Friday, September 28, 2012

Halloween Season 2012

... and so it begins!  All through October get ready for the most rip-roaring, hoot-hollowing, other regional dialect malapropisms (note: already misusing a word, that's a bad sign) pieces of internet comedy you've ever seen.  Some might actually even be funny!  That is if I work up the steam for it.  No guarantees!

At least I'll be part of a collective that full of great blogs, CryptKeeper's annual Halloween countdown!

Included will be a long lost work hailed by many historians comic readers as the holy grail of comics.  A complete scan -- spread throughout the month -- of the 1950s pre-code horror comic "Count Skully's Crypt of Convenient Coincidence."  While EC comics (publisher of Tales from The Crypt) were front and center in the government decency hearings, Count Skully's comic was front and center at the government can-you-at-least-try-to-draw-something-decently hearings.  After that, and for many decades, a badly drawn dark cloud descended upon 3rd-grade level crayon drawing on used bloody butcher's paper.

Now, this lost gem resurfaces, no matter how many people keep trying to push it back under.

So get ready, my 4 readers and 182 spam link bots, for Parade of Horrorables Halloween 2012, starting Oct 1st!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 8

We still aren't sure why nobody seems to be calling, but we've pledged to our clients that we won't be giving up, so here's another attractive, hot single lady vying for your attentions!

I'm a beautiful, statuesque blonde who only desires to hold you close, and has absolutely no desire to subjugate your puny monkey race under my fearsome alien armada.

The kind of man I'm looking for is one that's kind, obedient, weaponless, prone to quick surrender, and can work long hours on pleasing his woman and even longer hours in our interplanetary mazigula crystal mines.

I'm the kind of woman any man would die for ... that's not saying that lots of men, and woman, and children might be dying under my army of flesh-melting death ray armed tanks.  Frankly, I don't think most will survive the initial high orbital bombardment.

Not that anything like that is going to happen.  Who would think that?  Silly human slave possible date!

I've got a body that never stops, kind of like the endless waves of death bots trampling the bleached bones of worlds conquered under our jack-booted troops.  Again, nothing like that is going to happen, especially if you aren't paying attention.

Likes: Guys with planetary defense codes.
Dislikes: Space Ranger Brad.  Curses!  I'll get you if it's the last thing I do!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Count Chocula Can Die

The site Dinosaur Dracula did an article on Count Chocula.  Great.  Fine article.  I will be the big werewolf and wish my ... co-worker ... well.

Ah, screw that!  Count #$!@%! Chocula can burn to a crisp in the hellish heat of my hatred!  I'll personally be the one to put the stake in his cold marshmallow heart, and then I'll stuff his empty eye sockets with dried out Count Chocula cereal.  I'm the blasted Fruit Brute and nobody ever talks about me!

How did everybody forget my cereal?  We aren't talking about some maniac-depressive rabbit, or some compulsive-excessive leprechaun, I'm a damn werewolf dressed like a stick of fruit stripe gum!  Did they do that much work?  The rabbit doesn't even have clothes on!  I look like the contents of a trash can after Mardi Gras!  That's dedication!

You think those two cared about your saturday morning sugar bomb?  No!  Were those 2nd generation Karloff and Lugosi imitators out scaring up some villagers?  Sucking some blood?  No, it seems they were more concerned with their I Love Lucy cosplay!   What ... why is a vampire sleeping during the night?  By the way, those nighties?  Real terrifying, guys!

And for my monstrous howl, do I get any respect?

Of course not.

Hey, Frankenberry, a 13 year old girl wants her strawberry toe nail stickers back.

Hey, Count, the Scarlet Witch called and wants her head-band back.  That's funny, look it up.  Well, I mean, it won't be funny if you had to look it up, and seeing the similarities isn't really going to improve the joke.

I might have gotten a little distracted there.

Don't get me started on yummy mummy.

You didn't hear it from me, but I heard he wears woman's underwear under those wrappings.  Really, this is who they thought could push the same cereal I couldn't?

In summation:
  • Count Chocula is a registered sex offender.
  • Frankenberry has a bad crack habit.
  • Booberry uses his ghostly powers to peep.
  • Yummy Mummy is a pervert with some sort of gaping hell-mouth.
  • Fruit Brute spends most of his time and money helping the needy, and at the same time has discovered cures for many common diseases.
I'm not a saying that this information should influence your cereal buying decision, just letting you know the facts.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Quiz Time!

What's in the Black Ghoul's Bouffant?

Could it be?
  • A corn silo?
  • Framed with Lincoln Logs?
  • Criswell's dignity?
  • A buffet .. get it ... bouffant?  Buffet?  That killed them in Vaudeville!  Laid them out in the aisles!  A real corker!
  • An intricate construction of bent wire hangers and gaffer's tape?
  • Some kind of structural support for the push-up bra?
  • An actual joke to make this post worth the 8 seconds it takes to read it?

Mail the correct answers to:

Ed Wood Jr's Men's Soft Sweater Club
Cashmere Blvd

Prizes will be awarded by Criswell passed out drunk behind your recycling bin.

Prize is one coupon for an Orgy of the Dead of your choice.  Prize has no cash value.  Prize has no value at all.  Can substitute for an Orgy of the Slightly Inconvenienced.

Monday, September 17, 2012

I Have A Stick!

I have a stick and I'm going to use it!

Do you damn kids know how much those pink flamingos cost?  On my salary, a lot!  And I know how all you little bastards chortle so every time you line up my garden gnomes like they are in some movie where a wicked person sews a bunch of folks together into a kind of human, multi-legged arthropod!

That sounds like the kind of sick movie you laughing hyenas would watch!

I see you behind my azaleas, you little snot-nosed punks!  You think I like having every branch covered in your filthy toilet paper?  When I was young, we didn't show toilet paper out in the open!  We kept that function private, and when we went shopping we always bought ... it ... first so we could pile up the other groceries on it so nobody could see it!  Sure, we all knew we used it, but it gave us all plausible deniability!

... and right next to plausible deniability is pushing deep and that's exactly what this stick is going to be doing if I catch you degenerates! 

 Get off my lawn!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Bardos Metal Mania: Mötely Crüe: Looks That Kill

Bardos digs deep through the syringes and little baggies wrapped with foil to bring you another metal video review!

Mötely Crüe

Looks That Kill

Wörse Delivery öf Bad News

Oh, by the way, ladies, I lied.  This isn't a sword and sorcery movie...

It's a Crüe video.  Geeze, you don't have to take it that bad!  Calm down, valium's in the trailer!

Might Be Sending Mixed Signals

So the Crüe needs torches and barbed metal fences to keep chicks?

While this is the exact same method I employ to get dates for a Friday night, I'm surprised the Crüe has to do this ... honestly, I'm beginning to think most of the Mötely Crüe autobiography The Dirt is a lie!

Möst Literate Üse öf Metaphör

Vince Neil sings "The clock strikes midnight", and Tommy Lee hits this:

It's amazing that a band know for it's sex, drugs, and rock n' roll would fill their video with such quiet symbolism.  It's a real testament to the learned approach to imagery the band employees in their videos.  To some people, it's just a lot of half naked chicks, paper-mache rocks, and flash pots.

To the Crüe, though, it's a tantalizing play filled with story arcs, hidden meanings, deep emotional resonance ... and half naked chicks.

Best Düal Warning tö Parents and 13 Year Öld Böys

The message for parents is that Mötely Crüe is way too satanic, and for 13 year old boys, the message is that strong women are scary!

For 13 year old boys in 2012, though, the message is that the effects are crap.  Damn cynical kids!

Best Üse öf Öld Star Trek Set

Where the hell is the görn?

Side Note:  That's not dry ice, Nikki Sixx is cooking heroin again.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Spooey's Worthless Q&A 1

Nobody is better at giving important factoids to help navigate the complexities of this world than a vapid cartoon duck created to spiel the virtues of a downtown Kalamazoo motel with 20 minute rates.

Dear Spooey:

Do I get this new-fangled iPhone 5?  Most everyone I know has a ginormous Droid something-or-other, and I feel really inadequate.  Is length really better than girth?

- Four inches in Fallstaff

Dear FIIF:

First, it's common practice when addressing letters to internet advice celebrities -- like myself -- to make sure the first letters of your signature creates a word related to your subject.  What is FIIF?  Is that a chip in the new iPhone?  Is it some Apple product code name?  Is it the noise a bag of flour makes when dropped on the ground?

Why not "I Phat Horse -- Ow! Nearly Equine!"  You see what I did?  I, P, H, O, N, E ... iPhone!  That's all it takes.  If you want me to take the time to give a glib answer to your pitiful bleating, then this is one thing you must get right!

I am a star.  I waddled up and down Kalamazoo and every webbed step I took told people "this hotel might be the physical incarnation of a health violation, but it's the only place the hookers can afford!"  That's not an easy sale, especially as some of the hooker's themselves seemed to be a physical incarnation of a health violation and/or STD given sausage form and stuffed into spandex.  I spent every night, grinding my cute webbed feet to stumps for this!  You will show me respect!

What was that again?  Length?  Girth?  I like weight best, myself.

Have a question for Spooey that might or might not get answered, but will probably trigger some unnecessary rant?  Post them in the comments!  You have nothing to lose but the 2 minutes it took to read this tripe!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

The Cursed Spook's Curse of All Hallow's Eve

Come to my eerie crypt, children!  There will be candy, cobwebs, pumpkins, plastic bats made in China, and the evil vengeance of the curse of the spook!

Every year, I have many children who visit my eerie crypt.  They come in their colorful costumes and demand treats; they expect dark spells from the dead, or communion with the very forces of the spirit world.

What they get is the full unholy force of the curse.

They get a bag of pennies.

If I run out of pennies, they get very, very sticky popcorn balls.

Ha ha ha ha!  Beware the curse!

And if these little deviants feel they must trick me, I have a worse curse in mind.  I send them to my neighbors, who call Halloween "Happy Autumn" and hand out Chick Tracks.

My curse is complete!  Suffer the torment of humorous people who ruin everything!  Ha ha ha ha!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Halloween Howlin'!

It's that time again, when this red-hot lady pulls out her sexiest costumes and goes prowling the town for some real man-wolves ... and some of that candy that's soft on the old false choppers!  Preferably a bunch of butterscotch and assorted peppermints from 1922, stuck together in a big mass!

So help out a lady who's advanced in both age and the ability to tie the knots on those suspended from the ceiling rigs, which sexy costume should I choose?

Sexy Nurse?
Sexy Cowgirl?
Sexy Cow?
Sexy Hip-Replacement Specialist?
Sexy Pokemon Trainer?
Sexy Pikachu of Pokemon Trainer?

I heard the sexy Pokemon stuff really get's the nerd boys running; they might not have the kind of man-slab chests I like, but I hear they are real good with the "hacking" and can probably get me a good deal on lube, miscellaneous bag clips, balls of yarn, and depends!

Regardless, this Halloween this lady is going to squeeze into something that will end up looking like tights with a couple pumpkins stuffed into it!  I know you're trying to imagine it, but you haven't seen anything until you've seen my 92 pounds of wet love and gristle stuffed into a tube!

So watch out wolves, this Halloween there might be a couple tricks -- trick knee, for one -- but for sure there's going to be a lot of yummy treats!