Tuesday, July 30, 2013

It's Supposed to be Sexy, Right? The Eerie Women, Part 3

If new to this series, start here.

Are you ready for more DOOM?  More DEATH?  Less skill in perspective and depth than the local 3rd grade art class?

Hey, strange satyr-devil-hunchback guy, can you hurry this up?  There's a lot of orders for these sex dolls and you're holding up the line.  Honestly, I think you can skip the head on the left, it's gone bad, and I highly doubt the head in the middle is even on the order form.  Stitched-vampire Mary Tyler Moore is probably a hot seller, but  I say you stick with the angry goth ghoul.

Also, I think you put on the wrong sized hands.  Try to have some respect for your profession!

There's a monster no kid ever wanted to be.  He -- or at least I hope it's he -- is half merman and half the green stuff that came out of a Stretch Armstrong when it finally broke.  He's got nearly useless claw hands, is wearing purple pajamas, and is being bested by a hobo vampire.

Our victim is barely able to contain the laugher.

Why isn't she worried?  Because there's a mallet close at hand.  Why did the artist draw this?  I don't know, and you don't want to.

Worse surprise party ever.

All of monkey-vampire's friends planned all day for this party.  Monkey-vampire decided to dress up like the Joker, and sadly pink-shirt Frankenstein's Monster was practicing pin the giant ass stake on the donkey right when he showed up.

Worse, the combined stripper/escape artist has a lot more scars than expected and was, frankly, a piss poor escape artist.  Fat werewolf tried to help her, but boyfriend Frankenstein's Monster got jealous.  Werewolf told him he was the only monster for him, but he's not so sure now and the relationship will never be the same.

Stripper/escape-artist wonders if she's still getting paid.

Honestly, Mary, I've never seen anybody so scared of the dentist!  It's just a cleaning!

Unseen off the bottom of the cover is the victim slamming her high heels into the vampires foot.

There's a lot of surprise on this cover!
  • Uncle Fester is amazed that his shrunken head apple kit turned out that great.
  • Frankenstein's Monster is shocked at the price of his mink stole.
  • Werewolf should never have tried to blow dry his fur that close to the tub.
  • Woman is completely baffled how her make-up application could have gone so terribly wrong.

That's some mighty fine bleeding from a 3000 year old mummy.

It was a great meeting of the big-nosed pastel-robe cult.  Their goddess, anime-cat-woman, started in on her world famous ventriloquist act as the cult waited for their chili to finish cooking.  Squib-mummy brought his date pre-passed out drunk (saves on drink costs!) and the night was BOLD, SHOCKING, TERROR!

Of course, as it always did at club Terrorama, the night ended with a fight and many, many broken noses.

There's more: Part 4!

Saturday, July 27, 2013

It's Supposed to be Sexy, Right? The Eerie Women, Part 2

If new to this series, start here.

Continuing on with our look at the lovely -- albeit a little blood-soaked -- women of Eerie Pubs covers and their magical sticky breasts.

If you follow the line of sight from our blonde victim, you see that she's actually terrified by something off panel.  Something more horrible than:
  • The puke-green hands of Kurt Lanz, who was buried off-center of his gravestone -- not an artistic mistake!
  • The very sad vampire woman who's lit from a convenient yellow spotlight behind the grave -- not an artistic mistake!
  • A flat-headed light green vampire dude who's not facing the victim -- again, not an artistic mistake!
How does the sad vampire woman fly?  Aerodynamic lift from her ass.

Vampire paramedic and his faithful assistant batty leap to the rescue of a pretty efficient suicide attempt, being that she stabbed herself right before jumping.  Odd-eyed hunchback is once again just moments too late to be the hero.

Vampire paramedic slept during the class on properly cradling accident victims, but he's really good at improvising.

Vampires and werewolves just never get along.

Guys, really, there's boobs enough for both of you.

Send ... more ... blonde ... chicks ...

As it turns out, zombies aren't after brains.  They just need blonde hair to finish their ham radio antenna setup.

Luckily, our blonde victim planned ahead.  Knowing she was going to visit the notoriously cursed grave of Count Braun, the 15th century shaver magnate and vampire, she glued her dress to her bosom.    That thing is not coming off the boobs no matter how much you rip it, and zombies aren't really known for carrying solvents around.

Neither the werewolf nor the vampire hottie look pleased by this turn of events.

First off, either Satan is trying to cut in from the right or Eerie artists really, really had a problem with limb counts.  Secondly, the mummy broke the stripper pool trying to be a comedian and now he has the look on his face wondering how much this blunder is going to cost him.

The werewolf, while he can tweet later that he touched a breast, is beginning to foam as he realizes that he's caught a really bad case of pink-eye from the vampire babe.

@Surprised_Werewolf Caught rabies.  Felt boob of Vampire Lorreta Lynn.  Good night, overall.

More, Part 3!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

It's Supposed to be Sexy, Right? The Eerie Women, Part 1

Today we start a lengthy swipe of scans from other websites scholarly* look at Eerie pubs covers.  Eerie pubs was a late 60s to 70s black and white horror magazine featuring redrawn stories from 50s pre-code comics and what could be best described as lurid and better described as pasted-together lurid covers.

In the tradition of Eerie pubs, I lifted these scans from here and here.

* yes, it's just snark.

Our first cover features our argyria-afflicted vampire stopping a bloody mummy with a particularly nasty overbite from killing our vampire babe, who really needs to stop overdoing it with the eye-shadow.  Is black her color?  More importantly, is a before-unknown vampire power the ability to form rocket boobs without a bra?

Nobody cares about the hanging head.  It's hair has turned green, so, frankly, it's probably been up there a while.  Somebody needs to tell somebody that hanging a head probably won't have the intended result of why you hang people.

Shock!  Terror!  Suspense!  No mention of badly drawn spiders!

Here we have a vampire couple after centuries of being together.  Sure, he's won a number of Moe Howard look-a-like contests, but he's not happy in this marriage.  She's really let herself go, and under the light of this candle her crow's (bats?) feet are really obvious.

Also, she's covered in spiders.

If she still loved him, she'd make sure to clean up for him.  At least that what he tells the merwoman he's got stashed in that hotel by the interstate.

Nobody in editorial caught the fact that the harpy/vampire/devil woman has 4 arms?  Wait, silly me, editorial department?  Yeah, right.

Our nicely dressed and well-combed Rasputin isn't trying to kill our vampire woman; no, he notices how physically impossible it is for her to hang off a tombstone like that and is only trying to get the physics of the universe back in order by nailing her to the tombstone.  Right through the breast.  It'll hold better that way.

"Skeletons have no Secrets," well, hell, why didn't somebody tell me that?  I never should have confided in that skeleton earlier today!

I have no idea why the woman in the purple nightie -- well, barely in the purple nightie -- seems so scared.  The vampire is running in fear at the very thought of seeing boobs (yet still looking back, in a kind of "can't turn away" stare) and the werewolf seems more interested in his arts and crafts project with the thigh bones.

The only thing that could possibly be menacing her is that rather rape-y looking skeleton, but he seems more interested in something on the werewolf's back.

I think she's pretty safe ...

Damn it, rape skeleton!

Our victim lost a bra but gained a tattoo, and the spectral power to float about a foot below the floor.  Rape Skeleton -- yes, it's a great band name -- seems to have spent most of his time facing south as he's got quite the moss growth happening on his back.

It's a sad state of affairs when even a skeleton -- who lacks proper equipment -- stares at a women's breasts instead of her face.  Just another day in the life of Rape Skeleton.

Onward to Part 2!

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Grandma with a Blog Update

It seems that you hunky young male internet readers are finally appreciating what Grandma can bring to the table ... and I don't mean my fine china!  Well, I do mean something that's colored white and pretty fragile, but that plate's open to be used for buttery-dripping corn-on-the-cob, if you know what I mean!

And I think you do.  Don't make an old lady torture a metaphor anymore than that!

As it turns out, this blog has been getting hit from a search for "Granny Mammeries."  Woo-hoo!  I've got a fan base.

Of course, we're also getting hits from "Naked Women Killing From Death."  Uh ... woo-hoo?

Regardless, Grandma will take what she can get!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

The Wellspring of Porn Plots: Shocking Set, Part 2

You might want to check out part 1 as this part is full of spoilers for the shocking climax of "Shocking Set" ... by which I mean the film smells like it's spoiled and the shock is there's nary a climax to be found.

But there's dumb hats and big hair a-plenty!

60's TVs -- so unsafe even the shelf can shock you!

After being distracted one too many times from the living beehive (last seen in Spider-man #214, "The Sting of the Beehive") our lunky TV repair man shocks himself into unconsciousness.  Having blown the entire special effects budget on frilly panties and industrial strength hair cement, we are treated to a 10 second epileptic fit followed by a gentle, non-hat bending collapse.

All and all, nothing like that time I hooked up the family dog to the jumper cables.*

* did not happen.  Do not leave me angry comments.

The royal bed is not for the like of the!

Our beautiful mound of hair rushes back to tell the other fine ladies that there's been a problem.  They don't believe her and lock her in the closet -- because, damn it, that blobby guy in a pink shirt with burn marks around his nipples will be all theirs -- and if they have to starve some bitch in the closet that's just the price they are willing to pay.

Were sloppy Jack Klugmen clones really that valuable?

What's with that railing?  Did they rent the Parthenon for this film?

Our second bearer of the beehive (Spider-man #257, "Return to the Hive") tries her luck with our TV repair man who is currently highly confused from the vicious shocking.  He's not sure if this is a different lady or the same from before.  The boobs look similar.  The hair looks really similar.  Her wooden acting is exactly the same.

Do pink shirts and dumb hats really work this well?

She lays our poor repair man on the couch and begins to administer the charm.  It's no wonder none of these women can find a man as they all seem to miss the most important aspect of capturing a man.

Things that don't matter:
  • Charm
  • Kindness
  • Helping
Things that do matter:
  • Boob (left)
  • Boob (right)
If this woman really cared about his health, she wouldn't have put him on that couch with a vertigo-producing pattern.  It looks like somebody freeze-dried a rather flowery swamp into the shape of a piece of furniture.

Listen, little Dutch boy, I don't know where that finger's been!

Of course, our top heavy (in hair) lady has to run off for a filmsy reason giving our third lady the chance to lay on the charm.

Again, our shocked and rattled repair man can't quite tell that this is a different woman.  The fact that he just went from somebody who's hair was held up by an erector set to a woman who's hair cut was modeled off a 12th century choir boy means he's either received a larger shock than first though, or he's focusing on something other than hair and face.

I think the second option sounds most reasonable.

The topless version of Dawn of the Dead isn't nearly as terrifying.

Eventually, all three of our hot chicks appear and all demand their part of our repair man.  Probably at the urging of their great god, the cement and light-bulb tiki lamp.

As it's a nudie cutie feature, the scene merciful ends here -- luckily for us because the repair man looks less like he's excited and more like he thinking that this is on the clock and he's getting paid hourly, and the women look like they are hunting for change in his shirt so they can buy a couch that's less nausating.

I'm just saying it would be an awful porno.

The 60s: Two channels, one "shocking set" and the other "the end."

And so ends the "Wellspring of Porn Plots", the 60s short Shocking Set.  Nothing that strange in this one, and it seems to hold an important place in the history of things you erase from your history list.

Monday, July 15, 2013

The Wellspring of Porn Plots: Shocking Set, Part 1

Imagine, if you will -- or won't -- no skin off my nose -- an apartment where the TV set has stopped working.  Now imagine that said TV set is owned by three hot ladies in desperate need of attention.  Now imagine a man comes over to fix said set.

Also, imagine it's the 60s so you can't show gentials or sex.

Now imagine a very cold shower.  And a very scratchy loofa.

Where is the HDMI port on this?

Welcome to Shocking Set !!?, the two !! are for how shocking it is and the ? is for what the hell is up with the kerning on the "g"?

Shocking Set is a 60s nudie cutie which I'm betting contains the first actual repair man/plumber/pizza boy plus randy women plot in history.  Wether the guy that comes to the door is a TV repair man or the guy tasked with bull semen milking, the plot is the same.  The ladies need sex and our doughy man has the puns.

Today's PTA meeting is topless and in the corner behind the bed.

Here's our prerequisite sexy owners of the broken TV.  They and their shadows argue about what is worse -- a haircut based on a football or the haircut of the little Dutch boy who plugged the dike with his finger.

On a personal note, whenever I encounter a group of sexy topless chicks, they always seem to be crowded unto one side of the bed, and screaming with what I assume is a female in the throws of passion: words like "ewwww" and "put that away."

It's a seance to summon up some dignity.

The one in the middle might have the haircut of a 7 year old boy but she's smart enough not to wear one of those baby dolls.  That's what every woman wants to be sexy, lingerie that makes you look like a slightly pastel pyramid.

Their apartment seems to be decorated in early Grecian with a hint of high school stage.

They play rock-paper-sissors to decide who gets to sex up the TV repair man and the woman in blue wins, mostly because the little Dutch boy picked spoon and the woman in yellow ate a shoe.

Hey lady, what's more embarrassing, your hair or my hat?

Here's our sexy 60s male specimen.  Dumb hat, slacks approaching nipple level, a pink shirt, and a face that looks like a slightly droopy chunk of beef.

Of course, the woman he's getting looks like a oatmeal box on top of a light blue wedge, so beggars can't be choosy.  The look on our guys face says less "wow" and more "is she wearing the curtains from my basement window?"

Actual Dialog: "That's a nice set."

If I failed to mention the music in this short, then you have my completely and utterly insincere apology.  It's wacky, up-tempo banjo music ... and I've learned no other music is even remotely close to getting women in the mood.  Again, assuming "ewwww" and "were you in an industrial accident" are signs of a woman dying to have sex with me.

I don't think mounting the TV is going to make either of you happy.

You know what modern porn is missing and is worse off for it?  Wacky hi-jinx.

You know what modern porn is missing and is better off for it?  Lighting every scene with what seems like aircraft landing lights.

So that's what a naked dame looks like!

Our hot little number decides to take off her nightie by claiming she needs to sew it.  This distracts our -- look, let's just call him our hunk because frankly it's the best we are going to do -- and then something actually shocking happens...

To be Continued!

Exciting, isn't it?  It's a cliff hanger! Part 2!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Metal Mania: Van Halen: Pretty Woman

Two Metal Mania's in a row?  I spoil my readers!  Wait, this is Van Halen?  Then take that spoil literally -- after reading this you'll feel a bit out of date and not fit for human consumption.

Van Halen
Pretty Woman

Metal Rule #1: You Can Never Have Too Much Ego

The most important climbing equipment on Van Halen mountain is a multi-chromatic leotard.

This video was actually banned on MTV because it contained a woman -- being pawed by dwarfs -- that turned out to be a guy in disguise.  Yes, that's the reason (sigh, America.)  Not because of Roth's uncomfortable camera mugging.  Not because we have a song from a famous metal band that's 1:40 minutes of noise, 2:50 minutes of needless 60s pop song, and 4:30 minutes of something less convincing than a high school production of The Music Man.

It's not very metal.  I sense Diamond Dave's undying desire to be as famous as possible leaving slime all over this video.

Attack of the Randy Oompa-Loompas

There's a "Chocolate Factory" joke here.  I'm not making it.

How did the ad for this actor go?

Male actor
Must have great legs
Must be willing to be raped by dwarfs
Must also be willing to not crack up as members of Van Halen play dress up

The Cow Bells!  The Cow Bells!

This was the last thing many a groupie saw.

First on our ruinous runway collection of absolutely stupid characters is Roth's half-hunchback half-1800s railroad brake man.  He sees the terrible s/he dwarf rape and calls in the calvary, or as I like to say it, more and more silly costumes until the entire video collapses into a pile of silly.

If this video helped Roth pick up more groupies, than my faith in humanity -- or that small subsection of drunk chicks with big hair and leather pants -- is restored.  If not, than I'm going to have to cancel my current band's in-production video called "The Great Little Lord Fauntleroy Prances About Merrily."

An Un-replaceable Member of the Band

What a great job!  I'll be in this band forever!

Oh, Michael Anthony, if only you knew what was coming.  No, not being fired, but being in a band with Sammy Hagar.  Twice.  Once by choice.

Oh the horror!

Finally, Boobs!

He's yelling at Eddie to turn down the amps.

I'm less and less believing that "classic" label.

Mongo Only Pawn ... In Game of Life!

I'm guessing he's regretting the smoke now.

Hey there pardners, this here is Cowboy Eddie!  I'm going to find me a fine filly, hopefully one that looks spookily like me!

Eddie seems the member least into the theatrics, which makes me think more that this is a Roth production.  He seems slightly annoyed, or bemused, or just wondering how many years he's got before the downhill slide of booze and cigs kicks in.  At least his ex-wife can fall back on that wads of weight loss money!

Never Hire Fashionable Napoleon

That's a face that's going to screw you.  Doesn't matter what or who you are.

Roth gets two costumes, and enough make-up to last a $5 hooker for two years.  Still, his stare is hypnotic and charmed the panties right off of me, and I didn't even realize I was wearing panties or that they could get so wet!

It's a look that makes me feel like I'm the only woman in a halter top in the audience, and Dave points at me and some 300 lbs roadie gently picks me up in his ape-like arms and carries me to the backstage pleasure palace that is Roth's loins.

A man who now wants to be a woman can dream, right?

Sunday, July 7, 2013

It's Getting Nearly Impossible to Find Honest Prostitutes!

My father, Pope Alexander VI, demands the most honest whores!

You think with my position as Cardinal Cesare Borgia I'd have a little more leeway with the ladies of the night.  Is it the chestnut thing that scares them away?  Look, I already said I'd do away with the various melons and stick with chestnuts!  I've even put the ping pong balls away!  How can we have a good male distance and quantity contest if no hookers sign up?  Well, let's see what we have.

No.  Good lord above and bad one below, No.  No no no.

Too stab-y.

Too recycled from previous posts.

Too zap-y.

Too granny-panty ... er ... y.

Just right!

Honestly, you think all this money and killings so somebody could be pope would lead to better whores.  What's the 1500s coming too?

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Metal Mania: Britny Fox: Girlschool

Welcome to another spelling-challenged edition of Metal Mania!

Britny Fox

Limited Offer: Free Sponge Bath

I will have her panties for the janitorial closet.  Oh yes I will.

I've seen a lot of metal video, but I've never seen one so full of cliches that I'm not sure that it's not some elaborate joke.  I actually think Steel Panther lifted this for their Death to All Butt Metal video!

We start out in one of the many all sexy girls schools (see, you can spell it correctly if you just try!) that filled our country from 1983-1990 until the all flannel Seattle schools took over.  It's full of creepy janitors, the always necessary uptight foil, and unisex big hair and frilly clothes.

Again, what the hell reality?  I went to high school in 85!  Why wasn't mine like this!  Well, with less Britny Fox, that is.

You Can't Hide the Big Hair.  Don't Try.

Sadly, she spent her college tuition on those implants.

I hope that's the way she's sitting or her boobs make up 82% of her mass.

Here's our rebellious girls, named Susn and Mry and Sandr (I've typed Brtny twice and I'm already sick of it) who are listening to ... sigh ... Britny Fox.  In steps our moral authority who is trying to get the kids to listen to Bach and keep them from listening to the tunes of Britny Fox, who's band members are, ironically, probably older than most school teachers.

At least they aren't as old as that Bach guy.

Today's Lesson: Crappy Hair Metal

Video logic: Ugly lady = bad.  Cute girl = oppressed minority who just wants to rock.

In comes Britny damn-it-I-have-to-type-it again Fox to bring the music to the highly oppressed actress/strippers hired from the local TaTa Tango strip club.  Our teacher is surprised to find a C-grade pop metal band hiding behind her blackboard.  She was pretty sure she fumigated back there, and the exterminator claimed he only found and removed a nest of Kick Axes and chased away that one lone member from The Bullet Boys.

I'll Sleep with Anybody But The Bassist!

Britny Fox's amps actually spray aqua net.

Britny Fox's wall of sub-KISS power chords super charges our girls and they instantly start sexy dancing while big hair sprouts from their heads like a majestic oak -- growing proudly in a forest full of beer cans and used condom wrappers.

Singer Do Good Hulk Impression!

I honestly had a hard time picking out the best goofy frame for this guy.

Metal Mania presents Metal History:

Singer: How can we get famous, do you have any tips?
Manager: You need something that's your own.  A style, something people will recognize you for!
Singer: How about pointing?
Manager: That's a good start, but it needs something more.
Singer: I don't know!
Manager: I have an idea, can you make a face like your lips were torn off by an industrial thresher?

... and thus the greatest rock face of all was born.

I Did Not Just See That!

My favorite guitar solo from a 12th century courtesan.

Oh no you didn't!

You did not just tap with the pick!  We will not have this!  Back to remedial guitar solo class!  Until you learn what your pick is for, no more guitar solos for you!  Turn in the frou-frou shirt and coat you stole from that crazy guy in the Men Without Hats video!

We will not have pick tapping.  It's cheating!  Britny Fox deserves better than this ... OK, no it doesn't.  Continue on.

Even Moral Authority Can Not Stop the Rock

Britny Fox will convert everybody to hair metal!  Well, at least from 1985-1990.

Our video ends with the teacher who before only understood Bach (it was the lesson of the day) fully converted to the wonder of a bunch of goofy guys with rudimentary skills from Pittsburg.  Who says the American education system is failing it's students?