Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween 2012!

That's it for my first Halloween Countdown!  31 posts, some good, some bad, some so hideously terrible they seemed birthed from the very bowels of some hellish demon elephant, and some that take an awful lot of prior knowledge to even get how awful the joke is.

Tomorrow, the decorations come down, but tonight ...

It's All Hallow's Eve, Devil's Night!  Happy Halloween everybody, thanks for reading this blog and come back for more.  Lots of fun planned, and I can't wait for next Halloween!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Halloween III - 2012

What would happen if John Carpenter had written Halloween III in 2012, with it's modern sexy costumes?

Happy, Happy Halloween
Happy, Happy Halloween
Silver Shamrock!

Monday, October 29, 2012

CSCoCC 14: Dual Death

Here is the final story in my scans of the long lost 1950s horror comic Count Skully's Crypt of Convenient Coincidence #14.  This story is well known as one of the greatest endings in all of pre-code horror, if you exclude all other publishers and the complete run of Little LuLu and Casper.

Also included is the single page pin-up to round out this great, long lost treasure of comic art!

Click to vampire or werewolf size:

And the Countess Skully pin-up, surely graced the walls of many teenage boys in the 1950s!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Speak of the Devil 8

Every weekend on the Halloween 2012 countdown, the lord of darkness himself will give out hellish brimstone nuggets of advice in a feature called:

Speak of the Devil

"The bastard had it coming" never goes over well in a jury trial.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Speak of the Devil 7

Every weekend on the Halloween 2012 countdown, the lord of darkness himself will give out hellish brimstone nuggets of advice in a feature called:

Speak of the Devil

No matter how much the guy that lives in the box in the alley way -- who muttering about the government bees in his head -- argues, no matter how much he claims, no matter how much he complains that it is true, there is absolutely no candy to be found searching his urine soaked pants.

Well, not candy you'd want to find.

Friday, October 26, 2012

The Shining II

For Halloween 2012, a great, underrated horror movie everybody should see:

Some reviews:

"The re-imagining of Danny's emerging ESP powers as a giant cyborg death bunny with laser eyes was a stroke of genius."

          -- Greg Hardy, St. Louis Herald

"Needs more boobs."

          -- Fred Olen Ray, directory of Evil Toons

"This movie so throughly ignores the source material and is so full of look-at-me directing tricks that it's sure to spawn decades of navel-gazing conspiracy theories!  It's as if they dug up Kubrick himself to direct!"

          -- Frank Marts, Denver Tribune

"Movie good!  Fire baaaadddd!"

          -- Frankenstein

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Spooey's Worthless Q&A 2

A special Halloween Edition of Spooey's Worthless Q&A, where readers asks questions of a cartoon duck whose moral compass spins like a wheel flying off a '73 Mercury Comet, and who has about as much stuff in his head as that pumpkin you just carved.

Dear Spooey:

I'm trying to decide on a sexy witch costume for Halloween.

 My boyfriend is really pressing for choice C, but I dunno.  Can you help me choose?

- Wicked in Wichita 

Dear WiW:

I just want to point out that if not for the requirements of my parole I wouldn't even consider getting down in the muck with you common people and your inane questions.  Frankly, nobody can really prove somebody who doesn't wear pants is a flasher, it's not possible, but the judge -- who obviously has something against ducks who like the ladies -- seemed to disagree.

I digress.

You should immediately get down on your knees and pray to whatever god the dirty rabble like yourself pray to for that man of yours.  It's few women who have a man of such refined tastes.

There isn't a sickly green color or wart to be had between A and B.  Can you imagine the quality of their flying monkeys?  Probably a bunch of flea-covered squirrels with popsicle stick wings cruelly stapled on.

Note that "C" is the classy costume.  I know this because the ol' ball and chain keeps yaking on that I don't know the difference between "classy" and "slutty."  Screw you woman!  You see, I know!  Get off my case and let me live my own life!

I digressed again.

Have a question for Spooey that might or might not get answered, but will probably trigger some unnecessary rant?  Post them in the comments!  It's embarrassing when I have to text people to get questions!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

More Improvements For Charlie Brown's Costume

As last time, Charlie Brown's DIY costume leaves a lot to be desired.

By the way, is that a rock or just a old, gray muffin?

Let's see what kind of improvements a little work can do:

70s Burt Reynolds

Line-Feed Printer Paper

General Custer

Sprite From Video Game Custer's Revenge

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 9

Our single ladies business model doesn't seem to be working.  Nobody is calling our lovely ladies, and I'm beginning to think it might have something to do with advertising on a blog with 3 actual readers.

I'm the kind of woman men are seeking, I'm 36, 26, 36, 52 (tail length.)  I have both black and blonde hair because colorist in pre-code comics couldn't be bothered to do their job properly as they had cocktails to drink, wives to berate, and children to ignore.

I'm looking for a man that can hold open doors, and that's not just dating site boiler plate, my tail gets caught in doors all the time and hurts like hell.  Of course, get used to it, because one night with me and your soul will be basting in it's own oily juices in the all consuming furnaces of hell.

Did I say that out loud?

I meant our love will shine like a bright fire.

So please give me a call!  My number is 5 candles at the points of a chalk pentagram.

Monday, October 22, 2012

CSCoCC 14: A Meal To Die For

Continuing out scans of the long lost 1950s horror comic, we present another putrid slice of slop from Count Skully's Crypt of Convenient Coincidence #14.  Story and art by the top professional rabid squirrels in pre-code comics.

Click to bake up:

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Speak of the Devil 6

Every weekend on the Halloween 2012 countdown, the lord of darkness himself will give out hellish brimstone nuggets of advice in a feature called:

Speak of the Devil

Chicken soup for the soul is, sadly, not a recipe book.  I wasted a lot of money on carrots, potatoes, and souls of the damned.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Speak of the Devil 5

Every weekend on the Halloween 2012 countdown, the lord of darkness himself will give out hellish brimstone nuggets of advice in a feature called:

Speak of the Devil

Waiting in the meat aisle of your local food store with your pants at your ankles and screaming "Sausage, half off" at the top of your lungs seems to be both inappropriate and a health violation, neither of which the cops look kindly upon.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Evil Toons

Here we are again, with something special for Halloween, a horror movie!  Finally, I get a break from the 90s T&A films!  I can't wait to watch...

... a 90s T&A horror film.  Oh, to live in a world where my every hope and dream isn't crushed to paste like my spleen under the pummeling fists of the exploitation business.

Let's do a thought experiment.  You're Fred Olen Ray, and today is the day you aren't embarrassed enough by being Fred Olen Ray to get out of bed.  You're filming a T&A horror film, and you need a shocking image at the beginning.  An image that all audiences will remember and -- this is the important part -- won't come to represent something totally different 17 years into the future.

Probably not the best place to make my "o" face.


Yes, David Carradine, er, "stars" in this picture, if by "stars" means he's first in the credits, and not that he spends 90% of the movie peeping, pulling up his cloak, and then zipping behind trees like some type of perverted Dracula (I'll have to check to see if Hammer studios already did that one.)

The real stars are our lovely ladies, b-movie actresses, soft-core porn starlets, and Cinemax screen star Artie Johnson.

Artie's ability to pick roles: Very interesting ... but stupid.

Yes , Artie Johnson is in this movie, as is great character actor Dick Miller.  As for the real stars, it's the T&A of our T&A movie:

Hey, you on the right, stop looking at the camera!

Gee, I wonder who will be the survivor?  It's almost as much of a puzzler as why Dick Miller hasn't shaved the back of his neck, and what that could possibly mean for voluminous mountain of fur that is surely on his back?

Here's where the movie starts to go off the rails.  The movie is full of nod nod/wink wink in jokes about horror movies, but then goes on to just follow those same clich├ęs.  This is like delivering a commentary on sexism during a strip tease.  By the way, there's a high concept burlesque act for the taking!

Our heroians are hired to clean this haunted house, and they don't take one step in without the one on the right spitting out the most clunky line of dialog I've heard in a while: "Long history of mayhem and madness, pretty strange unusual and weird things have happened here."  She delivers the line like she's straining to remember it, which I have to give her a pass for because there seems to be no relationship involved in that jumble of word soup.  It has to be hard to memorize, just like memorizing to stop looking at the camera!

Now, since the script writer ran out of random words pulled out of a hat and forced through the mouths of actresses, we get to the the inevitable out of nowhere strip scene:

I'm lucky this radio from the 40s plays stripper music!

I didn't post this to get hits (yes I did), but to point out that after this comes the most perposterous thing I've ever seen in one of these films.  They try to get the dowdy one to strip, but she runs off embarrassed by her own body.  The actress playing this part?   Penthouse Pet, 36D packing, big hair b-movie scream queen Monique Gabrielle.  Who then spends 2 minutes looking at her own naked body in the mirror, seemingly disgusted.

I re-watched that scene 5 times just to be sure.  I'm that dedicated to the craft of faux reviews.  Really.

Look, I'm willing to believe evil cartoon characters from the necronomicon are real before I'll believe anybody that looks like Monique Gabrielle can be ashamed of their body.

This isn't the movie I wanted to be in!
I can't believe my agent mixed up Evil Dead and Evil Toons!

The totally not a rip-off from Evil Dead -- even though they specifically mentioned Candarian demons, but in this movie they are Kandarian not Candarian demons, so it's totally different -- this book brings forth our evil toon.  Yes, toon.  Singular.  Damn you, opening titles!

[Side note: How come nobody has though to create a sci-fi horror con called Necronomi-con?  Somebody get on that!]

He's so cute!

OK, this is fun.  It seems these movies haven't left every part of me shriveled and dried up, and I can still feel a slight tinge of joy!  Our little furry (wait, no, bad use of word, nobody get any ideas) catches one of the women being sexy, and suddenly the movie stops ripping off Evil Dead and begins ripping off Tex Avery:

That Red Hot Riding Hood is really something!

This is great fun, and if the movie continued on in this vein, then I'd really be entertained.  So, obviously, do you really think that will happen?

It's nice an actress with such an overbite can find work.

Of course the hell not.  Animation is expensive and this is a T&A film and most of the money is spent on body waxing, so after 54 seconds (I counted) our evil toon disappears (he reappears at the end for an additional 14 seconds) and we are replaced with evil sexy lady.  So, Evil Toons is neither Evil Toon(s), nor even Evil Toon, but just Evil Teeth.

Evil Teeth, my favorite Danish Black Metal band.

This means the titular Evil Toon is in 0.01% of the movie.  This means the movie is 0.01% animation, 5% Carradine peeping, and 94.99% boobs with a sprinkling of butt.  It seems a bit unbalanced in the peeping.

Of course, we're not done lifting until we get the old Scooby-Doo joke about sitting on a something scary:


Eek!  A slightly bloody Dick Miller!  Who know's where he's been?

People die, nighties are ripped, more dumb jokes are made, and David Carradine stops peeping long enough to kind of, half-heartedly, with the least gumption he can manage, save the day.

Again with the "o" face!

After all the yucks forced laughter polite titters, I do have to say I appreciate Fred Olen Ray.  His movies might be crap, but he turns them in fast, cheap, on time, and probably always makes a profit.  He's a modern day Roger Corman, and you have to give him a bit of credit.  I'm still going to slap around his movies so hard that they will be convinced that gravy is a color.

I'd like to dedicate this review to my pal, Dave S.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

A Plea to Mother Russia

Every time my hits go way up, I begin to believe the impossible dream that I actually have followers.  Of course, the axe of reality comes down, chunks me into greasy kibble and throws my severed limbs down into the well filled with referer spam from Russia.

Of course, while Russia brought me the single most important thing in my life ....

... it also brings me great pain.  Oddly, those two things are the same!  I kid, I kid!  Put down that rolling pin!

Where is FEMEN in all this?  Referer spam should be what they are protesting!  The radioactive eco-disaster at Chernobyl?  Prostitution slavery in the Ukraine?  Unfair treatment of women in Russia?  Bah!  Mere trifling things!  Referer spam is the most insidious evil out there, it is the most important cause that must be fought for!  Now, with that all important censoring to create a tenuous connection to Halloween for this post, we'll get to the proper protests!

... and one more for you primitive screwheads ...

Nice boots.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Greta Ghoul's Halloween Soiree

Greta Ghoul: Welcome, minions of base evil!  It's time for my annual Halloween Soiree, hosted by your lime green mistress of mayhem, Greta Ghoul!

Greta Ghoul: Tonight I've only invited my best, most cherished, and chalky-ish white friends.  Nobody else allowed!  And I want to stress that statement does not mean anything, there is absolutely no foreshadowing of any unexpected guest at all on Halloween!  Halloween stories never include foreshadowing!

Sadomasicist Nurse: Ah, what a lovely night this is.  The wolves howl in the distance, and men around me howl at the application of my nipple clips.

Nothing could ruin this night, and again, foreshadowing is definitely not allowed!

Big Brained Wonder Woman: Salutations my pearl-hued female friends!  I have perused every publication of the literary publication Cosmo, and have untold numbers of party planning tips and other festively enumerated lists so we can maximize our All Hallow's Eve entertainment.

I have also invited a colleague who needs to consume vast quantities of inhibitory liquids.

Shadow Weaver: Ugh, Hordak has been pawing me all day!  I really need to wipe the thought of him leaning over me until I can smell the meatball sub he had for lunch and discover just how bad his bathing habits are!  It's either booze or an industrial strength sanding from a power tool.

Big Brained Wonder Woman: Certainly, it seems the the ratio or men to woman is unevenly distributed!  Cosmo tells us that this is a detriment to party cohesion.  There exists an easy solution to our intractable conundrum!  I have request the presence of a male specimen!

Hitler Wolf: Whoa ... that last party was a real sausage fest but this one is a real casaba fiesta!

Shadow Weaver: *sigh* Industrial strength sanding it is.

Grandma: Did I hear sausage mentioned?!?!?!  Woo-hoo!  A wolf!

Greta Ghoul: Luckily, I'm too dark to be depressed and too emo to be disappointed.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Sexy Halloween Costume Fail 3

It's as if there's nobody at all from costume shops reading this blog.  Hasn't anybody taken my advice?  I've given it freely and with all the hubris I can muster!  Isn't that enough for you people?

What's next?

Sexy Viking?  Sure, Vikings brought terror during throughout Europe, but it wasn't by forcing you to spend $258.95 on a costume that more resembles a well armed fur trader than a vicious Norseman.

What can we do to fix this?  To make it ... more Viking.

Give them both a Viking funeral and welcome them into the arms of the Valkyrie.*

* note: All norse mythology learned from Thor comics.

Monday, October 15, 2012

CSCoCC 14: CheeseBlood

Up next in Count Skully's Crypt of Convenient Coincidence #14 is another slimy story in the shadows of ... er ... slime.  Written by a brick and drawn by two old buttons, a piece of string, and a bent paperclip.

Click to cheese up:

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Speak of the Devil 4

Every weekend on the Halloween 2012 countdown, the lord of darkness himself will give out hellish brimstone nuggets of advice in a feature called:

Speak of the Devil

Don't make the same mistake I did: if you enter a drag race, the one with the name RuPaul before it is the one where you wear a dress and heels; the other drag race is full of exhaust, half beer/half pretzel vomit, and a bunch of guys who think you look real durn pretty in that dress.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Speak of the Devil 3

Every weekend on the Halloween 2012 countdown, the lord of darkness himself will give out hellish brimstone nuggets of advice in a feature called:

Speak of the Devil

When sinning, remember that it's not the size of the ship, nor is it the motion of the ocean, but is, in fact, the port of call.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Improving Charlie Brown's Costume

Not a good effort, Charlie Brown.

This shouldn't be that hard, with a few alterations, we can vastly improve his rock to candy ratio.  Let's see what kind of simple fixes we could make to update this costume:

Ghost of Anime Lady

Ghost of BooBerry

Ghost of a Sexy Cat

Ghost of Kurt Cobain