Criswell predicts the future, which is important, because the future is where all of us will live ... in the future!
In times far ahead, men will no longer woo women with flowers and candy, but with a trained, genetically-engineered, bellowing flower-candy bear! If the woman does not like the suitor, the bear shall turn on him and eat him whole!
In days to come, index cards will actually be indexed!
Soon, we will no longer require cars as the "rocket racer" roller-skating technology predicts in the 70s Spider-man comic books is finally invented!
In times ahead, squirrels shall evolve to be 15 feet tall. They will not take kindly to anti-squirrel bird feeder technology and will go completely mental if they see one of those crazy corn feeders that spin the squirrels around. Many old ladies will pay dearly for their amusement!
In the future, certain actors promise to stop showing up to work drunk. Cross my heart!
Also, certainly smarty-pants blog authors might get a punch in the snout.
In the future, the only remaining sweet drink flavor shall be a nice blend of apples and oranges ... after being squeezed through a radioactive future mutant!