Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema" 3

Does reviewing movies on this silly blog count as work release?

Alright you ninnies!  Sadly, I am never asked to review "The Great Bikini Off Road Adventure" or "The Bikini Car Wash" or "The Bikini Atoll!"  These are films I might actually watch!  Instead, I can only watch modern trash -- like in this installment -- something called "The Gray."  Something which I have absolutely no intention of watching!

Now, I know this color.  It's a good color ... the color of steel.  Something I've made many a death cannon out of, and the color of the smear that will be left of Underdog after I hit him with the beam!

Gray is also the color of cement, the cement I shall encase Underdog's dripping gray corpse in when I throw him into the dark, gray depths of the ocean!

That, or more likely, the color of the outer ring of the black eye Underdog will hand me.  Being a scientist, I predict the probability of that being within 99.9%.

Gray is now, also, the color of my mood.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Big Brain Wonder Woman Solves Problems

Greetings, puny-brained un-evolved mortals!

With my gigantic brain capacity and my tremendous mental powers, there is no problem I can not solve.  I can compute the gravity of black holes.  I can discover the true secrets of dark matter.  I can plumb the depths of eternity and answer the questions of life and death.

There is only one thing that befuddles my vast knowledge.

I can not, for the life of me, find a tiara that fits!

Friday, January 27, 2012

FangFace Needs a Favor, and Quick!


Hey, FangFace here.  I hate to be a bother, but is it possible I could hide somewhere in your house?  Is there a loose board somewhere?  In a closet?  Anywhere?  I'll even take room under your bed, but please, oh please not on top of it!

Woofy!   Woofy!  Oh woofy, come here and let's put that slobbering maw to good use!

You didn't see me, I wasn't here!

How much are tickets to Brazil?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Mr. Peevly's Blog Update

Mr. Peevly, with a blog update.

It seems the hits on specific posts double whenever the content is about some weird woman named Teela --- from 2 hits to 4!  For this blog, that's an avalanche of biblical proportions!

Who is she?  Is she some sort of strange post-apocalyptic warrior women?



Why would I ever watch a show called He-man?  I have a mirror and it's much cheaper then cable!

Honestly, I just think this blog should try to ...

Hey!  What's going on over here?  All this talk of "hits" got me thinking of getting, you know ... more comfortable ...

No shame.  Hits, but no shame.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A Design Oversight

Boss, how are we going to get all this gold out of the country?

We are going to form the gold into a giant ... well, mammoth, really, car!  Then we'll drive that car in an race -- a race which we will use as cover to sneak the gold out of the country!

It's genius!  I have one question, though ... have you thought about monkey proofing?

What?  No, we have not monkey proofed the car.  What possible reason would anybody monkey proof anything?

Better to be safe then sorry!


Next time listen to me!

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Return of the Cursed Spook

You dare return to my eerie crypt of darkness?

Has your earlier torment not been enough?  Have you come here begging for this curse to be lifted?  Shall I grant this boon?  Let this be my answer:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Do you hear my voice?  Do you feel the chill of the grave?  Your curse continues!

Did your prime rib come back well done when you asked for medium, and then you passive-aggressively arranged your plate to maximize the mess?  The curse!  Did you hear the opening theme of Sweet Child o' Mine, only to find out it's the Sheryl Crow version?  The curse!  Did you reach into your wallet to pull out a $20 bill and instead pulled out the gummy remains of a melted candy?  The ... actually, that's kind of harsh ... CURSE!

Continue to suffer the curse of the mildly inconvenienced!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Consoling Shadow Weaver

I don't know what to do, I need the job ...

... but that Hordak treats me like a piece of meat!

It's alright dear, things will work out!  I mean, look at me!  I am forced to show my radiant face to the world full of barbarians clamoring to date me!  Beauty like mine, hardly ever seen in this universe, is an incredible burden!  It weighs heavily on my gorgeous shoulders as I choose what barbarian or wizard will pay for dinner in an exclusive post-apocalyptic restaurant tonight!

Not helping!

Friday, January 20, 2012

An Anti-Genetic Engineering Argument

From ... 1930s something ...

Good lord above and dark one below, what am I?

A fox mouse?
A bat dog?
A glove wearing monstrosity?
A sign you should stop taking PCP before getting on a street car?

"We'll show those guys at Disney a thing or two, but we have to make sure they can't sue us, so close, but not close enough!"

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Hordak Supports SOPA!

Ha ha, you internet weenies!

It is I, the evil Hordak, and supporter of the SOPA!  You think your protests mean anything?  They mean absolutely nothing to me and even less to a lot of rich companies with a lot of money!  I've been paid enough money to keep this blog running that I can finally get Shadow Weaver those acne treatments she's been begging me for!

I mean, with that body, who'd look at the face, anyway?  Right?  Right!  Agree with Hordak!

Somebody is either getting sued for discrimination or a certain female employee is going to cast a spell to turn their hands into scorpions the moment they start "thinking" about my body ...

Those crazy chicks!  Am I right?  RIGHT???

Anyway, I shall keep this blog alive while all others go dark!  My hideous laugh is all that you shall ...




Look, the calendar's not my strong point.  Get hit on the head enough with a power sword and see how well you remember what day it is!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A Pro-Genetic Engineering Argument

1930's Cartoon Cow here.

My Pro-Genetic Engineering Argument?

The very handy rubber legs and reversible hooves.

Also, I'm rockin' the dress and glasses!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Skeleton's Frolic

Now, from Skeleton's Frolic, here's ... a cat!

... and a bat!

... and a owl!

... and a skeleton!

Hey!  Not funny!  Not funny at all!

Monday, January 16, 2012

More Criswell Predicts

Criswell predicts the future, which is important, because the future is where all of us will live ... in the future!

In times far ahead, men will no longer woo women with flowers and candy, but with a trained, genetically-engineered, bellowing flower-candy bear!  If the woman does not like the suitor, the bear shall turn on him and eat him whole!

In days to come, index cards will actually be indexed!

Soon, we will no longer require cars as the "rocket racer" roller-skating technology predicts in the 70s Spider-man comic books is finally invented!

In times ahead, squirrels shall evolve to be 15 feet tall.  They will not take kindly to anti-squirrel bird feeder technology and will go completely mental if they see one of those crazy corn feeders that spin the squirrels around.  Many old ladies will pay dearly for their amusement!

In the future, certain actors promise to stop showing up to work drunk.  Cross my heart!

Also, certainly smarty-pants blog authors might get a punch in the snout.

In the future, the only remaining sweet drink flavor shall be a nice blend of apples and oranges ... after being squeezed through a radioactive future mutant!

The future!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Teela has a Revelation

I was thinking ...

Prince Adam has a big green and orange cat.

He-man has a big green and orange cat.

Hold on!  Wait ... a ... minute ....


Where's everybody getting their big green and orange cats?  I want one too!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Mr. Jinks Still Complaining

Yeah, so, like, here we are again!

This one is, like, an important topic and we should all, be, ya know, paying attention.  You paying attention?  OK, good.  Ya see, I ...

That's it!  This has gone on way too long.  You just use this space complain in that annoying "this is what hippies must sound like" voice.  A voice, I suspect, was created by somebody who the closest he got to hippies was when he mistakenly caught an episode of the Mod Squad on TV.

On top of that, you use the space to impugn the good old fashioned racism of ancient cartoons!  I will not have it on this blog!

... uh, but ... ya know ... like ...

Do I need to remind you what happened to the Hair Bear Bunch?  Do you want to see my Square Bear rug?  My Bubi Bear pillow case?  Or find out exactly what happened to Hair Bear?  Let's say he lives on in various extensions worn by LA women.

... so, like, I guess my complaint is there isn't enough , ya know, refreshments for our hard work blog cops!


Friday, January 13, 2012

Ariel's Relationship Advice to the Lonely

Ariel here ... with some advice for the lonely.

Are you having a hard time finding a man?  I have some sure-fire tips for all the lonely ladies out there.  Just follow these few simple steps:
  1. Be a princess
  2. Be hot
  3. Wait for the apocalypse
  4. Get saved by a barbarian
Having magic powers helps, but is not required.  Having a mok around helps too, just for that "hot girl with ugly girl Chewbaca rip-off" thing.

Downsides?  Barbarians would rather put evil wizards to the sun sword then snuggle on the couch and watch Project Runway (Apocalypse Edition.)  Or hang out with their mok.  One of these days I'm going to cast a spell to turn that flea-bitten Ookla into a throw rug!

So, that's it ladies!  Well, I'm off to kill some werewolves or an ancient war machine re-animated by an evil wizard.  Not exactly diner and a movie.  *sigh*

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema" 2

Again?  Really.  The joke wasn't that good the first time, but with Underdog smashing my giant mechanic go-go gophers (a twofer of evil!) I've got some time.

This time I've reviewing TinTin.  Obviously, I'm currently in the hospital.  A giant steel robotic gopher head landed on me, so I'm not going to be seeing any movies.  I wouldn't anyway, but this time I actually have an excuse.

Shocked, right?  You people never want to think about the aftermath of Underdog smashing through a gigantic robot gopher, do you?  Well, let me tell you: the aftermath is fifty tons of screaming metal landing on the noggin of a bad Boris Karloff imitation!

So, TinTin.  A good metal, for sure.  I've build many a death ray out of it.  Thought about building the go-go-not-a-good-ideal-gophers out of it, but have you seen the price of tin lately?  Recycled aluminum was a better bet, and lighter too.  My spleen is certainly happy about that!

Now, get lost, I have recuperating and plotting to do!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

TrapJaw's Simple Winter Message

Remember "A Christmas Story?"  

Yeah, I love that film too.  Remember the part where the kid gets his tongue stuck to the pole?  I know, great moment.  We all love that.  Beastman wouldn't stop talking about in the corporate break room.  Funny.  Ha ha.  Funny.

Please note that I basically have a piece of metal welded to my face.  My tongue rests there.  24-7.  Frozen in a block of bitter ice ... like that last piece of chicken you have to carve out of the freezer with a pick.  The exact same thing I have to do with my tongue every night!

Not so funny now, is it Beastman?

Are you going to keep laughing, kind of creature-of-the-black-lagoon type guy?  What's your name? Whatever.  You're just a temp.  I'm head accountant.  I'll be laughing at you when your time is up, or at least will be after I pour this hot liquid into my jaw to get my tongue unstuck.

Ha ha ha.


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Ghoul Fight

Girls, Girls!

Please, your haircut went out with the hippies ... and it probably smells like somebody set Woodstock on fire.

Really?  Really?  This from the woman with a 1950's beehive?  What's holding that up, popsicle sticks and rubber cement?

You think those faux librarian glasses make you look smart?  Too bad those glasses are on a face with a chin that's used to test jet landings!

You leave me no alternative ... would you like me to mention the movie those clips come from?  The joking werewolf and mummy duo?  Criswell's cue card catastrophe?  The dancers???

.... touche.

Monday, January 9, 2012

The Plan Comes Together

Boris and Natasha here ...

Natasha, did you hear about this blog?

No, darlink, is mooske and squirrel involved?

No, no, my little Russia Fatale!  This blog's main referrer is a Russian link referral spam porn site!

Ah, darlink!  Our plan comes together!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Savoire Faire's Business Proposition

Savoire Faire -- I'm everywhere -- with a business proposition.

My brother, Favoire Saire -- totally not a made up name -- has gotten very sick.  He had a very bad flowbee accident ... his hair will never be the same ... and his vacuum cleaner isn't doing so well either!  I desperately need money for his hair transplant, but my bank accounts are all tied up by that Klondike Kat of the insufferable mounties!

I need 20 thousand dollars, pronto!   If you can loan it to me, in exchange, I will pay you back twice that when my funds are unfrozen.  This should happen conveniently right after the operation is complete and/or your check clears and/or I disappear into the frozen north.

All I need to accomplish this is:
  • You bank routing numbers
  • Any and all passwords you have
  • A list of which windows and/or doors in your house don't lock properly
  • Is that real silverware or the fake stuff?
Thank you for helping out in my time of need!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Girl's Night Out

Shhhh!  Orko here ...

Just spying on the hot ladies of Eternia as they have a pajama party!


So, for a million dollars, would you sleep with Grizzlor?

What?  Ew, no!

He smells like a wet dog wrapped in a moldy rug, I know, I have to sit next to him at our weekly evil conference.

What about Buzz-Off?

Are you nuts?

I already did.  For free.

What?  Yuck!

Hey, it's tedious waiting for Skeletor to come up with another sure-to-fail-overly-convoluted scheme!  I was bored, and at least he's not Orko!

OK, yeah, you got us there.