Saturday, May 4, 2013

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 6

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

I've been neglecting to mention this movie constantly cuts back to the dimly lit limbo which it's desperately trying to pretend is a hospital for another installment of Exposition and Smoking Theatre.

I watched this movie because I heard there was jiggling in it.

Nothing makes the jello go down smoothly like dry crackers and a box of marlboro and kools.  Kids love he kools because it starts with a "K" (radical!) and love the marlboros because they cause your lungs to look like the inside of a metal smelting plant (awesome!)

The cops come in and explain that they are going to put up a decoy police woman to catch the ape.  Here's a good chance for the movie to switch to a police procedural, where we see how the police go about setting up the sting.

There isn't a singe person in this scene without at least 3 ticks on them.

Or, of course, endless scenes of the police women walking by naked people.

By the way, what kind of camera did they use on this?  I've never seen grass that green.  It looks like radioactive easter basket grass!

One for the low self-esteem ladies.

Nobody explains why our police women is taking an extended tour of the nudist camp, or why she doesn't put an end to nearly 30 people (this scene goes on for a while) running across what looks like a wet and sure to be super slippery granite.  It's just good pool safety!  What we are paying our local police for?  Do you job!  Hand out some tickets!

I leave it up to the boys (and lady) in blue to decide where they are going to stick those tickets.

Hey, guy with the blue pants, nudist camp.  No tourists!

Lady Cop: "I love sitting out in the sun, with the cool breeze bringing in the funky smell from the naked folk."

Note to camera guy: Those flags?  You can move them out of the way before you start shooting.  Just thought I'd let you know.

It's like a 80s Faberge commercial with boobs!*

One of director Barry Mahon tricks is to have multiple sets of naked chicks re-iterate the plot to each other, usually in a performance so wooden you'll swear you're looking at the naked version of stockholm syndrome.  It's obviously just a way to insert more women and give them the minimum number of lines to read, but it does give you a quick overview of 60s hairstyles, from held up with hair spray to held up with industrial strength hydraulic cement.

* remember that 80s Faberge shampoo commercial, "I told 2 friends, etc" with the geometric progression of women using the shampoo?  The caption's funny now, isn't it?  Aren't you amazed at how clever I am for calling back to ad jingles from 30 years ago and expecting an audience of hyperactive ADD kids to recognize?  Well, aren't you?  Love me!

Shorts?  Dress?  Wrap?  You decide!

And another entry in the Gallery of Unfortunate Shorts™©®, all rights reserved, in perpetuity, so there (sorry, again, Mr Lileks!)

With this, The Beast That Killed Women begins it's descent into the action-packed finale.  Yeah, you know the movies I review, but I thought I'd try at least a little to convince you otherwise.

Excitement awaits, Part 7!

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