Hermey Hankers for a Hunk of Cheese

You see, this, this is what I'm talking about.

There seems to be little respect for Hermey on this blog.  A post about "Isis Checking Wikipedia" -- is that even a joke? -- can get multiple hits.  Hermey gets none.

Well, maybe Hermey will have to start doing some hitting of his own.

Those giant pliers?  The ones that could pull the teeth out of a 20 foot snow monster and turn him into a simpering ornament-hanging rug?  They can be used on more than teeth.  For instance, things that could fit into a box, a box that will be mailed back to family members who aren't clicking everyday on every !$!|#^$%*&! Hermey post, Hermey who is a #!%@!% national treasure, a seasonal institution!

An institution is also where they will put what's left of your loved ones as they crack under the pressure of the slow and steady dismembering that'll make the movie Marathon Man look like Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo.

Oh, and smart guy blog writer?  The one that thought a decades old cheese slogan would be funny for a title because it has a bunch of Hs in it?  Yeah, real good funny man.  Ha ha.  You also know what starts with H?  Hospital.  Harsh Hellfire.  And Ha ha.  Keep laughing while you still have teeth.

Hermey Would Like a Word with You

Hermey here.

I've been told my original post has the lowest view count of all the posts on this blog.  It seems there are people that think it wise to read posts from a bland giant monster from Marvel's Shogun Warriors comic of the late 1970s then a post from a #$!%@%! institution like HERMEY.

Ahem.

It seems some people aren't very fond of their teeth.  It seems some people get all misty in the eyes with the desire  to have ... somebody ... drop a giant bolder on their head.  It seems, and correct me if I'm wrong, that some people even want to have themselves held down by a smelly faux-French peppermint miner while I, er, I mean somebody, extracts ... slowly ... each and every one of their teeth.

Think about hearing the "clang" as that somebody release his pliers and each of your teeth clatter into a steel pan.

Think about eating oatmeal the rest of your life.

Let's all think about getting my post count up.

Hermey's Thoughts on the Holiday Season

Hermey here.

So you want to know my thoughts on the holiday season?

How about instead I tell you a story.  In the frozen, deadly landscapes of the north, there lives a beast.  A Yeti, by the name of Bumble.  Bumble is composed of three things: teeth, claws, and blood-fueled fury.  Many have seen this creature.  Few have survived.

Bumble shrugs off bullets as you would the rain; Bumble outweighs me by 25 to 1, and is the same in his stature.  Mountains shake and avalanches roll when he roars.  He eats reindeer whole; no buck is any threat to him, a doe even less so.  He is the top of the food chain in at the North Pole, all fear hearing his fearful howling, for it is a sign you will be his next victim.

I should mention one more thing about this spawn of the blackest hell ... I pulled out every one of it's teeth and made it my bitch.  It now hangs festive ornaments for me.

So, you still want to bother Hermey with questions?  That's what I thought.

Move along now.