Do I get this new-fangled iPhone 5? Most everyone I know has a ginormous Droid something-or-other, and I feel really inadequate. Is length really better than girth?
- Four inches in FallstaffDear FIIF:
First, it's common practice when addressing letters to internet advice celebrities -- like myself -- to make sure the first letters of your signature creates a word related to your subject. What is FIIF? Is that a chip in the new iPhone? Is it some Apple product code name? Is it the noise a bag of flour makes when dropped on the ground?
Why not "I Phat Horse -- Ow! Nearly Equine!" You see what I did? I, P, H, O, N, E ... iPhone! That's all it takes. If you want me to take the time to give a glib answer to your pitiful bleating, then this is one thing you must get right!
I am a star. I waddled up and down Kalamazoo and every webbed step I took told people "this hotel might be the physical incarnation of a health violation, but it's the only place the hookers can afford!" That's not an easy sale, especially as some of the hooker's themselves seemed to be a physical incarnation of a health violation and/or STD given sausage form and stuffed into spandex. I spent every night, grinding my cute webbed feet to stumps for this! You will show me respect!
What was that again? Length? Girth? I like weight best, myself.
Have a question for Spooey that might or might not get answered, but will probably trigger some unnecessary rant? Post them in the comments! You have nothing to lose but the 2 minutes it took to read this tripe!