Criswell Once Again Peers into the Future!

Welcome back both seekers of knowledge and that fabulous boy who brings me my martini!  It's time for my vast precognitive skills to bring you a glimpse of the future!

Item: A great quake will split the Hollywood sign in half, leaving only the "wood."  Many 15 year old boys will titer greatly.

Item: Sandwiches will no longer be known as a type of food, but a new type of entertainment where two sexy Wiccans wrestle in a sand box.

Item: Presidential elections will no longer be decided by voting, as this has been outlawed by the Parrot Men who take over earth in 2072.  It will instead be decided by dressing up the candidates as crackers while screeching 'Polly want a president' at the top of their lungs, and seeing which candidate the Giant Super Parrot decides not to eat.

Item: Blow-up dolls become all the range; most men in future go from blue-balled to red-faced.

Item: The development of upper-lip Rogaine and Disco's stealth return through dubstep will be completed in 2016, leading to a re-union of the Village People with even more ridiculous mustaches.

Criswell's Triumphant Return to the Stage

Criswell has never really been away, because how can you be away, when I am always in your future?

Criswell: In the future, men will no longer smoke what you consider "pipes", instead they will smoke from an elaborate system of PVC piping, connected directly to a "smoking machine."  Heating costs will go through the roof!

Many decades from now, women will woo men by a series of clicking and buzzing sounds.  Men will still use expensive drinks, but these drinks themselves will be buzzing and clicking!

In times ahead, cars will no longer be used, instead, people will get around on flying boats, and the sky will be called "the great ocean full of much small craft advisories."

Further into the mists of time, the Black Ghoul will no longer bug me for that paycheck for Orgy of the Dead, and instead shut her bouffanted pie-hole!

Black Ghoul: Hey!

Criswell: I also predict, now that it has been mentioned, somebody will be forced to review Orgy of the Dead!

Simon Bar Sinister: Hey!  Damn it to hell!  That thing doesn't even have a plot ...

OK, none of them have a plot, point taken.

More Criswell Predicts

Criswell predicts the future, which is important, because the future is where all of us will live ... in the future!

In times far ahead, men will no longer woo women with flowers and candy, but with a trained, genetically-engineered, bellowing flower-candy bear!  If the woman does not like the suitor, the bear shall turn on him and eat him whole!

In days to come, index cards will actually be indexed!

Soon, we will no longer require cars as the "rocket racer" roller-skating technology predicts in the 70s Spider-man comic books is finally invented!

In times ahead, squirrels shall evolve to be 15 feet tall.  They will not take kindly to anti-squirrel bird feeder technology and will go completely mental if they see one of those crazy corn feeders that spin the squirrels around.  Many old ladies will pay dearly for their amusement!

In the future, certain actors promise to stop showing up to work drunk.  Cross my heart!

Also, certainly smarty-pants blog authors might get a punch in the snout.

In the future, the only remaining sweet drink flavor shall be a nice blend of apples and oranges ... after being squeezed through a radioactive future mutant!

The future!

Criswell Predicts

Criswell, seer of all, reports from the distance future!

Many years from now, men shall no longer speak, but communicate through snappy show tunes!  "Miriam the Librarian" shall mean "Where is the nearest subway?"

There shall be great cities built on Mars .... by space porcupines!

In the future, people will no longer refer to their favorite fast food restaurant by it's real name, but shall instead use special future names, like "Taco Smell" and "Booger King."

In the future, many things we know now will be referred to as "ancient history" .... by space porcupines!

After a time, humans will no longer have a big toe; instead, they will have one enormous toenail shaped exactly like the missing toe!

Rising sea levels will force humanity to grow a new organ that resembles and functions the same as a horse-shaped flotation device!

Computers will no longer be programmed by humans, but will instead be programmed by dogs!  The only software that will be writen is:

10 print "snausages"
20 goto 10

Soon, bouffants shall make a comeback ... but only out of back hair ... of space porcupines!

And The Black Ghoul Responds:

Wait, you said you got me this bouffant at the store!