Thursday, November 29, 2012

Mr Peevly Prepares for Christmas

Mr. Peevly, with the current state of the blog update.

In fond remembrance of the Hair Bear Bunch, and let's just say it wasn't turkey I cooked for Thanksgiving and yes, I am indeed and thankful for the smell of fur burning into rancid chunks of coal -- coal which I'm going to put into Ranger Smith's stocking with a note "This is how you deal with trouble makers" -- I'm back with my infrequent blog updates which is definitely not filler.

It's a little light in the posts department after the once a day Halloween celebration, but I want you to think back earlier to this year and my 11 part review snark scholarly research on Ed Wood Jr's Orgy of the Dead.  Well, don't think back hard enough to remember the content, you might never visit this blog again.

Coming in December, the ... I don't know, multi-part review snark scholarly research -- okay, snark, I admit it -- on The Adventures of Lucky Pierre, a Friedman/Lewis joint and one of the first "nudie cuties."

Scandalous in the day, just kind of innocently silly now.  Like this blog, minus the scandal and the innocence.

The posts are sure to include many interesting notes, candid observations, well thought out arguments, side notes into the beginnings of exploitation cinema, stories about the careers of Friedman and Lewis, or, possibly, just a lot of Borscht Belt shtick and many pairs of 1961 boobs.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving from the Hell Mouth

Today, the gates of the Hell Mouth have swung open, pouring the very taint of evil upon the streets of New York.  Saints and sinners alike wail in agony as these horsemen of the devil himself float down the streets.

The Elf of Wickedness

This fellow is very happy to be doing the dark work of his master.  That nose isn't normally red, it is the screaming red flesh of the innocents.  The ears are terrible weapons to rend and tear all who tread in front of his glare.  The red star?  Well, OK, that's just a decoration.

Sometimes you guys expect a little to much of evil.

The Sponge of Satan

This yellow bringer of fear can absorb water and the tears of the crying souls damned to hell.  Also a snappy dresser.  It's greatest weapon is the ability to continue on producing new cartoons even when every permutation of every joke has been done to death.  Even Scooby Doo added Scrappy with less boring predictability.  See: The Simpsons.

The Moon Menace

Don't mention his terrible acne scars.  You've been warned!

The Frog of Fear

This beasts will utterly destroy all living things on sight; it baths in their blood and dines upon their entrails.  It shows no mercy for any reason; it is a remorseless killing machine.  It claims that it never associated with Elmo.  There are some things even a murderous engine of death won't do.

The Chaos Clown

Not really evil, just disconcerting.  Really, really likes Circus Peanuts.  Always invites himself to parties.  Hits on his friend's girlfriends.  You know the type.

Monkey of Mayhem

Probably the most insidious evil of all of Satan's shock troops, this monkey will appear before you, silent, and unmoving.  It will wait.  And wait.  Eventually, you'll be forced to make a predictable monkey joke (poop throwing, scratching butt/smelling finger) and then it will disappear, leaving you will the knowledge that you've been forced to make the same cliché monkey jokes that everybody else makes.

Not that we'd do that.  No, we found the what we think is the most preposterously clever way to do it.

Just agree and let us have our small victory.

Bloated Santa

Full of alien brain worms, this bursting mass of parasites will wait until it's around the larger crowd, then will explode and divulge it's grisly cargo ala Night of the Creeps.  Haven't seen it?  You will.

Pocket Hell Beast

Finally, the last of Satan's dark minions will descend upon those that remain; already devoid of all hope, these bloody masses will finally beg to any god to save their souls.  The Hell Beast will look upon them and cry no; for I must collect them all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema": Beach Babes from Beyond

George Lucas made Return of the Jedi and featured Princess Leia in a bikini.  Years later we get Beach Babes from Beyond.  Something else Lucas will have to answer for!

Yeah, we could have centered it, but we're here to show T&A, not mitigate your OCD.

Staring many relatives of more famous actors and lots of boobs -- those terms could be construed as the same thing -- Beach Babes from Beyond features enough crane shots to make Johnny LaRue's drop his cigarette, with special effects by Mattel, music by K Tel, and just plain fail.

Our story centers around three interstellar chicks who steal one of their parent's spaceships and crash land on earth.  It's the exact same plot as ET if the E stood for "easy" and the T stood for "thong."  Also, Elliot would need big boobs and the role of Gertie need to be played by a drugged out hottie.  OK, it is ET.

Nothing says "advanced alien civilization" like the inability to hang art straight.

Here we have our titular (been waiting to use that one) beach babes, dressed in the winning clothes from Project Runway season 4, show 7: Ridiculous Tin Foil Dresses Plus Whining.

I should explain that the first time we see any of them they are naked.  I have to give the director credit, he did something most of these moves failed to do and established at the beginning that these women do, in fact, have boobs.  It's the sure sign of a competent director.  He's following Chekhov's Gun; but here we don't have to wait for the 3rd act for the gun to go off.

Yes, that's an unfortunate analogy.

Chrome: It worked for the Silver Surfer!

Our babes crash land, and their interstellar ... [snicker] ... phone is on the fritz. During re-entry, the thousand light year land-line snapped behind them.

Also on the spaceship?  A bakelite clock radio and a manual butter churn.

Remember, any sufficiently advanced civilization will look like magic to us.  Dumb, dumb magic.

Gidget was a lot more fun than I remembered.

Do you like to party on the beach?  That's good, because the movie features 30 minutes of music ... split between two songs.  The worse offender is "Party on the Beach."  I'm guessing that's the title, it's not in the credits, but since 95% of the lyrics are "Party on the Beach", it's probably a safe bet.

This scene goes on forever.  Mercifully, the song stops in the middle only to start up again 20 seconds later.  Did the band get winded?  Do they think I'll forget how awful it was if we all take a break?  The song makes another return at the end, but luckily I had already lost both my eardrums to mass trauma from the other song, "I Got a Woodie."

There's some plot development here, but I don't care.  You shouldn't either.  The plot is this film is the glue that holds the naked chicks together.  Or at least I hope it is, otherwise I have to imagine the sticky stuff is something else entirely, and my mind is way too fragile after Underdog's last beating to do that.

Hey, Trash really cleaned up!

Here's our two villains, some dude living 80s large with the reflective shades and brylcreem, and B-movie queen Linnea Quigley.  The dude actually does nothing in this film.  I'm not kidding!  He has a soft core fantasy that's more soft than core unless you count me wanting to bury him at the core of the earth, and then disappears from the film.

They are trying to foreclose on Uncle Bob's beach house.  Did I say Uncle Bob was once engaged to Linnea Quigley's character?  Did I say he was sitting on a miracle suncream?  Did I say he was $30,000 in debt and the local bikini contest's first price is $30,000?  Did I say that another guy in the movie happens to be a rocket fuel expert?

Is this movie and convenient plotting were humans, they would be a 4th generation incestious brother and sister.

But who cares?  Boobs!

OK, I apologize.  That's probably going scar a couple minds.  Then again, I am evil.
Cad, bring me more Ernest heads!

It seems these models are doing the normal nude model poses, which are left from right:
  • dead
  • wondering where the shot came from
  • shot in the back
These are our evil models.  They lose to our good space models.  Surprised?

He's extra moist!

Yes, that seems to be Jack LaLanne.  Also not in the credits.  I'm sensing a pattern, and that pattern seems to be "I want nothing whatsoever to do with this movie."  Alas, I'm not in that exclusive club.

Another thing about this movie -- and bikini movies in general -- is a very progressive attitude in the script.  There's anti-corporate bits, there's environmental bits, there's peace and love bits, and frankly, the scientist in me is all for that, but the man in me just wants to build Poly Purebred robots to crush Underdog.  It's really front and center in this film.  Frankly, this is probably the best way to sell it to America, sandwiched in between acres of flesh.

Joe going over the list of health violations on the set.

Uncle Bob is played by Joe Estevez, and as these things go, his problems can only be solved by hot ladies and bumbling dudes.  Honestly, how did California ever have a fiscal crisis?  It's full of these kinds of people!

Bad stuff goes down, Linnea's character does some kidnapping, she tries to steal the suits for her models to wear, it's revealed she still loves Uncle Bob, and this movie is so tidy you could eat off the floor of the set and probably not catch an STD.  Probably.  Maybe.  I wouldn't recommend it.

It's always better to get kidnapped in a classy place.

Who's the judge of this bathing suit pageant?

Burt.  Ward.  Burt @#!$!@# Ward.  With Chicks.
Suck it, Adam West!

Burt Ward!  Robin!  Who, gee golly, conveniently, always wanted a lesson with Uncle Bob, who's conveniently a surfing legend.  This movie makes me want to throw up in my mouth conveniently.

Burt judges (this is how I imagine Heaven, with Burt Ward judging us for our sins and Adam West as God), our space babes win, our evil models have their suits sabotaged and you see their boobs for the 28th time and each and every plot thread ties up in the most predictable way possible with the maximum amount of skin.

All in all, a pretty package, and Joe and Linnea find a kind of squishy happiness that, and I hate myself for this, actually has a bit of an emotional center.  That is, if you ignore that Linnea was kidnapping people and plotting to throw Joe out of his house!

Of course, you can forget that ... conveniently!

Joe explains the strange last names in his family.

Oh, and we hear "Party on the Beach" again.  That is, after the second reprise of "I've Got a Woodie," and right before I finished my suicide note in my own blood.

This review is dedicated to my pal, Paul R.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 10

What will it take, people?  Not one single phone call, and our ladies are getting a bit restless.

If "cougars" are in, then all the guys should jump at the chance to be with this ... er ... leopard spotted tiger?  I guess animal reference pictures were hard to come by in the golden age of comics!

This athletic lady is a work-out queen who has powerful hind-quarters and loves to run, jump, play, and especially scratch the living hell out of your couch.  She will purr like a kitten if you rub her the right way, and has a tongue that comes in handy for exfoliating skin and tearing chunks of meat out of mice, rabbits, giraffes, lounge singers, home appliance repairmen, and that guy that did Somebody is Always Watching Me song.  What was his name?  Rockwell.  Yeah, Rockwell.

It's not off-topic!  She's jumping off of rocks, and doing it well.  Ha!  Now who has egg on their face?  Frankly, why should I even bother, none of you call!  You know how much meat this lady eats everyday?

Look, I'm sorry, this job is stressful.  Please call, she's leaving fur everywhere.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Criswell Once Again Peers into the Future!

Welcome back both seekers of knowledge and that fabulous boy who brings me my martini!  It's time for my vast precognitive skills to bring you a glimpse of the future!

Item: A great quake will split the Hollywood sign in half, leaving only the "wood."  Many 15 year old boys will titer greatly.

Item: Sandwiches will no longer be known as a type of food, but a new type of entertainment where two sexy Wiccans wrestle in a sand box.

Item: Presidential elections will no longer be decided by voting, as this has been outlawed by the Parrot Men who take over earth in 2072.  It will instead be decided by dressing up the candidates as crackers while screeching 'Polly want a president' at the top of their lungs, and seeing which candidate the Giant Super Parrot decides not to eat.

Item: Blow-up dolls become all the range; most men in future go from blue-balled to red-faced.

Item: The development of upper-lip Rogaine and Disco's stealth return through dubstep will be completed in 2016, leading to a re-union of the Village People with even more ridiculous mustaches.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Vote Witch for 2012!

Today, it's your patriotic duty to vote for the one she-demon who can bring this country back to prosperity and power!

Vote Witch!

Are terrorist giving you trouble?  I'll turn them into frogs!  Banks foreclosing?  Little business suit wearing frogs!  Burning hatred for somebody because their skin color is different?  Multi-colored frogs!  Russians?  Vodka-swilling fur-hat-weaing frogs!

Forced to watch the Rowdy Roddy Piper movie Hell Comes to Frogtown?

Eh ...

Well, I can't be expected to solve everybody's problem!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Bardos Metal Mania: Twisted Sister: I Wanna Rock

Bardos wants to know ... what do you wanna do with your life?  If the answer is "Reimagine the movie Animal House as a three chord metal song mixed with Looney Tunes", then you've come to the right place!

Twisted Sister
I Wanna Rock

Student Body Most Likely to Get Senior Discount at Old Country Buffet

Does listening to Twisted Sister force you to be held back multiple times?  The youngest "high school kid" in this looks to be 23.

Look at all the majestic feathering!

Guy font-left on the picture?  Richard Hatch as Apollo from Battlestar Galactica '78.

Number One Choice to Play the Lead in the The Nutcracker

I really want to put a walnut in there.

This is, of course, character actor Mark Metcalf, mostly know for playing almost the exact same character in Animal House.  The video ends with an appearance by Stephen Furst, also from Animal House.  A lot of his lines are actually paraphrased from Animal House.

A lot of Twister Sister's riffs are actually paraphrased from the Beginner Instructional Guitar Method Mel Bay's Truckin' on the E String.

Probably a Jazz Inspired Rhythm

Look at the picture below.  Note the hand positions of the band.  Everybody has at least one hand down on the railing.  Why are they doing that?  Well, they are motioning to the beat of the song.  Except one guy.  The guy in the blue.

I can't see their reflection in the pool!  They must be transvestite vampires!

He's off beat.

What do you think his position in the band is?  I'll give you a hint, it starts with "drummer" and ends with "can't find the beat even if he was at the front row of the Rolling Stones concert at Altamont in 1969."

Well What's This .. Whoa!

I'd almost be afraid if this grenade wasn't obviously plastic!

Won't that layer of Brylcreem protect his head?

Maker of Best Instructional Guitar Video for Brain Damaged Walruses

The solo on Were Not Going to Take It is rather famous for it's basic skill level and over-use of the whammy bar.  How do you follow that up?

The tiger stripes on the guitar are a tribute to the tiger that attacked him and tore his jacket to shreds.

Swamp the signal with your Wah pedal, for an automatic whammy bar solo!  It's either that, or you could .... could ... wait, let me gain my composure ... wait ... practice.

Winner: Balls to The Wall Award

When your student body is all over 53 years old, do you really want them putting this much strain on their necks?

Math class is in 3 minutes, I really need my books ... do you guys have any idea
when you'll be through head banging?

Both videos came out around the same time but you can tell them apart by taking this quiz:

a) Is there a short, balding German gnome in it?
b) Is there a guy who's hair looks like a teased, yellow brillo pad?
c) Is it full of man butt close-ups?

If you answered C, you're actually watching Yankee Rose by David Lee Roth.  You should probably stop doing that.