Saturday, June 28, 2014

Pulped, Part 1

A new series where we take a quick look at some pulp magazines, with the required snark.  Thanks to The Field Guide to Wild American Pulp Artists.

Before Stella went to college, she was warned to stay away from the Hookum Skull.  Many a virtuous young women was drawn into the evil and sinful world of heavy eye-liner by said skull.  She scoffed, how bad could the Hookum Skull be?  Surely, one draw from the skull of one of those big-headed aliens from Star Trek couldn't be that bad ...

Well, maybe you should ask Stella now.  Where is she?  She's down by the river cleaning her food in the water with her raccoon paws.  There's not enough eye-liner in the world to fix what's wrong with her now.

Note: If "Seabury Quinn" is a real name I'll eat the Hookum Skull myself.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

The K-Tel No-Tell, Part 4

I think I've over-stayed my welcome at the K-Tel No-Tell.  The staff keeps aggressively turning over my bed -- while I'm in it.  Also, it's a bit subtle, but I think throwing mints at my face and screaming "take your damn mints and leave" might be a hint.

So, with this, we leave the K-Tel No-Tell and on last round of sex-sells album covers.

When the chick in the bikini hits the ground she's going to break an ankle.  A sexy, sexy ankle!

Let's take a look at the guy in the lower left, whom from now on will be forever know for his spectacular head of helmet hair.  Look at the wondrous pile of shag, a never-fail drain-clogging lady magnet.  Since this is obviously a German release, David Hasselhoff should be a little worried.  It seems Germany will soon have another hunk of man to swoon over!

Damn it, K-Tel has hired me to paint an album cover -- and I haven't gotten to the part of art class about drawing hips and thighs!  What can I do???  Wait, Mountain Dew yellow paint is on sell by the gallon bucket?  I'm saved!

Ah, the days before photoshop.  So, this woman is very attractive, but you know that today it would be sent back.  "Lines on the legs!  Hair on the arms!  GHASTLY!  I almost threw up on my dodge & burn tool!"

Regardless, this woman deserves a ton of credit for using the Flying Nun's hat as a bikini bottom.

What the hell is this?  Yet but another generic sexy K-Tel cover.  I don't feel like researching, so I'm just going to take a wild guess that this is:
  • a disco band
  • with a pun name taking off on a famous Who song
  • that does a disco cover of the Pink Floyd song Money
Ah, comedy, where you can string together a bunch of nonsense and have it be funny.  I mean, that word soup can't possible be real ....

Hellllllooooo Lady Godiva!

So, she forgot the saddle and her clothes, but somehow remembered the riding crop?  Unless that is meant to represent something -- but then I was raised in a cardboard box in the back of a Catholic orphanage and if I ever even acknowledged the existence of women I was thrown into a dryer with ball bearings for 2 hours, so, nope, means nothing to me!

So, with Love and Kisses, and probably a bucket of sugar cubes and one embarrassed horse, we bid farewell to the K-Tel No-Tell.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

The K-Tel No-Tell, Part 3

I'm not sure how to tell this story, so I'll just start at the beginning .... I went to the K-Tel No-Tell with a beautiful women, had a drink, then suddenly passed out ... when I awoke I was in a bathtub full of ice with a note saying "find a doctor."

When they did X-rays, they found out that somebody had removed my dignity.  Jokes on them, after years of this blog, that's basically a vestigial organ!

On to more sexy K-Tel covers.

It seems there was some sort of weird science going on in Italy.  Examine the evidence:  The guy at the top left looks like a damaged clone grown from the cells of John Travolta mixed with a big, fat melon.  The woman in the bottom left looks like the result of putting all the Bangles into that machine from The Fly.

We even having living pictures, the woman on the far right looks on in fear that the strap is going to break and her last breath will occur buried in boob.

It's only non-stop because this poor woman has passed through some kind of Bermuda Triangle-like vortex and all her futures and pasts are merging together into the time stream.  Well, all her futures and pasts that include diaphragm-high short-shorts.  The time stream's no fool!

Kill it!!!  Kill the giant!!!

Katy, you kick it, and at the same time I'll stick my head up it's butt!  If that doesn't work, then it's on to Plan B, where Julie and Karen back us up with interpretive dance!

Quick gut reaction, from left to right:
  • On Meth
  • On Ecstasy
  • About to boil your bunny.

Jo Soares -- if wikipedia, the fountain from which all knowledge and crappy high school reports comes from, is to be believed -- tells me Soares was an observational comedian, talk show host, and jazz player.

I'm hoping this album came from his comedy side, because I'm pretty sure a snobby jazz album based around the story cycle of the big giant, rosy playdough butt that made Jo content wasn't a huge seller.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

The K-Tel No-Tell, Part 2

Step back into the K-Tel No-Tell, and whatever you do, do not turn on a black light.  It's better to not know.  If it's still sticky, just imagine the people before you were eating maple syrup covered pancakes in bed.  It's better for everybody involved, including the health department.

"The hamburger I ate was this big and I feel like I'm going to let loose out of both ends!"

Granted, I'm not a big disco guy.  Chic, I know, but the rest could have hit the dance floor under a neon sign and I would have still go "hunh, who" and "can you really heap cocaine that high?"  That said, "The Night People vs The Boys Town Gang" was one of my favorite 50s horror films, though the sequel, "The Night People Go To Lime Spargo" was pretty lame.

I'm not lighting the fire of any woman with 8 feet arms.

Again, I have to wonder about the people -- yes, I'm being generous here -- that designed these cover titles.  The dual flames weren't good enough?  The high-shine liquid-gold metal font wasn't enough? The gradient drop shadow wasn't enough?  Where does it end?  One more odd font choice -- like the Y crossing under the M -- is the way madness lies.

The rough translate of the phrase above is "Songs that Get Under Your Skin."  What, no!  That does not seem like a pleasant listening experience!  I want the songs that I listen to, not ones that invade my body like a million sonic ticks.

Here we begin a mini section of broke-back poses, a comic concept where a woman is bent in such a way that you can see both her boobs and butt. This is probably the best a real woman could do, even when moaning either in ecstasy or because the cold medication just kicked in.

The beautiful constellation broke-back.

... but this is truly a lost opportunity, as we don't have a full butt.  At least the artist made up for it with the expertly illustrated nipples through her aluminum foil top.

I might have to start paying attention to sports.

This is, obviously, the Ritchie Family, a disco group put together by the same producer who put together the Village People.  The group had a revolving line up of female singers, none of whom were named Ritchie, and went from elaborate disco costumes to more traditionally sexy costumes.

Remember, this is the disco era.  Everybody went to bed with everybody else, and everybody had a water bed.  Please, remember to leave the cleats at home!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The K-Tel No-Tell, Part 1

For some odd reason, potentially from a really bad deviled egg I ate last night, I briefly flashed back to the early 70s and my mom's 20 Top Hits record.  This record contained both "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" and "Ring of Fire" on it.  Now, I know you are thinking "Well, that's a strange juxtaposition of songs" but really, it's not.  After you hear "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" you want to sit in a ring of fire in hopes that your agonizing death will erase the memory of that song.

Trying to figure out the actual name of the album, I searched the K-Tel site.  While I'm no longer sure it was a K-Tel release, what I found while looking through the K-Tel site was that it used a lot of sexy covers to try to sell crappy music to people.  That sound's right up this blog's alley, so without further ado, here's some sexy K-Tel covers!

Hey, a sexy, half naked woman is smiling at me and motioning me over!  I can't believe my luck!  This day is the best day .... what?  What did you say?  You want to make sweet love to me?  Oh My God!  I can't believe this.  This day is just awesome!  Wait, what, you want to do whatever I want you to do?  I ... I am so happy.  This is incredible!

And, you want to make love to ... a Billy Joel song.

Uh, well, I mean, thanks, but I've got to wash the dog.  Or something.

Ran out of jingling keys to distract toddlers with?  No problem: Use the shiniest album cover ever!  Guaranteed to distract toddlers, but don't use near a major freeway or the reflections could blind drivers.

Damn it, Sherri, if we are going to live in the jungle you can't keep stealing the thatched roof for your crop-top!

You can see some ad executive just going nuts over this.  "It's not tropical enough!"  "You've got the flower, right?  The lei?  What about the cliché tropical drink?  The bikini?  Damn it, man, it's still not enough!"

"Wait, I know, how about Siegfried and Roy next to her crotch?  Yeah, that does it!  Perfect!"

Couldn't find yellow short-shorts in 1972 because of the great run on neon-yellow hot pants?  Now you know the reason why!

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Unknown Comics, Part 6

Do you know that Craig's List once put up it's own comic to advertise using Craig's List for hook-ups?  It's true, but, it seems to not be working for it's intended purpose, that is, unless you're into the goofiest looking giant spider you've ever seen.

(click to enlarge!)

Thanks to the scan from Four Color Shadows.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Unknown Comics, Part 5

Another page from the comic version of the HGTV show Love It or List It has surfaced, and somehow this minor blog has managed to get ahold of this very important part of comic history.  That should, in no way, at all, bring any suspicion as to how authentic this is.

(click to enlarge/read!)

Sorry Canada.  You have a nice country, aside from the aforementioned polar bears and Loverboy!

(Thanks to The Horrors Of It All, where this scan came from!)