Thursday, October 31, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 31

Day 31

Happy Halloween to all my readers, all of whom I know by name.  There's Carl, the transient I pay $1 a day to read my blog on his imaginary iPad made up of a pizza box, and then there's Sandra, who is just all around imaginary.  She's also my girlfriend.  From Canada.  It's true, I swear.

How do we end this month of jerk skeletons, most of which were startlingly rape-y?  Skeletons with boney hands clutching and tearing at the clothes of buxom women?

Why, the only way we can:

With sweet, sweet revenge!


Happy Halloween, everybody!

See you next month when this blog returns to reviewing strange 60s nudie shorts and even stranger heavy metal videos, plus putting bad jokes into the mouths of cartoon characters nobody remembers.  You know, the same old crap.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 30

Day 30

Stark, terrifying horrors lie behind the closed door!  Will you venture to meet the unknown?


Well, that solves that problem!  I'm not opening that door!  The only thing that scares me are skeletons, but the door is locked so they can't get me.  Why, the only way anything bad could happen is, if, by some unlikely coincidence, it's a ghost skeleton.

What's are the chances of that?

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 29

Day 29

What's a nice skull-faced vision from hell like you doing in a place like this?

Yes, I do see the snake.  Oh, I see, you've already got a date.  Fine, I didn't like you anyway!  There are many other green, skull-faced women in the graveyard!  You'll see!  You'll see!

Hey there!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 28

Day 28

Hmmm, so these jerk skeletons are having a hard time nailing this monster into his coffin.  I wonder why?  Let's plot the fall of the hammers:

Note to self: Do not hire skeletons to build a bookcase.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 27

Day 27

This Fuller Brush salesman hasn't had a sell since 1924 and he's getting a bit desperate.

How does this all work, considering the universe we live in and not one whose basic building block is jello.  The skeleton's right arm would have to be connected at the elbow, and who, again, discounting a universe of pushy skeletons, shoves open the door with the hand opposite the door handle?

Oh, wait, I know, a world where the doors have no handles.

Ferrell Publishing, where no art went back for mark-ups, ever.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 26

Day 26

"Save me, spooky font NIGHTMARE title!

I can be safe, if only I can reach The 7 WEIRD TALES of the MAN-MACABRE!

You know, maybe this isn't that bad, I mean, they are being very careful and tearing in only the right places so I'm not exposed, but, I wonder, was it really a wise idea to visit the cursed graveyard in my tissue dress?

And, frankly, the zombie on the right has really nice hair!"

Friday, October 25, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 25

Day 25

This skeleton is at a ritzy Vegas establishment that features strippers, and the devil back there is about to start the dance of the seven veils, and I'm going out to hopefully find enough cough syrup to blot that image out of my head.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 24

Day 24

No matter how much the other skeletons snickered, this skeleton loved to act out elaborate sex plays with his real doll.  While her blank expression wasn't all that appealing -- and night gowns cost a pretty penny -- at his advanced age it was the best he could do.

At least it entertained the hell out of Pervert Rooster Satan™.  Keep looking, you'll see him!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 23

Day 23

The woman seems less worried about the skeleton and more about his boney fingers smearing her copious amounts of make-up.  Already he's smudged her eye shadow -- "Nuclear Blue Sky" -- across the right side of her face, and somehow rubbed her lipstick off into the very air molecules.

The guy with the torch really hates women with too much make-up, and there's going to be a shootin' to fix that problem.

The skeleton?  He's more into a slight bit of rouge in "Vegas Neon Violet." 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 22

Day 22

Worst speed dating ever.

Two additional points:
  • "Easy Living?"  Was sloth too cerebral?
  • The monsters seem to be arranged by number of teeth.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 21

Day 21

That is the most surprised look I've ever seen an artist give to a rat!  It's a masterful piece of emotion, its like the rat has discovered that is wife just ran off with the rat milkman and took with her the moldy pretzel combo that was surprised rat's pride and joy.  He was saving that for the annual plague holiday!

You know what the rat is thinking: Didn't he mark everything with enough urine?  Weren't his ears pink enough?  Sure, he had two nostrils on the same side of his head, but that's no reason to leave him!

Our chained man has about had it with the skeleton, but honestly, it's his fault, who gets in a weight loss competition with a skeleton?  And expect to win?

Hell, even the rat isn't surprised by that!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 20

Day 20

Look, please stop skeleton.

I don't want to eat horse meat.  I don't care how nice your presentation is, this isn't Chopped, and I'm not eating any damn horse.

One of the little jockeys?  Well, I do feel a bit peckish.  Maybe a nibble!

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 19

Day 19

Another night for Jack and his beer belly, another intervention by the skinny people.  Jack's not going to switch from chicken wings to green sprouts, no matter how freshly dug they are, or because of which of the 62 shovels he owned was used to do the digging.

He's got suspenders -- problem solved!

Though, someone else needs to intervene on watering that plant.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 18

Day 18

The politicians continue to argue but none of them has the courage to face the real problem in America -- the terrible over-crowded skull housing problem.

Sometimes families of up to 6 or 7 zombies ... plus their zombie pinhead pet "little rufus" ... live in the squalid conditions of one skull, where the winter winds howl through the various missing teeth.  They are in such pain that usually the only wish a dying (again) zombie has is to be able to hang at least one arm out the nose hole.

If you can help, please locate a skull by finding a book that has only scribbles in the top left corner and give everything you can, money, clothes, blankets, brrrraaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnns.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 17

Day 17

Harry's attempt to build a porn empire hit an unexpected speed bump when the agency misunderstood his request for a woman that "could take it all off."

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 16

Day 16

Interesting programming note:  When I first embarked upon this idea of a month of pre-code skeleton comic covers, I was a little worried about this becoming a bit too rape-y.  Silly me, as it turns out, I didn't need to be worried at all...

Oh come the hell on!

Here we have another example of the comic phenomenon: sticky boobs.  No matter how much a dress is torn, it always manages to stick to the breasts.  Even if there's absolutely nothing holding it up -- something the mummy and his jumbo-sized roll of masking tape is attempting to fix -- the dress just refuses to follow any laws of physics.

Just like the arm clamp.  Explain to me how that works, and while you are at it, explain how one side of the table is curved and the other isn't.  Explain how the rope works on her left side ... is there a hole in the table?  Explain the artist's resume -- "good at leggy dames, mummies, and bondage."

Why is she so scared?  Its obviously tape and not bandages covering that mummy.  One good yank and it'll be on the floor howling in pain.  Take that opportunity to kick it in it's mummified testicles.  It's what rape mummies deserve.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Monday, October 14, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 14

Day 14

It seems the burial regulations in Dogpatch, Arkansas, aren't very strict.

Daisy Mae is caught by yet but another pair of rape-y skeletons, though this time in nice slacks.  They are attempting to bury her about -1 foot under, evidently in the children's sandbox next to the graveyard.  Good for the kids in those long, boring services for their grandparents whose house smelled a bit like tapioca pudding covered in sawdust.

Another Halloween tip from the parade: If a witch who has obviously murdered Mickey Mouse and stolen his hat asks you to "not hesitate to join our little party of the tormented" and then laughs maniacally ... you should hesitate.  Long enough to run.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 13

Day 13

This skeleton made an absolutely terrible tooth-fairy, but he seemed really, really happy in his work.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 12

Day 12

Skeletons are sore winners.

What really makes this jerky is his crazy winning demands.  First, she has to completely shave off her eyebrows and can only put them back on with an extra thick permanent black marker.  Secondly, she's required to wear a boxing mouth guard.  Finally, she has to replace her normal hair extensions with gold colored springs.

Nerd note: Her king is already in check, so the skeleton moving the piece is really a screw-you type move.  Ha!  Now you are in super duper check!

Also, is the board resting on her breasts, or is she playing from a hole in the ground?  Farrell seemed to not only be publishing "Tales of Horror and Terror" but also "Tales of Wacky Perspective."

Friday, October 11, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 11

Day 11

Damn, Wonder Woman comics have gotten weird.  She's going to use her magic lasso to find out once and for all why Steve Trevor won't give her a date, even though she worked hard to loose all that weight!  And this time she's not believing that lame excuse that he has "Big Red Hand" disease.

Hey, Dr. Death, if you want us to read your comic, how about you not present it as every page being "loaded with the touch of death."  I know it makes me a bit of a snob, but I have a shopping habit where I avoid all products that have a star-flash graphic with the words "new, improved, and loaded with even more death!"

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 10

Day 10

The skeleton seems like a jerk, but he missed a golden opportunity.  After the woman said "Ohh ... he's going faster ... faster!" he should have merely said "I bet that's what you say to all the boys."

At least we now know what the skull of a diner plate looks like.

By the way, imagine the steering wheel is a mustache.  Can't un-see it now, can you?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 9

Day 9

Overly aggressive and unwanted hugging.  Bad, but more awkward than jerky, really.

But ... who's the real jerk here?  Maybe Thor and Ben Grimm might want to rethink their concept of personal space and try to be more in harmony with others; try giving just a little warmth to another person and/or that person's inside structural support.

Seth, though, what an ass.  Walks into every room bellowing "So Speaks Seth!"  Nobody wants to give him a hug -- and, frankly, those metal pants have ruined a good sofa or two.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Halloween 2013: Skeletons are Jerks: Day 8

Day 8

Laugh it up, jerks!

Sure, it might be a funny prank to setup this wedding and then reveal the groom to be another jerk skeleton, but look at the costs involved:
  • Cool monochromatic monk robes
  • Casket rental
  • Bulk Purple Ghoul-aid
  • Sumptuous feast of miniature fruit and single chicken bone
  • Wedding Dress (can't return as it'll be drenched with fear-bladder-draining pee)
The groom skeleton seems concerned for his bride.  The bride seems concerned that this isn't at all the table setting she requested.  She distinctly remembered it having less chicken bones.  My big day is absolutely ruined!