Every once and a while I run into a whopper of a misogynistic panels in a comic, usually after reading some romance comics at the awesome Pappy's Golden Age. I'm thinking I should fix them for an audience that's probably not life-long members of the He-Man Woman Haters Club.
Thank the dark gods; this is the last part for this short, but by far the most disturbing.
Remember where we left off? Our nurse intern had just gotten away from an attempted rape by the doctor. What should her next move be? Call the cops? Taser his balls until they turn a brilliant shade of ash?
5 obscuring comedy pictures, a new record!
... or just go and try to rape the patient!
I don't have words for this, which puts me, a comedy blog author, in a bind, because what happens next ...
Quick, we need to turn this turtle over before it starves!
Is the doctor and the nurse fight over who gets to rape the patient!
I have even less words for this, but I think if I dig deep, I might find some. It starts with "What" has "the" in the middle and ends with "by all that is holy I want everybody involved with this, even the person who rented out the doctor's office -- and that probably didn't know this was going to be filmed there -- to be keel-hauled naked on the flying dutchmen after it went through a field of particularly bad teenage mollusks with switch-blades."
It's Violet Beauregard, after the plum!
During the struggle, the conveniently placed tank of Nitrous Oxide gets turned on -- yes, during the struggle the nurse bumps into it and then grabs it and turns it, all by mistake. That's possible, at least in a cosmos with multiple parallel universes.
This means it's certainly possible that the nurse could have also -- by mistake -- stuck scalpels into everybody's necks and ended this atrocious short. But, no. Not so lucky. Wrong reality!
We've got another minute of people laughing like maniacs. Think I'm exaggerating? Well, feast your eyes on this abomination:
The ball tasing has begun!
Any movie that puts this image (remember: of a rapist!) at it's end deserves it's own special circle of hell, hopefully a circle at the end of sewage line for the hell beast toilets in all the other circles. Still, I don't think this image properly sums up my feelings towards this pieces that resembles a cinematic beating in a back alley.
Let's fix that.
Not MS Paint. Same skill level, though.
It's not on the video, but it's how you'll feel.
That's the end of Night School For Interns, and it's awful marching music. For some good music, visit the Cerne Giant SoundCloud widget to the right. Listen. Love it! Buy an album! Support me continuing to write about terrible nudie shorts. Wait, that's probably not the best way to get you to spend money, is it?
This is where everything gets dicey. This part of the short includes rape, and rape is never funny. Even when one actor is wearing giant rubber gloves and the actress is laughing her head off. Not funny. Depressing, goofy, and ultimately soul-shriveling, but it's still not a laughing matter.
Now on to the bad jokes!
Where is the instructions on this Aunt Jemima? My pancakes are getting cold!
Our doctor puts on some comedically big gloves after the most ludicrous examination since William McKinley's version of Where's Waldo if Waldo was a bullet. Look it up. Now come back and re-read that joke, suddenly it's hilarious!
Why the giant gloves?
This intern hasn't gotten to the "pants required" courses yet.
Why, better to rape the intern nurse with! Luckily for the doctor, this was the day the nurse forgot to bring bra, panties, pants and shoes. No pantaloons, either, but we can't be sure those were needed today.
I don't know where this interning is happening, but this can't be medically sound, certainly on a cleanliness level. Do you want to go to the doctor and know that the tongue depressors had been butted? Well, maybe, I could see that. OK, bad example.
No, that's a shadow, I didn't miss a nipple!
How many ways can a filmmaker fail? This scene is neither sexy nor scary, and it doesn't even serve as a proper user manual for the handling of radioactive breasts.
Fighting off rapist 101: Remove photo-processing gloves!
As luck would have it, part of the night school training is self-defense, and the kind that seems to be psychokinesis-based as the doctor kind of just falls off after having a glove removed. I'd like to explain this more but I'm thinking that during filming we just heard:
Director: "OK, fight back!" Nurse: "What? How?" Director: "Great, doctor, fall over!" Doctor: "Got it, chief!" Director: "Cut! Perfect! Print it! Root Beer Stand hot dogs are on me!"
Sleeping like a baby ... a rape-y baby.
So ends this short's rape scene. Or does it?!?!? Are you making the da-da-daaaaaaa noise? Well, cut it out. This piece of crap isn't worth it. It goes even further down the rabbit hole next, and it's not a very nice rabbit hole.
Here we go. Buckle in and get those drool cups ready. With this post, we go from slightly creepy to uber-creepy, with a dash of menace. Note: After the next installment, this one will look positively quaint. I don't know if that's a warning or a sign to get under the desk and pray to random gods for salvation. They will not listen.
Just saw her own haircut in the mirror.
Our creepy lesbian nurse intern -- honestly, watch this movie to see what every crazy misogynist thinks lesbians are like -- gets our patient to disrobe. She is very, very upset about this. As it turns out, that's not a dress, but red, welted scar tissue that is being ripped off. It explains how anybody could go outside dressed like that.
Why, that's not disconcerting at all!
As this sexy undressing is happening ... wait, did I use the word sexy there? Sorry, my mistake, I've reviewed too many of these shorts. I meant as this "like a vivisection of a boil on Satan's testicles" undressing, our doctor gets in a little creepy peeping action.
He seems quite excited. I could only imagine that he'd have a grand mal seizure if he saw a woman that actually had an appealing haircut other than one that looks like somebody glued a furby pelt on her head.
Yes, the hideousness of that haircut is something I can't stop mentioning!
OCD alert: Fix the slats on that shade!
Bad sign your doctor is a pervert -- if he rubs his hands together and goes "hee-hee." Also, tongue depressors taste like date-rape drugs.
Who put the serial killer in my nudie film?
As the doctor begins his examination, it's time for the intern nurse to do a little lewd and somewhat sleepy leering. Maybe she got into the tongue depressors?
It's nice to see her really open up the craft of naked lady spying. She's done away with the previous -- and it seems wholly unnecessary -- element of stealth, and basically just hangs out in the door frame. Bravo, scary stalker lady. Bravo for blazing a path that all creeps can follow!
I obscured it, but it's a stethoscope ... not a milking tube.
The examination, obviously, centers on the breasts, and not the real medical mystery -- how she can survive with that terrible haircut.
By the way, bravo to the whomever did the costumes (read: nobody.) That doctor's uniform is 3 sizes too small. It's that kind of attention to detail we deserve in our make-a-quick-buck nudie shorts.
Don't forgot to open another tab and play the video of this short's "music." Without it, what's left of your withered soul might find a small comfort in the silence. With it, you'll feel a piece of the dark, dank sewer this short sprang from, in lively march-able form.
Oh-oh, here she comes, she's a man-eater!
Our video starts with the titular (I can't help it, it's the right word) intern looking up at something with lust. Here comes the first of many unanswered questions with this review. How do I know it's lust? Admittedly, it looks more like she's pondering if it'll be spaghetti or meatloaf tonight. But it is lust, I know ...
... even though it will become harder to accept that when you see the object of said lust ...
It's the newest fashion, amoebas in Jell-o.
With a haircut that would only look good on the 5-week-old bloated corpse of a monk, this slouching mess is going to be the nude part of this nudie.
I can feel all of you racing your cursor to the window close control.
Remedial art class in the land of the damned.
Our real clue to the intern's lust is that she's not only staring at the woman in the chair, but drawing a naked woman. Yes, second question. How do I know it's a naked woman and not a poor sketch of Beaker from the muppets?
A very good question. One I don't have an answer for. Time to move on!
This actress pulls off the ultimate combo -- sleepy sexy!
Being a late 60s/Early 70s Nudie Cutie -- I can't find very much information on this thing, it's as if people don't want to say they made it or even saw it, surprisingly -- it treats all lesbians like sex crazed rapists. Luckily, there's also a man in this short, who is also a sex crazed rapist, so you can't actually say the movie is misogynist.
So dumb it would lose a game of checkers to a brick, yes. But misogynistic, no. Er ... yea?
Here's our doctor. Sort of a cross between Dick VanDyke, Jerry Lewis, and something I want to punch.
Our players are in place. What happens next? I'll give you a hint: Rape set to the music that they use for marching drills in hell. Everybody is heady with anticipation!
We will get back to our normal posting -- posting that makes you feel like you've been dipped in a sewer used exclusively by hippos not getting enough roughage in their diet -- but I want to let my readers know -- both of you -- that Cerne Giant's album is now released.
A lot of rock, some punk, some metal, and a bunch of catchy songs. And a video!
The album is live in a number of stores and streaming services:
Word of mouth is our only way to get visibility, so if you like this, please post about it on any social media you have. Mention it to people who might like it, recommend it to music blogs. Like our FaceBook page! I think I've run out of self-promotional ideals!
I'm pretty sure -- or maybe it's wishful thinking -- that I have at least a couple regular readers. Here's where I lose them.
Title card by the Escher Antelope.
Night School for Interns is, as you could probably surmise if you've read this blog before, a 60's nudie film. It's later period, so there's some pubic hair, but absolutely no sex. What it lacks in sex it makes up in leering. And rape as comedy. Editing by Tommy, the blind, deaf, and dumb boy who could play a mean game of pinball. Oh, and this:
This music plays under the entire 10 minute short. It sounds like a mix between something Darth Vader would force choke a general too and circus music composed by the inmates of an insane asylum. For the full effect, listen to it on a loop while reading this review. Make sure you first sign over your life insurance to me. I suspect some of you won't be making it out alive.
For bonus points, try to make love to somebody while this music is playing. Nothing says sexy like an anthem for storm troopers!
Let's check the credits.
Grandpa, I drew a picture! Hang it on the fridge or use it in your movie!
"J. Tanenbaum." Tanebaum is German for Christmas Tree. So we are looking at J. Christmas Tree, or, J. Christ.
If you aren't an atheists yet, the fact that your computer didn't just get hit with a lightning bolt should tell you something.
The less said of the rosy-cheeked demon with a flower of blood for a hat and fingers for a neck, the better off we will be. A warning: if you are already horrified over this ghastly art, then you might want to turn back before part 2. It gets worse. First, though, more credits!
Ha ha ha KILL ME NOW.
Oh, look, nobody wants to put their real name on this thing!
Finally, a brown with the right shade of puke!
More comedy names. I know what you are thinking, "I once ate a mint at camp, caught a carp by hand, and did something shameful to myself behind the tent." Well, that and "how do you know these are fake?" Easy, there's a credit for screenplay. There's nothing in this universe that will convince me somebody typed or wrote down what happens in this movie. That could be used as evidence in court.
Sgt. Pepper's, the Bee-Gees version.
Those aren't rosy cheeks, those are a virulently form of VD.
Take this perusal of the opening credits as something like a disinfectant spray and body condom before we dive into the very rancid meat of this movie. Again, remember, that music above plays the entire time. And it's not the worst thing about this abomination!