Saturday, June 30, 2012

Stripping through the Graveyard: The Orgy of the Dead Mega Review, Part 5

What is this?  Read this: Simon Bar "Cinema": Orgy of the Dead

05: The Slave Girl Dance


Black Ghoul Criswell Introduction

It will please me very much to see the slave girl with her tortures!
Torture, torture, it pleasures me!

Note: The delivery of this line is something to behold.  Criswell is really either into the lines or the barbiturates, or possible both.  One also can't discount the possibility of a grand mal seizure.  Either way, it's only a single step below "damn dirty apes."

Ed Wood Crazy Talk Grade: A+

Sexiness

Criswell nods approvingly throughout the dance, and who's to argue with a man for whom the future is an open book and the present is an open bar?  Not me!

Rubber Werewolf™ and Grimy-Gause Mummy™ also seem very interested.

Black Ghoul is wondering if she'll get paid when this is all over.

Grace

As you can see, I'm stretching hard to make fun of this dancer.  She's actually very graceful and seems to be trained.  How did Ed Wood score this dancer?  His magnetic personality?  Her desire to actually have some money to afford a meal in LA?

Her name is Nadejda Dobrev, was Bulgarian, and is still very pretty: An over-dubbed 2012 interview.  Maybe she'll stumble over this and be embarrassed all over again!  Nadejda Dobrev, whatever you went through for this, you're appreciated by the 2 or 3 people who mistakenly stumble upon this site while drunk-googling.

Closeness to Theme

Orange, the color of slavery and pumpkins.  

Music

Sub-Disney cartoon drum/muted trumpet middle-eastern music.  It's cut and pasted a number of times, and suddenly dissolves into a strange warm-up orchestra piece when Old-Poodle Werewolf™ and Left-Over-Medical-Waste Mummy™ appear to drain every bit of interest the scene might have garnered.

Length of Act

6 minutes, interrupted numerous times by a rouges gallery of goofs.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Stripping through the Graveyard: The Orgy of the Dead Mega Review, Part 4

What is this?  Read this: Simon Bar "Cinema": Orgy of the Dead

04: The Cat Dance


Black Ghoul Introduction

Too love the cat, is to be the cat!

Ed Wood Crazy Talk Grade: Screw this, Ed's not even trying.  F!

Then Criswell blurts out: A pussycat is born to be whipped!

Ed Wood Crazy Talk Grade: Nice save, B+!

Sexiness

At one point she uses a gravestone as a mock scratching post.  She mimes a cat playing with a yarn ball when removing the costume.  She's got this weird stomach dance move that looks all the world like she's trying to cough up a fur ball (maybe hair from a loose wig?)

I'll be honest with you here, this one's a bit hard to watch.  It's totally embarrassing for her, me, people of the future, cats, sentient computer viruses, used auto parts, and the soul of everybody on the planet.

I'm saying it's probably not very sexy.

Grace

She has the grace and cunning of a cat that's been dead for 6 years.

Closeness to Theme

She's dressed in a cat suit with the boobs and butt cut out.  Ed Wood created furry cosplay decades ago, and not a single piece of credit is given to him.  Frankly, it's shocking!  A true innovator in the science of animals with boobs!

Music

Xylophones and piano.  It's a very jaunty tune, and belongs next to some vaudeville star slipping on a whole bunch of banana peels, and certainly not the gyrations of a cat with boobs.  Again, cat with boobs: an entire subculture owes Ed Wood a lot of props!

Length of Act

Mercifully short at 4 minutes.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Stripping through the Graveyard: The Orgy of the Dead Mega Review, Part 3

What is this?  Read this: Simon Bar "Cinema": Orgy of the Dead

03: The Gold Girl Dance


Black Ghoul Criswell Introduction

I will see for approval the one who worshipped gold above all else!
Throw gold at her!
More gold!
More gold!
More gold!
For all eternity, she shall have gold!

Ed Wood Crazy Talk Grade: A+

Sexiness

One for the ladies, being full of muscled dudes who seem to have stolen the aluminum foil headbands from the Indian Dancer.  Just like the white man!

Watch for the dancing, stay for Criswell howling "more gold!" and then laughing like the cough syrup finally kicked in.

Grace

Her moves consist of the miming the invisible rope pull, miming the invisible moving the couch, and miming the invisible field goal kick.

Closeness to Theme

Gold lamĂ© and silver g-string.  Can you guess the dancers eventual fate?  She becomes gold plated, and one has to say that's the closest were getting to a theme in this cavalcade of dime store costumes!

Music

Xylophones and bongos.  The same things pre-schoolers play during parent-teacher conferences ... and probably better.  Eventually a horn appears and a watered down version of bolero limps in and quickly limps out.  The bongos never leave!

Length of Act

About 10 minutes, punctuated by Criswell laughing like a hyena with a smoking cough.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Stripping through the Graveyard: The Orgy of the Dead Mega Review, Part 2

What is this?  Read this: Simon Bar "Cinema": Orgy of the Dead

02: The Streetwalker Dance


Black Ghoul Introduction

One who prowls the lonely streets at night in life, is bound to prowl them in eternity!

Ed Wood Crazy Talk Grade: D+

Sexiness

The skeleton seemed interested!

Grace

Not bad, though I suspect people don't pull up to her in cars and say "Will you do the Charleston for $20?"

Closeness to Theme

The pink painting smock and blue boa do not scream streetwalker.  I do appreciate the fact that the lower part of the boa seems to be glued to the smock; this is good as she is constantly having to re-adjust the upper part while dancing.

Was there a fight between the stage hands as to who got to glue it on, or did Ed Wood get that plumb job?

Music

Sleazy guitar that sounds like somebody never got past "trucking'" in the Mel Bay method, covered up by even sleazier squak-ier clarinet.  Did I mention the clanging piano?  No?  It's there for when the clarinet guy runs out of squeek.

Length of Act

7 minutes, but it's broken up with the victims crawling around in the bushes and going "What's this?  What is this unworldly show?  Why is her hair the same color as a rusty bucket?"

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Stripping through the Graveyard: The Orgy of the Dead Mega Review, Part 1

What is this?  Read this: Simon Bar "Cinema": Orgy of the Dead

01: The Indian Dance


Black Ghoul Introduction

One who loves flames, her lovers were killed by flames, she died in flames!

Ed Wood Crazy Talk Grade: B-

Sexiness

Less Pocahontas, more Pokemon

Grace

Brave puts ear to ground, listens ... "Many many, stampeding Buffalo."

Closeness to Theme

Last time I checked, Indian maidens didn't wear ballet slippers and aluminum foil headbands, and would it have killed them to match the color of the panties to the slippers and headband?  Ed Wood must have know how to color match!

Music

A lot of "hey-ya hey-ya", it glides pretty close to racially insensitive to both boobs and Native Americans

Length of Act

A little over 3 minutes of embarrassed stomping

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Stripping through the Graveyard: Orgy of the Dead

Written by Ed Wood.  He also held the cue cards.  A rare multi-talent, that guy!


Orgy of the Dead

We're going to do this one a bit different.  As this film is basically an excuse to show a number of stripper acts within a spooky graveyard -- i.e., a badly dressed set full of either fog or the smoke from the camera man's ears -- we're going to separately discuss each stripper.

This was done specifically to stretch out your enjoyment of this review, and is not just a way to stretch out content and re-use the same jokes over and over.  Really.

Our story involves a couple that crashes their car and ends up in some nightmare realm ruled over by the Emperor of the Night, played by Ed Wood's pal Criswell.  A very, very drunk Criswell.

Ed!  The craft cart is out of scotch again!  I can't work in these conditions!

I guess they were on a tight shooting schedule as nobody wanted to give Criswell time to dry out.  It's easy to see the future when one is drunk -- the future is face down on cold tile in a pile of your own puke!

Still, this was a good decision as Criswell slurring through this line:

"It will please me very much to see the slave girl with her tortures!"

... is the best thing ever.  This is next followed by a scene where a man whips a stripper with a fake cloth cat-of-nine-tails very softly.  She reacts with a pathetic moan an average of about 2 seconds after being hit.  Obviously, Criswell's booze-induced time dilation allows him to miss this, because he seems pleased and bellows:

"Torture!  Torture!  It pleasures me!"

I missed the torture, but more power to Criswell.  Luckily, she wasn't tortured so bad as she couldn't go into her strip act.  That's real dedication to craft!

Joining Criswell is the Black Ghoul, originally written for Vampira, but even at this point in her career --- where the forces of "decency" were doing everything they could to destroy her -- she knew a lot better then to appear in this celluloid maw of catastrophe.  This part is instead played by Fawn Silver in a ridiculous wig in a film full of ridiculous wigs.  I know this is supposed to be an unearthly realm, but there is red and blonde hair colors that I believe only came into existence when they created multi-colored peeps.

The Black Ghoul has a hard time staying in character when next to Criswell, almost as hard as Criswell has staying on queue.

Your breath smells like flambé!

Fawn Silver only seems to be in 3 other movies, one of which Haunted Closet reviewed: Terror In the Jungle.  Who would have thought being in an Ed Wood movie would cut your career short?

Next up are our victims, no, not the audience, but these morons:


Notice everybody is staring directly at the red head's rack, yet nobody notices the obvious wig made from cartoon fox hair.  These victims literally do nothing for the entire film, and are saved by Criswell either not having a watch or to drunk to see the hands, and the Black Ghoul's frankly terrible time management skills.  If Criswell says hurry, it doesn't mean dancing with the knife.  It means using the knife!

It's interesting to note that the woman victim is also one of the strippers (as a completely separate character), in a blonde wig made from dried, day-glo painted spaghetti.

Finally, ugh, these guys.  The comedy relief.  Giant hand, paper-mache mummy and grandpa rubber werewolf.


They are kind of like Abbott and Costello, if Abbott was played by a brick and Costello was played by some peat moss.  They add nothing but to remind you that you could be watching a boring strip act but are instead currently watching a boring comedy act.

So, the strippers.  Ed Wood picked them, and I assumed his selection was decided by the ones that let him borrow their sweaters.  We'll rate each on on this scale:
  • Introduction
  • Sexiness
  • Grace
  • Closeness to Theme
  • Music
  • Length of Act
Get ready for a week or two of what I'll be calling "Stripping through the Graveyard: The Orgy of the Dead Mega Review."

The separate reviews below:

01: The Indian Dance
02: The Streetwalker Dance
03: The Gold Girl Dance
04: The Cat Dance
05: The Slave Girl Dance
06: The Mexican Dance
07: The Hawaiian Dance
08: The Skeleton Dance
09: The Zombie Dance
10: The Fluff Dance

    Monday, June 18, 2012

    Criswell's Triumphant Return to the Stage

    Criswell has never really been away, because how can you be away, when I am always in your future?


    Criswell: In the future, men will no longer smoke what you consider "pipes", instead they will smoke from an elaborate system of PVC piping, connected directly to a "smoking machine."  Heating costs will go through the roof!

    Many decades from now, women will woo men by a series of clicking and buzzing sounds.  Men will still use expensive drinks, but these drinks themselves will be buzzing and clicking!

    In times ahead, cars will no longer be used, instead, people will get around on flying boats, and the sky will be called "the great ocean full of much small craft advisories."

    Further into the mists of time, the Black Ghoul will no longer bug me for that paycheck for Orgy of the Dead, and instead shut her bouffanted pie-hole!


    Black Ghoul: Hey!


    Criswell: I also predict, now that it has been mentioned, somebody will be forced to review Orgy of the Dead!



    Simon Bar Sinister: Hey!  Damn it to hell!  That thing doesn't even have a plot ...

    OK, none of them have a plot, point taken.

    Thursday, June 14, 2012

    School's Out!

    With all the young, hot studs idled for summer, I can sense the beginning of a great May-December romance!  May 2012, December 1942!


    There's nothing a restless young hunk needs more than the gentle, guiding hand of an older woman, to show him the ways of love, to tenderly embrace him, and show him the quickest way to pop back in a hip that likes to dislocate during the rough stuff!

    Nothing get's a wolf's heart beating faster than the feel of well worn skin, a little less like corinthian leather and a little more like what'd you find in an egyptian sarcophagus!  Luckily, most of my organs are still squishing around inside me than inside jars!  It's the only a part I can guarantee is still moist!

    Now I know some of you packs of man muscles would like to find a job, and a lot of you spend the summer shucking corn.  Well, you bring the corn, and I'll do the shucking!

    OK, that sounded better on paper.

    Why mess with those young women?  Get a woman who knows what she wants, or at least remembers in-between her bouts of dementia, and what I want is ... wait ... did I lock the door?  Where's the cat?  My cat likes sticks.  Cupcakes!

    Tuesday, June 12, 2012

    Mr. Peevly's State of the Blog Update

    Mr. Peevly, with the current state of the blog.


    It seems we're starting to get some hits from google searches.  I always welcome such traffic, and hopefully we can make some fans and entertain some people who are either old enough to remember this stuff (read: older than dirt) or have the TV stuck on Boomerang and lost the remote.

    Hey, let's check to see what we have today.  Hmmm.  OK.  Wait, what's this one ...

    HITLER GLOVES?

    Hitler gloves?  Hitler gloves!  What's next, Tojo Spats?  Mussolini Galoshes?

    I'm not kidding.  That search term actually lead somebody here.  Internet, everybody!

    Monday, June 11, 2012

    Sadomasicist Nurse Business Blunder

    Sadomasicist Nurse: My nursing work has been drying up lately.


    Sadomasicist Nurse: The administrators of the hospital I work for -- well, used to work for -- have told me that I've failed to grasp the concept that a hospital is for making people feel better.  Feel better?  What a strange concept!  I told those administrators that I'd like to administrate some pain on them, and then they punched me in the face and threw me out on my china-white tuccus.

    This is not at all what I meant, and my butt hurts!

    So, I'm starting my own business, called "Beatings for a Buck."


    Big Brian Wonder Woman: I must intrude on this conversational creation of a new independent business venture.  I must forcibly interject that for one dollar your cost/profit ratio will be heavily slanted towards ...


    Sadomasicist Nurse: Shut up!

    Never has a low volume blog been populated with such annoying characters!

    Anyway, I already have some clients lined up!


    Henchmen: Wow-ee, boss, she's got much prettier lips than you!



    Big Brian Wonder Woman: Let me point out that you were given sufficient warning!


    Sadomasicist Nurse: Shut up!

    Wednesday, June 6, 2012

    Mr. Jinks Wants in on the Bikini Action

    Like, the bikini movie reviews are, ya know, a hit, so like, here's my top 10 bikini movies with their catch phrases!


    Top 10 Bikini Movie Catch Phrases

    10. Bikini Sale: Half Off for half the movie!
    9. Bikini Atoll: So hot it's radioactive!
    8. Bikini Racist Indian: No pale "faces" here, all tanned!
    7. Bikini Bikini: Contains: Bikinis!
    6. Bionic Bikini: Adventures in the Bikini Zone!
    5. BBQ Bikini: Grease splatter scars never looked so sexy!
    4. Bikini Bikini, the Sequel: Electric Boob-a-loo!
    3. Bikini Hot Dog Stand: We've got steamed buns!
    2. Capt'n Bikini, Hot Wench of the Garbage Scow: We've ran out of ideas, but hey, boobs!
    1. Yakety Sax Bikini: Pretend it's a 90 minute Benny Hill skit!

    Saturday, June 2, 2012

    Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 5

    They're hot!  They're Single!  They're Attractive!  We are moderately sure they are ladies!


    Here's a little information about myself.  I like pretty flowers, ponies, kitties (the fluffier, the better), long, star-lit walks on the beach where I take a man's hand to rip the soul from his body as we begin our journey to the land of still corpses, his s ... wait, got off track there.  And puppies!  I love puppies!

    Ignore that other stuff.

    I'm a great, fun loving gal, who loves life, not taking it, not draining your sweet essence and pouring it into the empty chasm that is my black soul.  I swear!  You can hang out with me!  You can especially hang out in a place with no witnesses!  I love life.  Yours, especially.  Did that sound sinister?  Honestly, I didn't mean it that way!

    Let's start over again.

    Kittens.  Puppies.  My deadly touch draining the your remains years into elixir for the terrifying beast who roams the neither zones of this universe.  Flowers!  Wait, did I say puppies?  I said puppies, right?  Not something else that might seem evil.  OK, good!

    I think we got off on the wrong foot.  No, not the one in the grave!  Damn!  I'm not good at this!