Saturday, December 31, 2011

Red Hot Riding Hood's Grandma's New Year Resolution

Grandma's back for some more lovin!

New Year's Eve!  Where I'm free to kiss anybody I can between 12:00 and 12:01, all without the normal involvement of cops, courts, restraining orders, and fire hoses!

They say that New Year's Eve is when the old man leaves and the young child enters; we'll, this old bird's not leaving and is as spry as ever!  There might be snow on top but the fire below is still hot!

So, for any of you hunks of wolf man-meat out there, here's my resolutions for the new year:
  • Wolves
  • More Wolves
  • Hair color or Brazilian?
  • Even More Wolves!
The best thing about the New Year?  Packed rooms make it hard for men to run away!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Mr. Jinks Amends His Last Complaint

So, like, um, I'm back.  Again.

I think I was, like, too hasty or something on that last post.  I shouldn't let this blog get off, ya know, lite or nothing for letting other B-grade cartoon characters, uh, like, fade away.

Like, not every character has some, um, ya know, racist stuff in them.  Not at all.  I know, like, there's other characters in the Underdog universe that can be used.  I'm pretty sure they, like, need the work.

Who wants some work?


Oh, like, forget it!  Yeesh!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Mr. Jinks has Another Complaint

So, like, um, I'm back.

Ya know, I was just, like, reading the last blog post and, like, how come Simon Bar Sinister gets a hosting job and nobody else from those cartoons do?

Like, what about, um, Go-Go Gophers?  Why not them?  What's wrong with, like, the Go-Go Gophers, ya know?

Hunh ...

Not, like, the most sensitive portrayal ...

Like, pretend I didn't say anything.  Ya know, no complaints today!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Simon Bar "Cinema"

Simon Bar Sinister here, with another apathetic movie review.

I've got a lot of important things to do -- destroying the world, jamming my boot up Underdog's butt, and crackling madly.  I don't really have the time to write content on this nickle-and-dime blog.  Gumba, though, who is next in line to taste the bite of my death ray, demands that I write a movie review.


I'll review Batman: The Dark Knight Rises.

I haven't seen it.  Won't see it.  Haven't even watched the trailer.  I do not have the time to watch some strange medieval epic where knights rise up -- from what, bed? -- to fight men riding bats.  While I know most movie goers are not physicists -- unlike myself -- I think it would be hard for even those nitwits to think a bat could carry a grown man.

And this all happens in the dark?  Didn't the knights just get up from bed?  This movie gives me a headache and that is a "pleasure" usually reserved for Polly Purebred's endless journalistic questions!  Well played, strange knight/bat movie.  Well played.

You are now 3rd on my list for the death ray.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Rosemary's Internet Lesson

Rosemary here, #1 Hong Kong Phooey Fan!

When Gumba asked me to be a host on this blog, I knew I'd need a picture, so I did what anybody else would do and did a google image search on "Rosemary Hong Kong Phooey."

Er .... WHAT????

Rule 34.

Never fails.

The Internet: a Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Criswell Predicts

Criswell, seer of all, reports from the distance future!

Many years from now, men shall no longer speak, but communicate through snappy show tunes!  "Miriam the Librarian" shall mean "Where is the nearest subway?"

There shall be great cities built on Mars .... by space porcupines!

In the future, people will no longer refer to their favorite fast food restaurant by it's real name, but shall instead use special future names, like "Taco Smell" and "Booger King."

In the future, many things we know now will be referred to as "ancient history" .... by space porcupines!

After a time, humans will no longer have a big toe; instead, they will have one enormous toenail shaped exactly like the missing toe!

Rising sea levels will force humanity to grow a new organ that resembles and functions the same as a horse-shaped flotation device!

Computers will no longer be programmed by humans, but will instead be programmed by dogs!  The only software that will be writen is:

10 print "snausages"
20 goto 10

Soon, bouffants shall make a comeback ... but only out of back hair ... of space porcupines!

And The Black Ghoul Responds:

Wait, you said you got me this bouffant at the store!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Teela gets a Gift

Christmas!!!  Yes!  Gifts for Teela!

Oh ... what's this present ... it's ... hmm.

What about this one?  Uh...

... and this one?

Thanks.  Thanks everybody.  Another Ram-Horn Bra.  Just what I wanted.

Really, you think this is comfortable?  I don't see the Sorceress having to wear one of these!  You're all dead to me.  I'm going to kill you all.  Including you, Cringer!

Merry @$%!#! Christmas!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Hand of Five's Christmas Song

Hand of Five, creation of the evil Doctor Demonicus, here to entertain you!

Most people only think of me as lab-created giant monster designed to take on the Shogun Warriors, but let me tell you, my first love was always with singing.  I have a song in my heart ... and the Shogun Warriors in my death grip.  But mostly a song.

Hum along with me!

We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
And a populace cow-er-ing in fear!

Hot lasers for Shoguns
From detachable heads
How do you like my buzzsaw
You soon will be dead!

Combatra's a wuss
That much is clear
Shoguns on a junk heap
and a Happy New Year!

One final note.  You might have destroyed me, but Shogun Warriors lasted for 20 issues.  ROM lasted for 75, plus 4 annuals.  Eat that, Shogun Warriors!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Greta Ghoul's Dark Christmas Tree

Greta Ghoul, your mistress of evil, with steps to making your own dark Christmas tree.

First, find yourself a tree that was infused with the blood of druids.  Do not make the mistake of asking the guy in the small mobile home -- with the lights strung out on poles -- which of his inventory is infused with druid blood.  He will call the police, or possibly that meddler Cool McCool.

If you can't find a tree infused with the blood of druids (and believe me, it's not as easy as it sounds,) then you can substitute any old tree covered with corn syrup and red food coloring.

Next you need the eye of a cursed demon bat-snake, who goes by the name By-Tor.  OK, yes, I know.  Look, it's hard enough getting through this so yes, yes I know.  Neil Peart stole that from me.  He can put those sticks and his gong where the sun don't shine!

Again, if you need to substitute, you can always get one of those bubble gum eyes out of a vending machine.  The forces of evil are pretty lax in the exact ingredients department.

Next, hang up some nice lights and garland.  Even the dark ones love pretty flashing lights!

Finally, set the whole thing on fire.  Hell fire, only.  OK, you can use regular fire ... or that effect they use in Pirates of the Caribbean ride ... or that yule log video ... or just make a crackling noise with some paper.  Really, it's the evil thought that counts.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Mr. Jinks has a Complaint

So like, um, yeah, Mr Jinks here.

Yeah, I've got a complaint.  It's like, I'm glad I have a job and all.  I mean, obviously, I like the job, almost as much as I, uh, seem to like the word "like".

But, you think, in the holiday spirit, Hanna Barbera might have spent like, a little extra, or, uh, something, on the show.  I know they had to like, pay me, and like pay Pixie and Dixie, but, like, ya know ...

OK, like, here's an example.  That dog that I always seem to fall into the jaws of whenever I'm hatin' them meeces to pieces?

His sound effect is a guy going "arf."

What, am I to, like, assume that none of the hundreds of people at Hanna Barbera had a dog?  They just, like, ya know, pulled in the janitor and said "bark for us" and he said "arf" and then sound guy said "maybe we should do another take" and then everybody just laughed and went out for wings?

I'm sorry, it's like, uh, this gets me down, ya know?  It's hard enough knowing they spent only 10 seconds coming up with, like, my verbal ticks.

"What should we do?"
"How about cliche stoner?  That'll teach those jerks at Ruby-Spears!"

Thanks guys, really, I mean, like thanks.  I'm now the furry version of Shaggy.  I'm glad Funky Phantom wasn't a hit!

Ya know, like, it could be worse ... at least my name isn't Pixie.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Red Hot Riding Hood's Grandma's Thoughts on the Holidays

Hot Dog, a Wolf!

Let Grandma tell you what she loves about the Holidays!  Sit down on my lap, and ... no, not you!  Get lost you little brat, I mean that handsome hunk of meat that's your dad!  Yeah, slide that hot tuckus onto Grandma's knee!

One of my favorite parts is all the great songs and lyrics!  Like Merry Christmas!  Like Deck the Halls!  Like "Once you go gray, you can't stay away!"

Yes, that's an actual lyric.  It's in "Here comes Santa Claus" somewhere!  La la ... Santa Lane ... stay away ... fa la ... just trust me on this.

Another of my favorite things is unwrapping presents.  I'll bet there are some things you can think of that need to be unwrapped!  What's insides might not be new but it's certainly well worn and comfortable!

My favorite of all has to be mistletoe ... which, well, how surprising ... seems to be right over us now ...

... run along you little snot nosed gremlins, Grandma's got some tinsel to hang on the tree!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Hermey's Thoughts on the Holiday Season

Hermey here.

So you want to know my thoughts on the holiday season?

How about instead I tell you a story.  In the frozen, deadly landscapes of the north, there lives a beast.  A Yeti, by the name of Bumble.  Bumble is composed of three things: teeth, claws, and blood-fueled fury.  Many have seen this creature.  Few have survived.

Bumble shrugs off bullets as you would the rain; Bumble outweighs me by 25 to 1, and is the same in his stature.  Mountains shake and avalanches roll when he roars.  He eats reindeer whole; no buck is any threat to him, a doe even less so.  He is the top of the food chain in at the North Pole, all fear hearing his fearful howling, for it is a sign you will be his next victim.

I should mention one more thing about this spawn of the blackest hell ... I pulled out every one of it's teeth and made it my bitch.  It now hangs festive ornaments for me.

So, you still want to bother Hermey with questions?  That's what I thought.

Move along now.

Monday, December 19, 2011

TrapJaw's Thoughts on the Holiday Season

Hey, TrapJaw here.  

It's not often I have guests, and it's even less often that they desire to know my thoughts on the Holiday season.  It's not like I'm not a courteous host; it's not like I haven't laid out a fine spread of Christmas candy, though, admittedly, most of it is smashed as it's relatively difficult putting out candy with a hook for a hand!

I'm not bitter, far from it.  I don't have time to be bitter through the intense pain that rips through my head for every moment of my existence.  What, was that too dark?  Well, excuse me for having a steel trap welded to my jaw!

Wait, don't go!  The holidays ... let me think ... the holidays.  My thoughts on them.  Well, the holidays are a time for giving gifts.  What could I want?  What would be a good gift?  Hmmm ... how about ...  Please -- for the love of all that is good in this world -- fix my jaw!  I feel like a very clumsy tattoo artists left his tattoo gun on high and in my lower mandible!

No, I'm sorry!  Please, you don't understand!  I have a hook, I have a trap jaw, and I have never ending waves of intense, crippling pain!

Fine.  Whatever.  Leave.  Screw you -- I was making pastries, and you don't get any.  More for BeastMan and I!