Thursday, November 15, 2012

Simon Bar "Cinema": Beach Babes from Beyond

George Lucas made Return of the Jedi and featured Princess Leia in a bikini.  Years later we get Beach Babes from Beyond.  Something else Lucas will have to answer for!

Yeah, we could have centered it, but we're here to show T&A, not mitigate your OCD.

Staring many relatives of more famous actors and lots of boobs -- those terms could be construed as the same thing -- Beach Babes from Beyond features enough crane shots to make Johnny LaRue's drop his cigarette, with special effects by Mattel, music by K Tel, and just plain fail.

Our story centers around three interstellar chicks who steal one of their parent's spaceships and crash land on earth.  It's the exact same plot as ET if the E stood for "easy" and the T stood for "thong."  Also, Elliot would need big boobs and the role of Gertie need to be played by a drugged out hottie.  OK, it is ET.

Nothing says "advanced alien civilization" like the inability to hang art straight.

Here we have our titular (been waiting to use that one) beach babes, dressed in the winning clothes from Project Runway season 4, show 7: Ridiculous Tin Foil Dresses Plus Whining.

I should explain that the first time we see any of them they are naked.  I have to give the director credit, he did something most of these moves failed to do and established at the beginning that these women do, in fact, have boobs.  It's the sure sign of a competent director.  He's following Chekhov's Gun; but here we don't have to wait for the 3rd act for the gun to go off.

Yes, that's an unfortunate analogy.

Chrome: It worked for the Silver Surfer!

Our babes crash land, and their interstellar ... [snicker] ... phone is on the fritz. During re-entry, the thousand light year land-line snapped behind them.

Also on the spaceship?  A bakelite clock radio and a manual butter churn.

Remember, any sufficiently advanced civilization will look like magic to us.  Dumb, dumb magic.

Gidget was a lot more fun than I remembered.

Do you like to party on the beach?  That's good, because the movie features 30 minutes of music ... split between two songs.  The worse offender is "Party on the Beach."  I'm guessing that's the title, it's not in the credits, but since 95% of the lyrics are "Party on the Beach", it's probably a safe bet.

This scene goes on forever.  Mercifully, the song stops in the middle only to start up again 20 seconds later.  Did the band get winded?  Do they think I'll forget how awful it was if we all take a break?  The song makes another return at the end, but luckily I had already lost both my eardrums to mass trauma from the other song, "I Got a Woodie."

There's some plot development here, but I don't care.  You shouldn't either.  The plot is this film is the glue that holds the naked chicks together.  Or at least I hope it is, otherwise I have to imagine the sticky stuff is something else entirely, and my mind is way too fragile after Underdog's last beating to do that.

Hey, Trash really cleaned up!

Here's our two villains, some dude living 80s large with the reflective shades and brylcreem, and B-movie queen Linnea Quigley.  The dude actually does nothing in this film.  I'm not kidding!  He has a soft core fantasy that's more soft than core unless you count me wanting to bury him at the core of the earth, and then disappears from the film.

They are trying to foreclose on Uncle Bob's beach house.  Did I say Uncle Bob was once engaged to Linnea Quigley's character?  Did I say he was sitting on a miracle suncream?  Did I say he was $30,000 in debt and the local bikini contest's first price is $30,000?  Did I say that another guy in the movie happens to be a rocket fuel expert?

Is this movie and convenient plotting were humans, they would be a 4th generation incestious brother and sister.

But who cares?  Boobs!

OK, I apologize.  That's probably going scar a couple minds.  Then again, I am evil.
Cad, bring me more Ernest heads!

It seems these models are doing the normal nude model poses, which are left from right:
  • dead
  • wondering where the shot came from
  • shot in the back
These are our evil models.  They lose to our good space models.  Surprised?

He's extra moist!

Yes, that seems to be Jack LaLanne.  Also not in the credits.  I'm sensing a pattern, and that pattern seems to be "I want nothing whatsoever to do with this movie."  Alas, I'm not in that exclusive club.

Another thing about this movie -- and bikini movies in general -- is a very progressive attitude in the script.  There's anti-corporate bits, there's environmental bits, there's peace and love bits, and frankly, the scientist in me is all for that, but the man in me just wants to build Poly Purebred robots to crush Underdog.  It's really front and center in this film.  Frankly, this is probably the best way to sell it to America, sandwiched in between acres of flesh.

Joe going over the list of health violations on the set.

Uncle Bob is played by Joe Estevez, and as these things go, his problems can only be solved by hot ladies and bumbling dudes.  Honestly, how did California ever have a fiscal crisis?  It's full of these kinds of people!

Bad stuff goes down, Linnea's character does some kidnapping, she tries to steal the suits for her models to wear, it's revealed she still loves Uncle Bob, and this movie is so tidy you could eat off the floor of the set and probably not catch an STD.  Probably.  Maybe.  I wouldn't recommend it.

It's always better to get kidnapped in a classy place.

Who's the judge of this bathing suit pageant?

Burt.  Ward.  Burt @#!$!@# Ward.  With Chicks.
Suck it, Adam West!

Burt Ward!  Robin!  Who, gee golly, conveniently, always wanted a lesson with Uncle Bob, who's conveniently a surfing legend.  This movie makes me want to throw up in my mouth conveniently.

Burt judges (this is how I imagine Heaven, with Burt Ward judging us for our sins and Adam West as God), our space babes win, our evil models have their suits sabotaged and you see their boobs for the 28th time and each and every plot thread ties up in the most predictable way possible with the maximum amount of skin.

All in all, a pretty package, and Joe and Linnea find a kind of squishy happiness that, and I hate myself for this, actually has a bit of an emotional center.  That is, if you ignore that Linnea was kidnapping people and plotting to throw Joe out of his house!

Of course, you can forget that ... conveniently!

Joe explains the strange last names in his family.

Oh, and we hear "Party on the Beach" again.  That is, after the second reprise of "I've Got a Woodie," and right before I finished my suicide note in my own blood.

This review is dedicated to my pal, Paul R.

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