Friday, December 28, 2012

Instant Orgy

Here's my combined Christmas present, New Year Celebration, and painful, burning rash.

With just a hint of lime!

This 60s nudie cutie short involves the miracle drink Instant Orgy, which isn't instant and doesn't result in an orgy, but you're reading this and I'm watching it so let's all suck it up for the holidays, all right?

I'm sorry, I'm a little out of sorts, because I've been to six stores already and not a single one stocks Instant Orgy, and am getting sick of clerks giving me the stink eye when I ask if it comes in bulk.

Behold the WOOD!  I'm surprised the lampshade's not made of it!

Here's our cast of boobs characters.  I should note, for purist -- you exist, right? -- there's a little subplot which barely ties in -- if you squint and continually hit yourself in the head with a mallet while watching it.  So let's skip that.

Here we have out ladies group meeting, and they are discussing what to do with the extra money from their fund drive.  Giving it to needy children is approved.  The director of this short seemed to have a fetish for wood panelling and riveting fund raising discussions.

By the way, a black lamp shade?  Isn't that a bit counter productive?

He already used the instant ugly curtains.

Luckily, our unseen hand of orgy enters the scene and spikes the punch, which seems to be composed of some sort of CHUD squeezings plus a couple pieces of rancid snake sections.

Was there a sale of big, gaudy, white bows?

Uh oh, I sense zany antics and/or and orgy approaching!

Our leader doesn't drink any because she states that she is on a diet.  This is so, later on, she can go "girls, girls, what are you doing!" as if it wasn't immediately recognizable that they are partaking in an instant orgy (it's not.)

Take in a little light reading before the orgy.

Our tainted CHUD juice begins to have an effect.  The women start to get hot, feel great, and then get immediately nauseous when they see the curtain print has somehow transferred to the couch.

After a little stripping, one of the women says "turn on the radio", and before you can say "generic 60s rockabilly/surf guitar" the orgy starts.

Actually, all they do is go-go dance for 5 minutes.  With all the books around, you think somebody would have looked up the definition of the word "orgy."  Also, get a refund for your bottle of instant orgy, it's expired.

Dance the panelling away!

Our first dancer looks remarkably like Flo from the Geico commercials.  Rule 34, people!  Quite fetching in her tiger stripe panties or possible just a weird place she stores her fruit stripe gum.

It's a hat-optional orgy.

You on the left, if you are going to be in a short called Instant Orgy, leave the granny panties behind.  It doesn't matter if it's mesh, it's still granny panties.  You're ruining the fun for everybody, especially Cheech Wizard on the right.

Left to Right: Adorable stripper, haughty stripper.

They're so cute!  I just want to give them lots of hugs, and then not open my door so I won't get served the lawsuit papers.

The complete selection of panties available in the 60s.

Instant Orgy juice: used before the invention of 20 year olds, clubs, and booze, and seemingly less effective.  Progress marches on!

See everybody next year!

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The Red Menace

My fiancé just made this the best Xmas, equal to the time she got me Shogun Warriors.  Behold the haul:


Left to right, Badger, now named Sir-Evil-Death-Dealer, Coyote, now named Taint-of-all-Blackness, and Bobcat, named Lloyd.

Lloyd of the darkened-pits-of-despair.

They have an awesome club.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Bardos Metal Mania: Loverboy: Hot Girls in Love

We're going to branch out a little and do a video that's more hard rock than metal.  Well, more rock than hard rock.  Well, more ... something.  There's vocals, guitar, bass, and drums -- it seems to be music.  It's Canada, what do you expect?  It's hard to come up with riffs when you're under the constant threat of polar bear attack.

Loverboy
Hot Girls in Love

Car Crash Most Likely To Result In Aquanet Explosion

So let's meet our hot girl(s) in love:

She was so sure up-turned collars and jean jackets would never go out of style.

She's either racing towards love or away from Loverboy, and seeing that outside the window there's no snow, ice, sleet, or abominable snowmen, then I'm guessing away.

Most Likely to get Dudes with Beards up in your Grill

Did they think using this car would convince people it's a ZZ Top video?  I'm thinking they might catch on when they see Mike Reno's leather clad butt instead of a hot pair of legs (not from Reno.)

The bananamobile was the least expensive car they could rent.

And, as said many times on Jerry Springer: there's a lot of junk in that trunk.  Which is why there's no room left for musicianship or song writing.

Scene that gives us the Most False Hope

Loverboy standing on a large collection of barrels, each filled with gasoline.  Oh, my kingdom for a match!

If this was Def Leppard, they'd be barrels of wiskey.

I do enjoy the color coding.  The guitarist is all in black, but has a red guitar.  The bassist has a black bass, but an all red suit.  The singer and keyboards have red and black suits ....

... but the drummer is dressed like a checkerboard.

Every band has that one guy who all the rest of them hate because he never reads the memos.  They look, they shake their heads, and he's the guy always forced to make the donut runs.

2012 Grand Prize Winner for Least Sexy Pose Ever

I've gone through a number of T&A films this year, so you know you have to either try really hard or just be so incompetent that it's automatic.

Loverboy isn't capable of trying hard, so incompetent it is!

Yes, models love this flattering pose.

First up, the slow tummy to crotch pan, with bonus lens distortion!  A big hit with the ladies, nothing makes you look more shaped like a football with two over-stuff sausages hanging out of it.  Sure to bring the boys running!

Bonus: Handkerchief belt looks even more ridiculous.

Thinking about that, I hope it's not the same one Reno is wearing.  She's going to catch something from Reno's forehead sweat!

I guess Loverboy bored her to sleep.

And finally, the pose that launched a million dating site profile pictures, the gang-land drive-by shooting corpse.

Excuse me, I need to take a cold shower.

Most Honest Background Ever

Let's judge this solo:

Nobody noticed in editing?

The background already did it for us: running on empty!

FVEL?  Really?  You can take art-deco too far.

Loverboy's Most Esoteric Metaphor

The video is somehow about gas, I kid you not.  I can't exactly put my finger on why, unless the original name of the song was "Hot Girls in Love (and soaked in gas)", but they shortened it because it's Canada and they don't have gas up there but just burning logs to keep the frost giants away.

So, how does a band full of intellectuals callback to the theme?

If you can't tell, he's using gas pump nozzles for sticks.

*sigh*

Merry Christmas, Everybody!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Blog Birthday!

Exactly one year ago today, this blog started up with a pretty lame TrapJaw joke.  A little over 6000 hits later (I haven't even reached internet nobody status yet),  I'm going to continue the tradition.

This is the kind of cutting edge -- and not at all done by literally everybody else my age -- humor that has thrilled the 1s of 2s of folks that visit my blog.

So, without further delaying of the nonsense, we begin year 2!


TrapJaw
While Teela is busy with the Sorceress, I will sneak up and clamp her with
my deadly ... well ... trap jaw!

It's a bit predictable, but it is my go-to device.

I feel you shouldn't deny the classics, and yes, I'm procrastinating to hold
off the inevitable conclusion of getting another sword rammed down my gullet.


Sorceress
I'm not touching you!  Is this annoying?  Not touching!


TrapJaw
Holy living badonkadonk....!

Clawful
Oh leave me some to clamp!  Please!  I will literally be your slave for a year.
A whole year!  I will use my teeth to chisel off the crust from underneath
your refrigerator!  I will do that!  For a year.

TrapJaw
I have never seen anything as amazing ...
and I work with a muscle-bound skeleton that has a squeaky voice and
believes that hiring a man-sized skunk named Stinkor is a competent decision.


Teela
Ah-ha, scoundrels!  Thought you could sneak up on me!
Next time you should be more quiet!


TrapJaw
Drat ... foiled again by pervy filmmation animators!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

A Nice Pair: The Adventures of Lucky Pierre, Part 7

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

This broken toy of a film winds down to a screeching halt with it's final cornucopia of boobs and butts, and only minor interruptions from the pug-faced, human-form playdough Billy Falbo.

You will notice the film switches from B&W to color in this segment.  The reason is contained in what seems like a fourth-wall joke, but is more likely that Lewis ran out of color film, or more likely, Falbo's presence drained the very color from reality.

Picnic at the Playground

Filmed exclusively on a human leg cross-section.

In this segment, there's no picnic.  There's no food.  There is a playground (most old drive-ins had playgrounds attached,) and there's a severe lack of clothes.  It stars the same three women from the segment before, so you're in for the same half-assed jokes as before.

Enjoy!

 Hey Boo-Boo, I'm suddenly not interested in the pic-a-nic baskets!

Our three hot chicks are spending a day, not at all, in any way, having a picnic.  They are about to play in the sand and on various rickety playground equipment -- in high heels -- in a Lewis movie which means there's no health insurance and the catering is done by two gin-soaked winos who robbed a donut shop last night.

So, with no further ado:

Let's Introduce Our Lovely Ladies!

 Angry at something, just not sure what ...

This be-wigged siren is still trying to master the sexy face, but if you'll accept a sub-par pout, then this is the lady for you!

She's into wigs, big gold earrings, wigs, alpaca wigs, raccoon-hair wigs, straw wigs, cursed wigs made of the hair of dead witches, and wigs.

Favorite color: blonde.  Not brunette!  Natural blonde, damn it!

 Wheeeeeee!  My wig serves as a majestic wing!

She's a real swinger!  Oh I'm sorry I'm truly sorry I've done seven of these and I'm not feeling well, I've been dizzy and I'm not eating much and everything I touch feels sticky and I think I've lost vision in my left eye ... please forgive me oh I no longer know right from pun wrong.

 She's very enthusiastically happy.   Won't be when she sees the completed movie.

Look at that poise!  Look at that winning smile!  This is the look of someone that was told that this part would lead to fame and fortune and not being pawed by a shaven ape named Falbo.

I'm betting that smile faded pretty fast.

 I think I ruptured my spleen!

There's nothing this fit woman enjoys more than a healthy round of calisthenics, she's ... also ... a real ... swinger.  Look, I'm sorry again.  I've turned to drugs to deal with the pain of this movie, I've even started mainlining lighter fluid using a penis pump.  Everything has been getting dark and I don't think I'll ever see anything resembling the tiniest shred of hope ever again.

Too dark, right?  That's alright, I can jump from light to dark -- just like the lighting in this segment!  Hey, Lewis, how about you do something more than the minimal amount of work required to make a movie?

 Did they have Nair in 1961?

Here we have a lady who's not afraid to show her underarms, to you, to the world, to Lewis, to Falbo, and especially not Bumble who's pretty damn happy this is about over.

Also: This woman is an innovator.  She's already discovered and perfected the Facebook profile picture weight-reducing pose, in 1961.

 By the way, she's doing this in heels.  Not so high and mighty now, are you?

Think I'm going to make the same joke here, don't you?  You can't swing on monkey bars, why, swinging and monkeys, there's absolutely no connection.

That said, this hot chick can really bracheate.

Falbo looks dead, which makes this a happy ending!

And now we come to the end of our exhaustive review of the major themes, character arcs, wigs, and boobs of The Adventures of Lucky Pierre.

Somebody was lucky.  It wasn't us.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

A Nice Pair: The Adventures of Lucky Pierre, Part 6

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

I've made it through 5 segments.  While most of you have probably bailed a long time ago, I will say that at least this movie -- which is full of painfully unfunny physical humor -- has not yet stooped to the level of puns.

Drive-In Me Crazy

Son of a bitch!

If you are going to create a movie whose single laser-like focus is on boobs and butts, it is well advised to start your titles with said boobs and butts.

Then, you can get straight onto the business of endless driving scenes.

Hopefully that arrow  points towards a bottomless cliff.

There's nothing in this world more simulating then a sign telling you just how much time we are going to waste before the ladies.  Oh, and try to chew up at least a minute or two on this amazingly riveting sign reading scene.

Lewis, just a note, something to consider in the future: we are here to see boobs, not a boob.

Mötely Crüe will play anywhere.

82 years later, in geological time, we finally arrive.  Again, another sign that seems to be telling us we've arrived at the aforementioned hot, naked ladies.

So, this would be a fine time to waste another minute panning around the markee.

Lewis, another note:  Framing.  Is it that hard?

It's not the markee he's looking at, it's the nuclear explosion to his right lighting the scene.

This part is followed by another long stretch of Falbo jumping around like he's eaten a case of mexican jumping beans and drank a six-pack of Jolt Cola.  Once more, Lewis manages to frame the scene in a strange way, with Falbo on the right and some old truck on the left.

Was this truck some type of narrative device?  Some element that will be used later to advance the plot?  Or did Lewis just hack this one out as quickly as possible to make a fast buck?  Your guess is hacked it out as quickly as possible to make a fast buck.

Yes, not a wig. And those earrings are pure gold, too.

We finally get our first chick who seems to have just barely survived a vicious forehead caterpillar attack.  She seems pretty perplexed by the whole endeavor of film making.  Brooke Shields in a bad wig is the ticket lady, gives Falbo the ticket, and then ...

Do I need to say it?

Literally another couple minutes of Falbo driving around the lot.  There's nobody else there (eventually other cars fill in around him and block his line of sight -- har-de-har.)

I think Lewis knew this was the last segment and if he was going to get this movie to just shy of 60 minutes he had to do some padding.  Sadly, this was made long before breasts were padded, so our padding is a lot less entertaining and a lot more Falbo.

If you looked at this and thought "that fence needs repairs", then join my sad, over-analytical club.

So our second hot chick -- or it might be the first, I'm really not going back to check -- delivers Falbo some popcorn, three boxes worth.  This scene offers a small window into the future, where Vegas Falbo sits alone in his suite, consuming whole turkeys.

Rumored to consume whole turkeys.

Just in case people actually visit this blog.

Is the camera man lying on the hood?  Club meetings at 3!

Our next hot chick delivers more popcorn.  Yes, that's the joke, Falbo gets too much popcorn.  That's it, ladies and gentleman.  All in the service of T&A.

This new 3D is great!

Finally, the fourth hot chick throws more popcorn at Falbo and it's gets all over him like those Vegas years where it's rumored he would fall asleep in a puddle of gravy with a turkey leg sticking out of his still chomping maw.

Rumored.

One more segment after this, and it's the short that Falbo is watching at the drive-in. It's a segment that full on hot chicks, playground equipment, and nary a Falbo in sight. It is glorious.

Next: Part 7

Monday, December 10, 2012

A Nice Pair: The Adventures of Lucky Pierre, Part 5

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

Baring absolutely no resemblance to any of the other segments, Billy Falbo is a shlub who runs into naked women.  The growth in story telling, in the character arcs, all reach a crescendo in this segment.

Then again, I was huffing industrial solvent while I watched it through a blue-ish haze.  So, the above paragraph might not be accurate.  It's potentially the same crap as before.

The Photographer's Apprentice

 The closest the word "Falbo" and "Glamour" will ever be.

In this segment, Falbo is a janitor in a glamour photo studio, and not, as I originally suspected, the notorious broom serial killer whose murderous rages were triggered by faux brick walls.

We get some close approximation of comedy where Falbo blows smoke into the camera and the camera blows it back.  He mugs.  The camera shows more emotion than Falbo, and then there's a knock at the door because Lewis' keen directorial skills tells him the audience would rather see chicks than Falbo.

Imagine that.

 Honestly, you're in The Adventures of Lucky Pierre.  Tone it down a bit!

The first model walks in as if she's too good for Falbo.  Since most types of tree bark, snail slime trails, and loose paperclips in the back of drawers are too good for Falbo, this is to be expected.

 This model is multi-dimensional, from frumpy shorts to frumpy leotard.

The second model walks in as if somebody just ran over her dog, tore off it's bloody head, placed it on a stake in her front yard, and demanded that by raising this bloody dog-head-flag, he has claimed this land for Spain.

Falbo stares on pretty creepily.  Maybe he hit the dog?

 The last person to give Falbo that look lost a kneecap.

The third model comes in wearing her admirals uniform that she soaked in chocolate.  She also ignores Falbo as if he was less than a cockroach.  True, but really, is that any excuse for bad behavior?

That is all suddenly forgotten -- by script fiat -- as they seem to mistake the janitor for the photographer.  Or maybe he is just doing double duty?  This is a plot element not fully explained by the script, and I would complain but then I might miss some boobs.

 We're getting paid extra for the pawing from the crew, right?

That's one sexy The Thinker cosplay!

I note here that the trick of this segment is everytime Falbo is about to take a picture, the women disappears.

It has finally happened, Falbo's mugging has torn a hole in space and time.

 By angle of the camera, this is a shoot for left-thigh fetish magazine.

Our first model gets into the "deciding if I want to change the light bulb or not, how steady is this chair?" pose.  Falbo gets into his annoying mouth breathing routine.

Sadly, the model disappears, and Falbo stays.

 What's with the prints in 1961?  Did that blanket come from a leperus leopard?

The second model tries way to damn hard.  That's what a smile looks like when it is forced at gunpoint!

 This is the early 60s, you should be that excited to see a nude woman!

The final model does her most famous, most sensual pose, the "getting down the flour from the top shell."  It wowed them in Vegas.

Falbo, your tears are like milk to me!

All the women disappear, and we are left, spent and alone (ugh, sorry) with Falbo, crying like a baby made completely out of soggy mashed potatoes.

It's a joy to behold, and be sure to hold on to that, because more segments are ahead.  I'm not sure if that's a warning or a threat.

Next: Part 6

Saturday, December 8, 2012

A Nice Pair: The Adventures of Lucky Pierre, Part 4

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

This segment is especially jarring as the music sounds like somebody put Rick Wakeman and his Hammond Organ into a industrial car crusher, plus a complete and utter failure at being sexy by presenting the worlds most alarmingly frumpy pair of shorts -- though in a nice pastel blue.

Luckily, those shorts aren't on Billy Falbo.

For The Birds

For Lord's sake, smile, Falbo is near!  Don't let him catch you not smiling!

For the title, Lewis uses the cinematic trick of foreshadowing.  There will, in fact, be naked chicks, and very, very awful clothing choices; for instance, light purple matador pants seemingly filled with lumpy pudding.

He's acting so broadly he can see it from here.

And the moment we've all been waiting for: Falbo prances onto the scene like the tutu wearing elephants in the Dance of the Hours piece from Fantasia.

He's playing a giant chunk of ham bird watcher who is, of course, peeping on the women in the field who seem to be part of some cow-pasture-based stripping club.

What's that?  You are all screaming "I bet the ending will reveal that he's only 5 feet from them."

Give yourself a cookie, perferably made of caustic lye.

Another golden opportunity, missed.  Why not a Yellow Tit, Lewis?

The plastic bird ornament out-acts Falbo.  He shoots it in the knees.

Velma wandered into our nudie movie set.

Here's our first lovely lady, a dedicated, big-haired, Scooby-Doo cosplayer.  She enjoys long walks in the field and spontaneous stripping.  She's turned down many dates from guys dressed up as a great dane and hates those skanky bitches that always dress up as Daphne.

How many hams can you put in stretch pants?

Our next model thunders unto the stage -- and I'm not kidding -- there are cartoon thundering footsteps in this part.  Not nice, Lewis!

Lewis: "Thanks for stripping cheaply for our cheap nude film.  By the way, you're part is Floppy Butt Fat Girl #1."

Model: "Well, I don't know, you'll do this respectfully, right?"

Lewis: "Of course!   We promise not to put in comedic fat noises when you walk.  Trust us!"

Model: "That seemed oddly specific!"

When the early universe expanded into existence, sexy and anti-sexy collided,
eliminating most anti-sexy particles.  Still, large clumps of anti-sexy particles
still remain, usually concentrated in unfortunate shorts.

Granny Shorts Ahoy!

I can't even begin to imagine why this was put on film or how the image even stuck on said film without causing the reel to burst into flames to the cackle of demons.

If this was a style in the 60s, how did society keep going?  How were any babies born?  It just doesn't seem possible, so I'm going to assume this is some one time trick of the light, or just where Friedman and Lewis suddenly had their ideal for Blood Feast.

Didn't Regan have this same pose in the Exorcist?

The running gag is this woman always starts to take off her shirt, and then decides not to (while her friend rolls around in the nude attracting all sorts of chiggers and ticks), while Falbo, watching through his binoculars, mugs and mouths "take it off."

None of that is even remotely creepy.

Nothing says "stroll in a field" like high heels!

Falbo storms off, and we finally get to see the goods.  Lewis forgets to insert some other insulting sound effect, like the squishing of jello in a bowl or maybe the sound of meatloaf falling off a five story building.

Uh oh, I might have just given them an idea for The Return of Lucky Pierre!

Next: Part 5