Thursday, March 29, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema": The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure

This again?  More 80s/90s T&A movies?  At this point, I'm pretty sure that stands for tedious and annoying!

The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure

You know you are in for a treat when the movie's title also makes a good summary. As the title promises, this movie does contain:

  • bikinis
  • off-road adventures

And that sums up everything good I have to say about it.

All bikini films follow the same basic plot, and nearly the same crew and catering, which probably explains the '87 LA chlamydia outbreak.  Evil land owner/corporation tries to buy out/shut down business. Business saved by women wearing bikinis which attracts big business. The "lead" woman is always super-smart and freshly out of college -- she was able to add on the cost of her implants to her college loan.

I'd be fine with this basic premise; find an audience and cater to it -- it worked for Duran Duran. What happened here, though, is in some odd pique of madness ("creativity", in Hollywood speak, "fiasco" in my speak), the film maker decides to shoot for "respectability." It can no longer be about bikinis ... it must be about something bigger. No, not the things in bikinis!  Big ideas!  Big thoughts!  All in small budgets!  This is how you go from Deer Hunter to Heaven's Gate.

Let's add Native Americans! Sure, they haven't suffered enough! Bikini-clad women save their ancient ancestral lands! They won't be fooled by the small-pox infested blankets; they don't need them, it would only cover up the bikinis!

"Thanks for your lands," we say, "sorry about the slaughter -- hey, here's a bikini film!"

It makes those trinkets traded for NY look like a great deal.

While we're at it, let's work in a bit from the "crying Indian" litter commercial. Are you saying it isn't cliche (speak: racist) enough?  Let's give them mystical medicine-man powers, which thankfully they forgot to use when whitey invaded!

Just so you understand how bad this is, here's a actual scene from the film:


Kidding, here's the real scene:

Luckily, the actor forgot his bikini that day.

The glue that holds together these films -- sorry, bad choice of word -- the sticky substance that holds together these films is the comedy relief, in this case, our villains. When put to the task of finishing off the land owners, these villains are nothing but wacky dynamite accidents waiting to happen. How did these imbeciles manage to get the bikini-ed land owners in such dire straits in the first place? Luck? Sued the owners for one of their careless accidents? Worked into script rewrites?

I'm no lady's man, but I've been around quite a few pools and beaches and never once did a woman with a bikini top suddenly snap off, yet it happens with alarming frequency in this movie. Since I consider movies a reflection of real life, I guess I have to chalk this up to my continuing streak of bad luck or my still undeveloped mental powers.  Believe me, I've tried staring and concentrating really, really hard, and only come away with a migraine and a slap across the face.

Which, strangely, is the same result from watching this movie.

I was forced to slap myself, though.

In the interest of science, though, I will attempt to explain the physics:

Offensive Asian Stereotype not required.

Monday, March 26, 2012

The Cursed Spook Story Time: The Upper Berth

Why read pages of wordy gothic horror when the cursed spook can be your own personal synopsis?

The Upper Berth

You are on a boat, sharing a cabin.  Some type of old-timey boat, it's not really important to the story but don't imagine it's the Love Boat.  Captain Stubings and horror don't mix.  Gopher and horror, maybe.

You've taken the lower berth.  In the upper berth is a passenger you've never seen.  There's supposed to be something spooky about the room.  I think the room number was 217 ... or 237 ... if so, don't look in the tub!  Honestly, take my word for this!

Anyway, this mysterious passenger smells like the sea.  This is because he spent three hours stuffing his Hawaiian-shirt-wearing tourist gullet at the all you can eat crab and lobster buffet.  He then danced what could charitably be called "Salsa", but more realistically called "the fidgeting of a fish with nerve damage."  He is sitting above you, moaning like a ghost with his stomach full of slightly rancid seafood, feeling the boat rock back and forth ... back ... and ... forth ...

Suddenly, he bends over, stares straight at you, and ....


Ha ha ha!  What a frightening story!  Exactly how it was originally written by F. Mario Crawdaddy!  Don't look it up, I'm a spook, I know these things!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Greta Ghoul's Easter Celebration

Greta Ghoul, black hearted minion of creeps, with another holiday message!

Greta, people ask me, which is understandable because starting with "Susan" or "Bobby Sue" would be weird -- but I digress -- how do you celebrate Easter, the most fluffy of holidays?

You'd be surprised, but I like to do it with rabbits!  Mounds of furry snuggle bunnies!  Heaps of fuzzy-wuzzy huggable cuteness!  Big eyed, big eared winkled nosed bundles of happiness!  So many it's a virtual mountain of bunnies!

Wait, did I say bunnies?

I meant bunny heads.

A mass of rotting, bleeding-stumped blank-eyed gore-dripping heads.

Happy Easter!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Hordak's HR Troubles

Hordak knows what he likes around office ... babes!

Hordak certainly hope that the last "photocopier incident" -- as Hordak's lawyer says he must refer to the mass email of Hordak's nether regions to the office ladies -- hasn't lowered office productivity ... or raised office skirts!  Ho-hah!  Hordak a very funny harasser!

Shadow Weaver, where's my new secretary!


I hope you followed my instruction and got me somebody hot!

Hello there, muscles!  I'm ready to be ... dictated ... to!

Is that ... a dirty pun?

I heard there was a special mailing list I could get on, you big hunk of chiseled blue bear!  Is there an archive?  What's the penalty for mis-use of office equipment, like, say, the top of my desk?  Would it be a spanking?

Oh, and I made you some ... copies.  I had to turn up the contrast, because there's normally a lot of grays there, but, as I say, once you go gray, you're there to stay!

Guess Hordak need to burn the photocopier!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Spooky Space Kook: Cease and Desist

After 8 years of correspondence school while in jail (after an unfortunate run in with some meddling kids), Spooky Space Kook has achieved his dream of becoming a lawyer specializing in elaborate props and cease-and-desist letters.

To: Art Linkletter
Re: Kids say the Darndest Things
My client, Jerry Springer, requests that you stop producing your show "Kids say the Darndest Things", which is obviously a rip-off of my client's show "Adults say the Darndest Things." To disguise this, you removed the 300 pound woman with short-shorts and the inbreed siblings, but you can not deny the similarity as both shows feature guests missing most of their front teeth. 
More examples of your extreme idea-theft abound; you have children -- when asked about marriage -- that say "Yuck! I don't like girls!" This is the obviously first stage of a "Surprise, I'm Gay" show ... just without the surprise, the fist-fight, or the satisfying crunch of a chair into somebody's face. How many of these "children" (Highly paid actors? Dogs in kid suits? Who can be sure?) have funny stories about "catching" mom and dad "doing" something? Perverts? Vouyers? Sex-fiends?  All staples of my client's show! 
Spooky Space Kook, Esq. I ain't you baby dada!

To: Casting Director for "Peter Pan"
Re: Casting women as Peter Pan
My clients, a collection of bigoted homophobs, asks you to kindly stop messing with their minds. 
Spooky Space Kook, Esq. I feel dirty.

To: Heavy Metal Band "Pharaoh's Sword"
Re: New Album
After the release of your newest album, "Tridents of the Damned", I was hired by a group of your fans that want you to cease-and-desist "selling out", as they put it. Frankly, I must agree. 
"Trident of the Damned" is nowhere near as kick-ass as "Metal Orgy" or "Eyeball Vice." While this new album has finally afforded you a hit with the ballad "When I love you there, I go there, in there", your fans describe this song as "wussy", "a freakin' pop song", and "what, was Phil Collins producing?" This behavior has got to stop. 
I received a note from your manager that simply read: "Look, the band's tired of eating a Taco Bell, alright? Can we make something that will sell? Is that such a crime?" For a band that made an entire concept album about a possessed goat, I feel the answer is YES.
Spooky Space Kook, Esq. Rock On.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema": The Bikini Carwash Company

You know the drill ... another 80s 90s T&A movie.  Yes, we're branching out.

The Bikini Carwash Company

Who put plot in my dancing nude chick film?

This film is so good the sound track requires two LA hair metal bands.  This is necessary as 70% of the film is naked women dancing to music.  The other 30% of the movie is vile sewage.  It's as if somebody broke the main sewer line in hell.

Displaying 3 pairs of naked breasts within the first 2 and a half minutes, this production throws the entire bikini-related movie industry upside down.  Instead of padding the meager plot with boobs, this film pads boobs with the meager plot!  It even goes so far as to pad the boobs with butts!

The movie features our Iowa corn-breed hero Jack McGowen, or "Mr Fantasy Fullfilment", as he stumbled his way into babes and success.  Helping out are two muscle bound sub-Spicoli rejects (whose bodies spontaneously eject cartoon sound effects), and a bevy of boob and butt delivery machines.  Also, at 36 minutes in, female bad-ass-but-hot lawyer Bobby Kanova arrives -- signaling the start of 3 minutes of riveting legal banter, just what T&A audiences love!

I set my watch waiting for her to suddenly become naked.  I was rewarded 26 minutes later.

Just kidding, I don't wear a watch.  Better to not know how much time I spend watching this as the suicide prevention hot line has started blocking my number.

Also featuring the comedy stylings of male car wash employees Ronnie Van Zant's other brother and Joe Flaherty's SCTV stand-in.

Rounding out the good guy cast are three strippers whose rest home clients don't like a dirty van.  I didn't make that up.  That's not a joke.  It's also not a joke in the movie, no matter how hard it tries to be.

One of the first lines you hear any of the women say in the film is "get away from me and my t***s".  I suspect this was not only in the script but something said an awful lot around the craft services table.

Lining up on the evil side is the crusading anti-fun DA, A.B. Quinn.  How did Ted Knight let this plum rule get away? Also there's an assistant DA, a Judge, and a cop named "Shag".

Bikini movie plot, go!

Two hot chicks in a T&A movie with a hose that sucks things in, gee, what could possible happen?

I should, at this point, mention the running side plot.  There's a flasher on the loose.  His identity is a secret.  Guess who he is?  Just guess.  I'll be here, driving a rusty corkscrew into my head to forget this movie while you think.  What's that?  You guessed the DA?  Amazing!  How did you know?

In between so many dancing scenes, this cliche of a plot unfolds.  Bikini girls help save car wash.  Anti-smut law and order descends.  They are either shammed as crazy perverts themselves, get wrangled in with sex, or discover that they've been repressed and open up.  Separating all this is hundreds of swish pans; the movie ends with an explanation of what a swish pan is.  It comes off as a joke, but I suspect early test audiences (two sleepy cats, a clothes pin, and a used coffee cup) questioned what that weird thing was between scenes so they added the "joke" at the end.

There are a couple bizarre things with this movie.  It seems to end 20 minutes before it does; there's endless montages, a weird surfing scene, more dancing filler, another coda, it just goes on and on.  I wasn't sure that I didn't die watching this and was suddenly discovering my eternal fate for a life of crime and murder.

Second, it starts with a very early 90s graphic intro of a bus driving through a tunnel and over a landscape with two hills.  Yes, you guessed it, please receive one cookie, split it in half, and then jam one piece into each of your eyes to protect yourself from ever watching this movie.

The third thing is the appearances of the flasher -- usually accompanied by a first person view -- but the flasher seems to be some sort of robot as he has terminator/robocop-like graphics in his field of sight.  Was this a jettisoned subplot?  There's a throw away line at the end to explain it, but that comes in the padding!  Even the explanations are padded!

I don't have to cover anything up with this picture because the crappy graphics do it for me.  Hey, boobs are expensive!  There wasn't enough money left over, all they could afford was a TRS-80.

He's done in by the strippers -- but -- they never get completely nude (they wear pasties.)  So, in this movie, regular beach going bikini girls get nude at the drop of a hat (it seemed to be raining hats during the production), but actual strippers are too modest.

Now I know why the robot/flasher had a overload!

Representative joke:
"He [the flasher] hates girls, I think he's gay."
"That's nice, I think everybody should be happy, including flashers!"

What follows will either give you a deeper understanding of the depths of my OC, or just how sad my life has become.  The editing on the many naked dancing scenes was poor, with tops and bottoms appearing and disappearing.  It was really distracting, and I began to exclusively focus on that.  I'm beginning to think 80s/90s T&A movie producers didn't care a lot for the final product.

"Did the boobs get in?"
"That's a wrap!"

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Isis Goes To College

Ah, the first day of college!

I wonder who my new roomie will be?  I bet we'll be the best of friends!  We'll hang out, go to parties, and we'll ...

... aaaaaaaaiiiiiiieeeee!

Salutations, my educational institution co-boarder!  I also agree that we will be great friends and associates -- and with my enormous cranial capacity I am never wrong, 

I am at this college in search of many males with whom I might initiate intimate snuggling periods.  As I know ever iota of knowledge imaginable, the only thing I lack at this college is males who refrain from screaming while running in a vector opposite to the one that might bring them to me.


Obviously, you are the least attractive between us, and as my appearance is much more pleasing, you will serve admirably as my "wing woman."  Come, let us go forward and procure many males!  Big Brain Wonder Woman is not getting any younger or smarter!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Attractive, Hot, Single Ladies!

Line up, boys!

STVD (Single Toothy Vampire Demon) seeks blood sack man.

I'm looking for a guy who won't mind getting close, like, say, in a small, locked room with no obvious exits.  I like drinking ... something ... and I hope you like to drink, too, because it's important for men to keep their fluids up.  It's good for your circulation.  I heard that.

Did you know that men have an excess of blood and it's better for their health if they donate?  I also heard that.

Absolutely nobody who just wants "that", I always say "Better join a coven than a bun in the oven!"  By the way, how do you feel about the dark lord?  What?  No reason.  Just asking!

Likes? Big muscles (especially the ones covered in veins)
Dislikes: Not being able to close my mouth
Last Book Read: Twilight 9: Vampires, diving in at 10 o'clock!
Last Movie Seen: Twilight 8: Werewolves off the port bow!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Pot meets Kettle

Oh, faith and begorrah!

Ah, 'tis the luck of the Irish!  May yee find a pot of gold at the end o' the rainbow and may yee stumble upon a four-leaf clover, and ...

What?  Whats that you say, boy-o?

Me thinkum you a bit racist!

Oh, somebody gonna' be seein' lucky stars after I hit them with me shillaly!