Thursday, May 31, 2012

Hordak Celebrates Memorial Day

Hordak: While Hordak choses to celebrates holidays, Hordak does not give his employees any time off work for them, but Hordak does give employees 5% off any purchase from the lobby vending machines!

Hordak: Hordak would like to remember all the fallen soliders in Hordak's army of evil.  Wether they were cut in half by She-Ra's sword, crushed under that cheap repeating boulder animation, or just put to death for not turning in their quarterly reports on time, these heroes deserve mention.

There's the guy with the crazy eye stalks.  The hairy guy.  The, er, big muscle guy.  Stinkor?  Was he one of mine?  Hordak would look them up but that means he'd have an employee file, and that means possibly giving out benefits, and that's just not something a captain of industry like Hordak is willing to do.

What, 5% off twix isn't good enough?

Hordak would like to give special thanks to Shadow Weaver and her two ... wonderful ... skills.  If there is anything more American than Memorial Day, it's baseball, and if there's anything more known about baseball, it's second base, which is something I get to every time I pass her in a tight hallway.

Shadow Weaver: !!!!!!!

Hordak: Hordak would like to also remind folks that this is a day for our fallen heroes, not a day to launch another ill-timed sexual harassment lawsuit.  Hordak is already fighting enough of those!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema": Bikini Hoe-Down

Uh oh -- looks like them Duke boys got themselves into a heap of a mess of boobs!  How will they get out of this one?  Y'all come back now, ya'hear!

Bikini Hoe-Down

Recipe for boredom:
  • Take one Dukes of Hazzard rip-off
  • Add T&A that isn't attached to Catherine Bach
  • Hire composer that thinks synthesized flutes and ye-haws counts as hillbilly music
  • Actually name your dirty sheriff Roscoe and your two bumbling hillbillies "Joe Bob" and "Bob Bob"
  • Mix in broad ethnic or cultural stereotypes
Set oven to "why did I watch this?" and in one hour and 30 minutes you'll have a heaping, steaming pile of garbage to choke down!

Bikini Hoe-Down sets the tone quickly with the first soft-core scene at less than 2 minutes into the movie.  This stands as the new record, right next to this movie's other record: the fastest I regretted hitting "play" which comes in at 3 seconds.

The action really starts when we get to cliche-ville:

I've seen a couple of photoshops in my days and this definitely looks 'shopped!

Oddly enough, most of the action takes place in "Ghostly Gulch", which is supposed to be haunted by a ghost but it turns out to be just this guy:

What is it with these bikini movies and racists depictions of Native Americans?  The Great Bikini Off Road Adventure did it, and anything worth doing once is worth overdoing to the point where the Go-Go Gophers want to end it all by throwing themselves down Klondike Kat's gullet.

I want to point out that this characters name is Crazy Joe and his entire arc in the film is drinking fire water, going crazy, and stealing white people's stuff.

... and they think he's a ghost ... and he's really just a dude named Otis ... and he magically fixes all the plot threads in the last 30 seconds of the movie.  Where's the Pet Cemetery type vengeance when you need it?

Did anybody sleep on any of these decisions?  I mean, outside of how they got cast?

The heroines of our film are the "three season" bikini girls and a feisty hillbilly chick, who even though she's never been party to any plumbing advances since 1890, managed to find the best breast enhancement surgeon in the Ozarks.

I've listed their names the best I can remember them.  I just saw this thing 5 minutes ago and either this movie or the pummeling Under Dog gave me this afternoon has really damaged my short term memory!

Other characters not shown: who cares?

This might seem like damning with faint praise -- and believe me, my #1 choice was damning with a rain of hell fire -- but this movie has a pretty complex plot.  Sure, it boils down the same as always: evil corporate guy tries to take family farm/business, saved by bikinis ... but there's a lot of additional plot threads.  Not additional good or necessary plot threads, but certainly more.

This isn't even counting the bizarre sub-plots, like the hippie who secretly loves the hillbilly and is painting a picture of her.  It's the longest running and most predictable joke -- yes, the picture will turn out horrible!  We know!  Stop fake painting it!  Go back to the old guy drinking moonshine, or the bumpkins that deliver it in milk jugs with "100% shine" written on it, or the Sheriff and his teddy bear, or the same two cars chasing each other down the same road.  I'll even take the chicken stealing!

Did I say a lot went on?  I haven't even scratched the surface and I'll avoiding doing that as breaking the skin of this movie might give me a staph infection.

The name of the villain is Snively, but in this movie everybody says Snidely, as in Snidely Whiplash.  With a name like Snively, what other career opportunities do you have open to you?  Evil deed-grabbing-nuclear-waste-dumping banker is all you've got.

Out of all these movies, this one actually had a bit I liked.  It was an extended sequence of our cast being knocked down by goats and some pretty testy sheep.  Do I have a new predilection forming?  If so, some producer is getting the bill for my therapy session!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Revenge of the Cursed Spook

Revenge is a dish best served cold ... the cold of the grave!

Spook: Honestly, I need to pause here from the cursing and the spooking.  Sometimes, the best laid plans of men, mice, comedy blog writers, and spooks just don't work out.  For instance, I had some free time from cursing and I thought I might try my vaporous hands more on the spooking side.

It should be easy, right?

Wait until some woman is about ready to take a shower, creep through the wall, and go boo.

It turns out some woman like it.

Grandma: Don't pull back the curtains if you don't want to see a show!  While this show might be a bit well worn, it's certainly hasn't been worn well .... yet!

Spook: I have lived for an eternity, constantly rising from my molding grave to frighten mortals.  I think I'll need another eternity to erase that image from the back of my ghostly eyes!  Really, tell me, is there a reason for that many luffas?

On second thought, don't tell me.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Mammoth Car Redux

Boss: Hopefully there'll be no more trouble this time!

Boss: After that last incident, I want you to be on your best behavior!

Henchmen: Sure boss, no problem!  That last time sucked!

Boss: Just remember, the Mammoth car is very hard to control.  Any distraction, no matter how small, no matter how insignificant it might seem, will cause a disaster!  So, whatever you do, be careful and don't do anything distracting!

Henchmen: Sure boss .... .... ... Hmmm.  Hum de dum.  Uh.  Hmmmm.  Uh ... .... uh ... Boss?

Boss: YES????

Henchmen: You sure have pretty lips!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 4

These ladies are waiting for you to call!  What's the hold up?  You know what a phone is, right?  It's that thing you kids play Angry Dig Dug or whatever on.  Call!  Some of these ladies won't last long!

I'm looking for a man that can stand the burning fires of passion!  A man who loves the white hot intensity of my love!  Someone who can flame the embers of romance!  Somebody who can stand a whole lot of fire-related puns and obvious jokes!

I want a man who can make love to me until my screams of ecstasy cover up the screams of my bubbling and liquifying flesh!  I want a man who knows how to use his "stake", and I'm not talking about the one I'm currently tied to and is burning blood soaked blisters into my back.

I want a man ... wait ... aiiiiiieeeeeee!  It burns!  Buuurrrrrnnnnssss!

Forgot I was on fire there for a moment!

Likes: Firemen
Dislikes: Puritans.  Honestly, turn a couple people to goats and kill a couple harvests, and they do this?  These people have no sense of humor!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Ariel Gives More Unwelcome Advice

Hello all you less attractive ladies!

Ariel here with some more relationship advice for the all you unwanted non-princesses out there.

First off, aim lower.  Are you a princess?  Did you star in two seasons of a Saturday morning cartoon?  Does your frilly under-things smell like barbarian sweat?  Of course not.  I have magic powers.  You have 2.5 kids and a TV that is locked onto the Oprah channel.

I say, aim as low as you can, like, say, computer programmer.  Or blog writer.  Or blog writing computer programmer.  Those guys are desperate!  I mean, lower self-esteem than you convincing yourself that two sits-up make that cupcake OK.  Just repeat these simple phrases over and over to win his heart:
  • You've really built up some muscles lifting those comic book boxes!
  • The scenarios you've come up with for your Shogun Warriors vs Micronauts action figures is exciting and worthy of a spec script!
  • Which character is stronger?  Why, it's up to you, dear, you better understand the physics and science involved!
Just be prepared to dress up like Psylocke or me!

    Tuesday, May 8, 2012

    Sadomasicist Nurse Printing Panic

    I've decided to start my own Dungeon of Debauchery!

    Except the fliers I put out had a printing error!  What kind of weirdos -- well, different weirdos -- will my Dungeon of Debunkery bring in?

    Many welcome greetings my compact-dressed ashen female!  I am big brain wonder woman, who's cranial capacity is as savagely tight as your dress!  I would enjoy immensely becoming a full-fledged member of your scintillating society of debunkery!  While I have throughly debunked all manner of conspiracy and cryptozoological interests, I would be more than happy to impart my vast wisdom to any future members of your wonderful club!

    Why, yes, you may borrow my magic lasso!


    Oh, I see.  Big brain wonder woman now understand the pun-like nature of the flier mistake.

    I'd still like to stay.

    Thursday, May 3, 2012

    Mr. Jinks Illuminati Top 10

    It's May 1st, like, kinda, time for a conspiracy minded 10 top!

    Top 10 Secret Goals of the Illuminati

    10. Figure out special ray to heat up tin foil hats
    9. Syphon off enough international banking money to afford front row RUSH tickets
    8. Work more on taking over the world, less on getting drunk
    7. Hold secret conference on kids and their gadgets.  What's up with that?  Why don't they play outside?  Why, in our day, we played sports, got dirty, and we liked it but now they don't get their heads out of their (continued, #6)
    6. (continued, #7) beep and bopping crazy plastic gadgets.  And what's Pokemon?  What's a Pikachu?  Why is Brock such a pervert?  Who knows?  Kids!
    5. How come we control the monetary supply but Apple makes that much?
    4. Create special minting process to put pyramids in the eyes of Lincoln on the penny
    3. Rap: Should we control that too?  Are we "fly" or "hip" enough?
    2. Develop new secret handshake, it seems the fist-bump has leaked
    1. Dames?  Right?  We control all knowledge and we still haven't figured them out!