Sunday, April 14, 2013

Nautical Nudes

For some poor furshlugginer (thanks, Mad!) guy in the 60s, the best chance to see nude women in motion was the shorts played at drive-ins before the main exploitation films.  What you'd expected was wall-to-wall T&A, but what you'd sometimes get was wall-to-wall telephone scenes.

Guess what you're getting here?

It's nice the other ladies invited the living Kewpie Doll.

Here's our lovely nautical nudes and our equally lovely director who faces one of the models directly into the sun.  Did I say director?  I might have meant a half-blind grinder monkey with a camera.

One is wearing a blouse that looks like a microscope slide of the bubonic plague, next to her is one wearing a shirt once mauled by a bear, and the last one didn't get the memo about horizontal stripes aren't slimming, but did get the one about savagely tight white pants having a slimming effect -- mostly as it's impossible to eat in them.

No one will be seated during the riveting telephone scene!

Our hot chicks want to go out for a cruise on a friend's boat, so they call him up.  Already our audience is getting pretty restless as there hasn't been a single nautical naked moment yet.  We could cut this scene and not one guy -- crouched down in their car, pants at the ready -- would question how this boat negotiation was accomplished.

This room's wallpaper is from the Racist Claptrap To Adorn your Trailer collection.

Crunchatize me, Capt'n!

Our cameraman knows just how to capture beautiful women in their most alluring poses.  Great care was taken to get the lighting right and -- for all that's good and holy -- not show hair that looks like a poodle rubbed up against a balloon.  It's almost as if the TV antenna was part of a vandergraph generator. 

Note to modern kids:  Google "antenna."  They did exist.  And probably "vangergraph generator" while you're at it.

Not panties -- that woman has a terrible butt varicose vein problem.

It takes a skilled cameraman to catch just the right angle to make a 20-something nude model look like she has 3 chins.

Our beauties are changing into their bikinis to get ready for our exciting boat ride.  This is a bit of a tease as the nudity is quick and we are again assaulted by scenes of walking to a boat, climbing into a boat, removing the mooring line, barnacle scraping, mobster cement shoe operations, crabbing, beating our heads on dock pilings, and other various nautical pastimes that aren't related to nudity.

I wonder how the ladies feel about this?

Left: Bored, Middle: Petulant, Right: Sucking in the stomach.

The ladies don't feel well at all about this.  Seems the captain is a creep, and they just want to get a tan and he just keeps asking them to "party."  They politely refuse, and he politely whines.

How could they turn down this poor captain?

Working on making this the new derp meme.


The eyes read "date rape drug" but the smile reads "serial killer."

Nothing helps develop a tan more than lightly gray skies.

After patiently waiting, our audience is once again given nautical nudes, except this is after 3 minutes of creepy guy whining about a party, so if you can still be excited, I don't think seeing naked chicks is your major drive in life.  I think dismembering the one in your cellar might be.

Our ladies manage to get a tan and trick our lecherous captain who certainly goes home with blue dinghies (comedy gold!) and our ladies narrowly escape becoming an hour show on the Investigative Discovery channel.

No comments: