Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Spooey's Worthless Q&A 1

Nobody is better at giving important factoids to help navigate the complexities of this world than a vapid cartoon duck created to spiel the virtues of a downtown Kalamazoo motel with 20 minute rates.

Dear Spooey:

Do I get this new-fangled iPhone 5?  Most everyone I know has a ginormous Droid something-or-other, and I feel really inadequate.  Is length really better than girth?

- Four inches in Fallstaff

Dear FIIF:

First, it's common practice when addressing letters to internet advice celebrities -- like myself -- to make sure the first letters of your signature creates a word related to your subject.  What is FIIF?  Is that a chip in the new iPhone?  Is it some Apple product code name?  Is it the noise a bag of flour makes when dropped on the ground?

Why not "I Phat Horse -- Ow! Nearly Equine!"  You see what I did?  I, P, H, O, N, E ... iPhone!  That's all it takes.  If you want me to take the time to give a glib answer to your pitiful bleating, then this is one thing you must get right!

I am a star.  I waddled up and down Kalamazoo and every webbed step I took told people "this hotel might be the physical incarnation of a health violation, but it's the only place the hookers can afford!"  That's not an easy sale, especially as some of the hooker's themselves seemed to be a physical incarnation of a health violation and/or STD given sausage form and stuffed into spandex.  I spent every night, grinding my cute webbed feet to stumps for this!  You will show me respect!

What was that again?  Length?  Girth?  I like weight best, myself.

Have a question for Spooey that might or might not get answered, but will probably trigger some unnecessary rant?  Post them in the comments!  You have nothing to lose but the 2 minutes it took to read this tripe!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Weight... THANK GOD!  Now I know how my "handheld device" will score with the ladies!  Thanks, Spooey!  

PS.  Was it you I saw flying out of the dumpster at BK with "special sauce" on your chin?  Probably not a lot of ducks around Kzoo with a name tag around their neck...