Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 13

Today there's a very special lady in our Single Ladies collection.  She, and it, would love to get you alone for moonlight smooching and/or moonlight maiming.  Which ever comes first determines if it's a good first date or a bad last one.

Ginger or Gruntjetta, depending on the phase of the moon.

Looking for:
A man with whom I can let down my hair, and possibly giant chunks of moldering skin.  A man that will allow me to be myself and also be a slobbering monster with a dandy pair of earrings.

I love a man who's not afraid to call me honey, or call the national guard to stop my ghoulish rampage.  A man who can love me regardless of health, wealth, or just how deep my monster alter-ego is wading into the steaming entrails of my terrified victims.

Perfect Date:
A nice diner in a fancy restaurant, and then right back home to tie me to a chair before the change comes.  Important note: Do not take tying me to the chair as foreplay.  That would be a mistake.

Special Word from Our Lovely Lady
I'm a kind blargh, arg, kill, kill, KILL and loving woman!  I love to travel argh, choke, must rend tear rend tear KILL KILL and go hiking in the mountains must KILL eat flesh KILL KILL and am a great lover of nature, I especially love watching birds blargh blargh arg me also like pretty birds.


Sunday, May 26, 2013

Dinosaur Dracula Turns One

Back in the late 90s, I had a comedy site where I mentioned 80s cartoons and reviewed really bad T&A films on USA's Up All Night.  Then I stopped.  Fast forward to 2011, and I've got comedy blog with 80s cartoons and reviews of really bad T&A films -- this time with the boobs intact.  It's really an amazing amount of horizontal movement.  I like to think of it as walking down the up escalator of comedy.

What got me back into it?  Internet pal Matt, having one of his periodic I'm-quiting-for-good-this-time bouts over at his blog, X-E Entertainment.  Eventually he shuttered X-E and started Dinosaur Dracula, one year ago to be precise.  He hasn't threatened to quit yet, but I feel it's only a matter of time, and his blogging doesn't feel right without the threat hanging over our heads.

So, to celebrate the debt I owe him, let's go over some of his videos and determine which celebrity or thing Matt most closely doesn't resemble in said video.

Doesn't Resemble: Mel, a Doctor Who companion
Reasoning: Lacks big pile of red hair and high pitched scream, mostly likely butt not as hot.
Matt's Look: 55% diva, 45% aware that nothing ever goes away on the internet

Doesn't Resemble: A Bucket
Reasoning: Lacks handle.  Limited capacity to carry liquids.
Matt's Look: Introspective, with a hint of "where's life taking me"

Doesn't Resemble: A Mosasaurs Mummy eating an Easter Bunny
Reasoning: Matt has trademark on Dinosaur Dracula™, and that bastard will sue at the drop of a hat.
Matt's Look: Should not have eaten that extra pancake

Doesn't Resemble: Old X-E Matt
Reasoning: The ravages of time, wears red better then.
Matt's Look: The haughty dead


One other thing; while working on the new Cerne Giant album, I had a song which sounded a bit too similar to another song, so I found a different singer and repurposed it into an ode based around a Dinosaur Dracula.  It rocks!  Would I lie to you?  Download it.  Listen to it while looking over Matt's awesome site.


Happy Birthday, Dino Drac!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Nudes and Nuts

It's art appreciation week here at the Parade of Horrorables!  Get appreciating, you uncouth philistines!

There is such a thing as too full lashes.

Suckers!  You thought you were getting some culture, but instead I blind-sided you with another goofy 60s Nudie Cutie short.  I know you're all positively crushed.

Here we see our main characters: mutant pointy-boob floating-head women and French Robot™.  Ha, I fooled you chumps again!  It's actually just a bunch of low-paid nude models, the first Asian guy I've seen in one of these, and what looks like a real life Shaggy recovering from a 3 year smack binge.

And art!  Kind of.  Loosely.   If you count the result of being hit by a bus while carrying watercolors art.  Sadly, this time I'm not fooling.

If you say you aren't a serial killer, that's good enough for me!

Our artist friend is paying $50 to women to let him paint on them.  After placing an ad in the paper.  This is not at all, in any way, shape, or form, creepy as all hell.

Surprisingly, they all say yes.  And they all take off their clothes, even if he can't use them.  Were there no safety PSAs in the 60s?  I think the prelude to "dismembered corpse in a barrel" starts with "ad in paper, come to my apartment, take off your clothes."

Now we just need to add the giant novelty glasses!

The great artist at work on his masterpiece, ladies and gentlemen.  The boobs are eyes.  Genius!

While his work should hang in the Louvre (though I think the hooks would be murder), I have to do a slight critique on this work.  It's weak, unoriginal, monochromatic, wet-eared, weak-willed, lily-livered, festering, boiling, cantankerous, profusely sweaty piece of dreck cast of the lowest order or amateur art next to the velvet Elvis with big eyes.

Canvas isn't bad, though.

No, Nurse Chapel!  What will Captain Kirk think?

OK, really, I can accept movies with super powers and space aliens, but I just can't suspend belief enough to think that a single ad in the paper can bring so many hot naked women to your dingy apartment. It just can't be real.  I refuse to accept this reality.

Unless somebody wants to present anecdotal evidence.  I think I can scrape together $50!

Le Zoinks!

Now we meet the guy whom I assume is our nut.  He's half naked a little later, and he is the thinest man I've ever seen in a movie, and that counts the skeleton warriors in Sinbad.  I've seen small twigs that could possibly beat him in arm wrestling.  He cackles, he preens, he bounces around like a dead possum full of jumping beans ...

... and, yet, he manages to be less creepy than the artist.  At least for now (ominous music.)

And he brings along another set of boobs.  Thank you, French pop-eyed scarecrow!

True masters only paint sitting down.

This is the only work that our artists describes.  It's a zebra.  This is the first African-American woman I've seen that's not doing a jungle dance, and we get zebra.  Because a zebra has black stripes.  I know it was the 60s, but I want to slap the entire decade so hard it's eye face backwards in their sockets.

I like to think of this as less like a zebra and more like a sexy parking lot map.

The apartment is crappy, but the lighting's great!

Our last model gets an abstract painting, which leaves us, the viewers, to decide it's name and meaning.  Let's give it a shot:
  • Spurting Hole
  • Really Sad Tree
  • Cheap Ms Goodbody
  • Septic Tank Backup
How shall we end this short?  As creepy as it began, or should we try for even more creep?

That look says "get in the trunk."

What are you going to use that sheet for?  Wait, skip it.  I don't want to know.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Bardos Metal Mania: Ratt: Lay It Down

On today's Metal Mania, demon metal mascot Bardos looks at a video that, based on the clothes, is either an OK metal song or a really good pirate era Adam Ant song.

Lay It Down

Important Rule: First Image of Video Shouldn't Creep People Out

Damn it, PennyWise, I thought you were stuck in Maine!

"How was the new Ratt video?"

"I'm not sure, I ran screaming at the first frame, and spent the rest of the night peeing around the edges of my room in hopes that it would create a barrier that would keep the terrifying clown away."

This is not the way to start your metal video.  It's not metal.  It's a bladder-draining and pants filling horror of epic proportions.  Let's try this again.  Give us the next shot.

This has to be Better

I hear Ave Satani in the background!

Gah!  Not better!  It's actually worse!

Is this a video or some kind of social experiment in fear?  I'd expect Damien to appear in a Possessed video, not in yet another Ratt song about sex (or the sloppy equivalent.)  Is it some kind of long-running immersion program to turn off teenagers from sex?  After watching this video, every time a teen gets excited he's either going to imagine the clown or Damien up there, or worse yet, Damien and the clown running hand in hand across a field of flowers.

Side effect: Ruins human reproduction forever.

Speaking of Ratt, isn't it about time for them to start mugging for the camera?

Hiring German Expressionist to Design Your Backdrops

Pearcy's day job was working at a avant-garde pipe manufacturer.

The rest of the video is basically the singer Pearcy harassing some woman that's a grown up version of the girl at the party ... yes ... there's a story, but the story involves a clown and so we all don't spend the night huddling under a blanket covered in our own stinking vomit, let's forget all that.

Pearcy is basically imploring our 80s hottie to Lay It Down.  Lay down what?  Some kind of tile, or maybe a nice wood floor, or even carpeting?  Or lay down on his head until he stops singing?

Don't Forget the Dance Moves!

I'm pretty sure I heard a spleen pop.

The entire video has Pearcy in this wash-day flamenco-dancing pirate get-up.  It's not doing him, us, or fashion any favors.  It might have actually caused the heat death of the universe to inch a couple years closer.

Here we see a rock-n-roll signer kick that would make even David Lee Roth jealous, that is if jealousy could ever get by Roth's gigantic ego.  Still, a pay-per-view kick fight between Roth and Pearcy?  I'd pay for that!  Pearcy can be the "The Boot-Kicking Buccaneer" and Roth can be "The Leotard Leaper!"  One night only, winner gets the MILF in the front row that's desperately trying to re-live her glory days.

Also, Don't Forget The Proper Guitar Moves

Bang!  Bang!  Pow Pow!

Many snakes died to bring us this guitar.

In an 80s hair metal band, what's it like to be the one guy with the flat hair?  Are you always the one forced to do the donut runs?  Do you get last groupie pick?  Do they pelt you with bottles of extra body conditioners ala Carrie?

Extra credit for the first reader to find a frame where the guitarist and bassist have their mouths shut.

Restraining Orders Also Include Whispering

If you like me, fill in the YES box!

Let's imagine what Pearcy is whispering.
  • I heard those guys in Dokken are a bunch of wussies!
  • I ran out of eyeliner, can I borrow yours?
  • Contract negotiations with the rest of the band are going great!
  • Is all this PVC piping turning you on, too?
  • The extra "T" stands for Trouble.  Right here in River City.  With a capital T.  And that rhymes with P.  And that stands for pool.
  • What do you think, too many sparkly bits on the shirt?
  • Can there really ever be too many sparkly bits?
  • Man that kid is creepy!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Grandma's Mother Day Message

Grandma's back and better than ever!  I've had some tune up work done and my engine's purring like a slightly dizzy kitten with a bad case of Emphysema!

Being Mother's Day -- and I think I'm quite the mother as I've pushed enough things in and out of these loins to qualify for a discount at Jiffy Lube -- I'm wishing for a visit from one of you wolf hunks out there!  One with big guns, like a battleship!  Somebody who can crest a wave of love over me and turn this dry dock into a raging torrent ... or at least wet enough for the jelly to stick!

While gravity might have subtly morphed Grandma's love melons from perky pleasures to pendulous protuberances, Grandma still knows how to move 'em like the boys like to see 'em swinging ... they just take a bit longer to stop ... but that's more entertainment for the next wolf that I set my sights on (within a couple feet, Grandma's not good without her glasses!)

So, let's get this Mother's Day going!  You bring the hot rod and I'll shift these hips into neutral!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

A Mother's Day Top 10

Like, Mr. Jinks here again.  Haven't done one of these things in, like, a while, you know, I was getting kind of sure I wouldn't be making anymore appearances, but, like people seem to get tired of reviews of movies with naked women and, like, that gives time for ol' Jinksie boy!  They do, like, get tired of that, right?

Top 10 Least Wanted Mother Day Card Slogans

10. Thanks for gestating me!
9. Is the extra room in the basement still empty?
8. Here's a gift -- moisturizer! (Norman Bates only)
7. I love you, random dancer at Chesticles, dad was really, really drunk and can't quite pinpoint the exact set of pasties.
6. The flowers were too damn expensive!
5. Daddy's tired and asked me to berate you tonight  -- bitch!
4. For all the help you've given me in school -- thanks for being an MILF to all my teachers!
3. I think the hump is from daddy's DNA!
2. How lucky am I?  Well, I'm lucky you never learned to properly use contraception!
1. Smothering = Love!

Friday, May 10, 2013

The Naked Ape: Rebuttal

Now, because 7 parts wasn't enough, we offer a little bit of space for a rebuttal by the Beast himself.  Take it away you hilariously inept guy-in-a-suit monster.

Beast think treated very unfairly by movie!  Beast is no killer, specially not of attractive naked women! Beast is lover at heart, beast have soul of very small and fragile thing, like, say, some knick-knack.  Like porcelain figurine.  Maybe that cute one of little girl with umbrella and rain slickers!  Beast like that one!

Beast seem to get off track.

The real problem for Beast is that Beast have dissociative identity disorder!  Is true!  Beast's required psychology credit in college useful now!  What cause Beast's identity to shatter?  What bring about killer personality when Beast is actually really nice guy that want to hold open doors for naked ladies instead of ripping them open in a frenzy of teeth and claw?

Butt coverings!  60s butt coverings!  Look at the horror Beast have to deal with in movie!

You'd go crazy too!

Beast not responsible!  60s is!  And not like Beast hasn't seen good shorts in 60s!

When Beast steal lift fair use photo, it labeled "Homina-Homina!"  So let this be a lesson to both Beast and 60s nudie-cutie film makers.  Better pants, better shorts, better panties, less terrible tragedies at hands of enraged Beast!

Thank you!

Yes, Beast was shot dead.  Beast got better.  Lame comedy blog not about to let this bit go!

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 7

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

At this point, for those that have been following along in something other than a slightly incoherent haze, our beast of The Beast That Killed Women has killed exactly one woman.  Hopefully he can make it to two so it's actually women, but I suspect that would cut down on the talking heads/bouncing boobs scenes, so I don't expect that to happen.

She's not laughing, she's screaming.  Really.

Our beast, who not only looks like an area rug but is about as dumb as one, swallows the police woman bait whole and starts our movie's final Benny Hill sketch act. 

The beast hears the waiting police men coming and the chase is on!  Note that in this context "chase" is defined as "leisurely stroll in ape costume while grunting."

Beast audition for Might Joe Young.  Not work out so well!

Beast's animal senses tell beast that danger lurks!  Beast better adjust silly mask and leave tiki hut to meet grisly fate.  No use waiting, beast either die by gun or embarrassment, and by bullet probably read better on beast's gravestone!

Beast go out like a man!  In a costume!  In ill fitting costume!

'Tis a bad movie that killed the beast!

And our beast goes down like the sack of crap he is.  Not with a whimper, but with a final ook ook and then the guy in an ape suit rolls around looking for a good position to die in.  It's not a dignified death.

None of the night scenes are lit well, and the ape being pitch black doesn't help.  Luckily, the directory thought ahead this time and lit the scene by diffusion from 1000 watt white shorts.

Disney's World Famous Jungle Cruises -- Sleaze Edition!

We've got 10 minutes left so a slime ball welcomes all our soon to be naked campers back, including a woman wearing a giant green mumu -- now we now how the beast snuck in.

Then more scenes in the locker room, more nude woods walking (will nobody think of the chiggers?), more nude swimming, and just more general nudie-ness.  It's almost as if the film wasn't focused on the beast, the one that killed women or the one that scored well in the naked beach volleyball tournament.

How the hell do you water those plants above the sliding glass door?

Hey, a resolution!  The cops get a tip and arrest this women, who I assume is the owner of the ape.  Nothing is said.  There are no lines.  They lead her away, and that's that.

Drama!  Tension!  Excitement!  All words we can't use here!

The last 10 minutes of this film consists of some of the loudest ambient insect noise I've heard, and I've seen the movie Swarm.  Oddly, in this scene, it's a cacophony of children screaming.  No joke: It stops when they are in the house, but is incredibly loud by the pool and in the front yard.  And there's nary a child to be seen!  It's a weird choice in a movie about boobs and butts!  Is it the ambient noises of a bunch of horny 16 year olds trying to climb over the drive-in fence?

My summer camp experiences sadly had 100% less boobs.

And finally, another visit from our two bed buddies who spent the entire film cowering in bed at every noise or at the completely unnecessary fear of a violent, 400 pound animal.  Wusses!  I'd call them something else, but that wasn't allowed in the 60s nudie cutie genre.

And here ends our story about The Beast That Killed that One Lady or At Least Made Her Soil Her Pants, and Made the Other Lady Burst Out Laughing, plus Boobs.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 6

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

I've been neglecting to mention this movie constantly cuts back to the dimly lit limbo which it's desperately trying to pretend is a hospital for another installment of Exposition and Smoking Theatre.

I watched this movie because I heard there was jiggling in it.

Nothing makes the jello go down smoothly like dry crackers and a box of marlboro and kools.  Kids love he kools because it starts with a "K" (radical!) and love the marlboros because they cause your lungs to look like the inside of a metal smelting plant (awesome!)

The cops come in and explain that they are going to put up a decoy police woman to catch the ape.  Here's a good chance for the movie to switch to a police procedural, where we see how the police go about setting up the sting.

There isn't a singe person in this scene without at least 3 ticks on them.

Or, of course, endless scenes of the police women walking by naked people.

By the way, what kind of camera did they use on this?  I've never seen grass that green.  It looks like radioactive easter basket grass!

One for the low self-esteem ladies.

Nobody explains why our police women is taking an extended tour of the nudist camp, or why she doesn't put an end to nearly 30 people (this scene goes on for a while) running across what looks like a wet and sure to be super slippery granite.  It's just good pool safety!  What we are paying our local police for?  Do you job!  Hand out some tickets!

I leave it up to the boys (and lady) in blue to decide where they are going to stick those tickets.

Hey, guy with the blue pants, nudist camp.  No tourists!

Lady Cop: "I love sitting out in the sun, with the cool breeze bringing in the funky smell from the naked folk."

Note to camera guy: Those flags?  You can move them out of the way before you start shooting.  Just thought I'd let you know.

It's like a 80s Faberge commercial with boobs!*

One of director Barry Mahon tricks is to have multiple sets of naked chicks re-iterate the plot to each other, usually in a performance so wooden you'll swear you're looking at the naked version of stockholm syndrome.  It's obviously just a way to insert more women and give them the minimum number of lines to read, but it does give you a quick overview of 60s hairstyles, from held up with hair spray to held up with industrial strength hydraulic cement.

* remember that 80s Faberge shampoo commercial, "I told 2 friends, etc" with the geometric progression of women using the shampoo?  The caption's funny now, isn't it?  Aren't you amazed at how clever I am for calling back to ad jingles from 30 years ago and expecting an audience of hyperactive ADD kids to recognize?  Well, aren't you?  Love me!

Shorts?  Dress?  Wrap?  You decide!

And another entry in the Gallery of Unfortunate Shorts™©®, all rights reserved, in perpetuity, so there (sorry, again, Mr Lileks!)

With this, The Beast That Killed Women begins it's descent into the action-packed finale.  Yeah, you know the movies I review, but I thought I'd try at least a little to convince you otherwise.

Excitement awaits, Part 7!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 5

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

After a bloody and grisly attack, our nudist pull out their sure-fire weapon for scaring away beasts:

Next up, naked Rock-em, Sock-em Robots.

Naked square dancing.

Not the most back-to-nature nudist camp, is it?  It's more like Stalag 13.  Somebody hanging used garland against the stark cement block wall isn't suddenly going to make that gray monolithic blend in with the trees.  That said, if you can even see the wall with all the bouncing that's going on, then you're probably pre-occupied most of the time with right angles and mortar composition.

I'd recommend focusing on the female boobs because if you do, you're likely to miss the furry ones on the paunchy 60s guy.

Beast trapped in plant area at Pier 1 again!

Beast finally back!

Beast titular character in film, yet beast have very few scenes!

Beast need to talk to agent.  Maybe beast stop killing women, start killing agent!  Beast wait, though, beast in talks to star in Saturday Morning live-action cartoon called Ghost Busters.  Beast wait until sees if he has job.  Hope beast doesn't have to co-star with any hammy actors, like guys in F-troop.  Hope beast's words aren't ironic.

An exciting scene, filmed in pitch-black-arama.

It's hard to see, but our beast is heaving this actor.  He gets a good 3 feet up and 5-10 feet out, and looks really frightened -- you can't blame him -- because knowing the shoot, the water is probably full of hepatitis A through triple Z.

The one time we have something exciting going on, and the director decides this is the time to light the scene with wistful fire-flies.

Saves time in the morning if you put your lipstick on before going to bed.

During the tense (have I convinced you?) beast scenes, we get multiple scenes of scared topless hotties climbing into bed together.  I know what you are thinking, but take that thought and bury it in the same deep, dark hole that the negatives of this film should have be interned in.

Sorry folks, but this is as suggestive as the 60s nudie cutie genre is going to get.  That is, unless it so happens that your personal fetish is women arguing over bunk space, then boy, you've hit the jackpot!

Eugene Levy's dad got some plum roles!

Here's a scene where the cops question a woman for what seems like 47 hours to determine that the beast is actually a gorilla.  There's a small problem -- outside of the tedium -- with this scene, which I've helpful outlined with arrows.

Look, I don't want to tell the director to do his job, but, actually, yes, yes I do want to tell the director how to do his job.  Block the scene better, you hack!

So this Coke machine serves cottage cheese in a bottle?

Thankfully not a remake of Carrie.

Hey, again, blocking!  Is that 9 important?  Does it have significance later?  Then center the actors on the camera!  We're missing out on a complete butt!

It seems our lovely ladies are fleeing the camp after the second fearsome beast attack.  Will there be anybody left to jump around topless?  Well, not counting the beast.

More!  Part 6