Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Metal Mania: Van Halen: Pretty Woman

Two Metal Mania's in a row?  I spoil my readers!  Wait, this is Van Halen?  Then take that spoil literally -- after reading this you'll feel a bit out of date and not fit for human consumption.

Van Halen
Pretty Woman

Metal Rule #1: You Can Never Have Too Much Ego

The most important climbing equipment on Van Halen mountain is a multi-chromatic leotard.

This video was actually banned on MTV because it contained a woman -- being pawed by dwarfs -- that turned out to be a guy in disguise.  Yes, that's the reason (sigh, America.)  Not because of Roth's uncomfortable camera mugging.  Not because we have a song from a famous metal band that's 1:40 minutes of noise, 2:50 minutes of needless 60s pop song, and 4:30 minutes of something less convincing than a high school production of The Music Man.

It's not very metal.  I sense Diamond Dave's undying desire to be as famous as possible leaving slime all over this video.

Attack of the Randy Oompa-Loompas

There's a "Chocolate Factory" joke here.  I'm not making it.

How did the ad for this actor go?

Male actor
Must have great legs
Must be willing to be raped by dwarfs
Must also be willing to not crack up as members of Van Halen play dress up

The Cow Bells!  The Cow Bells!

This was the last thing many a groupie saw.

First on our ruinous runway collection of absolutely stupid characters is Roth's half-hunchback half-1800s railroad brake man.  He sees the terrible s/he dwarf rape and calls in the calvary, or as I like to say it, more and more silly costumes until the entire video collapses into a pile of silly.

If this video helped Roth pick up more groupies, than my faith in humanity -- or that small subsection of drunk chicks with big hair and leather pants -- is restored.  If not, than I'm going to have to cancel my current band's in-production video called "The Great Little Lord Fauntleroy Prances About Merrily."

An Un-replaceable Member of the Band

What a great job!  I'll be in this band forever!

Oh, Michael Anthony, if only you knew what was coming.  No, not being fired, but being in a band with Sammy Hagar.  Twice.  Once by choice.

Oh the horror!

Finally, Boobs!

He's yelling at Eddie to turn down the amps.

I'm less and less believing that "classic" label.

Mongo Only Pawn ... In Game of Life!

I'm guessing he's regretting the smoke now.

Hey there pardners, this here is Cowboy Eddie!  I'm going to find me a fine filly, hopefully one that looks spookily like me!

Eddie seems the member least into the theatrics, which makes me think more that this is a Roth production.  He seems slightly annoyed, or bemused, or just wondering how many years he's got before the downhill slide of booze and cigs kicks in.  At least his ex-wife can fall back on that wads of weight loss money!

Never Hire Fashionable Napoleon

That's a face that's going to screw you.  Doesn't matter what or who you are.

Roth gets two costumes, and enough make-up to last a $5 hooker for two years.  Still, his stare is hypnotic and charmed the panties right off of me, and I didn't even realize I was wearing panties or that they could get so wet!

It's a look that makes me feel like I'm the only woman in a halter top in the audience, and Dave points at me and some 300 lbs roadie gently picks me up in his ape-like arms and carries me to the backstage pleasure palace that is Roth's loins.

A man who now wants to be a woman can dream, right?

1 comment:

Tod Nugent said... brown M&Ms were abused in the making of that video.. **