Sunday, September 23, 2012

Count Chocula Can Die

The site Dinosaur Dracula did an article on Count Chocula.  Great.  Fine article.  I will be the big werewolf and wish my ... co-worker ... well.

Ah, screw that!  Count #$!@%! Chocula can burn to a crisp in the hellish heat of my hatred!  I'll personally be the one to put the stake in his cold marshmallow heart, and then I'll stuff his empty eye sockets with dried out Count Chocula cereal.  I'm the blasted Fruit Brute and nobody ever talks about me!

How did everybody forget my cereal?  We aren't talking about some maniac-depressive rabbit, or some compulsive-excessive leprechaun, I'm a damn werewolf dressed like a stick of fruit stripe gum!  Did they do that much work?  The rabbit doesn't even have clothes on!  I look like the contents of a trash can after Mardi Gras!  That's dedication!

You think those two cared about your saturday morning sugar bomb?  No!  Were those 2nd generation Karloff and Lugosi imitators out scaring up some villagers?  Sucking some blood?  No, it seems they were more concerned with their I Love Lucy cosplay!   What ... why is a vampire sleeping during the night?  By the way, those nighties?  Real terrifying, guys!

And for my monstrous howl, do I get any respect?

Of course not.

Hey, Frankenberry, a 13 year old girl wants her strawberry toe nail stickers back.

Hey, Count, the Scarlet Witch called and wants her head-band back.  That's funny, look it up.  Well, I mean, it won't be funny if you had to look it up, and seeing the similarities isn't really going to improve the joke.

I might have gotten a little distracted there.

Don't get me started on yummy mummy.

You didn't hear it from me, but I heard he wears woman's underwear under those wrappings.  Really, this is who they thought could push the same cereal I couldn't?

In summation:
  • Count Chocula is a registered sex offender.
  • Frankenberry has a bad crack habit.
  • Booberry uses his ghostly powers to peep.
  • Yummy Mummy is a pervert with some sort of gaping hell-mouth.
  • Fruit Brute spends most of his time and money helping the needy, and at the same time has discovered cures for many common diseases.
I'm not a saying that this information should influence your cereal buying decision, just letting you know the facts.

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