Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema": Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

This blog demands that I do a real review, for somebody named Karswell.  Feh!  Whatever!


Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Former, and probably future, Larry Flynt nude model Cassandra Peterson (Elvira, better know as "Vampira blown up with a bicycle pump") stars in this 1 1/2 hour Benny Hill skit ... just without the funny old bald guy or the typewriter missing the "H". I wanted to like this movie, but I was frightened by something large -- no, huge -- Elvira's eyelashes -- the biggest I've seen this side of a muppet.

This movie's message is as bold as Elvira's neckline; it presents us with a new theme for the modern age: Gone are the black and white hats signifying good or bad, it's breast size and makeup application for good, lack therefor of for old, crotchety, witch-burning town folks.

This movie features a cast of B-TV actors that I haven't since re-runs of Petticoat Junction and who I wish I could have tied to the tracks of the Cannonball Express.  These actors play a group of uptight citizens of a modest New England town. Their biggest problems -- their daughters want to wear makeup. Enter Elvira, playing a top-heavy Kevin Bacon ala Footloose, breaks the town out of it's stupor and, at the same time, conquers an evil warlock and reveals her love-interest nemesis to be wearing falsies. Gasp!

Who says modern women can't have it all?

Inheriting both a delapadated haunted house and ancestral witchy powers, Elvira earns the disdain of the local warlock who turns the town-folk against her in his bid to capture the magic book now in Elvira's possession. Luckily, the rest of the movie is spent on close ups of Elvira's breasts -- and, in a farm-fresh plot twist -- her butt.

I'm more than boobs!  Actually, not to go all analytical nerd on you, but (ha!) I suspect this is a stunt butt, as it's right before a back flip.  I've watched too many of these movies.

Into this creeps our screenwriters (including Cassandra) who decided to go for groans more than outright comedy. For instance, Elvira gets hit in the head by a falling sign. Her love interests asks her "How's your head" to which she replies "Nobody's complained yet."

ARGHHH.

This movie is full of laytex. Before you get excited and rush to iTunes let me tell you that this is the kind of laytex covering puppet monsters.


I never liked the more risqué episodes of the muppets.

The ending features some silly gore (dismemberment) and even sillier one-liners. Elvira manages to stay both in her bouffant and dress as she's beaten silly by the warlock -- and slowly tears her skirt down to the bare essentials throughout the fight. I do have to hand it to Elvira -- it has to be hard to concentrate on showing off your gams when a warlock shooting flames from his mouth is chasing you -- but darn it, she's just that kind of lady!  It's that fine dedication to the craft that makes this movie great!

Note that this film makes the most dangerous of mistakes -- it shows scenes from a much better film -- and then compounds the mistake by making fun of said better film. Yes, I understand that most people do not get Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, but for the dark lord's sake, Cassandra can be funny, you think she'd get it.

Here's a handy guide:


The follow-up is called Elvira's Haunted Hills.  Haven't seen it.  Waiting for Elvira's Demonic Domes, or Elvira's Monstrous Mountains, or Elvira's We Get It Already.

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