Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Love: A Many Snark-ied Thing Part 16

Uh ... yee ha?

It's natural for the two finest fillies in the west to both want Earl Gillicutty, the most tan man in the entire state of Texas.  His kisses are so powerful that they don't even have to connect to send the women-folk reeling.  These women will even brave the gates of some strange crimson hell for his loving, though that fiery pit does seem to have a pretty nice horse stable in it.  All in all, there's some pros and cons to this shrieking pit of despair.

The horse really wants nothing to do with any of this, especially as his rider is charging him face first into a lantern.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Love: A Many Snark-ied Thing Part 15

I can't tell you how many bars I got kicked out of for asking women to "kiss the serpent."

DC comics was willing to try about anything, and a gothic/horror romance book was one of the many things they threw at the wall, trying to see if it would stick.  Of course, a little "venom of the serpent" and it might have stuck better.

This comic lasted 4 issues, two more than Brother Power the Geek.  Remember what I said about DC trying about anything?

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Love: A Many Snark-ied Thing Part 14

Just when everything seems gray, when the world seems dark and cold, when I fear I will never feel anything again ... this comes along:

What are the four colors?  I suspect:
  • Purple
  • Throbbing Purple
  • Angry Purple
  • Veined and Swollen Purple
Thank you, this is the fourth year of this blog and I am so proud of myself.  Somebody has to be.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Love: A Many Snark-ied Thing Part 13

Ricky Nelson: So lovable that he transcends normal three-dimensional space.  So handsome that women turn into puddles even when not directly looking at the TV screen.  A slight view of his square head out of the corners of their eyes is all it takes.

$2.95???  Comics of that day cost 10¢.  Did it come with a chunk of Rick Nelson's kidney?

Jack Kirby got a few extra bucks that week drawing the antenna.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Love: A Many Snark-ied Thing Part 12

I want boobs on that cover!

But sir, I don't know how to draw boobs!  Heck, I barely have any compositional skills whats-so-ever!  I am, though, good with doily borders!

Boobs or you're fired!  Must be equally as big as Guy Mitchell's giant noggin!

Who is Guy Mitchell, you ask?  I suspect this guy: Guy Mitchell.  What a big band pop singer knows about trusting in love, especially one married 3 times, is open to question.  Especially trusting love when your date is clearly a vampire that stole Conan O'Brien's hair.

Bad News: Will kill you and force you to join a coven of the undead.
Good News: Vampires focus on your neck and will tend to ignore mutant breasts.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Love: A Many Snark-ied Thing Part 11

A couple surprising facts about the cover to Cowgirl Romances #8:
  • Bright purple and green shirts were regulation trail wear on the dusty plains
  • Female butts were exceedingly well defined in frontier mini skirts
  • Out on the range, it wasn't uncommon to see a radioactive green sunset
  • The law of the old west: guy who forgets his cowboy scarf gets branded
  • Butts.  Butts.  Right in the center of the cover!  Butts!
  • Cows were orange and red in the 1800s.  Why do you think the uncooked beef is red?
  • Someone is not wearing panties
  • Butts (thanks, bored 1950s artists!)

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Love: A Many Snark-ied Thing Part 10

Love's Ecstasy is only $10 a pop if you talk to Fred over there by the DJ.

So, her love was shattered by her glittering desire, and not at all by the fact that she's slowly turning into a snow cone.  I know Lot's wife got turned into a pillar of salt for looking back at Sodom, but what godly judgement turns you into a snow cone?  Looking back at the 7-11?

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Love: A Many Snark-ied Thing Part 9

It's February, time for Romance!

It's such a tough decision!

Do you pick the screaming lunatic who will probably beat you to a pulp for the roast being slightly too salty?

Or do you pick encyclopedia salesman who strange head slant and hollow window staring shows obvious alien possession, and is sure to be ramming many tentacled things into many unwanted orifices.

Side note: I really enjoyed "Too Beautiful For Love."  Boy, the story of my life!

Sunday, February 2, 2014

A Fling with Space Thing, Part 7

If new to this series, start here.

It's the home stretch of the exhaustive review of the 60s sci-fi nudie film, Space Thing.  "Home stretch" as in a "home" where they will put you if you watch this movie, and "stretch" as in "Stretch Armstong."  I had Stretch Monster.  Damn fine toy.  What, you think I'm trying to avoid talking about Space Thing more?  Pshaw!

Steve Balmer reacting to the sales of Window Vista.

Dumpy McOvenMitts is pissed because nobody is rolling around half naked on the dusty ground with him, getting cactus needles stuck in their tender parts and hard scrabble dirt jammed into every body crevice, of which he probably has many, many extras.

He should consider himself lucky.  He probably escaped this shoot without the need of penicillin, but sadly, not with his dignity intact.

Either a scene from Space Thing or a nature documentary on a golden octopus
eating some pale crab.

Let's try another Parade of Horrorable Fun What If? game.  Let's say you are shooting a nudie film, who's only reason for existence is to show T&A.  And let's say you had to shoot yet but another incredibly fake sex scene.  Where should you focus the camera?

If you said "Clothed butt of male cast member", then you win the prize, which is to stop shooting this scene and start shooting yourself.

The gun is just a symbol of the true battle -- the manly battle of the pants bulge.

The huffy crew member has finally had enough of our alien spy/good guy space-blocking him from rolling around with a bored, underpaid nude actress.  This causes the most Trek-ian turn of events, the shirtless scramble for a gun.

Huffy PJs looses, and gets disintegrated.  Nobody cares.  Really, nobody cares.  I'd say this takes place in the Mirror, Mirror Star Trek universe, but there's a lack of evil goatees.

A photo.  Yes, the actual movie dialog says this is a photo.

Back on the ship, our alien spy finally decides that the only way to properly sabotage this ship -- outside of just letting everybody die of syphilis -- is to destroy the ship by explosives.  Before he does that, he takes out a picture of his wife (remember, he's an alien in disguise) and sadly says goodbye.

This was when I stopped the movie, put my head on the desk, and re-evaluated my life.  Then I thought to myself "It's almost over, it can't get worse."  You know what comes next!

It's not a shoe with gold tape on it, it's a space shoe with space gold tape on it.

It goes way past worse to absolutely ludicrous.

That, boys and girls, is our terrifying, ship destroying explosive, and absolutely not a nine-volt with a fuse taped to it.  And, as much as you think it's being lit by a paper book of matches, those are in fact special space paper matches in a special space paper book.

The Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator goes off, the ship goes kablooey, and Space Thing comes to a merciful end.

What have we learned?  Nothing.  Go home.  Romance month starts soon!