Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema": Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

This blog demands that I do a real review, for somebody named Karswell.  Feh!  Whatever!

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Former, and probably future, Larry Flynt nude model Cassandra Peterson (Elvira, better know as "Vampira blown up with a bicycle pump") stars in this 1 1/2 hour Benny Hill skit ... just without the funny old bald guy or the typewriter missing the "H". I wanted to like this movie, but I was frightened by something large -- no, huge -- Elvira's eyelashes -- the biggest I've seen this side of a muppet.

This movie's message is as bold as Elvira's neckline; it presents us with a new theme for the modern age: Gone are the black and white hats signifying good or bad, it's breast size and makeup application for good, lack therefor of for old, crotchety, witch-burning town folks.

This movie features a cast of B-TV actors that I haven't since re-runs of Petticoat Junction and who I wish I could have tied to the tracks of the Cannonball Express.  These actors play a group of uptight citizens of a modest New England town. Their biggest problems -- their daughters want to wear makeup. Enter Elvira, playing a top-heavy Kevin Bacon ala Footloose, breaks the town out of it's stupor and, at the same time, conquers an evil warlock and reveals her love-interest nemesis to be wearing falsies. Gasp!

Who says modern women can't have it all?

Inheriting both a delapadated haunted house and ancestral witchy powers, Elvira earns the disdain of the local warlock who turns the town-folk against her in his bid to capture the magic book now in Elvira's possession. Luckily, the rest of the movie is spent on close ups of Elvira's breasts -- and, in a farm-fresh plot twist -- her butt.

I'm more than boobs!  Actually, not to go all analytical nerd on you, but (ha!) I suspect this is a stunt butt, as it's right before a back flip.  I've watched too many of these movies.

Into this creeps our screenwriters (including Cassandra) who decided to go for groans more than outright comedy. For instance, Elvira gets hit in the head by a falling sign. Her love interests asks her "How's your head" to which she replies "Nobody's complained yet."


This movie is full of laytex. Before you get excited and rush to iTunes let me tell you that this is the kind of laytex covering puppet monsters.

I never liked the more risqué episodes of the muppets.

The ending features some silly gore (dismemberment) and even sillier one-liners. Elvira manages to stay both in her bouffant and dress as she's beaten silly by the warlock -- and slowly tears her skirt down to the bare essentials throughout the fight. I do have to hand it to Elvira -- it has to be hard to concentrate on showing off your gams when a warlock shooting flames from his mouth is chasing you -- but darn it, she's just that kind of lady!  It's that fine dedication to the craft that makes this movie great!

Note that this film makes the most dangerous of mistakes -- it shows scenes from a much better film -- and then compounds the mistake by making fun of said better film. Yes, I understand that most people do not get Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, but for the dark lord's sake, Cassandra can be funny, you think she'd get it.

Here's a handy guide:

The follow-up is called Elvira's Haunted Hills.  Haven't seen it.  Waiting for Elvira's Demonic Domes, or Elvira's Monstrous Mountains, or Elvira's We Get It Already.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Mr. Jinks Top 10 List

You, like, uh, know the drill!

Top 10 Failed Perfumes

10. Moldy Drywall
9. Mustard Gas
8. Space Age Spunk
7. Hacking Cough
6. Wet Hot Dog
5. Jasmine Jinks
4. Chemical War (Smell up the entire office stairwell!)
3. Big Giant Robot (Japan only)
2. Monkey Melons
1. Per-flume: Log Ride to Good Smells!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Broken Leg Skeletor Reaches Bottom

So, let's recap.

My right leg is shattered.  It feels like somebody is attempting to shish kabob my patella.  Panthor, my battle-cat-sans-rip-off animal, is attempting to eat my right arm.

Battle-cat, companion of my mortal enemy He-man, is attempting the same on my left arm.

Now Beast-man is attempting to consume my left leg, and probably filling my normally sexy man-meat hammock with wiry orange hair.

I patiently wait the next catastrophe to befall me.

Oh great.  Orko.  Orko!  I suppose my broken leg shall become your brunch?

Er ... uh ... do you think Evil-Lyn likes me.  I mean ... likes me ... you know.


Couldn't you just eat a leg like everybody else?

Monday, February 20, 2012

Broken Leg Skeletor Still in Trouble

Stop snorting on my face and get eating you foul cats!  You will choke on Skeletor's gristle!

So what else could go wrong today?

Broken leg: check!

Stalked by two hungry cats: check! 

What is that noise?  I hear somebody coming ...

Beast-man, my faithful minion!  I'm saved!

Oh for crying out loud!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Savoire Faire is Lonely

Savoire Faire, here at speed dating, looking for a sucker romance to fleece spend time with!

Who's next?  Let me see .... iiiiieeeeeeeeee!

Greetings, French Rodent!  I am Big Brain Wonder Woman!  My likes are discovering large prime numbers!  My dislikes are the tyranny of hat sizes!

Er, uh ... er .... are ... you rich?

You are an interesting partner with interesting questions!  Big Brain Wonder Woman thinks she might be compatible with you.  To answer your query, no, I have no money.  For some reason, while I am infinitely qualified for any job on this planet of tiny brained mortals, nobody will hire Big Brain Wonder Woman.  I think they are discriminating against my mode of attire, the one piece patriotic swim wear.

Oh, look at that, times up!

That is incorrect.  We still have 52.6 seconds left.  I can convert that to microseconds if it makes it easier to understand.  Now it is your turn to inform me how you feel about life, and I am especially interested in your position on tiaras.

Savoire Faire is everywhere, sadly, including here ...

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Mr. Jinks Top 10 List

Hey there, like, another list!

Top 10 Grammy Tributes

10. Hats off to Boy Band Svengoolies!
9. Typhous: The Musical!
8. Lookin' Round and Round: The "Where's Ratt?" Story!
7. Pac-man Fever: Still Burning!
6. You got an dance major?  Ha ha ha ... no, really, dance?
5. Band Fight Yell-a-thon!
4. Bass Players: Who are they?
3. Hold on Loosely: The Power of Repeating Choruses!
2. Tribute to Tributes!
1. Foreigner or Bad Company? A Musical Puzzler!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Ariel's Advice is Not Working

Ladies, ladies!

It seems none of you followed my previous advice because I'm completely swamped with barbarians!  I'm telling you, it sounds like a dream but my couch smells like Ben-Gay and there's Mok hair everywhere!

What does it take to shape you ladies up?  Isn't there enough beautiful skin-tight leather-wearing magical princesses out there to take some of these hulking piles of muscle off my hands?  Yes, I know a lot of you thought you were that, but you're not 5 now, are you?  Barbarians rescue 5 year olds, they don't date them!

Take yesterday, I'm having lunch with Tyar the Barbarian, and suddenly Uulta the Barbarian shows up, seems he left his Sea Sword at my house.  Then, Tyar, the idiot, puts his Flame Sword next to it and the whole house fills with steam!  I rushed both of them out of there and said I don't want to ever see them or their flea-infested not-wookie Moks!

The nerve!

So, ladies, get on the ball.  Please!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Red Hot Riding Hood's Grandma on Valentines Day

Who-hoo, hot-cha!

Hey there internet young people!  I know some of you folks have problems picking up a date because you're face down in your iGameDroid whats-it, listening to all those beeps and boops instead of the sound of a racing heart!

Wait, is that my heart?  Where's my pills!  Wait, no, wait ... false alarm!

Just a drip in the old sink.

No, not that sink, but if you play your cards right, there might be a gusher flowing over these white cliffs of Dover!

Anyway, what are you doing still here?  Stop looking at the TV thing-a-ma-bob and get to woo-ing the wolves, or, if you are a wolf, get to woo-ing me!  Skip the flowers, perfume, and chocolate -- I'll provide the slightly dry kindling and you provide the fire!

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Cursed Spook Walks Among Us!

Once more you step into my eerie crypt ...

OK, I have to be honest with you.  My heart's not in it today.  Yes, I know you stepped into my eerie crypt and that should count for something, but, frankly, I've had a run of bad luck.

My car broke down.  Yes, it happens to everybody, but I just had a major repair done only a month ago, and I don't really have the money for this.

Worse, my girlfriend has been acting real strange, and yesterday she met me by saying "why can't you be more like Dracula, now that's a real monster!"  I think she's seeing somebody else.

I'm sorry to push all my troubles on you, but ...


I have fooled you!  The curse is still on!  You have been given the curse of having to feign pity for somebody else even though you're a self-centered jerk!

Suffer, foolish mortals!

Friday, February 10, 2012

Girls Night Out Plus One

Hey girls!

What's happening?

Nothing much.

I've invited a friend to come along!

Greetings.  I am Big Brain Wonder Woman.  I know we shall have ludicrous amounts of quality entertainment.  Thanks to my incredibly evolved mind, there is no song which I do not know the words too, therefore, there is no Karaoke bar in which we can not find much suitable enjoyment.  I can also calculate the key, beats per minute, and which model of drum machine was used.

If we instead formulate plans to go to a bowling establishment, I can quickly generate the probabilities of strikes, the correct shoe size (big brain and not big brained), and how old those pretzels are in the refreshment stand.

New Rule: Evil-lyn doesn't get to invite friends anymore.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Mr. Jinks Top 10 List

Mr. Jinks here, with like, a new job!

So, like, here's my topical top 10 list!

Top 10 Meat Substitutions in Fast Food

10. Spirit Gum
9. Pop Rocks
8. Wood tacks
7. Wood ticks
6. Wood
5. Barnacles (scrapped off of salty ships)
4. By-products of meat by-products
3. Barnacles (scrapped off of salty pirates)
2. Theatre floor sweepings
1. Peeces of Meeces

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Isis Checks Wikipedia

Let's see what wikipedia says ...

Uh, Isis married her brother?  And then reconstructed him from parts scattered across the earth?

Well, that's disturbing!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Broken Leg Skeletor's Problems Increase

That He-man packs a punch!

Arggghh!  My leg, it's broken!  What am I going to do?

Yes, my fateful companion, Panthor!  I'm saved!

Wait, Battle Cat?  What are you doing here?  Why are you both looking at me like I'm some sort of wounded animal ...

Uh oh.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Offices are Hell!

No job is full of more intrigue then a desk job.

I have to have special food.  Does that surprise you?  It shouldn't, because it's pretty darn obvious that I have a trap for a jaw!  You would also think it was obvious to the people I work next to, day in, and day out, at the accountants office.

Does it seem like I might need special food, Debbie two cubicles down?  Or Frank, across the hallway, or George with the office?  Do any of you have a trap for a jaw?  No, no you don't.  Frank, your slight limp from playing tennis last week does not count.

My food needs to be run through a blender multiple times.  It needs to be strained through 3 different types of meshes, and let me make this part very clear, it's sealed up tight in a plastic container of which "THIS BELONGS TRAPJAW" is written in 48 point bold comic sans.

That's right, comic sans.  Don't tell me you didn't notice it.

When I find out who's eating my food, human resources or not, my hook arm is going right up their butt.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Hordak Starts a Business

Hordak grows tired of evil.

It seems the spigot of SOPA money has been turned off for Hordak.  It seems the entire internet -- nerds all of you! -- get a might bit testy when somebody threatens to take away your toy so they can make mountains of cash.  The corporate dump trucks stopped rolling in around last week, and Hordak thinks he should probably invest what's left in some type of business.

Hordak has always liked fishing!  Hordak shall start a boat business, selling exclusively oars!  Hordak shall take the first syllable of his name and then put it together with "oar" to create a business name that is sure to bring in ...


What?  Really?

Maybe Hordak goes back to evil.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Ghost Busters Discovery

The ape I can understand ...

... but why a zoot suit?

Vi still want to know vhy the guy is called "Kong" and the ape is called "Tracy"!

Some smart ass wants to get run through the ghost dematerializer?

Ve be good!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Zombie Unhappy In Love

We need to talk.

Honey, you're my man and I love you, but you are too thin.  I'm telling you this for you own good.

A man can only be attractive when he's got some weight on his body, and some extra mass on his brraaaiiinnnnssss.  Being thin is no good; you don't feel right to hug and, frankly, you run too fast.

No, please listen.  I'm telling you this because I love you and your braaaiiiinnnssss!

I think a week or two of heavy eating and lounging around will solve this problem.  Feel free to sleep on my couch (the one with the straps); you are safe to close your eyes and not be on high alert.  Being stressed just makes you lose weight, so leave the shotgun and/or axe at home!

I love you, dear, and I only want what's best for your brraaaaiiinnnnssssss!