Thursday, August 30, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema": Hollywood Hot Tubs

Simon Bar Sinister here again, with another review from the turgid depths of the early 80s, a time of hot women and men with enough body hair to count as biological sweaters.

The movie starts out so dark it's nearly black and to the pounding beat of what sounds like the theme music to the TurboGraf game Bonk's Adventure.  Sadly, this only lasts for 4:30 minutes, and attempting to blind myself with bleach failed, so I had to continue watching.  Here we are introduced to our hero, a no-good teen with a heart of gold.  This isn't the first cliche plot element, and won't be the last.  The script follows the "plot collision chaos" theory, where multiple boring plots collide in a boring finale, with boring results.  Plus boobs.

And butts!

I should also point out the characters of the preppie love rival, the good girl, the crusty uncle, the biker gang, absolutely none of which are cliche for a T&A 80s film!  None, I tell you!

At 1:44, this is probably the longest sex comedy I've watched sat through survived.  Most people know when to get in, make some bad jokes, show boobs, and get out before they've either wore out their welcome or the guy in the back of the theater finishes.

Yes, I went there.  I'm bitter and resentful!  And why shouldn't I be?  This film takes nearly 22 minutes to get to the first boobs!

This is a basic failure of any T&A film, and the director then compounds that error by putting this front and center in the scene:

The remake of the Wolfman, starring Burt Reynolds, wasn't that good.

Presenting: the unholy child of Tom Selleck, Sasquatch, and a year and a half of dryer lint cleanings, in all his man rug glory.  It's no wonder there's so much hot tub repair in this town; there can't be a drain in Hollywood this man hasn't clogged!

The movie finally goes all in on the nudity, but before that we have to sit through an excruciating "Engrish" comedy bit.   Me love joke way too long, Joe, but paycheck's a paycheck!  This is the first instance where our hero gets jumped by multiple naked women.

Have I done something wrong?  Is there a deity I've offended?  Did I not eat enough fiber?  It was that time I got too much change back at the store and didn't say anything, wasn't it?  I've apologized!  Make my life like this!  It happens multiple times in this film, I'm only asking for once!  I refuse to accept that this is not reality!

The happy one, or the angry one?  Either choice is fraught with peril!

Remember what I said about plot collision?  The blonde on the right -- the worlds most indecisive domanatrix (is there a way to be a worse domanatrix?) -- re-appears at the end.  I'm guessing they paid by the boob instead of by the hour.

All sorts of hilarious -- and I mean hilariously predictable -- stuff happens.  Don't miss one minute of the riveting plumbing discussions!  No plumbers will be seated during the last 15 minutes!  When I go to see boobs, I'm never disappointed with detailed instructions on fixing a leaky faucet!

Come to think of it, this could make HGTV worth watching.

This movie includes what seems to an obvious product placement by Namco for the game Xevious.  Honestly, do some research, getting to the first mothership is relatively easy, it's not championship level, as the movie would have us believe.  I almost turned the movie off at this point, so nerd enraged was I.  Then I remembered: wait, there's more naked chicks, and my loyal fan base of 2 people and 28 spam link bots wouldn't appreciate me giving up this easily.

Later on comes one of those great "keep the camera's rolling, we spent all the budget on penicillin" moments.  Our hero has gotten himself in a situation, is spotted by the woman he really wants, and she storms out.  In a huff, he climbs out of the hot tub (full of naked soccer players) and heaves the ball in anger ... and then it rockets right back off the wall at the unsuspecting cast!

It's all fun and games until somebody loses a nipple.

The woman that the ball just misses doesn't even have time to react, and the other guy looks like he's wondering if the film's insurance policy is up-to-date.

I should mention the character Crystal here, before I go full on creep at the end.  I don't know who's idea this was (and I'm staying away from the awful valley girl speak), but she spends almost every scene jumping up and down.  You can imagine the effect, or scroll to the end of the article for the best damn animated gif ever created in the history of everything, ever, sort of, kind of, maybe that's sale-ing it a bit too much.

Imagine this line in valley speak: "All that work, and those big strong hands over all those pipes, thats like so primitive."  She's a sexy, jiggly, Mr. Jinks.

The people making the movie seemed to think so as the sequel is dedicated to her character.

Lots of plots coming careening together at the end party, including a Karloff-looking, Lugosi-speaking, Lon Cheney Jr-drinking actor in a monster costume ... and a chimp ... who appears nowhere else in the movie.  Let me remind you, with 87 or so threads that slam together at the end of this movie like two seals being thrown together in a particle accelerator (and with as much gore), they randomly added a chimp.

Oh Link Lancelot, Secret Chimp, how far you've fallen!

And finally, it arrives:

Chaos!  And Balloons!  Balloon Chaos!

Yes, there's a guy in a monster costume and a macrachi band involved.  Also involved are our hero's parents, a motorcycle gang, the prohibition officier in the conclusion to the wonderfully forward thinking gay panic sketch, the domanatrix from earlier, some horny old couple and ... wait ... let me check my notes ... the parents, got that, the boss on too much valium, the cheap repair people ... wait ... oh yeah, the Burt Reynolds look alike and a bunch of Asians with cameras who are flashers.

Yes, yes, nothing rounds out chaos like cheap generalizations!

Now for something serious ...

Because of my blistering low self-esteem, I have a lot of fun at other's expense here, but before we let this one fade into the ether that is the internet comedy zone, I want to mention one of the stars, Jewel Shepard, who plays Crystal.  She spent the entire film bouncing up and down, and it can only be described with a animated gif that is sure to become an internet mainstay for avatars of sad dudes:

This took a long time to create but it was worth it!
You might need to open in another window to get it to animate.

In 2011, she was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer, which she battled to be cancer free.  A member of the cast of the incredible film Return of the Living Dead, she's survived, cancer free, and still beautiful after all these years.  Give her site a visit:

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Bardos Metal Mania: Y&T: Summertime Girls

Bardos is back, for another metal video review lifted from badly encoded youtube videos -- full of hot chicks and robots -- sure to fire up the imagination of any male!

Summertime Girls

Boldest Wardrobe Choice

Pirate Hooters girl.

Hottest Chick(s)

I know it was the 80s, but that blonde in the front really needs a bikini wax if she's going to wear something that small!

And Asian woman to the right, that's a valuable piece of band marketing you've cut up!  Have some respect!

Most Gratuitous Clown Hate

The singer really, really hates Bozo.  When you fit in a sequence where you shoot Bozo in the face with a rocket launcher into a video about how hot girls at the beach, there's some deep seated clown hatred boiling just under the surface.

Was the song originally about the various ways to kill Bozo?  Did the record company say "hey, maybe a video full of hot chicks might do better then on based on slaughtering a beloved children's clown?" cause the band to reconsider?

Try to ignore the bulge above the Hooter's shorts and the bulge below.

I'm guessing I shouldn't have pointed that out.

Best Skin Care


No matter how well she takes care of her skin, it's going to all rip off when she pulls her butt off that hot black leather chair.

Survival of the Band During a Robot Uprising?

Surprisingly low.  If a robot's first thought when meeting Y&T is to punch the drummer in the face, I'd suggest Y&T lays low during the AI revolution.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Greta Ghoul Visits the Beach

I worked on my tan.  Can't you tell?  I went from alabaster to pearl!

Normally, those that follow the dark path I plot for them know I'm not exactly a day person.  So why would their mistress of murder and princess of the gloom prance around in the sun?  Simple: Sand art!  I love it, I breathe it, I fashion instruments of the damned with it!

Let me show you my newest creation:

I call it Sand Skull.  Stare deeply into his corrupting eyes and be lost forever!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Sadomasicist Nurse Visits The Fair

Parking lot of the defunct K-mart, here we come!

There's nothing I like more than the smell of cotton candy, the taste of elephant ears, and the stinging cries of my clients as my tortures bring them pleasure beyond comprehension ... and those rubber duck games.  Those are a lot of fun!  As a bonus, nothing brings more pain then spending a couple of bucks and getting a pathetic blow up doll, except, of course, the bout of hepatitis from the rancid sewer water those ducks are floating in.

Better yet, nothing helps my business more than the hail of deadly projectiles being flung from each mechanical death trap euphemistically called "rides."  There's the toboggan ride, or more faithfully know as the "hair munching scalper", the ferris wheel or the "twist ties are just as strong as bolts" and the haunted house, or "if you are scared by the sound of air pistons, then this is the ride for you!"

Oh, and the food!  Breading, or "play dough plus paint chips", is the basis of almost every food stuff, not counting the cotton candy which is made of recycled insulation plus a hint of cobwebs.  Throw on sugar and/or dried and flaked duck pond water, and you've got a meal worthy of the hell food truck.

Well, back to work, it looks like we have a bunch of cases of the fair plague!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 7

Normally we try our best to push our lovely ... ladies ... but even we think we might have crossed a line on this one and you're probably best served ... oh no, no no ... she's coming!  Run!

Hi there.  How are you?  I'm fine!  A matter of fact, I'm better than fine, never felt better in my life!

Don't you believe me?  Of course you do!  Don't be silly!  Everybody likes me!  Everybody believes me!  People that don't like me, well, they don't exist!  We don't have to talk about them!

What are my likes?  You know, I've never really thought about it that way.  I know what I don't like.  People who aren't my friends.  People who say they like me but then never return my calls.  I just hate those kind of people.  Hate.  Hate hate hate hate ... but they don't exist!  Well, at least not anymore.

What kind of stuff do you like?  Ah, who cares!  I know what you like!  Me!  Me me me me me me ME!  You like my smarts, my looks, my food, my friends, everything.  I am your entire universe!  You live inside me, your every second revolves around my life and don't think for a second it doesn't or you don't pick up the phone or you don't tell me how smart and pretty I am or you don't do things that I don't like and have gotten people hurt or just gone or just things happen or just ... just ...

You're pretty!  Let's date!  Hey, we are a couple now!  I love you!

(Art by Joe Kurbert, 1926-2012, Rest in Peace, you've given all of us decades of great work and raised the comic medium immensely.)

Monday, August 13, 2012

Heat Miser's Open Letter to Santa Claus

How do like me now, fat man?

July was the hottest month ever recorded in the USA.  I'm sure it was excellent for you, wrapped up in that ridiculous red coat.  Oh, what is that?  Did you not hear me?  Are you too busy bailing out your quaint little toy making factory?  Did you check the thermometer?  Well, I have a thermometer that you can suck, you pompous, overweight, fur-faced toy store!

You think this is all I got?

Did you hear that the polar bears, because of the melting ice, are having a hard time finding food?  Maybe I should direct them towards all those little snack-sized elves stuck on the ice flows.  That's basically a felt-wrapped hot pocket for a bear!

You know how everything I touch burns in my clutch?  No, not a Misfits lyric, but a description of my diabolical heat powers!  What should I touch?  How about that annoying red-nosed reindeer?  Wouldn't it be better if the entire reindeer was red?  More color coordinated, and a much better song:

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
had a very shiny nose,
and if you ever saw it,
then you'd be seeing a ghost because he's dead, fried to a crisp at one touch of my burning hand!

Ok, yeah, that last part was a Misfits lyric.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Mr. Jinks Top 10 Least Favorite Flavored Water

So, like, those flavored but clear water drinks, like, you know, are real popular, and kind of real gross!  Here are, like, some of my least favorite flavors.

Top 10 Least Favorite Flavored Water

10. Calliope shavings
9. Bits of lint
8. Sun-burnt and peeling
7. Slightly gritty
6. Extra Meecees
5. Random gummy
4. Torgo Tang
3. (tie) Orange / Satan's butt sweat
2. Hanna-Barbera limited animation lime
1. Hint of Fluoride

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Bardos Metal Mania: KISS: Who Wants to be Lonely

Bardos, mascot of the the most metal band ever, Access Violate, will take your hand and drag you straight to hell where they play some of the best metal videos of the 80s!

Who Wants To Be Lonely

Most Questionable Wardrobe Choice

Evidently Paul had to find something appropriate to wear as he had to try out for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat at 7, and then Rocky Horror Picture Show at 8.

The pink rubber-fringe gloves was a personal choice that reflects both the majesty of KISS and the need to keep his hands smooth and silky while doing the dishes.

Hottest Chick

Gene, hands down.

There's about 8 bottles of vaseline on that lens.  All from Gene's private stock.  He has a plenty left.

Best Dance Moves

Dance: "The not well rehearsed vinyl robot"
Choreography: A drunken and slightly brain damaged mongoose
Costume: The Home Depot Summer '86 PVC Collection
Pawing: Gene Simmons

Lyrics That Should Have Been Slept On

Who wants to be lonely?
All by yourself!
Who wants to be lonely?
Earwwahh wahh Eeeeahh wahhh ha wahhh*

* Sort of how I imagine a drowning Captain Caveman would sound.

Guitar Solo

Performed by "Not Ace."  Less booze, less interest from me!

Sexiest Moment

Stage Hand: Should we tell the models that we're going to spray them?
Director: Nah, chicks are hotter when surprised!