Sunday, June 30, 2013

Those Darn Internet Ads, Part 2

I saw a Fredrick's of Hollywood ad.  I get these served up to me because I once entered a raffle on their site to help raise money for the Home for Blind Crack Orphans with Glandular Problems.  It's true, for all intents and purposes.

I saw this, advertised as "Barely-there silhouettes for boudoir fantasies."

Other than the sheer improbability of it actually looking like that in reality without the aid of gaffer's tape, twine, bobby-pins, modeling clay, and 4th level dark magic, I see another potential problem with this design.  Let me illustrate it with bad photo editing.

That's the look that every woman wants to feel sexy.  The cheap sausage being mugged by a gang of rubber bands look.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Very Interesting, but also Stupid: Miss Nymphet's Zap-In, Part 5

If new to this series, start here.

Have I used "the stunning conclusion" in one of these reviews yet?  Well, here it is.  The stunning conclusion.  Stunning in the same manner a small fluffy bunny is stunned by your car's headlights before your wheels grind it into a bloody pulp.

Why is there a latitudinal line for this guys fur growth?

Things sexier than a hairy guy in tighty-whiteys.
  • Weeping sores
  • Nail Fungus Jello
  • Nail Fungus Jello with Crunchy Bits
  • Same guy, same underwear, just wetter ... and from the front
  • Infected Eye Gouge

Set design by Reynolds Wrap.

Miss Nymphet is back, and now she's been miniaturized and lives inside the circuit board of a CB radio.  She's whispering again, either trying to be sultry or salty.  You might think salty is a mistake, but she earns double tips during fleet week.

Splitting up the matador painting was the most painful part of the divorce.

Oh, hey, hello there, room, my old friend!  It's been nearly two minutes since we've last had a skit in your wall-papered and probably pretty sticky confines.  I don't think I've been kind enough about all the great things this hard-working room has brought to this film.  The sick-giraffe-mucus colored sofa, for one.  And how said sofa is slowly absorbing our thin-tied and thin-haired zinger-setup guy.

One hopes this movie gives us many more wonderful moments together, room!

Dresses were really, really short in the 60s!

Oh joy!  It's the same room, and the same wonderful couch, with the additional of the man-child comedy cliché and the woman who obviously didn't check the mirror before she left the house.

Let's delve into fashion for a bit.  I like short skirts.  This woman has the legs to pull off a short skirt.  Still, I think this might be a tad bit too short.  The solution?  Kick annoying Little Lord Fauntleroy right in the nuts.  It's fashionable.

Special note: They switched the pictures.  Tricky!  It's like a whole new room!

At least it didn't say "other bargains around back."

This frame wouldn't come off so much as a cry for help if I explained the set-up is that she's at a kissing booth.  I can hear the one or two of you who aren't automated web crawlers saying "ah-ha", and then moving on to the next picture, hoping I forgot to censor a nipple.

I do want a little credit here; what I did with that text was distract you from how utterly enormous that underwear is.  That look isn't a smile, it's the last muscle twitch as whatever smell is wafting off those greasy briefs eats her brain cells.

I'm guessing that now I don't get that credit as I've probably fixated you on those mammoth junk squeezers.

The local community theatre production of Oklahoma was awful.

As this awful "lost" movie winds down like an old toy with a broken spring and six separate strains of syphilis, we get a couple rejected "zap" freezes.  The good news: it looks like that guy on the left is about to fall over and smash that moron in the man-child costume.  The bad news: The woman in blue hasn't noticed Rasputin sneaking up behind her.

The fainting woman on the right just realized it was a mistake to make a dress out of the mammoth underwear.

Somebody signed this.

And so here ends our journey into Miss Nymphet's Zap-In, a "lost" HG Lewis picture.  I keep quoting "lost" because Lewis probably reviewed what he had with this and decided it wasn't even worth releasing, or whatever limited trial run he had caused major riots.  I like to think of Lewis as exploitation's own Igor Stravinsky.

You're not buying that, are you?

Monday, June 17, 2013

Very Interesting, but also Stupid: Miss Nymphet's Zap-In, Part 4

If new to this series, start here.

Guess what -- Miss Nymphet's Zap-In isn't done with the rape jokes yet!  But to show the kind of expansiveness you'd expect from a nudie version of laugh-in, the movie has kindly added racist, gay-panic, and misogynistic jokes!  It's a full-house of crap!

This is the 45th time we've seen this room.  There must be fluid on every surface.

We are leaving the 101 jokes books behind for this segment because this is where the movie really starts to get funny.  I should note that I just swallowed a bowl full of peyote cut with lye, so that might have had something to do with it.

This gag involves a couple deciding to swing with this other couple.  As it turns out, the two women pair off, and the skit ends on "I wonder how the boys are doing."  Probably pretty well -- they aren't naked on camera rolling around on a floor which is probably stickier than oozing sore day at the local strip club.

Anthropologist are now sure tribal societies painted skull and crossbones on their cartoon pots.

Oh %^!^!@^#%!$ black face.  Black face!  Or, in this case, black about everything.  If only the movie would take a clue and fade to black.

Our two natives have an argument.  It ends with the female native saying that "he can have the soup, I just want the bone", and then she tries to climb into the pot.  The guy tries to pull her in.  They fail.  They are both defeated by a paper-mache pot, and apt metaphor for watching this movie.

The quality of signs on American Pickers has really gone downhill.

An extended sequence has a guy constantly stuffing quarters into a nudie roll box to see the entire roll.  He puts about $1 in the machine, way, way, way over paying for the "hot stuff" content, where nothing hot happens and absolutely nothing gets stuffed anywhere.

She's got enough hair, can't she loan him some?

Our viewer gets to see the most drab nudie roll ever.  Curtains the color of ashamed dirt, bed sheets the color of mint mold, and a plant threatening to die even though its made of plastic.

Our actors are a curdled pudding in the shape of a man and a woman whose concentration on the scene is so poor you'd swear she's running "The Wheels on the Bus" through her head.

Instead of Hot Stuff, I'd rather have to sit through 1985's The Stuff.  That's worth 25¢.

Grrrr, I say, Grrr!

Ah, good ol' nightmare fuel.

This joke, and I use that term loosely, is supposed to take place in a big game hunter's parlor.  It's realistic if the big game he's hunting is in the children's Halloween costume isle at the local Costco.  At least we get a good look at the ever present wallpaper, and it's unique why the hell isn't this on the floor it looks like floor tile design.

Like the Wizard of Oz, the corny lion mask really wishes it had a heart, so it could rip it out and not have to watch the rest of this movie.

Oh, come on, did you step in gum?

Yes, it's a man stepping on a woman.  There's a joke.  It's not worth repeating.  The thing about this is at least we know the movie can't really plumb any further depths ... can it?  It wouldn't, would it?  And with all this text setting up the joke, you know what's coming next:

It's terrifying to be raped by The Monkeys.

Oh come on!

Here's the joke.  They get raped.  Ha ha.  Hardy har har.  I should note that the first woman goes "Please Lord, forgive him for he knows not what he does" and the second lady -- who's liking the rape -- says "well mine knows what he's doing!"

Again: Har.

It doesn't make this bit any less offensive, but I really can't get over how much our two rapist look like The Monkeys -- as if they just took a break from filming a broad and racist Mexican character sketch for a quick rape.  Peter needs a fix and Mikey is really going to stick a pig!

That's going to bring in some bizarre google searches ...

One (thankfully) more: Part 5

Saturday, June 15, 2013

A Breather with Brian Blessed

This current review isn't going so well, is it?

Well, you have nothing to fear as I, Brian Blessed, or just a poor parody of such, is here to give you a slight breather from all the bad puns, naked women, and seizure inducing green lines.

I myself was once in a strange nudie comedy movie!  'Tiz true!  Right in between two of my more famous works, Brian Blessed Screams Until Barren Women are Fertile and Brian Blessed Screams Until Grown Men Crap Their Pants.  A wondrous time of my career!  Many bears were fought, including the ones with skull-mounted machine guns and cybernetic war implants.  All fell before my crushing might and melodious voice!

But I digress.  Though I can.  International law has many special sections for I, Brian Blessed!

This movie, Brian Blessed Screams the Panties off of Many Chicks was not the box office bonanza I am normally used to.  Still, it's no where near as awful as Miss Nymphet's Zap-In.  Still though, not as terrible as the bearded stink-burger that was Brian Blessed Screams at Tiny Hamster Until They Explode.  That one did terrible for the 8-12 demographic!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Very Interesting, but also Stupid: Miss Nymphet's Zap-In, Part 3

If new to this series, start here.

This one's late.  I had to build up the strength.  Well, not exactly.  First I had to turn off the gas and close the oven door, then I had to build up the strength.  You just have to read about it, I had to basically crawl over acid covered broken glass in the deepest bowels of hell ... I might be being a bit overdramatic.  Slightly.

For this piece, we are going to take a break from 101 Hamburger Jokes for the equally hilarious (a grand mal seizure helps here) 101 Elephant Jokes.  Let's have a sample:

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stomp out forest fires!

Q: Why do elephants have flat feed?
A: To stamp out burning ducks!

Is it wrong that I'm missing Ralphus?

Here we have Sardu a Russian diplomat named ... sigh ... General NutsOff.  The glorious heights of comedy from this scene will never again be reached, and when they finally crest the top of the mountain, we can all hope the thin oxygen chokes them dead.

He's disappointed that American women are not hairy all over, like Russian women.  I have to stop here as I'm treading on very thin ice with my Russian audience of spammers -- and treading on thin ice is something elephants would never do.  Did I say elephant?  Time for an elephant joke!

Q: One way to catch elephants:
A: Hide in the grass and make a noise like a peanut!

I guess Euthanasia it is!

You know what makes a hilarious joke?  STDs.  Also, elephants.

Q: How do you lift an elephant?
A: Put him on an acorn and wait twenty years!

When exploring the deepest jungle, make sure to take your pith helmet and nice slacks.

I love this next bit.  It's basically a white explorer getting eating in more ways than one by a sexy native.  What's great about it is that it's racists as all hell by one angle, but progressive in the other as the woman has all the sexual power.

It's the matter/anti-matter of nudie comedy.  Any hope that a spontaneous reaction destroys the rest of this film is quickly dashed, though.

Q: Why do elephants never lie?
A: The grass isn't very comfortable!

Pippi Longstockings: The Club Years.

It's Miss Nymphet again.  You can barely hear anything she says because she's trying for a sultry tone.  Instead it comes off as like whispering to the person next to you that you have to go really, really bad and could you please hurry up?

So, bonus jokes!

Q: What's gray and white and red all over?
A: A sunburnt elephant!

Q: Why are elephants gray?
A: So you can tell them from the bluebirds!

Go-Go Away.

Our go-go dancers make another of their numerous returns.  The one of the right can dance.  The one of the left can waddle forward and then backwards.  It's amazing how mismatched they are.  One is somewhat sexy and the other seems to have workplace injuries.

I'm still not sure if we are paying the proper respect to our plastic and plywood Taj Mahal.  Hey, there's elephants in India, right?

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: They can't afford suitcases!

The first time Holly Madison saw Hef naked.

That's certainly not a wig.  They had to clear all the cats off the set or else the wig might give chase.

Her face isn't a reaction to a joke, it's the actress realizing that the wig she is currently wearing was just used in another scene to create the "60s hairy man chest" effect.

Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Two scoops of ice cream, some soda, and an elephant!

The pants are a deadlier weapon than the knife.

Just when you thought this movie couldn't cross a line, you see it charge straight through it and over an embankment.  The next quick joke is a home invasion rape-joke.  And it's smiles all around!  The basic setup is the guy breaks in and the woman says "I though I was the one that was supposed to stick it up!"


I honestly want to take a bath myself now, and I hope my tub has more than one inch of water in it.  Seriously, why?  Are only the backs of her legs dirty?

I leave you with this:

Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
A: From playing Marbles!

Yes, there's more: Part 4

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Very Interesting, but also Stupid: Miss Nymphet's Zap-In, Part 2

If new to this series, start here.

MST3K once agreed to do a movie without sitting down and viewing the entire movie.  This was the infamous The Side Hackers.  They were shocked when they discovered it contained a brutal rape and murder scene.  I have made the same mistake by just flipping through Miss Nymphet's Zap-In.  This thing is just awful to the extreme, with about a hundred one minutes segments with bad jokes and worse set design by Azaroth, fourth prince on the left hand side of Satan and worst party guest ever.  Honestly, don't invite him to your next Bar-B-Que.

So, I'm stuck.  You're not.  But my loyal viewership of 10s won't leave me, even if I once again resort to stealing loving tributes from internet comedy pioneer James Lileks and jokes from 101 Hamburger Jokes.

Parade of Horrorables presents:
The Gallery of Regrettable Dirty Jokes

Somebody call up the lawyers for Total Recall.

The Joke: That's nothing, you should see what she has two of! 
Why It Is Not Funny: There's nothing (outside of the three breasts) that she could have two of that wouldn't gross me out.

Better Hamburger Joke:

Q: Where do the burgers go on New Year's Eve?
A: To a meat ball!

Stare at the wallpaper!  You are getting sleepy!  You will obey the matador!

The Joke: I'd leave but I can't find my clothes!
Why It Is Not Funny: Cortez on the wall doesn't look like he's laughing.

Better Hamburger Joke:

Q: Which Opera is about our meaty friends?
A: The Barbecue of Seville!

She picks men by best hair to grease ratio. 

The Joke: [Pretending to be a salesman] So what do you think about these new sheets?
Why It Is Not Funny: It's somehow not as bad if the guy messing around with your wife is a salesman selling her sheets?  Is there a diagram for the levels of "messing?"  Is this below plumber but above vacuum salesman?

Better Hamburger Joke:

Q: Which burgers love to act?
A: Ham-burgers!

These barren walls represent our lost love!

The Joke: You can't do anything right, he's supposed to be in the closet, not you! 
Why It Is Not Funny: Because you have to stop to ponder why a grown man has a glow-in-the-dark wizard shirt in his closet.

Better Hamburger Joke:

Q: Who is the hamburger's favourite singer?
A: Hammy Davis Jr!

Booze, ashtray, giant dark wood headboard.  It's the 60s.  Or you're grandparent's garage sale.

The Joke: Now there's another type of black power!
Why It Is Not Funny: Nothing says "yucks" like lifting a statement of solidarity for those without power and using it as a punch line for a sex joke.  Thank whatever deity you believe in that they didn't go with a firehouse joke.*

Better Hamburger Joke:

Q: Where is home to a burger?
A: Any old cow town!

* my sincere apologies, this movie is just killing me!

Serial killing isn't nearly as bad if the guy has to do the bunny through the hole trick to tie the knot.

The Joke: We all have our little hang ups. 
Why It Is Not Funny: I think they've mistaken funny for "pants full terror plus next change of pants full, plus a couple other buckets and that rain barrel over there."

Better Hamburger Joke:

Q: Why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play?
A: Because hot dogs are the wurst!

There's more: Part 3

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Very Interesting, but also Stupid: Miss Nymphet's Zap-In, Part 1

Today we start our multipart look at a "lost" Herschell Gordon Lewis movie, 1970's Miss Nymphet's Zap-In.  Imagine a Lewis movie that even Lewis didn't care to keep.  Now imagine it's a nude take-off of Laugh-In.

Yup.  Tighten your seat belts and put on your knee pads.  It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Art Director: Little Bobby Johnson, Age 5

Recovered from a recently found 35mm print that's so scratchy it's easy to believe the film was trying to destroy itself out of embarrassment -- we can now see this lost classic in all it's glory.  I'm using the terms "classic" and "glory" very loosely, also "we" as I doubt anybody has read past that title card.

This nudie cutie is basically a take off of Laugh-In, plus boobs, minus humor.  And, if you've ever seen Laugh-In, you know that minus humor is to be taken very seriously.  Laugh-In was about as funny as getting your hand stuck in a bear trap; Zap-In is about as funny as getting your hand stuck in a bear trap with a bear near-by who thinks the tastiest part of humans are the genitals.

The party never ends in hell!

Each terrifyingly unfunny skit ends with either the same two go-go dancers or the cast and crew of the local community theatre production of STD: The Musical! yelling "Zap."

The basic premise is naked women + bad joke + bucket of pain.  Instead of repeating the jokes, I'm going to substitute a joke from 101 Hamburger Jokes.  Are they funnier than the movie jokes?  Slightly.  Kind of like the difference between falling into a porta-potty or having one dumped over you.

The guy from the Apple vs PC ads was desperate for money.

Our first skit involves a naked chick and a refuge from the hobo dimension's idea of a boy band.  There's a joke.  It's truly awful.  So let's try something from 101 Hamburger Jokes instead.

Q: Where did the burgers go after their wedding?
A: On a bun-eymoon!

All this doctor equipment was expensive, so we decorated with construction paper.

The next skit is a women complaining to a doctor that she wonders if she's frigid.  Gee, golly, I wonder where the heck this skit is going?  The possibilities for this story arc are nearly endless; multitudes of branching paths with deep emotional connections and fascinating characters.

Or, you know, the 1970 nudie cutie equivalent of off-screen sex.  It's possible!

I don't think that's a regulation tongue depressor...

One strange thing about this skit: the guy playing the doctor has decided on a pretty poor Paul Lynde impersonation.  I hate to break it to them, but I don't think this is how Lynde played doctor.  There were a lot less boobs around.

What's the scene's joke?  I don't think there is one.  There's a punch line, but it's about as close to a joke as this blog is to relevance, which is to say, not very.  So, 101 Hamburger Jokes it is!

Q: What did the hamburger say when it pleaded not guilty?
A: I've been flamed!

The only time go-go dancing was allowed in the Taj Mahal.

Red-headed Zebra-Centaur and Semaphore Skirt do some go-go dancing and we get an over-layed joke.  To demonstrate I haven't been kidding about the horror of this, the joke is:

Q: The social event of the vice squad
A: The police man's ball

Was it worth it to know that?  Why, when you can have this?

Q: What happens when two burgers fall in love?
A: They live together in holy meatrimony!

Continue: Part 2!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Those Darn Internet Ads, Part 1

A new feature here at the parade, sure to enchant very small children who laugh at keys and very dizzy otters.

Today's ad:

Other than the stunning reveal of the advanced Asian Woman cloning experiment, I do have to appreciate that this ad really caters to people who believe that beauty is what's inside, and not tied to an age.  That a women, of any age, can be dating material.

Specifically the ages 18 to 98!

Once you hit 99?  Over the hill, lady!  Time to pack up that uterus and get left on a mountain top!

Sadly, the clones are all 19 so it's a bit like Henry Ford: We have any color you want, as long as it's black.  We have any age and look, as long as it's photoshopped within a inch of it's life!

The "I am a" combo box is a bit presumptuous.  There's only room for a three letter word.  What about warthog seeking woman?