Sunday, April 28, 2013

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 4

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

After the awesome appearance of the beast, the director wisely decides to slow down the movie with endless footage of hearse parking, gurney unloading, gurney traveling to crime site, body loading, gurney making a return trip, and gurney loading.

All interspaced with lots of naked chicks saying things like "I heard there's a body" and "let's go see the body" and "Melissa, who does your butt bronzer, it's so cute, I just must know!"

Careful ... careful ... you might hit the invisible cars.

I think at this point we need to try something a little different as the beast has gone AWOL and it's getting a bit hard to come up with comedy that's not pun-related.  So, we present:

Welcome to the Parade of Horrorables
First Annual
Nudist Discuss the Important Issues of the Day
Blog Post

Let's look in on some conversation about the important topics that have an impact on ourselves, our communities, and our potential viewing of boobs.

Red Head: Did you know that E=mc^2 only counts for bodies at rest?
Black Hair: Of course, the correct equation for bodies in motion is E^2=(mc^2)^2 + (cp)^2.

I find this painting the most fascinating piece in the museum.  The artist used the medium of matted blue hair to convey the existential anguish of being Henry McCoy, and having to choose between Professor Xavier's ideas and the renegade Scott Summers.

I call this meeting of Mensa to order.  First up, we'll calculate the exact weight of our breasts by modeling the complex surface area and decomposing it into simpler solids who's composition will determine the overall weight.

Left: I've done it, I've finally broken the energy efficiency problem with solar panels!
Center: Ah, I've seen what you've done, you've used alternating colors to channel specific wavelengths of light to create an effect that raises the ability of the solar cells to convert the photons to energy!
Right: I have pretty hair!

It's nice that they installed a refreshing soda machine next to pink Stonehenge.

Thank you.
This series will return the next time
the blog author runs out of nude lady jokes.

Well, we know she died in terror...

The body of our unfortunate ape and fashion victim is carted away, and The Beast That Killed Women rumbles on like a runaway toy train down a very gentle slope.

While Dracula has garlic, it seems our beast is frightened of naked hotties, which means we've got a ways to go before we see him again.  This is either an extremely good thing or an extremely bad thing.  You'll be the judge when we get to part 82.

Keep going: Part 5

Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 3

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

The movie is beginning to build up to an orgy of blood and mayhem as the beast makes his fearsome appearance!  Also included with that orgy is an orgy of bad pants decisions, male spare tires, and enough fake tiki crap to fill a luau lounge located conveniently right off the interstate.  Next to the Stuckey's.

It's not a 60s nudie cutie feature if there's isn't one woman with high heels at the beach.

"Sure I'll be in your movie, if I get a featured dance!"

Here we get an extended dance number by the fire and clearly lit by a giant lamp behind the camera.  It's as if the director didn't care a wit about nearly anything except endless phone/boob scenes.

This, though, gives us a background for which the beast can finally make his appearance.  Grid your loins, here he comes:

Beast no like plastic foliage!  Remind beast of Pier 1!

Let's give the crew a break -- the whole budget was used up on sun tan lotion and penicillin -- there really wasn't a lot left over for the ape costume.

The beast found my blow-up woman with bonus mouth orifice!

This woman screams as at first sight of the beast, or after she's read another page of the script, or after she's seen her wardrobe for the day.  This beautifully awful, neon-colored smock looks less like something a sexy nudist would wear and more like an outfit for a grade school production of Peter Pan.

The Christmas ornament on her left breast is a nice touch.  Merry Christmas!  Here's you children's construction paper shirt!

The beast grabs our hot mess and carries her off to her eventually fate.  Hopefully the mortician has a better fashion sense.

Purple and gold pants make beast angry!

One strange thing: the ape noises sound exactly like how an 8 year old might imitate an elephant.  It shows some guts on the part of the director to not go for the obvious sound effect, and instead go to the wildly inaccurate and wholly idiotic sound effect.

Our woman makes a break for it, only to be tracked down by our beast and in a howl of random animal noises, not a single one gorilla related, kills her dead.  The purple pants, sadly, live on.  They can not die, for they have never really lived.

Now this is what nudist really look like!

In the morning a couple nudist stumble over our first victim, right after they had stumbled over a box of donuts and a complete meal at Uncle Bob's Cake Emporium and Bacon Buffet (open on Sunday).  The man runs, the woman screams, and I'm pretty worried that we are a third into this movie and the director ran out of pretty people.

At least we have the beast!  Oh mighty beast, killer of female nudist, please rain your bounty down upon us!  Or, just fade back into the background so we can have another 20 minutes of nude footage.  Whatever you feel like.  Up to you and your ill fitting ape costume!

Onward, part 4.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 2

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

Continuing on with our examination of The Beast That Killed Women.  In this segment, the excitement grows ... when will the beast strike?  Is he lurking just off camera?  Is he behind a tree?  Can 20 minutes of fake nudist camp footage ratchet up the suspense?

The Donner party was a lot sexier than history taught us!

No, no it can't.

What is entertaining is seeing how badly people who aren't trained actors walk when the camera is on them.  The first couple minutes is a parade of hotties walking back and forth across this tree.  Not a single one walks in the way normal humans walk.  Is as if the struts holding up their hair has transitioned to their joints.

They walk about as well as my 10 year old self motivated his Mego Marvel action figures.  In a word, not very good.  It's a bit sexier in the movie, though.  Iron Man was cool breaking through many a lincoln log wall, but he was never sexy.

Well, once he was.  Long story.

Who is this?  Mary Tyler Moore?  You say you want your haircut back?

.... and another phone scene.  Nothing makes naked chicks sexier than taking a phone call from a disorganized desk.

Is that lamp on the right make of old film canisters?

This cinder block wall will keep nature out!

Here we see that bullying can even happens at your local nudist camp.  Some bully went to the bother of constructing a cinder block wall just so they could toss the women's towels up there.  Nothing says dedication to the craft of bullying then heavy construction labor.

There's no other explanation for this scene.  The director is taking time out to show how bullying can be detrimental in any environment, no matter how laid back.  It's a real statement, and a brave one, to be inserted into a movie that is basically just an excuse to show T&A.

Oh, and the jiggling.  Probably just an unexpected side effect.  Statement!  Bravo, director!

Jackie Kennedy, no!  This movie is beneath you!

And now, this blog presents, the worse acting ever.  It's a conversation which sounds like it was created using speech synthesis software on an Apple ][, where both women look at everything other than the person they are supposedly talking too, and the lines sounds like nothing that has ever been said by a human, humaniod, or Mugato.

And where are they?  The wall is made of blood, there seems to be an upright gurney behind them, and the green safety door to the nuclear power plant is to the right.  The chairs are from the Buck Rogers in the 25th Century collection, and the table looks to be made of lamented bread.

Nice pants, though!

I might need to get this scene on a loop ... for research.

So, here's where I posit a very important question:

Is there a damn beast that kills women in this movie???

Because I haven't seen one, but I have just watched a 3 minute scene involving bunk bed picking.  In the next segment, things had better start looking up!

Coming up next: They don't. Part 3

Monday, April 22, 2013

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 1

Do you like guys in ill fitting ape suits?  Do you like naked chicks?  Were you always rooting for Mario to fail and Donkey Kong to ... er, "get" ... Pauline?  Do you wish for all these together?  Have you drawn pictures of these scenarios in crayons?  If so, please seek professional help, hopefully the kind that can get you into a nice, comfy straight jacket.

For those of you that are still around, it's another exhaustive movie review, this time of the nudist camp/monster mash up, The Beast that Killed Women.

The same beast that soiled the rug.

Directed by shlock master Barry Mahon and full of a cast of people who seem absolutely stunned by the concept of acting, The Beast That Killed Women is the heartwarming story of a beast that menaces a couple of nudist, along with hours upon hours of nudist camp footage where the men keep their shorts on and the women are way to pretty to be actual nudists (a blanket statement that is sure to generate hate mail, but luckily nobody reads my babbling so I'm pretty well protected.)

But before we get to the good stuff (boobs) we have to get to the bad stuff (plot), or what passes for a plot in these parts.

The good old days when you could smoke in your barren set hospital room.

Yes, the movie uses the flashback device.  It seems something horrible has happened to our hero, and it's not having to stare at the cop's green and brown hypno-jacket.  Something so horrible that they had to isolate his hospital bed in a badly lit limbo.

He goes on to explain how he and his wife are nudist.  Hey, Barry, show, don't tell.

Add a little white and she'll be patriotic!

There we go.  I would say that my small naked women demographic is disappointed and my even smaller Star Trek demographic is oddly aroused.

I'm really confused by 60s shorts.  How is it possible to make tight shorts so utterly unappealing?  It's as if the 60's short producing technology was lost in the 70s, sucked into a giant vortex of crap with all the gold chains and hairy chests.  The shorts in the 60s seem to defy all logic of fashion and sexiness.  As if they were designed by vengeful blind eunuchs.

Somebody is either over-dressed or under-dressed.

The woman is our hero's wife, and no, the central mystery of the movie isn't how a bland guy in extremely tight white pants (check if it's labor day!) gets a woman like that, but it should be, because the ape costume is really, really awful.

She suggested they should go to the nudist colony.  He looks up at the almost pitch black sky and says "sure, looks like a beautiful day."  Remember, shooting schedules are the law!

Nobody mention that guy's terrible lower hunchback.

We suddenly switch gears to another bland guy and another hot woman -- pretty much a horizontal movement in my book.  The guy has an accent that sounds like rusty ball bearings banging around in a dryer.  She gets a call from our first couple, and everybody decides to go the nudist camp and be extremely bland there.

Will the next post feature more nudity?  Will there be an ape?  Will we solve the mystery of the shorts, or at least ritually burn them so they may never be recreated in the future?  Probably.  Will there be a strange Gilligan's Island vibe?  Certainly.

Next: Part 2

Thursday, April 18, 2013

It's a White Off!

Sadomasicist Nurse: Your alabaster mistress is back from a long absence!

Sadomasicist Nurse: Actually, I was trapped for a couple of weeks under a camping supply avalanche in aisle 5 at my local Target -- but -- it just kept me out of the sun longer, and now I am the whitest of the white!

Greta Ghoul: Hold it right there missy!  Next to me, you're nearly pearl.  That's right.  I would dare to say eggshell, even!

Sadomasicist Nurse: I would respond, but all I see when I look in the direction of that husky voice is a big, swirling black hole.  If somebody at the paint store put up the digital color detector, it would read "a region of space-time with gravity so intense that not even light can escape."

Greta Ghoul: Off-white bitch!

Sadomasicist Nurse: Feel the cold bed-pan of my chalky wrath!


Important Editors Note:
This seemed funny to me when I thought of it.  No kidding.  I'm as surprised as you.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Nautical Nudes

For some poor furshlugginer (thanks, Mad!) guy in the 60s, the best chance to see nude women in motion was the shorts played at drive-ins before the main exploitation films.  What you'd expected was wall-to-wall T&A, but what you'd sometimes get was wall-to-wall telephone scenes.

Guess what you're getting here?

It's nice the other ladies invited the living Kewpie Doll.

Here's our lovely nautical nudes and our equally lovely director who faces one of the models directly into the sun.  Did I say director?  I might have meant a half-blind grinder monkey with a camera.

One is wearing a blouse that looks like a microscope slide of the bubonic plague, next to her is one wearing a shirt once mauled by a bear, and the last one didn't get the memo about horizontal stripes aren't slimming, but did get the one about savagely tight white pants having a slimming effect -- mostly as it's impossible to eat in them.

No one will be seated during the riveting telephone scene!

Our hot chicks want to go out for a cruise on a friend's boat, so they call him up.  Already our audience is getting pretty restless as there hasn't been a single nautical naked moment yet.  We could cut this scene and not one guy -- crouched down in their car, pants at the ready -- would question how this boat negotiation was accomplished.

This room's wallpaper is from the Racist Claptrap To Adorn your Trailer collection.

Crunchatize me, Capt'n!

Our cameraman knows just how to capture beautiful women in their most alluring poses.  Great care was taken to get the lighting right and -- for all that's good and holy -- not show hair that looks like a poodle rubbed up against a balloon.  It's almost as if the TV antenna was part of a vandergraph generator. 

Note to modern kids:  Google "antenna."  They did exist.  And probably "vangergraph generator" while you're at it.

Not panties -- that woman has a terrible butt varicose vein problem.

It takes a skilled cameraman to catch just the right angle to make a 20-something nude model look like she has 3 chins.

Our beauties are changing into their bikinis to get ready for our exciting boat ride.  This is a bit of a tease as the nudity is quick and we are again assaulted by scenes of walking to a boat, climbing into a boat, removing the mooring line, barnacle scraping, mobster cement shoe operations, crabbing, beating our heads on dock pilings, and other various nautical pastimes that aren't related to nudity.

I wonder how the ladies feel about this?

Left: Bored, Middle: Petulant, Right: Sucking in the stomach.

The ladies don't feel well at all about this.  Seems the captain is a creep, and they just want to get a tan and he just keeps asking them to "party."  They politely refuse, and he politely whines.

How could they turn down this poor captain?

Working on making this the new derp meme.


The eyes read "date rape drug" but the smile reads "serial killer."

Nothing helps develop a tan more than lightly gray skies.

After patiently waiting, our audience is once again given nautical nudes, except this is after 3 minutes of creepy guy whining about a party, so if you can still be excited, I don't think seeing naked chicks is your major drive in life.  I think dismembering the one in your cellar might be.

Our ladies manage to get a tan and trick our lecherous captain who certainly goes home with blue dinghies (comedy gold!) and our ladies narrowly escape becoming an hour show on the Investigative Discovery channel.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Internet Has Forced My Hand

After seeing how my post on the 80s Eurometal band Grim Reaper ended up cutting my hits in half (who would have thunk it???), I've decide that there is nothing left to do except throw away all my morals, questionable good taste, and my leather chaps, and go directly to what the internet wants.

Cat pictures.

Remember: You made me do this.

Alright, that didn't work.  Is it possible I didn't find a cute enough cat?  This blogging stuff is such a mystery!

Well, I guess it's back to 60s porn.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Bardos Metal Mania: Grim Reaper: Rock You To Hell

As the devil is wont, let's play another mind game.  Imagine that you're a European melodic metal band with fantasy overtones.  You name your band Grim Reaper and every third song you release has the word "hell" in the title.  You need to create a video for a song called Rock You to Hell, which is mysteriously not about hell, trolls, warlocks, or if Aqua Net is better than industrial strength wood lacquer.  What will be the imagery in your video?  If you said "chicks in prison where the janitor is a dollar-store version of the Toxic Avenger," then congratulations, you're a dope.

Grim Reaper
Rock You To Hell

A Bad Way to Start Your Video


There's a lot of sex and fantasy in metal videos, so it's best not to start your video with an image like this -- your singer twisting his face into his best impression of a very sick cat attempting to dislodge a tuna-infused hairball.

Also bad: looking all the world like what Ozzy Osbourne's corpse would look like if it was bloated up with alcoholic eels.

Why Prison Doesn't Seem So Bad

The hair says 80s, the high-waisted jeans says really, really 80s.

They let you keep the mom jeans and nobody takes away the hair spray.  A couple bitches got cut when somebody sharpened the end of their brush, but that's what happens in Glamour Prison™.

Film Students Demand More Imagery

No punching below the belt ... wait ... no, that's OK!

The video has shots of the band, shots of the prison, some weird grenade segue, a couple quick cuts of this wrestling, ladies in t-shirts, the singer in a straight jacket, some woman in high heels, etc, etc, ad nauseam.

It's like somebody in the band went to Art College, took Art 101, and majored in Art for Art's Sake, and who's professor was named Art McArty.  There's so much going on and very little tying it together save for lots and lots of hair.

I think that to the band this meant something; it resonated with the lyrics, it conveyed a story, and it brought a visual flair to the music.  On the other hand, the band named themselves Grim Reaper, so somebody probably just suggested this after getting baked while watching Caged Heat.

Bass Players Never Listen

So that's what Cousin It looks like when you part his hair!

Hey, bass guy.  We sent around a memo before the shoot.  We're Grim Friggin' Reaper.  We all wear black.  We are filming in a gray prison.  We want to bring out the dirty, grimy, and dark feel of this song.  We had one request:

Please leave the lime green bass at home.

And then he shows up with it.  And he wonders why he's always the guy that has to fetch the donuts during rehearsal.

The Required Great Pair of Legs

Look at the art!  Reflections!  Shadows!  Hot Mammas!

After the great ZZ Top debacle of '82, in which a couple metal bands found that they shared groupies with ZZ Top when they discovered long bear hair getting tangled into their big hair, an agreement was reached where ZZ Top would give a list of groupies to avoid, and for that information, the metal bands would always include a woman with nice legs walking down a corridor.

This agreement lasted until the You were with Coverdale???? debacle of the late 80s.

Trauma Calls the Lawyers

What happened to anybody sharing a Coverdale groupie.

Lastly in our spin-the-wheel random image rodeo, it's a very Toxic Avenger like creature, who is also a janitor, and plays no other part in the festivities.  It could be a nod to Trauma Studios, it could be just a rip-off, or it could carry some deep, personal meaning wrapped in a terrific metaphor.

Than again, Grim Reaper: Rock You To Hell.

So probably not.

Friday, April 5, 2013

A Close Shave(r)

Today is my friend Shaver's birthday.  So I sent him my usual -- a completely inoffensive -- and utterly innocent -- text:

My thought?  Everybody does the women popping out of the cake.  Nobody does blog mascot Spooey popping out of a women popping out of a cake.  Probably for good reason.

So, for Shaver's birthday, I'm bringing up an oldie.  Many decades ago, Shaver and I worked at the same company in Kalamazoo.  In my space was a dry-erase board, to which I usually scrawled Top 10 Lists.  Looking back at a compilation of these list, Shaver remarked how mean some of them were, and how surprising it was they remained up on my dry-erase board without anybody complaining.

I think they just got used to my antics and ignored me.  One of these lists Shaver dubbed "The Winner of the Nasty List Hall of Fame."  For good reason.  I apologize before hand, as I should.

Some background: Brenda and Terri were co-workers and Hot 'n Now was a (now defunct) Kalamazoo burger joint that specialized in super cheap burgers.

Here we go...

Top 10 things alike about Brenda, Terri and Hot 'n Now

10. Brenda and Terri have blonde hair, can usually find hair in your Double Deluxe
9. Brenda and Terri's IQ equals current number of Hot 'n Now locations
8. Brenda layers hair spray, Terri layers make-up, Hot 'n Now layers grease
7. All three come cheap around lunchtime
6. Brenda and Terri's misuse of hair spray helps destroy ozone layer, ultra-violet rays kill as many cows as Hot 'n Now
5. All three have some kind of drive-through service
4. Both Brenda and Terri date, Hot 'n Now uses dated meat
3. All three have been in magazines: Terri in "Playboy," Brenda in "Soldier of Fortune," and Hot 'n Now in "Gristle Weekly"
2. All three pander to people who really care about "quality"
1. The words "Hot" and "Now" have been used continuously around all three

Happy Birthday, Shaver!  Sorry, Brenda and Terri!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 12

More single ladies looking for you to ask them out to a romantic date in the woods, mostly because digging a human-sized hole goes faster with two people.

Suzy Jailbird.  "Bird," not "bait".  This is very important.  Don't make that mistake.

Looking for:
A man who has the keys to her heart, and hopefully the keys to a cell door.

Also, a man with enough tenderness ... in certain regions ... who might be able to sneak a couple things in by placing them ... in ... an orifice ... or two.  Or three.  Might need to be partially disassembled.  Not the orifice.

Perfect Date:
Holding hands through the bars while bathing in the warming light of the burning slum tenement that contained the apartment of that damned stool pigeon.

Special Word from Our Lovely Lady
I'm the kind of woman that loves a man enough to hold on to him tight!  If you are going to be my man, you can be sure I'll be loyal, and you can also be sure that if I catch you with that little tramp at that greasy spoon diner, you'll be contributing to my next 10-to-20 when they find your genetial-less corpse in a shallow grave in the desert.