Bardos Metal Mania: Ratt: Lay It Down

On today's Metal Mania, demon metal mascot Bardos looks at a video that, based on the clothes, is either an OK metal song or a really good pirate era Adam Ant song.

Ratt

Lay It Down

Important Rule: First Image of Video Shouldn't Creep People Out

Damn it, PennyWise, I thought you were stuck in Maine!

"How was the new Ratt video?"

"I'm not sure, I ran screaming at the first frame, and spent the rest of the night peeing around the edges of my room in hopes that it would create a barrier that would keep the terrifying clown away."

This is not the way to start your metal video.  It's not metal.  It's a bladder-draining and pants filling horror of epic proportions.  Let's try this again.  Give us the next shot.

This has to be Better

I hear Ave Satani in the background!

Gah!  Not better!  It's actually worse!

Is this a video or some kind of social experiment in fear?  I'd expect Damien to appear in a Possessed video, not in yet another Ratt song about sex (or the sloppy equivalent.)  Is it some kind of long-running immersion program to turn off teenagers from sex?  After watching this video, every time a teen gets excited he's either going to imagine the clown or Damien up there, or worse yet, Damien and the clown running hand in hand across a field of flowers.

Side effect: Ruins human reproduction forever.

Speaking of Ratt, isn't it about time for them to start mugging for the camera?

Hiring German Expressionist to Design Your Backdrops

Pearcy's day job was working at a avant-garde pipe manufacturer.

The rest of the video is basically the singer Pearcy harassing some woman that's a grown up version of the girl at the party ... yes ... there's a story, but the story involves a clown and so we all don't spend the night huddling under a blanket covered in our own stinking vomit, let's forget all that.

Pearcy is basically imploring our 80s hottie to Lay It Down.  Lay down what?  Some kind of tile, or maybe a nice wood floor, or even carpeting?  Or lay down on his head until he stops singing?

Don't Forget the Dance Moves!

I'm pretty sure I heard a spleen pop.

The entire video has Pearcy in this wash-day flamenco-dancing pirate get-up.  It's not doing him, us, or fashion any favors.  It might have actually caused the heat death of the universe to inch a couple years closer.

Here we see a rock-n-roll signer kick that would make even David Lee Roth jealous, that is if jealousy could ever get by Roth's gigantic ego.  Still, a pay-per-view kick fight between Roth and Pearcy?  I'd pay for that!  Pearcy can be the "The Boot-Kicking Buccaneer" and Roth can be "The Leotard Leaper!"  One night only, winner gets the MILF in the front row that's desperately trying to re-live her glory days.

Also, Don't Forget The Proper Guitar Moves

Bang!  Bang!  Pow Pow!

Many snakes died to bring us this guitar.

In an 80s hair metal band, what's it like to be the one guy with the flat hair?  Are you always the one forced to do the donut runs?  Do you get last groupie pick?  Do they pelt you with bottles of extra body conditioners ala Carrie?

Extra credit for the first reader to find a frame where the guitarist and bassist have their mouths shut.

Restraining Orders Also Include Whispering

If you like me, fill in the YES box!

Let's imagine what Pearcy is whispering.

• I heard those guys in Dokken are a bunch of wussies!
• I ran out of eyeliner, can I borrow yours?
• Contract negotiations with the rest of the band are going great!
• Is all this PVC piping turning you on, too?
• The extra "T" stands for Trouble.  Right here in River City.  With a capital T.  And that rhymes with P.  And that stands for pool.
• What do you think, too many sparkly bits on the shirt?
• Can there really ever be too many sparkly bits?
• Man that kid is creepy!

Bardos Metal Mania: Grim Reaper: Rock You To Hell

As the devil is wont, let's play another mind game.  Imagine that you're a European melodic metal band with fantasy overtones.  You name your band Grim Reaper and every third song you release has the word "hell" in the title.  You need to create a video for a song called Rock You to Hell, which is mysteriously not about hell, trolls, warlocks, or if Aqua Net is better than industrial strength wood lacquer.  What will be the imagery in your video?  If you said "chicks in prison where the janitor is a dollar-store version of the Toxic Avenger," then congratulations, you're a dope.

Grim Reaper

Rock You To Hell

A Bad Way to Start Your Video

Ah-choo!

There's a lot of sex and fantasy in metal videos, so it's best not to start your video with an image like this -- your singer twisting his face into his best impression of a very sick cat attempting to dislodge a tuna-infused hairball.

Also bad: looking all the world like what Ozzy Osbourne's corpse would look like if it was bloated up with alcoholic eels.

Why Prison Doesn't Seem So Bad

The hair says 80s, the high-waisted jeans says really, really 80s.

They let you keep the mom jeans and nobody takes away the hair spray.  A couple bitches got cut when somebody sharpened the end of their brush, but that's what happens in Glamour Prison™.

Film Students Demand More Imagery

No punching below the belt ... wait ... no, that's OK!

The video has shots of the band, shots of the prison, some weird grenade segue, a couple quick cuts of this wrestling, ladies in t-shirts, the singer in a straight jacket, some woman in high heels, etc, etc, ad nauseam.

It's like somebody in the band went to Art College, took Art 101, and majored in Art for Art's Sake, and who's professor was named Art McArty.  There's so much going on and very little tying it together save for lots and lots of hair.

I think that to the band this meant something; it resonated with the lyrics, it conveyed a story, and it brought a visual flair to the music.  On the other hand, the band named themselves Grim Reaper, so somebody probably just suggested this after getting baked while watching Caged Heat.

Bass Players Never Listen

So that's what Cousin It looks like when you part his hair!

Hey, bass guy.  We sent around a memo before the shoot.  We're Grim Friggin' Reaper.  We all wear black.  We are filming in a gray prison.  We want to bring out the dirty, grimy, and dark feel of this song.  We had one request:

Please leave the lime green bass at home.

And then he shows up with it.  And he wonders why he's always the guy that has to fetch the donuts during rehearsal.

The Required Great Pair of Legs

Look at the art!  Reflections!  Shadows!  Hot Mammas!

After the great ZZ Top debacle of '82, in which a couple metal bands found that they shared groupies with ZZ Top when they discovered long bear hair getting tangled into their big hair, an agreement was reached where ZZ Top would give a list of groupies to avoid, and for that information, the metal bands would always include a woman with nice legs walking down a corridor.

This agreement lasted until the You were with Coverdale???? debacle of the late 80s.

Trauma Calls the Lawyers

What happened to anybody sharing a Coverdale groupie.

Lastly in our spin-the-wheel random image rodeo, it's a very Toxic Avenger like creature, who is also a janitor, and plays no other part in the festivities.  It could be a nod to Trauma Studios, it could be just a rip-off, or it could carry some deep, personal meaning wrapped in a terrific metaphor.

Than again, Grim Reaper: Rock You To Hell.

So probably not.

Bardos Metal Mania: W.A.S.P.: Blind In Texas

Borrowing the look from Gene Simmons, the pants-on-fire/cross-leg dancing of Paul Stanley, and the talent of Peter Criss after a 48-hour cough syrup bender, Blackie Lawless -- before his conversion to the One-True-Religion-For-Rock-Stars-Who-Drank-Too-Much™ -- probably liked to hang out at the Playboy mansion ... and that thin pretext is enough to include this in Playboy month!

W.A.S.P.

Blind In Texas

A Good Start

Sleeping the sleep of the angels!

Your video starting with Blackie Lawless dead.

Most Costly Mistake Ever

He uses those buzzsaws to shave his chest.

It's a saloon, not a salon, guys.

Our threadbare plot is W.A.S.P. (I am getting sick of those periods) plays a show in Texas, and Blackie thinks he's going to get into a old-timey prostitute's pants skirt -- which, frankly, should be relatively easy if the prostitute has a good grasp on the mechanics of her profession.

But, after seeing that Lawless had much better hair then her, she headed for the hills, and Lawless got trapped in the desert please god of please I promise to believe and pray every day to die.

Worst Case of Chaffed Nipples

 You know his left nipple is a mass of pulpy, bleeding flesh under there.

Without a doubt, this song exists for one reason -- it allows the band to play any venue and insert the name of the town in the chorus.  Of course, these modern Mozart's didn't expect Bardos would see them in Kalamazoo, which has, oh, a couple more syllables than Texas.

It was a joyous moment to hear "Blind in Kllmoo!"

Finally, boobs!

The director says squeeze!  Harder!

Guy in the bowler hat is really suspicious of the boobs.  Since this suddenly seems to be the 1860s, and prostitutes in the old west weren't the cleanest bunch, I suspect he's eyeing the cleavage to see how big the bugs are that crawl out.

Smaller than shot glass?  That's a high class hooker!

The Face that Caused Shivers in People that Read Reader's Digest

The black hole at the center of metal.

The face that scared a million uptight people and made everybody else go "he's trying too hard" until Marilyn Manson came along and stole the crown.  There's a thin line between scary and wanting to get make-up tips from the guy.

You can't look at that picture without wanting to jam things down that endless black hole, can you?  I'm thinking I can get a whole ham in there is I push hard enough.

That last paragraph sounds just like W.A.S.P. lyrics!

2013 Golden Girl Cosplay Winner

Sweats Vodka

Here's guitarist/sweat factory Chris Holmes.  If you are going to lift a costume from Ace Frehley, how about you don't make it the "Music From The Elder" years?

Bardos has gone to many shows, and I've never seen a worse guitar solo than when I saw W.A.S.P., and I've never seen somebody sweat as much as Holmes did.  There's no joke here, because it's impossible to describe.  Buckets.  Upon buckets.  It was like he was possessed ala the Exorcist, but instead of puke it was a fountain of stinky, rancid guitarist sweat.

People outside were worried about the lyrics, Bardos was worried about catching a contact STD!

Never a Rattlesnake When You Need One

Don't you have roadies for that?

Our happy ending quickly turns to a depressing, life-crushing ending as Lawless is rescued from what would have been an excruciating death, but he didn't get the woman, so I guess I can be happy about small miracles.

That, and I think I'll finish my life never being hit by Chris Holmes' sweat.

Bardos Metal Mania: Loverboy: Hot Girls in Love

We're going to branch out a little and do a video that's more hard rock than metal.  Well, more rock than hard rock.  Well, more ... something.  There's vocals, guitar, bass, and drums -- it seems to be music.  It's Canada, what do you expect?  It's hard to come up with riffs when you're under the constant threat of polar bear attack.

Loverboy

Hot Girls in Love

Car Crash Most Likely To Result In Aquanet Explosion

So let's meet our hot girl(s) in love:

She was so sure up-turned collars and jean jackets would never go out of style.

She's either racing towards love or away from Loverboy, and seeing that outside the window there's no snow, ice, sleet, or abominable snowmen, then I'm guessing away.

Most Likely to get Dudes with Beards up in your Grill

Did they think using this car would convince people it's a ZZ Top video?  I'm thinking they might catch on when they see Mike Reno's leather clad butt instead of a hot pair of legs (not from Reno.)

The bananamobile was the least expensive car they could rent.

And, as said many times on Jerry Springer: there's a lot of junk in that trunk.  Which is why there's no room left for musicianship or song writing.

Scene that gives us the Most False Hope

Loverboy standing on a large collection of barrels, each filled with gasoline.  Oh, my kingdom for a match!

If this was Def Leppard, they'd be barrels of wiskey.

I do enjoy the color coding.  The guitarist is all in black, but has a red guitar.  The bassist has a black bass, but an all red suit.  The singer and keyboards have red and black suits ....

... but the drummer is dressed like a checkerboard.

Every band has that one guy who all the rest of them hate because he never reads the memos.  They look, they shake their heads, and he's the guy always forced to make the donut runs.

2012 Grand Prize Winner for Least Sexy Pose Ever

I've gone through a number of T&A films this year, so you know you have to either try really hard or just be so incompetent that it's automatic.

Loverboy isn't capable of trying hard, so incompetent it is!

Yes, models love this flattering pose.

First up, the slow tummy to crotch pan, with bonus lens distortion!  A big hit with the ladies, nothing makes you look more shaped like a football with two over-stuff sausages hanging out of it.  Sure to bring the boys running!

Bonus: Handkerchief belt looks even more ridiculous.

Thinking about that, I hope it's not the same one Reno is wearing.  She's going to catch something from Reno's forehead sweat!

I guess Loverboy bored her to sleep.

And finally, the pose that launched a million dating site profile pictures, the gang-land drive-by shooting corpse.

Excuse me, I need to take a cold shower.

Most Honest Background Ever

Let's judge this solo:

Nobody noticed in editing?

The background already did it for us: running on empty!

FVEL?  Really?  You can take art-deco too far.

Loverboy's Most Esoteric Metaphor

The video is somehow about gas, I kid you not.  I can't exactly put my finger on why, unless the original name of the song was "Hot Girls in Love (and soaked in gas)", but they shortened it because it's Canada and they don't have gas up there but just burning logs to keep the frost giants away.

So, how does a band full of intellectuals callback to the theme?

If you can't tell, he's using gas pump nozzles for sticks.

*sigh*

Merry Christmas, Everybody!

Bardos Metal Mania: Twisted Sister: I Wanna Rock

Bardos wants to know ... what do you wanna do with your life?  If the answer is "Reimagine the movie Animal House as a three chord metal song mixed with Looney Tunes", then you've come to the right place!

Twisted Sister

I Wanna Rock

Student Body Most Likely to Get Senior Discount at Old Country Buffet

Does listening to Twisted Sister force you to be held back multiple times?  The youngest "high school kid" in this looks to be 23.

Look at all the majestic feathering!

Guy font-left on the picture?  Richard Hatch as Apollo from Battlestar Galactica '78.

Number One Choice to Play the Lead in the The Nutcracker

I really want to put a walnut in there.

This is, of course, character actor Mark Metcalf, mostly know for playing almost the exact same character in Animal House.  The video ends with an appearance by Stephen Furst, also from Animal House.  A lot of his lines are actually paraphrased from Animal House.

A lot of Twister Sister's riffs are actually paraphrased from the Beginner Instructional Guitar Method Mel Bay's Truckin' on the E String.

Probably a Jazz Inspired Rhythm

Look at the picture below.  Note the hand positions of the band.  Everybody has at least one hand down on the railing.  Why are they doing that?  Well, they are motioning to the beat of the song.  Except one guy.  The guy in the blue.

I can't see their reflection in the pool!  They must be transvestite vampires!

He's off beat.

What do you think his position in the band is?  I'll give you a hint, it starts with "drummer" and ends with "can't find the beat even if he was at the front row of the Rolling Stones concert at Altamont in 1969."

Well What's This .. Whoa!

I'd almost be afraid if this grenade wasn't obviously plastic!

Won't that layer of Brylcreem protect his head?

Maker of Best Instructional Guitar Video for Brain Damaged Walruses

The solo on Were Not Going to Take It is rather famous for it's basic skill level and over-use of the whammy bar.  How do you follow that up?

The tiger stripes on the guitar are a tribute to the tiger that attacked him and tore his jacket to shreds.

Swamp the signal with your Wah pedal, for an automatic whammy bar solo!  It's either that, or you could .... could ... wait, let me gain my composure ... wait ... practice.

Winner: Balls to The Wall Award

When your student body is all over 53 years old, do you really want them putting this much strain on their necks?

Math class is in 3 minutes, I really need my books ... do you guys have any idea

when you'll be through head banging?

Both videos came out around the same time but you can tell them apart by taking this quiz:

a) Is there a short, balding German gnome in it?
b) Is there a guy who's hair looks like a teased, yellow brillo pad?
c) Is it full of man butt close-ups?

If you answered C, you're actually watching Yankee Rose by David Lee Roth.  You should probably stop doing that.

Bardos Metal Mania: Dokken: Dream Warriors

Bardos reviews a special video for Halloween 2012, featuring Dokken, Freddy Kruger, clips from Nightmare on Elm Street 3, and the majestic wings of Don Dokken's feathered hair.  Bonus: Skeleton Guitar.  ROCK!

Dokken

Dream Warriors

The Most Diabolical Evil Lurks Within the Walls of this House

Every board, ever nail of this house is permeated with vast darkness:

What terrible blackness, what heart-pumping fearsome beast lays in wait inside that manse?

...

...

...

...

Don't pretend like you didn't know I was going there.  Remember that old urban legend about Mick Jagger and David Bowie having an affair?  Well, here's their unholy spawn, and from this screenshot it looks like he's telling his waiter to take back the hamburger.

I said no pickles!  No pickles!  I'm Don Friggin' Dokken and Don Friggin' Doken Doesn't Eat Pickles!

Worst House Infestation Ever

I think I hear something scurrying about!

Damn it, we've got lead guitarists in walls again!

Well, we're going to have to call in the exterminators back!  I thought we got rid of those lead guitarist after we called in those grunge folks, but then the grunge folks disappeared, too!  I guess the only exterminators left in town are the dubstep folks!

Grand Bull Moose Winner For Worst Lyric Ever

"We're the dream warriors!

Ain't gonna dream no more!"

So, the one thing that defines you, being a dream warrior, you're not going to do anymore.  Good plan.  Very, very, very good plan.

ARGHHHHHHH!

Other possible lyrics rejected by band: We're the car drivers, ain't gonna drive no more!  We're the pastry chefs, ain't gonna make scones no more!

Probably Not a Good Sign For Continued Band Success

A demonic, undead and immortal dream monster, created from the soul of a burned-alive child molester, can't stand your music.

Oh yeah, skeleton guitar!  ROCK!

Bardos Metal Mania: Mötely Crüe: Looks That Kill

Bardos digs deep through the syringes and little baggies wrapped with foil to bring you another metal video review!

Mötely Crüe

Looks That Kill

Wörse Delivery öf Bad News

Oh, by the way, ladies, I lied.  This isn't a sword and sorcery movie...

It's a Crüe video.  Geeze, you don't have to take it that bad!  Calm down, valium's in the trailer!

Might Be Sending Mixed Signals

So the Crüe needs torches and barbed metal fences to keep chicks?

While this is the exact same method I employ to get dates for a Friday night, I'm surprised the Crüe has to do this ... honestly, I'm beginning to think most of the Mötely Crüe autobiography The Dirt is a lie!

Möst Literate Üse öf Metaphör

Vince Neil sings "The clock strikes midnight", and Tommy Lee hits this:

It's amazing that a band know for it's sex, drugs, and rock n' roll would fill their video with such quiet symbolism.  It's a real testament to the learned approach to imagery the band employees in their videos.  To some people, it's just a lot of half naked chicks, paper-mache rocks, and flash pots.

To the Crüe, though, it's a tantalizing play filled with story arcs, hidden meanings, deep emotional resonance ... and half naked chicks.

Best Düal Warning tö Parents and 13 Year Öld Böys

The message for parents is that Mötely Crüe is way too satanic, and for 13 year old boys, the message is that strong women are scary!

For 13 year old boys in 2012, though, the message is that the effects are crap.  Damn cynical kids!

Best Üse öf Öld Star Trek Set

Where the hell is the görn?

Side Note:  That's not dry ice, Nikki Sixx is cooking heroin again.

Bardos Metal Mania: Y&T: Summertime Girls

Bardos is back, for another metal video review lifted from badly encoded youtube videos -- full of hot chicks and robots -- sure to fire up the imagination of any male!

Y&T

Summertime Girls

Boldest Wardrobe Choice

Pirate Hooters girl.

Hottest Chick(s)

I know it was the 80s, but that blonde in the front really needs a bikini wax if she's going to wear something that small!

And Asian woman to the right, that's a valuable piece of band marketing you've cut up!  Have some respect!

Most Gratuitous Clown Hate

The singer really, really hates Bozo.  When you fit in a sequence where you shoot Bozo in the face with a rocket launcher into a video about how hot girls at the beach, there's some deep seated clown hatred boiling just under the surface.

Was the song originally about the various ways to kill Bozo?  Did the record company say "hey, maybe a video full of hot chicks might do better then on based on slaughtering a beloved children's clown?" cause the band to reconsider?

Try to ignore the bulge above the Hooter's shorts and the bulge below.

I'm guessing I shouldn't have pointed that out.

Best Skin Care

SPF-10W-40.

No matter how well she takes care of her skin, it's going to all rip off when she pulls her butt off that hot black leather chair.

Survival of the Band During a Robot Uprising?

Surprisingly low.  If a robot's first thought when meeting Y&T is to punch the drummer in the face, I'd suggest Y&T lays low during the AI revolution.