use over there in Canada.  'merica!

5. This school is only full of Kick Axe fans

It's either that or Bryan Adams or Loverboy, so I think they made the right decision.

Right now, all over the internet, angry Rush fans and popping keys off their keyboards from rage typing angry comments.  Honestly, don't you have polar bears to run from?  Remember, the Canada bashing will not let up until moral improves.

6. Kick Axe fans can't take care of shirts

Is it that hard to not rip every shirt?  Is this because Canadians wash everything on rocks by the frozen rivers?

Who is the front women off to the left?  She looks a mummified version of Mae West.

7. This is one good thing about Canada

It seems there's such a shortage of men because of polar bear/maple syrup/hockey related injuries that even old guys can get relatively -- by Canadian standards -- hot young women.

I'm still puzzling out who is wearing their pants up too high in this clip.  This is not something that should ever be a contest between young woman and old man.

8. The editor hates the singer

If you've got another reason for this making it into the video, I'd like to hear it.