Monday, September 29, 2014

Pulped, Part 9

One more before we shambled into Skeletons are Jerks! Halloween Celebration of ... jerky skeletons. It doesn't sound nearly as fun that way.

This brings back some bad memories.  I once married a corpse, and on our wedding night, I found out she wasn't Satan's virgin.  I was very disappointed.  Also, I was disappointed by that joke, as I meant to finish it out with the author's name, Ray Cummings, but just couldn't pull the trigger on that one.


Our lass seems dressed in adhesive tape rather than bandages, and I don't think it's the skeletal Egyptians that are what's making her worried, but that they just might rip some of that off.  Less worrisome is the pig-nosed guard in the back, if he dares pull up that thorn whip it's going to rake right across his back, and you don't want to get hurt and fall down those stairs because this pyramid looks to be designed by Escher.

Follow the line of site on the woman, she's looking right at that bracelet.  "That's a pretty piece on that mummy skeleton that going to mummify me alive.  Should I ask him where he got it?"

Scan from The Field Guide to Wild American Pulp Artists.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Pulped, Part 8

31 days of jerky skeletons is almost upon us, so let's take a quick, soothing break with lurid pulp covers, so lurid that you might almost call them spicy, but you wouldn't, because that's a blisteringly dumb name.

More mystery bras!  More granny panties!  More gruesome dead guys!  And more ... BATMAN?  Is there somebody Bob Kane didn't rip off?

So, this woman has just rolled out of bed with her painted on bra and slightly misplaced nipples, picked up a 5 inch section of pipe with her medusa hair, arrived at the odd architecture of a bannister without stairs, just in time to see the hung monster corpse get sucked into the sky by an alien tractor beam.  Boy are they going to be surprised when they try to anal probe that!

Scan from The Field Guide to Wild American Pulp Artists.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Reaper Riffs, Episode 1

This week's Your Final Answer is a special episode where the Reaper decides to riff a Betty Boop classic.  There's a lot of things wrong with that previous sentence, "classic" probably being at the top.  It's actually a cartoon that has a Betty Boop cameo, while the main character's name is ... unfortunately ... Bimbo.

Now you know why I want to call it a Betty Boop cartoon!

The Reaper Riffs [Episode 1]

Tell your friends, tell you family, tell your satanic familiars and any stranger you meet on the street!  Spread the word!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Unknown Comics 13

For this special Halloween edition, a page from an unknown comic put out by a Haunted House Attraction to entice customers into it's scary confines, or else just some type of secret propaganda from a mysterious organization.  You be the judge!  Or jury!  Or executioner.  Really, doesn't matter to me!

(click to read!)

Scan from The Horrors of It All!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Spooky Stripping, Part 3

You know when you buy an old house and some fool painted over the beautiful moldings, and then when you go to strip the paint a spooky voice tells you GET OUT?

This is not that kind of spooky stripping, but it's about the same amount of pain as getting the stripping agent in your eyes and then the heat gun stuck on high down your pants.

Fire, bad, pudding face, good!

That is one piss poor Frankenstein Monster.  He's tied down with ropes that look to have the strength of very, very old spaghetti, and it's probably for his own good.  Too sudden a movement and he'll probably melt.  Luckily the melting is being kept at bay by the aquarium tank tubing.  It's not Dr. Frankenstein's lab but the fish section of the local pet store.

Magna Cum Laude at Naughty Nurse College.

Our nurse is closing up shop for the night, and yes, there was no nurse in the book or movie, but we have to take liberties here because this is a stripping film and nobody wants to see the monster with it's top off.

I suspect it'll be like looking into a pot of pudding made from 10% milk and 90% snot.

Taking off a stocking really isn't an "oh" moment.

I adore the concept of this short -- that a nurse would see that monstrosity on the table and think "it looks like it has the strength of ten men, or at least ten pudding men, and it's held down by moist twine.  I think I'll tease it!"

If only I had monster strength, then I could snap these ropes!

And the inevitable happens.  The monster realizes that he's probably going to spoil in a couple hours, so he might as well break the licorice ropes holding him down and see what all the "oh" and "ah"-ing is about.  He's going to be disappointed when it's just some goofy lady changing her stockings.


Gee, what did you expect?  Our candy stripper manages to get a sedagive sedative into the monster and he returns to that sandy stuff they make instant pudding out of.  Oh, and side note to nurse: Do Not Tease Dangerous Monsters With Your Lame Strip Tease.  Thank you.

That's it for Spooky Stripping -- for now.  Yes, there's more monsters & strippers action out there.  It's a rich vein of stupid, and I'm just the guy to mine it!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Your Final Answer, Episode 4

The Reaper gets an interesting but vague question, and uses it as a springboard to basically piss off the viewer, characters from famous literature, and somebody he really shouldn't have.

Your Final Answer [Episode 4]

As before, please tell your friends, share it, and leave comments -- we need questions for further episodes!  Like the FB page or the youtube channel to see further updates.  Thanks for watching!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Spooky Stripping, Part 2

Our next spooky stripping happens in a sprawling, ancient and crumbling castle, and, lucky for us, not by a sprawling, ancient and crumbling stripper.

It's the scariest castle on the train set.

Many a 1:87th HO scale model plastic human has met his grisly demise in that castle, or on the tracks of the quaint model railroad that runs around it.  Legends of the terror within make many a plastic human get into their slot cars and never look back.

All this hair makes me tired.

Here our pretty heroine gets ready for bed.  Her night gown is a little disheveled because her normal bedroom procedure consists of:
  • 45 minutes of hair styling
  • 1 hour and 20 minutes of lacquering the wood
  • 15 minutes of tying up the 92 curtains that make up the bed
You can see why she has little time left for night gown adjustment.

Vampire or rabbit-man?

The vampire patiently waits until after she's done buffing the banisters, his two prominent fangs and/or left-over halloween candy corn glistening in the light ...

You're using the bed wrong!

I'm always amazed when a segment in a nudie cutie film fails to live up to the most simple of goals -- a woman stripping.  Here we have a woman with restless leg syndrome rolling around on the bed for a minute, while a cartoonish vampire looks on.  It's not nude, it's not cute, and it's not stripping, and the vampire is about as frightening as The Count from Sesame Street.

It fails at all possible angles, unless you're in it for polished wood banisters.  Than it's a 4-star short!

I'm in what movie?

The vampire strikes!  The woman is left in gap-jawed fear that looks remarkably like the same look as when she was over-charged at the CostCo.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Spooky Stripping, Part 1

Welcome to the most Halloween-ie of painfully un-sex-ie and outright quaint-ie usage of words ending with "ie", as in, i.e., the missing clips from the Parade's review of Sexy Proibitissimo, all having to do with dark and scary things that go bump, and probably a grind or two, in the night.

Tonight at the Tiki Lounge: Lady with big pile of fake red hair!

Our dancer has a spider-related act, and I hope for the good of the ham sandwich I just ate that it's a goofy fake web and not spinneret's in her butt.

Why, this web is not sticky at all!

Here our lovely lady tests the tensile strength of the web, to see if it will handle the various bottles, salt shakers, tiki candle holders, and plates of food soon to be sailing her way when her act completes.  It's not that people don't like her act, it's just that she's so convincing that they think she's a real spider.  A spider with boobs.  At least that what she tells her therapist.

Do these casting shadows make me look wrinkly?

The 60s were the reverse 80s -- the breasts were real, but the hair wasn't.  Here is the moment our hot dancer regrets using the floor to enhance her sexy dance, as the floor itself was already enhanced with the various amounts of food spilled from the waiters having to bring the plates down those stairs.

This restaurant was really not well planned out.

Rod Serling and Jane Fonda!

Why this scene is in here is anybody's guess, but this couple seemed to have stumbled in from the set of an old Hawaii 5-0 episode.  Any minute now either gun fire or fists are going to break out, and somebody will end up having smuggled opium into the state by tainted hair gel.

Absolutely not a wig.

This goes to prove that no matter how classic a movie was -- the original or the re-make of The Fly, you can always find an ending that improves it!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Your Final Answer, Episode 3

Episode 3, and the Reaper uses this week's question as a springboard to show a promotional video for his rather dubious business venture.  Also feature the introduction of "The Beast" and all his banana-related problems. 

Your Final Answer [Episode 3]

Please watch, share, and comment with questions for future episodes!  Help spread the word, and maybe the Reaper will have pity on your soul, or he might just be less snarky when he drags you off to the underworld.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Unknown Comics 12

Another spooky unknown comic, this comic was a promotional item from when a manufacturer of pot pies joined up with a local spa.  I told you it was scary, didn't I?  Get ready to massage as many pot pie related jokes out of this single page as you can.

(click to read)

Scan from The Bloody Pulp.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Unknown Comics 11

For Halloween unknown comics delivers a horror themed comic about the break-up of a famous show business act whose name I can't be bothered to look up.  It's gruesome in it's detail of both the horrible fight and the terrible, oh so terrible, pun-ing.

(click to read)

Scan from The Bloody Pulp.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Your Final Answer, Episode 2

It's the second episode of Your Final Answer, and this time our grumpy grim reaper answer a question of amazing scientific consequences for humanity.  Or at least tries, except he gets interrupted by a surprising and somewhat surprised guest star.

This guest star will for sure be the talk around water coolers by tomorrow, that is if absolutely nothing exciting whatsoever happens between now and the morning.

Your Final Answer [Episode 2]

Please, SHARE and LEAVE QUESTIONS in the comments of the video, or here, or just write them on the back of a turtle and tell it to find me.  We need questions for further episodes, and with one a week for the next two months, that's a lot of ... well, just 6 more actually ... questions!

Monday, September 1, 2014

More improved Charlie Brown Costumes

Every Halloween this blog tries to think of quick and easy ways to improve Charlie Brown's relatively lackluster ghost costume.  Here's a few more suggestion.  Before trying these, ask a grown up for help, or at least the attendant in the insane asylum you are currently residing in if you are really thinking of trying any of these crappy overlaid drawings.

Brain-Eating Ameba

This is a good costume for the kids who desire a career in the CDC, or just anybody with liquified brains dripping out of their eye sockets.


That quick, subliminal face in the Exorcist makes a fine costume, sure to be admired by the 1% of the population that actually survived the trauma of seeing it without immediately erasing it from their minds.  Also, film nerds.  Or ancient Assyrians. 

The Human Charliepede

Ask you mom to help sew you friends mouth-to-anus.  You should probably find the the most convenient time to ask, more than likely, not over diner.