Saturday, September 28, 2013

Halloween 2013: The Real Countdown Set to Launch

First off, visit the home of the Halloween Countdown blog round-up, full of other great blogs posting spooky content for all of October.

This blog's 31 days of Halloween Celebration is set to launch October 1st, and ...

Fruit Brute: Alright!  The respect I deserve is finally coming to me!  31 days, all dedicated to Fruit Brute!  First, I'm back in the stores, and second, Count Chocula can kiss my furry tick-ridden ...

What, no, no, sorry Fruit "Frute" Brute.  No, it's not ...

DroolWolf: Ah ha, it's me, the Werewolf from Werewolf Bongo Party!  Finally, I get a month dedicated to my copious buckets of drool!  My genius has been ...

Uh, no, hell no!

No, for 31 days, you are going to read and/or being painful subjected to:

You tell 'em, Kitty!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Halloween 2013: Sexy Costume Fix 6

We are a couple days away from October, and that's when I unveil my 31 days of Halloween posts.  It's sure to be a classic bit of internet comedy -- that is if you only compare it to this blog and those really sad big-eyed dog paintings.  So, stick around for that!

And with that, we have time to squeeze in one more Sexy Costume Fix, where this blog and my drunk snail level photo editing skills fix the season's sexy costumes.

Today's Costume
Sexy Skunk

It exists.  My photo editing skills aren't that good.

Normally I create some silly after image, but this time I think it's better to delve into PSA terroritory.  Really, don't get this costume.  Yes, you might think it makes you look cute and sexy, but the world is full of some very terrible people.

People who have no ideas of boundaries.
People who routinely make unwanted advances towards women, and never seem to be called on it or suffer any punishment.

I'm not attempting to blame the victim, but a skunk costume is just asking for it.  For example:

The great thing about this blog?  Every time I think I've hit peak stupid, I have another idea!

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Halloween 2013: Robot Monster Riffs Betty Boop

A first here for Halloween 2012, a video, from our lovable indecisive pal, Robot Monster!

Robot Monster, has a couple things to say about the banned 1933 Betty Boop Cartoon, "Betty Boop's Hallowe'en Party" and quickly wears out his welcome.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Halloween 2013: Lesser Halloween Candy Round-Up!

A staple of the 2 months of Halloween blogs is the Halloween Candy Round-Up.  I can't compete on content -- and while I have a killer pair of stems* -- which sadly doesn't come through on a blog very well -- I'm forced to stick to ground not covered by those other blogs.  Therefore, I'll deal exclusively with lesser Halloween candy.

* say in a 1920s gangster voice for full effect.

Halloween 2013 Lesser Candy Round-Up!


These healthy and delicious treats have that great natural flavor with barely the faintest hints of steel and shrieking pain.  A Halloween staple for many years, these candies impart their beautiful red color into your tongue in the form of many fine slivers of bleeding cheek flesh.

Popcorn Balls

Another staple of really, really cranky old people, popcorn balls are not only tasty but good for you -- well, as long as you happen to be TrapJaw.


Otherwise, it's best to chew gingerly or just hand it off to a cow that has magnets in its stomach.

Candy Corn

Made in the finest vats of secret government re-animation juice, candy corn is aged to perfection right along side the putrefaction of you army-regulation slime-man zombie.  Guaranteed not to convert you into a flesh craving dead thing; shamble into the nearest government office for a refund and complementary brain if not satisfied.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Halloween 2013: Sexy Costume Fix 5

You'd think with the kind of money they charge, the manufacturers of these costumes could be a bit more on-target for the year's scariest season -- but no -- it takes a low-budget thinks-hes-funny comedy blogger and his terrible photo editing skills to increase the scary factor.

You're welcome, you ingrates!

Today's Costume
Sexy Witch

Somebody is going to get a hell of a chaffing riding a broom with those panties.

Our sexy witch is doing OK with the sexy but poor with the scare, it seems less likely she's going to straddle a broom but more likely she'll be straddling a pole in Sir Ta-Tas Boobie Bar.  The only spell she's going to cast is opening up your wallet for it's ones and fives.

Still, how does our special halloween guest, Ozzy "Prince of Darkness" Osbourne feel about this?

Before you get to excited, remember that Ozzy also gives his thumbs up to downing an entire bottle of cough syryup.

Still, let's fix this.  It needs a bit more witch and bit less stripper.  I think the greatest of all horror artists, "Ghastly" Graham Ingels, can help us with this:

Much better!  Let's check back in with Ozzy and see what he thinks ...

Well, you can't win them all!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Halloween 2013: A Terrifying Visit to the Bark at the Moon Haunted House

Down the street from my modest abode is a new haunted walk-through attraction, the "Bark at the Moon Haunted House."  What horrors could lie within these black plastic covered walls?  What slithering fear creeps between the plastic skeletons and animated throw-up barrel zombie?  Let's enter and find out!

First we encounter our mad scientist; this scientist might just be a little too mad, or a little too full of Mad Dog 20/20, the booze that prides itself on being indistinguishable from windex.

What will happen when he drinks this foul concoction?  I'm not sure, but I can tell you that the time is probably Tuesday at 3 pm.

Turn the corner in the haunt and you encounter a snarling man-sized cocker spaniel with a terrible mange problem.

Wait, what?  Sorry, werewolf.  Werewolf!  My bad.

This vicious beast leaps at you, corners you, and requests the number of a good dentist.

The next section of this terrifying haunted house is the lunatic asylum.  You see the silent pain of many inmates who were ultimately driven made by mild cocker spaniel attacks.  Wheel back in fear as they lunge at you, only stopped by their chains and counter-weighted by their luxurious metal hair.

Every inmate is accompanied by two roadies who might or might not be able to get you in to the see the band, but if they do you a favor, you know, maybe you should do them a favor.

Didn't realize the place was that scary, did you?

Next up is the hall of really unflattering camera angles.

Go through another garbage-bag-strip door and you're in the room of the moderately frightening vampires or a type of "hell house" room designed to scare you into getting braces.

These fiends from hell will either attempt to bite you or just attempt to close their mouths.

The next room forces you to confront your fear of death and/or special effects from the Halloween discount rack at Target.

Here you see the end result of a life of debauchery, a life of sin and hedonism, a life with a management and video team that can't say no because your a big star and I don't care how silly it looks I'm Ozzy Prince of Darkness Osbourne and I say it's great!

Fine, you get your plastic corpse, you prima donna!

You can feel your getting to the end of this haunted house, your nerves are already frayed beyond belief and you just want it to be over.  Still you have to encounter the wailing man, a tortured spirit who is forced to wander this earth for some unknown sin, though I think it's probably agreeing to do the album "Technical Ecstasy."

The final room in this house of horrors is at one time both the most scary and the most perplexing room.  It's the Den of Polite Freddy Mercurys.  Nice guys, all of them, but just slightly sinister.

Might attempt to talk you into a monochromatic leotard.  That is your cue to exit as fast as possible!

Finally free of the terrors, you and your date can exit this haunted attraction knowing full well that no matter what horrors you saw there, there's no way it would scar your psyche so bad that you would consider dressing up like a giant bumble bee for the next tour.


Saturday, September 7, 2013

Halloween 2013: Even More Charlie Brown Costume Improvements

As fans of the Peanuts Halloween special know, Charlie Brown's DIY costume is pretty pathetic.

Also notice the single star in this frame.  It seems the animators had that same DIY aesthetic rub off on them!  Or, possibly, it's a UFO, a hold over from the time the script was much darker and full of probing scenes, which would nicely tie up the with the additional holes in the costume.

Hollywood, call me.

So, let's see what quick improvements Charlie Brown could have made.

Marie Antoinette

This costume is a rather simple fix requiring only a hacksaw, a comedy wig, and the ability to survive without a head.


Another costume with very little additional prep; just track down a werewolf and get him to bite you, with bonus points awarded if it's a sexy female werewolf ala The Howling.

Cartoon Mallet Damage

Finally, a costume only requiring one other item, a large mallet.  If you can't find a mallet, you can try to use the badly-drawn rock.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Halloween 2013: Sexy Costume Fix 4

Think of these September posts as the run-up to what will surely be one of the most fondly remembered 31-day, Halloween-based, internet comedy pieces ... or at least that's how I comfort myself when I'm coming down from the mellowcreme pumpkin high.

Great sites like Dinosaur Dracula and i-Mockery can do two months, so I feel that I can do it, too, or at least attempt a lame version of it.  It's better than my usual begging for comments!

Now, a return of one of last season's favorite bits [note: possible pumpkin high crash, bit my not be favorite of anybody] where I fix "sexy" Halloween costumes.

Today's Costume
Sexy Skeleton

The problem?  Not that scary, and it doesn't really read "skeleton," it reads "sexy woman decided to paint room off-white in black lingerie."

This can definitely be improved.

I think a certain great, classic horror actor could fix this ...

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Van Patten, Dick: The Secret Dream Models of Oliver Nibble, Part 4

If new to this series, start here.

The Secret Dream Models of Oliver Nibble slowly grinds down to it's inventible conclusion of boobs, dancing, and that icky sensation rolling down the back of your spine.  Let's see what our last lady has to offer.

Emergency exits are to the front and left ...

Here we see her modeling the latest in 60s fashion, the wallpaper and masking tape dress.  All the rage with any style-forward homeless women!  This dress serves as a perfect complement to those cold nights around the burning fire barrel, just don't get to close to the flying embers!

Get a few drinks in Mary Tyler Moore and she's a wild cat!

Next up our lovely model shows off the super hot brain-splatter-less Jackie-O dress.  A real stunner for any caravan where bullets might fly and the fashionable lady has to catch her husband's brains with aplomb!

What I'm trying to say is it was never proven conclusively that Dick Van Patten wasn't the second shooter.

Coincidence?  Or just a bad joke?  You decide!  (It's a bad joke.)

Damn it, I told you to stop playing sexy lady with the drapes!

Finally, watch as she models the hottest look for the '67 Sears lingerie line -- it might look like she clubbed a series of grandmothers and sewed their aprons into a sack-like pastel-flower nightmare, but this is the height of sexy for good, morally upstanding households for whom the very notion of nudity would send the family dog into conniptions.

Note the small hint of leg.  Burn the witch!

The beauty of being able to single step through a movie!

Dick the chipmunk loves nuts!  Nuts nuts nuts!  Mmmmmm!

Somebody forgot their garters again!

I'm now convinced this movie is a plot by the forces of decency in the 60s.  Let me explain the conspiracy.

All our ladies come out with boobs akimbo and do some dancing, which gets you all revved up.  But what you don't understand is it only exists to make sure the horror that follows is not only unexpected, but is also so damaging to your psyche that from that moment on you will treat all nude women as Alex treated Beethoven in A Clockwork Orange.

Prepare yourself ...

If you need any further proof that movies are make-believe, then I can't help you.

Yes, Dick Van Patten's O-face, while his body is being pressed upon by three super hot strippers.  Something that will never happen to you, ever, no matter how long you live, or what good deeds you do, or even if you strive to look like a lumpy bowl of red-faced oatmeal.

Depressing, isn't it?  Let's see how this film ends up.

It's a cat doing something cute!  Must post to Facebook!

Oliver has to come back to reality, but on the way down the street he spies a camera shop, and as much as the hideous hag of a wife (in these kind of shorts, even the ugly women are attractive) tries to stop him, he goes crazy and starts photographing everything, all the while doing this manic-style hoping.  He looks like a rabbit on eight cups of coffee, getting in one last good hop before his heart explodes.

And so ends The Secret Dream Models of Oliver Nibble, a nudie cutie that, against all common sense, stars Dick Van Patten.

I've heard rumors of one containing the guy who played Gopher on Love Boat.*

* I'm kidding.  I hope.