Sunday, July 29, 2012

Hordak Wins Gold in Business

Hordark: Hordark sees gold in dem der hills!

Hordak: Did you like Hordak's rustic miner imitation, and how Hordak has an idea about making wads of cash off the Olympics, and mentioned gold as an allusion to the medals they hand out?

There is not a single bone in Hordak's body that isn't constantly pushing out grand money making ideas like the one Hordak will be presenting to you.  Not a bone in Hordak's skull, nor a bone in Hordak's stylish bone hoodie, is without ideas!

So, let Hordak cut to the chase.  Olympics.  Woman's volleyball ...

Shadow Weaver: Watch it ... I have H.R. on speed dial ...

Hordak: What?  Hordak hasn't even presented his incredible ideal and you're already threatening to go to H.R.?  Hordak is, again, the victim here!

Hordak would kindly note -- and this is only regular work place team building -- that Shadow Weaver could stand to learn a thing or two about how to dress from the woman's volleyball team!  This might make the office a wholly more palatable place, and improve moral and productivity!

Skeletor: The life of an H.R. assistant is never dull.  I wonder what the trouble is ... sigh ... Hordak.

Hordak: Fine!  I'm trying to help!  Next time there's a team building exercise don't invite me!

Skeletor: You're not invited!  You're not allowed since ... the incident.

Hordak: Not my fault!  Next time, be more specific when the exercise is to "point out employees best features!"

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Big Brain Wonder Woman Explains the Higgs Boson

Class is in!  You ruffins and ne'er-do-wells in the back, please place your posteriors into their respective butt recepticles and listen to my lecture!

Undoubtably, many of you lower-evolved primates know, the Higgs Boson has been in the news with much frequency.  Of course, many of you have gathered more thoughts about TV personalities than exciting quantum mechanics, and Big Brained Wonder Woman stopped watching the juxtaposition of video and sound signals as soon after they cancelled Petticoat Junction.

Big Brained Wonder Woman still keeps informed of the various strings of fate that make up the tapestry of our world, getting most of her world event data from the website The Huffington Post.  It seems the world is overrun with the deadly infection called "side boob."

Maybe Big Brian Wonder Woman should try this "side boob", then maybe her male counterparts on the faculty staff no long run in abject terror from her whenever hugging is mentioned.

On what path of informational knowledge was I on?  Oh, yes, the Higgs Boson.  Completely useless for creating interpersonal relationships that seem all the rage with the younger set these days.  As an example, I was talking to Sherry in the lounge and she remembered another emergency to get to (something about her feline choking on a rodent bone) instead of making casual conversation about theoretical particles and boys.

Being that I have total recall, I also know that her feline has had it's wind pipe clogged with a variety of objects this week.  She should find a way to better distribute the items in her environment to stop this from happening, and I will mention that next time I can get a word in between the shrieks.

It seems the time has passed faster than I imagined, but this is only an illusion as time is constant in this frame of space.  We'll pick up where we left off, on the Higgs Boson and my tiara crushing loneliness!

Read chapter 5 for tomorrow!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Greta Ghoul on Oddities: San Francisco

Greta Ghoul, queen of the slithering demons of the underworld, is really, really pissed!

Have any of you seen Oddities: San Francisco?

The goth woman, Wednesday Mourning?  Wednesday Mourning?  Come on!  That's me!  She stole my identity!  First off, I ripped off the Adam's Family first ... and mourning?  I wake up each "morning" to the "mourning" of the lost souls who's painful torture is connect by barbed whips to the very black mass of beating evil that is my heart!

She wears a wig and has a black parasol!  That doesn't count!  Not even close!

It takes a lot to piss me off but she's getting there, and she doing it riding the ten ton tank which is her cute looks and mysteriously good knowledge of history!

I suspect Cool McCool is behind this!

And I'm odd!  Very odd!  You don't need to go to some strange dude with a beard hiding in some extra smelly tent in San Francisco surrounded by craft projects from the Leatherface collection!  I've got bones!  Some even in my body, other's on the mantle, even others that construct Ghakadon, my dark skeleton guardian of the abyss!

Again, does Wednesday Mourning have an abyss?  I don't think so!

This has ruined my entire summer, and since half of America is on fire and I can imagine that every huggable and fuzzy forest creature is a current blackened ball of burnt fur, my summer was going pretty good!

Science Channel, I expect residuals soon!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 6

More hot ladies who are attractive, single, and probably cursed.  Beggar's can't be choosy!

Hey, guys, are you looking for a beach babe?  How about a hot girl that runs around in a bikini?  Would you be turned on by the sight of a stacked piece of lime jello being set on fire?  If you answered any of these questions "yes", or "no", or just a random set of numbers and grunts, then I'm the woman for you!

We'll take long walks on the beach and swim out near the outlets of the nuclear power plant.  We'll spend lazy nights lit by the eerie glow from my irradiated skin.  You can stare into my thin, super-model like face -- no baby fat here!  Or fat.  Or skin.  Or anything biological that hasn't already turned into a putrid pool of radioactive yellow goo and dripped down my body.

My hot bikini body!

Let's concentrate on that!

I should also note that I have a real sense for fashion.  Prints are in, wigs constructed of dried out twizzlers are in, and my pipe connector bracelet ($3.42, Ace Hardware) is the height of couture fashion!

What I'm looking for in a man is somebody with a high tolerance for radiation poisoning and/or a level 5 emergency contamination suit ... and a kind soul with a song in his heart!  Or a geiger counter.

Saturday, July 14, 2012


A quick detour from the general loquacious silliness I post here: look at these screen shots and read the captions in a Bela Lugosi "I'm hypnotizing you" voice:

You want this!  Blah, blah!
You want to pay 99 cents for 20 levels of fun! (Do crazy hand gesture)
Click now!  Don't think!  Click!  You are under my power!  You can not resist!

This is my game, Scruffy3D, available for iOS (iPhone 4 or iPad 2 or better), and OS X (any modern machine.)  99 cents!  The cost of about 82% of a donut!

Click on the links in the "Games I Made" section, off to the right.  Tell your friends!  Post to Facebook!  Spray paint on a famous monument!  Create a nano-virus to alter people's DNA so they constantly talk about Scruffy3D!  Call up the great Lovecraftian beasts that sleep in the dark corners of world and/or app stores.

The count commands you!

Seriously, for people to find you game, you need word of mouth.  I'm hoping my 3 readers will start that chain reaction.  Thanks for listening, next, back to silliness!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Stripping through the Graveyard: The Orgy of the Dead Mega Review, Part 10

What is this?  Read this: Simon Bar "Cinema": Orgy of the Dead

10: The Fluff Dance

Black Ghoul Introduction

All others were but infinitesimal bits of fluff, compared to her!  This one would have died for feathers, fur, and fluff ... and so she did!

Ed Wood Crazy Talk Grade: B-


There's no monster theme here, it basically a standard 60s burlesque routine.  That said, the stage hand Werewolf and key grip Mummy really seem to be enjoying themselves!  They can barely hold each other back, and Criswell seems pretty smirky about the whole thing.  I'm beginning to think the Emperor of the Night might be a pervert.

During parts of this dance, the dancer (Rene De Beau, they were bad at stripper names in the 60s) seems to be really, really concentrating.  What is she thinking of?
  • Did I twirl four times?  I can't kick if I haven't twirled at least four times!
  • There'd better be donuts at the craft table!
  • There'd better actually be a craft table!
  • That's a really pretty sweater on Ed!
  • Will Criswell share his booze?

Not bad, she's got a good set of moves, and can look good next to a ridiculous Werewolf and Mummy.  That's talent!

Closeness to Theme

She would have died for feathers, fur, and fluff, but she dances in remnants, scraps, and something Ed found in his closet.  Bonus points for having the least noticeable wig, and eye shadow that matches the panties!


Toss in the 77 Sunset Strip Theme, a high school band playing their school fight song, and a radio tuned to static into a high speed blender and set to "blend" for 5 minutes, "liquify" for 4, and finally "suck" forever.

Length of Act

Almost 7 and a half minutes of constantly wondering if fries come with that.

The Wrap Up

This dance chews up all the rest of the time, and both Criswell and the Black Ghoul dissolve into skeletons mid-victim-kill.  The Werewolf dies in a strange tick bath incident, and the mummy is pulped and recycled into cheese cracker packaging.

No, not really, they turn into skeletons also.  The skull from the Mexican dance can also be seen lying around, making four bodies and five skulls.  Along with telling the time, math doesn't seem to be a high point amongst the land of the night.

I told you it was a wig!

Honestly, though, turning into a skeleton isn't such a bad fate in a secret world of darkness where being a skeleton gives you a leg up on picking up strippers!

Rest well, Ed Wood Jr.  You entertained us more than you could have ever imagined.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Stripping through the Graveyard: The Orgy of the Dead Mega Review, Part 9

What is this?  Read this: Simon Bar "Cinema": Orgy of the Dead

09: The Zombie Dance

Black Ghoul Introduction

She lived as a zombie in life, so she will remain forever a zombie in death!

Ed Wood Crazy Talk Grade: No, nothing going.  No grade.

Look, screw you Wood!  You've used "She X in life, now she X in death" way too much to even consider giving you a grade.  Do I sound bitter?  Well, you're damn right I'm bitter!

Let's try to improve this:

She wandered through life shunning all, never feeling nor cared to have others feel for her, never reaching out for the touch of another!  She lived as the dead rests, and forever more shall she spend eternity stripping in a leaf-covered plywood graveyard!

There, 2 seconds and I came up with something better!


This one is bizarre.  There's no other way to describe it.  The music has another abrupt shift, and the dancing is, well, zombie moves.  There's the shuffle, the strange curtsey, and the lateral circle strafe -- but mostly zombies moves -- hands up, slowly walking around.

I always felt boobs could make anything better, but here is the unmitigated proof that it is just not true.

That said, this woman has a huge stack of hair, so that earns her an extra point, and Criswell gives the best look in this whole film:

Heh heh, naked lady!


Not applicable!

Closeness to Theme

She starts out in a cute yellow dress -- not very zombie-ish -- but frankly I don't think most people would want a real zombie stripper.

(Shyly checks video collection for Return of the Living Dead.)


More sub-Night on Bald Mountain as filtered through Emmet Otter's Jug Band.  As before, there is the sudden appearance of the less spooky but more kooky piece Xylophone Falling Down the Stairs.

Length of Act

About 4 and a half minutes of boobs and remaining a zombie forever in death.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Stripping through the Graveyard: The Orgy of the Dead Mega Review, Part 8

What is this?  Read this: Simon Bar "Cinema": Orgy of the Dead

08: The Skeleton Dance

Black Ghoul Introduction

The wolf man informs me that the next one is the woman who murdered her husband on their wedding night.  Now she dances with his skeleton!

(How did the wolf man do this, by the way?  He doesn't speak!  To Ed, "continuity" probably only sounded like a cool world to use for a sci-fi picture title.)

Ed Wood Crazy Talk Grade: D
Skeleton Scores with a Stripper Count: 2


Check this list for things you might find sexy:
  • Two mounds of Jello on the hood of a truck driving down a dirt road
  • The blob meets another blob, they wrestle
  • Two naked and fat cats tumbling in a dryer
If you answered yes to any of these, then this is the stripper of the night.  Her entire act revolves around finding different ways to make her boobs shake violently.  Mimic swimming?  Works!  Signaling where the plane can land?  Great!  Epileptic seizure?  Jiggly!

If anybody wants to know what go-go dancing looked like, and how it could be made very, very silly, here's something to tie them up, Clockwork Orange style, and make them watch.  They will thank you for it by cursing you and all your descendants.


There's none.  It's the most binary, mechanical dance of the night.  Go watch a video of how pistons work in a car if you are curious!

Closeness to Theme

A plain white dress that looks nothing like a wedding dress and a veil.  The veil stays, the wedding dress disappears, much like a regular wedding night sans the skeleton, Crepe-Hair Werewolf™, Icky ICU Mummy™, Criswell's drunk smile, and the Black Ghoul's boobs.

Kind of like a wedding in Vegas.


Starts out by what sounds mysteriously like the modern "bride" music in the Haunted Mansion, and then segues* into Laugh-In style go-go music.

* Segue means "abruptly stops and suddenly starts", right?

The staring piece and the Haunted Mansion piece are pretty cliche, so it's doubtful there's a connection, but it just entertains me to think there might be, as the Disney story is also that the bride is a black window.  Bring that up with a host next time you are at DisneyLand, they will appreciate your bit of historical guess work from a low-budget blog.  Trust me, they are paid to be interested!

Length of Act

5 minutes.  The music wraps up, Criswell nods his head, the skeleton gets another kiss (skeleton's have all the luck), then ... another minute!  A strip act with a false ending!  Was this movie edited by somebody with blackouts and memory lapses, or just Ed Wood?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Stripping through the Graveyard: The Orgy of the Dead Mega Review, Part 7

What is this?  Read this: Simon Bar "Cinema": Orgy of the Dead

07: The Hawaiian Dance

Black Ghoul Introduction

Black Ghoul: With the loss of her lover, this one cast herself into the volcano's fire!

The Black Ghoul positively spits out "this one", but why?  The stripper got a bigger trailer on the set (trailers?  Ed Wood movie?  Ha!)  Wood lifted both their sweaters and blamed the other?  Fight over a wig?

Later on, after flashing some stock footage of a rattler, suddenly, the entire dance is a different theme!  Criswell plays along, but I have some concerns (in red):

Criswell: She was?
I listened to this over and over, it makes no sense, but it seems to be what Criswell has to say.  Did Wood fall over drunk and smash a cue card?
Black Ghoul: As I said, a worshipper of snakes, of smoke, and flames!
What?  No you didn't!  Don't lie to me, evil minion of the dark!
Criswell: Oh yes, a religion of sorts!
Black Ghoul: It would seem so, master!
Yes, that's the definition of the word "worshipper."  Yeesh!


Criswell: She pleases me, permit her to live in the world of snakes!
Golly, thanks, Criswell.  I'm sure she'll appreciate that more than burning to death in lava!

Ed Wood Crazy Talk Grade: A-


This woman's name is Mickey Jines and she's probably the best dancer of the bunch, and well know in the vintage erotica.  For one of the damned, especially one that was burned alive in a volcano, she's all smiles.  I guess nobody asked for their motivation before rolling the cameras!

She's so pretty she makes the mummy crackle on and on about snakes.  I'd give Ed credit here for the possible double entendre, but I'll take it right away for making the werewolf some kind of mute growling idiot who responds to everything as if he's having a problem passing a kidney stone.

I'm sorry, she's very beautiful but I just can't get over that crappy mummy/werewolf comedy team!  I just want to punch them!  I apologize, Mickey, but you've been upstaged by crap.  Welcome to the world of Ed Wood!


She's got the moves.  She can transfer gracefully from Ed Wood screaming "Do a Hawaiian dance" to "Now you're a snake!  Ssss!  Ssss!  Be the snake!!!"

Closeness to Theme

I could point out that the original costume looks more African than Hawaiian, and the flower in the hair wig and the fluffy bands kind of work, but it's all for naught as everything is just thrown out when the magic of stock footage abruptly changes the theme!


Same old clacky piano, sleazy muted trumpet, twangy guitar, and a drum line that seems to come from the Moody Blue's cover band, "Slightly Depressed Mauve."

Length of Act

7 solid minutes of entertainment, rudely interrupted by stock footage, a mummy/werewolf comedy act that came in strong on the head banging and skimped on the comedy, and Criswell giving us some kind mini lecture about world religions.