Monday, April 30, 2012

Sadomasicist Nurse has a Robot Monster Moment

The doctor told me to give the patient an injection ...

... which will hurt ...
... but the injection will stop the pain of the sickness ...
... so, causing more pain actually results in less pain!

I can not, but I must!  How do you calculate that?  At what point on the graph do must and cannot meet?

Ah, screw it.  I'll just whip him!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 3

Why isn't anybody calling?  Attractive!  Hot!  Single!  Get on the phone!

I'm looking for a man that can hold me tenderly ... real tenderly ... I'm a little sore right now.  I'm looking for a man that can appreciate a woman that takes care of what's left of her body; I work out every day so no tummy pouch here!

Yes, I know what some of you guys want, and I'm saving up the money I make on my side job as a big-time TV star on cop procedural shows.  Why, just last night I was "Corpse 2 Industrial Meat Grinder Victim" on CSI Miami!  I'll be using that money to get implants, once the surgeons can find a place to successfully attach them to.  I suggested stapling them to the collar bones, but I've been assured that would leak.  What's the big deal, I already do a lot of leaking!

Likes: A fat guy who has lost a lot of weight and has some extra skin hanging around.
Dislikes: Guys with dogs.  Those little bastards love to run off with organs the minute you fall asleep!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema": Not of this Earth

Yet but another 80s T&A movie.  It's a dirty job, and somebody will get stuck in the muck and the mire doing it.

Not of this Earth

Featuring Traci Lords, America's hottest underage document forger, Not of this Earth is a remake of a 1957 Roger Corman film.  That should be a giant red flag the size of the Bismark.  The director had a bet with Corman that he could film it in 12 days -- and came in half a day under.  That should be enough red flags to fill the flag corps of a marching band.  Watching the movie itself is the final flag, planted right in your head, and embossed with 90 wasted minutes and endless days of regret.

That might be a little exaggerated -- the movie's only 80 minutes long.

One thing Corman couldn't do in the 50s that was required in the 80s was the T of the T&A.  And I'm not talking toes, tonsils, or tender vittles.  Lords -- and hopefully her documents were in order this time -- is either dressed as a nurse, in a bathing suit, in lingerie, or post-shower naked with mysterious disappearing and reappearing heels.  Must be hell on the shower tile.

The films opening titles are that most low budget of hallmarks -- interspaced scenes from other films.  There's some Alien rip-off, some Star Wars rip-off, and a rip off of everything Sid and Marty Krofft ever did, plus extra eyeballs on stalks and puke.

When Chuck Cirino saw where his credit was displayed he
threatened to take his synthesizer and go home.

The plot involves space vampires who want blood but seem to instead constantly run into boobs.  Wars on their planet have left their blood in the state of decay, and their glorious leader Greg Allman demands blood and the banning of all peach-laiden delivery vehicles [too easy, too mean, and probably too obscure].  Eventually a hottie female space vampire joins our crew.  Guess her breast size.  Did you say large?  Do you understand this is a blog and you can't really answer questions by screaming at the screen?

This film tries to convince us that Roger Lodge is a sexy leading man.  I was more willing to swallow the space vampire plot.

Eventually the vampire invade a clinic, and the female gets blood infected with rabies, something every doctor has a refrigerator stocked with, evidently to study the oatmeal-faced side effects.  She beats up some stereotyped punks.  It's nice to see them stereotyping a culture instead of a race ... progress!

Still rocking the shades!

The ending features lots of violence against mailboxes, garbage cans, traffic cones, and my very soul.

One part features three prostitutes lured into a basement to be fed upon.  Two take off their tops, but the third one only removes falsies.  Is this comedy?  I'm not sure, but it makes me want to close up all the vents, turn on the gas, and stick my head in an oven.  That's comedy, right?  Listen "Third Hooker" (no kidding, it's in the credits), this is a later period Roger Corman film, honestly, you were hired for a reason, and comedy wasn't it.

One interesting part, the prostitute screen left (ask your local hooker for a screen left, it'll cost you $50 but its well worth it) is Ava Cadell.  Who later went on to get a doctorate in psychology, wrote many books, seems very knowledgable, and made a career out of being a sex therapist.

Everything the authorities told you was wrong!

Next time somebody tells you women who strip in movies are drug addicts with daddy issues, here's your counter-example.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

An Anti-Genetic Engineering Argument Redux

What has advances in genetic engineering brought us?

A Hitler wolf that:
  • is pleasantly pleased by old time phones
  • knows his way around LA
  • looks smashing in white gloves
  • ... and is a pyrokinetic!
What freakish mind would create or desire such a thing?

A wolf!!  A wolf!!  Hoo-boy!  Let me at 'em!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Hordak Has Fooled The Nerds!

Attention internet nerds, Hordak has fooled you!

You assumed Hordak was through with you after SOPA died, but it was a trick!  SOPA has been resurrected using the mysticism of Cthulhu and greed (well, 99% greed, 1% Cthulhu) and the most ancient and powerful magic of them all:  A new name!

While you were busy creating your Bleach-uto cos-play costumes and burning wicker baskets at the bummed man festival, Hordak has once again outmaneuvered and out-smarted you!

Now that SOPA is called ... well ... something ... Hordak couldn't get "the google" to work right ... everything is coming up roses; roses that spurt out $100 bills at Hordak!  Soon Hordak will be rich and I will have my own castle and I can finally shut Skeletor up!

What, are you telling me they now allow moats around shacks?  Ha ha ha ha ha!


Hordak will remember this when it's time for a raise ... of which Hordak has never given but this time I won't even consider it!

What is with these corporate overlords?  It's almost as if they don't appreciate Hordak's gusto to destroy the world's most important information and network system for obscene profits!

What does Hordak have to do?  Kill puppies?  Drown kittens?  Actually take Red Hot Riding Hood's Grandma on a date?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Mr. Peevly Panders

Mr. Peevly, with a blog update.

Simon Bar Sinister has told me that he's just updated all his movie reviews with picture, or a single picture, or maybe an animated GIF.  You know, the one with the flashing lights, or the juggling clown, or that demon that comes through a door.  Something like that.  Supposed to make the reviews "funny" or some such nonsense.

This blog has reached the level of GeoCities, circa 1998.  We couldn't be more proud.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Hermey Hankers for a Hunk of Cheese

You see, this, this is what I'm talking about.

There seems to be little respect for Hermey on this blog.  A post about "Isis Checking Wikipedia" -- is that even a joke? -- can get multiple hits.  Hermey gets none.

Well, maybe Hermey will have to start doing some hitting of his own.

Those giant pliers?  The ones that could pull the teeth out of a 20 foot snow monster and turn him into a simpering ornament-hanging rug?  They can be used on more than teeth.  For instance, things that could fit into a box, a box that will be mailed back to family members who aren't clicking everyday on every !$!|#^$%*&! Hermey post, Hermey who is a #!%@!% national treasure, a seasonal institution!

An institution is also where they will put what's left of your loved ones as they crack under the pressure of the slow and steady dismembering that'll make the movie Marathon Man look like Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo.

Oh, and smart guy blog writer?  The one that thought a decades old cheese slogan would be funny for a title because it has a bunch of Hs in it?  Yeah, real good funny man.  Ha ha.  You also know what starts with H?  Hospital.  Harsh Hellfire.  And Ha ha.  Keep laughing while you still have teeth.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 2

More hot singles waiting for your call!

SSFBLGHT (Single Skull Faced Beauty in a Lime Green Halter Top) seeks a man who isn't irritated by the constant clacking noise my jaw makes when I cackle manically in the moonlight.

I'm looking for a man that values love over all other concerns, for instance, needs love more than the tip of his nose.  I'm not saying anything is likely to happen, I just want someone who will understand -- if it happens, again, maybe -- that it's a sign of endearment when if I chew off his nose, and not a demonic compulsion to eat the flesh of the living.

I am also willing to do ... that ... but you'll need to sign a consent form as I have no lips.  I can't be held responsible, certainly not after the nose incident -- I mean not that that would happen again either.  Just sayin'!

Do you like long, blood red hair?  If not, don't worry, the blood washes out!

Likes? Big noses and leverage
Dislikes: Small noses and picky men "oh, I need that to smell!"  Jeeze!  Man Up!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Dissension in the Ranks

I just got an email.

What?  No, I refuse!  No, no no!

This blog wants me to review a 1977 Eurotrash movie called SS Girls.  No!  I'd rather have Underdog punch me so hard I have to wiggle my toes to pee -- and that is something that has actually happened!  It was painful beyond all reasoning and takes at least 6 surgeries to correct -- and I'd rather have that happen again then view even a single frame of what is sure to be a wretched exploitation movie!

No, no no no no no no!  Or Nein for the Nazis in the film, and for the Italians that made it, "Preferisco annegare in un piatto di spaghetti cotti!"  Google translate: making people look both smarter and more buffoonish every day!

Who shall I get to do this?  Who shall be my patsy?

Uh, like, no man.  No way.  Like, nobody clicks on my posts but I don't even hate meesies enough to make them watch this thing!

Actually, I think I was in that one, it was 77 and let's say I don't remember much of that year ... but ... I do have a friend that's eager to please!

A welcome hello to you, my nefarious cartoon-dog adversary!  Big Brain Wonder Woman would enjoy joining your amusement reviewing collective!  Big Brain Wonder Woman has a unusually extreme desire to be appreciated and embraced by others and am willing to view the worst experiences cinema has to offer if it will get me invited to parties as something besides an object of ridicule!

Still worse then getting punched by Underdog!  Now, stupid and witless site administrator, what is my substitute movie to review?


Elvira's Haunted Hills?


Monday, April 2, 2012

Mr. Peevly's State of the Blog

Mr. Peevly, with a State of the Blog update.

I just have one thing to say to the internet.

Why?  Why can't you be decent and upstanding citizen?  Why the hi-jinx?  Why the Mr. Jinks?

"Big Boob Sound Effects" and "Funny Bald Guy Pictures" are two search term that lead to this blog.  Really, can't you just search for Benny Hill on youtube?  That's a treasure trove of boob sound effects and funny bald guys!

And who searched for "The Cursed Mountains of Elvira Picture"?  I hope they meant Elvira's Haunted Hills because if there's a third movie, it's not going to make Simon Bar Sinister, who is bald but not a particularly funny guy, any more humorous.

There will be "Big Boob Sound Effects" aplenty, though, that's a guarantee from this blog!

Pandering to the lowest common denominator for a couple months and not stopping anytime soon.

PS: Whoever gets here by searching for "anti-genetic engineering," we're sorry...

... and so is the crazy genetic abomination that is 1930s cartoon cow.