Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Your Final Answer, Episode 18

The Reaper finds himself involved in a storage locker auction, and with it, a valuable Stretch Monster -- and the Reaper's hopes and dreams -- both of which are soon dashed by the entrance of a mysterious bidder!

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Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Your Final Answer Episode 17, Christmas Special!

It's Christmas and the Reaper finds himself contractually obligated to make a music video, so he turns in a Metal version of Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!  He seems to intend for it to be romantic, but Zelda the skeleton disagrees, somewhat violently.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Your Final Answer Episode 16

This week's question combines parts of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the Tower Inferno, and the most comedic parts of Marathon Man.  Yes, there's lot of talk about teeth.  Hermey really, really loves teeth.  In a creepy way.

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Thursday, December 11, 2014

Your Final Answer Episode 15

The question seems innocent enough, in that it deals with what kind of dish can be brought to a company Christmas party, but quickly falls apart into something that shouldn't be seen by small Reaper kids and probably require a PSA!

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Thursday, December 4, 2014

Your Final Answer Episode 14

The Reaper opens his big mouth and it ends up putting him into a magic duel with a real magician.  Obviously, the Reaper will lose, but the question is: How embarrassingly?  Guest starring Magic Steve! (@MagicSteve83)

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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Your Final Answer Episode 13, Thanksgiving Special Part 2

It's part 2 of the Thanksgiving Special, where, from the "and previously on" intro, seems like it will be filled with fantastic and exciting sequences!  Or, more likely, the Reaper ate a little too much turkey and naps on the couch.  Very exciting for fans of sleeping skeletons!

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Thursday, November 20, 2014

Your Final Answer Episode 12, Thanksgiving Special Part 1

This week's episode is part 1 of Your Final Answer's Thanksgiving special.  The Reaper needs to prepare a turkey diner, but the turkey isn't cooperating.  To make things worse, the turkey sounds remarkably like Paul Lynde, with the attitude and puns to match!

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Thursday, November 13, 2014

Your Final Answer Episode 11

Today's question starts a rousing game of Dinosaur Dracula Cards with the Beast. The Beast's grasp of the general rules is about as good as his grasp of what a "card" actually is.  It ends up costing the Reaper a lot of pain, which isn't new, and a lot of money, which is!

Special thanks to Magic Steve @MagicSteve83 for the cards and @DinosaurDracula for the blog that spawned them!

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Thursday, November 6, 2014

Your Final Answer Episode 10

The Reaper gets a question he's none too happy to answer -- but a gentle letter from the boss at the station -- along with a slightly less gentle cattle prod -- gets him to recall his time as the host of a children's program.  As always, it goes poorly!

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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Your Final Answer Episode 9 Halloween Special!

It's special guest stars galore in Your Final Answer's 2014 Halloween Special!  All guests are immediately ignored as the Reaper attempts to push his new Found Footage Horror Film ... The Soup Witch.  Or maybe its more of a trailer.  He's only sure it's scary!  Sadly, the suits upstairs want a couple "minor" edits ...

If you have a YouTube account, please subscribe, and feel free to share or like or subscribe to any of the other media I'm constantly using to aggressively pimp this project!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Days 29-31

As I'm going to be concentrating on Your Final Answer in the coming months, I'm finishing out Skeletons are Jerks with a grand blow-out, because tomorrow sees the release of the Your Final Answer Halloween Special!

So, on to our final round-up of jerky skeletons!

Day 29

The anatomy of a straw man argument: he's not arguing that people don't live forever, he's arguing to not die right this very second!  And, is he going to get executed by breasts, because that's the way this cover is staged.

Again, another artist who shouldn't be drawing covers after being turned down for a date!

Skeleton on the right is really, really pissed at the skeleton on the left.  That guy took the last pair of goggly eyes, and now he's stuck with two marbles ratting around in his sockets.

Day 30

OK, add one more artist that shouldn't be drawing covers after being turned down for a date!

Sure, the robbed and sickle wielding skeleton is a bit menacing, but the other skeletons look like they are just screwing around.  Being jerks, as they would say.  They aren't helping at all!  The one on the left is desperately trying to peek at the cleavage, the one in the middle is a jerk racist working on his "mammy" pose, and the one in the back is just doing "look at me, mom, and you said I'd never amount to anything at the black mass!"

Can we top this collection of skeletal jerks?

Day 31


The guy in the back isn't shaking in fear, he's shaking in anger.  First, the trumpeter is wasting everybody's time due to the slight fact that he doesn't have any lungs.  The conductor won't get rid of his smelly sea weed toupee even though everybody knows it's fake, and the skeleton bottom left seems to be operating the controls to a drawbridge, and that's really got to interfere with the rhythm!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 28

Day 28

What woman could die with such a fabulous mustache growing on that upper lip?

By the way, here, once and for all, is proof of somebody that is "big boned."

Monday, October 27, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 27

Day 27

"We paid over $2K to get those front teeth fixed!  My insurance company is going to hear about this!"

Can anybody figure out the Da Vinci Code level of underlining in the story titles?  "of" and "in" I can understand, but not "and" and then going for the "in" in "Avenging" seems more OCD-ish than complete-ish.

And he really needs to sue that dentist!  And whoever applied that woman's make-up!

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 26

Day 26

"Unspeakable Evil?"

I know what it is, and I will speak it's name.  No, it's not attempting to hide the skull coming out of her face.  It's the ... get ready ... put on your knee pads and mouth guards.  Ready?  Are you sure?  Life insurance up to date?  I'm going to speak to unspeakable evil, you know!  OK.  You asked for it.

Granny Panties.

I was originally going to go with the physics of how those breasts actually exist in a 3D world, but that truly is unspeakable.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 25

Day 25

Grand.  Really grand.  First, I have to fight the WARRIOR OF DEATH, and now his pal, horror shows up?

By the way, somebody got commissioned to draw a skull and instead handed in a really toothy guy with red John Lennon glasses.  Nobody at Warren publishing cared, they probably only paid $1 for it, anyway, and probably re-ran it 28 times.  That last joke was for comic historians, only.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 24

Day 24

There was a near riot at the venue when the bride removed her veil.

Groom thought, "eh, she's still got a nice rack" and the wedding went on as planned, except when he tried to push the cake into her face, half of it got stuck in the eye sockets and the rest just goo-ed out of the jaw holes like a really low budget play doh mold.

Still, nice rack.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 23

Day 23

Some skeletons are ashamed of how renowned skeletons are for being jerks.  So much that they try to hide that they are a skeleton.  Pro tip: Layers of pudding on top of layers of mashed potatoes isn't fooling anybody.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Your Final Answer, Episode 8

This week's question reveals the evil intent of an insidious organization, and forces the Reaper to run to his safe house with only Sir Paw Paw MC Floppy Ears and a delicious bowl of Count Chocula!  Will he survive?  Please do not tell anyone the shock ending, or else they might realize it's not really that shocking ...

Your Final Answer [Episode 8]

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Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 22

Day 22

You wouldn't think a peeping tom skeleton could be a good thing, would you?  Well, let's put it this way, there's something a peeping tom skeleton is unable to do, and because of that, nobody will have to spray down the bushes tomorrow.

If I need to write a heavy metal song, I already have the first verse:

Here's to Horror,
Carnival of Death!
Doomed to Live Forever,
The Devil's Store!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 21

Day 21

The Dead Don't Sleep!

The dead also don't take showers.  And they love hugs.  Group hugs.

Adventures into Terror isn't hyperbole!

Monday, October 20, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 20

Day 20

At first glance, this seems to be a very helpful skeleton.  He's bringing a shovel to help that guy dig!  Sounds great, right?

Except that skeleton is only bringing his own shovel to tell the guy how to dig, and to demonstrate it.  He's the most jerky type of skeleton of all: the known-it-all skeleton.  That guy is in for a 20 minute lesson on shoveling and then 3 hours of disapproving looks.

That's being a jerk!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 19

Day 19

Somewhere, in this world, there's somebody that saw this cover and formed a fetish, and now that guy is suffering beyond belief, because he's looking for a woman with:

1. snake fingers
2. skull butt
3. hair made by gluing together various cat hairballs

He's written one letter per day to internet advice columnists!

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 18

Day 18

Yeah, sure dare me to read your eerie tales of supernatural horror.  Or is it weird yarns of unseen terrors?  Well, if you are going to dare me, make up your mind!

Here we see the most gummy skeleton around.  He must have really taken the healthly gums lecture from the dentist to heart, because he's keep a real great pair of them!  The guy he's "kissing and killing", and hopefully in that order, isn't screaming as he gets hit, but demanding the skeleton tell him his gum-brushing ritual.

Skeleton's a jerk, though.  Not going to tell him.  Might kiss him.  Will certainly kill him, but will never tell him his gum hygiene secrets.  He'll take that to the grave.  Or already did!

Friday, October 17, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 17

Day 17

Skeletons hate old people.

They hate them so much they setup up an elaborate court-room drama just to screw with this old guy. They even rented a bat from the vampires, and one poor skeleton sacrificed his head just for added shock value.

The coffin as the jury box is a nice touch, though it being nearly square means it's only suited for SpongeBob SquarePants, and frankly, he doesn't have a skeleton.

What's this old guys crime?  Not drinking enough milk and bitterly complaining about the aches in his bones.  Again, skeletons just really, really hate old folks.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 16

Day 16

Hey, you got sports in my horror ...
Hey, you got horror in my sports ...
My god, this is awful, throw it away!

"He was death on cleats."  Probably slightly scarier than "Death in Bunny Slippers" but a lot less scary than "Death in Nice Pumps."

Your Final Answer, Episode 7

The Reaper throws out a lot of comic-related jokes for comic folks, but then gets accused of sexism and starts digging a hole ... and very deep and very dangerous hole.  His response?  Just keeps on digging!

Your Final Answer [Episode 7]

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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 15

Day 15

Nothing like going into hellish combat when your skeleton is 3 feet tall and has a 6 inch spike on his head.  That's just an accident waiting to happen!  And why does he get the shield?  He's got no flesh!  He's a jerk and selfish!

What's worse?  He asked the demon lady out.  He used the word "bone" one too many times.  She told him to jump into a lake.  He tweeted endless about women.  That, my friends, is an entitled jerk skeleton.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 14

Day 14

Are you finally happy, Lynda?  Are you?

I got you that pump-action microwave you've always wanted!  Now you can finally cook that skull you've had laying about!  Maybe now you'll get off your ass and out of the coffin and clean up around here!

I mean, look at the place, it's infested with monkey bats!*

* this joke recycled from the Lockhorns.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 13

Day 13

Ralph, Ralph, I did everything for you!

I removed 7 or 8 ribs, I don't know, I lost count!  I replaced all my hair with yellow playdough shaped like an octopus and wore butter instead of a skirt.

Why you wanted all this, I don't know, but I did it for you, Ralph!

I hope you don't come back as a rotting zombie, I might get so frightened that my breasts fuse into a single unit!  Hell, you probably wanted that, too!

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 12

Day 12

This skeleton has taken being a jerk to a higher level by basically stating facts about the inevitability  of death and then forces you to sit through his vacation photos.  He claims the missing person details surrounded by fields of yellow and green was an artistic decision, but everybody around him knows the green is because he keeps getting his tattered rags into the shot and the yellow is orangatan bile.  

Nobody asks how he got it, and how he got it in such great quantities.

Nice picture of a drowning guy, though.  Always shoot those with the crotch in the foreground.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 11

Day 11

"Hunted, Vampirella flees to a mysterious underground city ... where death waits!"

Vampirella sucks at fleeing.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 10

Day 10

Another meeting at the Moose Lodge ruined when Larry, for the fourth time, forgot to put holes in the cake with the stripper.  His Grand Poo-ba is rightly pissed, but fellow members Jake, Carl, and Dennis are just dreading going out into the woods with their shovels.  Fourth time, Larry, fourth time.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 9

Day 9

"Hey, Joe, how did the pearl harvest go today."
"Nada boss, oh, but I found one skeleton.  Real jerk that guy."

Note that the skeleton is basically stuck to the clam.  He's been in there a while.  There are no pearls, but there's certainly other presents left by the skeleton in desperate need of a bathroom.  The fish in the bottom left?  They are having nothing of it -- they might eat their own feces -- but they draw the line at soggy skeleton feces.

Another great band name!

Your Final Answer, Episode 6

The Reaper pines away for Marie Osmond, but is rudely interrupted by a viewer question that takes him back to a time of strife and terror, i.e., his senior prom.  There he meets two bullies who are very much concerned with the quality of their pun-based insults, and then the same ending as Carrie (in spirit, within the margin of error.)

Your Final Answer [Episode 6]

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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 8

Day 8

The dictionary definition of "hey, a little help here!"

Being a jerk, ancient robo-skeleton doesn't want to actually ask for help, so is slyly peering down at his lost eye, hoping the guy in the really useless denim space suit will just suddenly have the urge to lob the eye back into it's socket.

That, or this is just the future Earth and a space traveler has stumbled upon the remains of the Skeleton Burger™ ordering system.  Please Speak Clearly Into The Giant Skull.  Would You Like Skeleton Fries With That?

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 7

Day 7

What is it with people on horror comic covers who can't turn their heads?  Are they really owls?  That would be kind of creepy!  Maybe that's the twist ending, they are all owls!

When there's a problem, make sure you dial 911, and not 912.  912 gets you to the Irony Police, who will just say something pithy, and, on a good day, slightly ironic, and then walk off while ignoring the sounds of one guy and three color-coded monsters struggling 20 feet away.  The Irony Police suck.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 6

Day 6

Get ready for the strange and unbelievable, not in spooks, but in architecture!

Hey, lady, I don't see why you're the scared one, have you seen that haircut?  Did you get held hostage in a rollerskating rink and they forced that hair cut on you?  Did two giant caterpillars roll up for the winter in your hair?  That skeleton should be running for the hills, not you, just in case that style is catching!

Take a good look at that door.  While I appreciate the home owner's extreme style (extreme hair, extreme purple bricks) I don't appreciate her insistence that part of the door be in the four dimension. First off, it's too small for her to fit herself and those enormous buns through (hair, I mean, I think) and the door seems to float about 6 inches outside the frame, only held up by some otherworldly inky black substance.

Oh, and the skeleton's hat doesn't fit.

I'm saying this was probably drawn by an otter.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 5

Day 5

I'm ready for the deluge of google searches this one is going to bring me!

Oh lordy, I have the vapors!

"On the hot ... Vampirella and Dracula encounter ... giant slug."  Are they even trying anymore?  They just needed to add "veined" and possibly "swollen" to wrap that one up!

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 4

Day 4

They went all out on the title "Baron Weirwulf's Haunted Library," reducing it from the original title "Baron Weirwulf's Heirted Libulfy."

Does "NYYAAHHRR!!" count as a peep?

Lady, he said "one peep out of you and you're dead", and you gargle that yell?  That collection of letters the artist thought might have sounded like a scream but is actually the noise a model airplane motor makes after being soaked in oatmeal?

Then you follow it up with "D-Don't hurt m-me, please!"  Can't you follow simple directions?  Is that why you mistook the purple spray paint for hair spray this morning?  And why you thought, "hey, let's just spray everything down with it."

You deserve to get jumped by a skull faced monster in a nice red polo sweater.  Probably named Biff. Biff the skull-faced thug.  Another good band name!

Friday, October 3, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 3

Day 3

Day 3: dental work and clothes needed.

Scene in the offices of Warren Publishing, December, 1980:

Editor: On this cover, I need sex and death!
Artist: Oh, you mean like a metaphor?
Editor: What's a metaphor?  No you dope, a big skull and a babe!

Thus an angry artist spends way too much time on feet and not enough on the come hither stare of either the skull or the woman.  That'll teach that editor!  What dumb assignment does he have for me next?  Bruce Bloodletter?!?  Agh!

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 2

Day 2

Skulls count as skeletons, right?  I'd better hope so, because that's all I got on some of these!

Hey, mister floating skull guy.  Here's an idea, use your awesome floating skull powers to help the woman get out of the web, instead of staring straight at her butt with that cocky grin.

Other things you might consider using your hellish powers for?  Berating the artist for not getting a book and seeing what spiders actually look like.  Another use?  Infect the copy writer with boils for using the word "yarns."  Also, some kind of painful end for the pervert that wrote "body she felt slide out."

Your Final Answer, Episode 5

This week's question is actually pretty gross, and boy does the Reaper get side-tracked, but if you stick around until the end, you get to see a hot redhead in lingerie!  No a trick!  It's real!  Certainly this is no elaborate prank!

Your Final Answer [Episode 5]

Please help support my little dog n' pony n' reaper comedy show.  Share it with your friends, like it, and leave a comment with future questions for the reaper!

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Halloween 2014: Skeletons are Jerks, Day 1

Day 1

Welcome to 31 days of Skeletons being Jerks!  It's year 2 for this, and I'm scraping the bottom of the horror comic skeleton covers, so get ready for many days when I misconstrue other monsters as skeletons to bulk this feature up.  You can still expect the same level of snark, though!

I hardly think you can say you searched everywhere when one of the areas you neglected to search only required you to turn your head.

Most people would think the skeletons are about to do something a little worse than jerky, and most people would probably also go "why did the artist draw in a giant bug for no reason?"  But, in fact, the skeletons merely want to point out that her hair style went out of fashion in 1627.

Glenn Danzig poking out from the center of the image is especially impressed with all the skulls on this cover.  He might just have to write a song ...

Monday, September 29, 2014

Pulped, Part 9

One more before we shambled into Skeletons are Jerks! Halloween Celebration of ... jerky skeletons. It doesn't sound nearly as fun that way.

This brings back some bad memories.  I once married a corpse, and on our wedding night, I found out she wasn't Satan's virgin.  I was very disappointed.  Also, I was disappointed by that joke, as I meant to finish it out with the author's name, Ray Cummings, but just couldn't pull the trigger on that one.


Our lass seems dressed in adhesive tape rather than bandages, and I don't think it's the skeletal Egyptians that are what's making her worried, but that they just might rip some of that off.  Less worrisome is the pig-nosed guard in the back, if he dares pull up that thorn whip it's going to rake right across his back, and you don't want to get hurt and fall down those stairs because this pyramid looks to be designed by Escher.

Follow the line of site on the woman, she's looking right at that bracelet.  "That's a pretty piece on that mummy skeleton that going to mummify me alive.  Should I ask him where he got it?"

Scan from The Field Guide to Wild American Pulp Artists.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Pulped, Part 8

31 days of jerky skeletons is almost upon us, so let's take a quick, soothing break with lurid pulp covers, so lurid that you might almost call them spicy, but you wouldn't, because that's a blisteringly dumb name.

More mystery bras!  More granny panties!  More gruesome dead guys!  And more ... BATMAN?  Is there somebody Bob Kane didn't rip off?

So, this woman has just rolled out of bed with her painted on bra and slightly misplaced nipples, picked up a 5 inch section of pipe with her medusa hair, arrived at the odd architecture of a bannister without stairs, just in time to see the hung monster corpse get sucked into the sky by an alien tractor beam.  Boy are they going to be surprised when they try to anal probe that!

Scan from The Field Guide to Wild American Pulp Artists.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Reaper Riffs, Episode 1

This week's Your Final Answer is a special episode where the Reaper decides to riff a Betty Boop classic.  There's a lot of things wrong with that previous sentence, "classic" probably being at the top.  It's actually a cartoon that has a Betty Boop cameo, while the main character's name is ... unfortunately ... Bimbo.

Now you know why I want to call it a Betty Boop cartoon!

The Reaper Riffs [Episode 1]

Tell your friends, tell you family, tell your satanic familiars and any stranger you meet on the street!  Spread the word!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Unknown Comics 13

For this special Halloween edition, a page from an unknown comic put out by a Haunted House Attraction to entice customers into it's scary confines, or else just some type of secret propaganda from a mysterious organization.  You be the judge!  Or jury!  Or executioner.  Really, doesn't matter to me!

(click to read!)

Scan from The Horrors of It All!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Spooky Stripping, Part 3

You know when you buy an old house and some fool painted over the beautiful moldings, and then when you go to strip the paint a spooky voice tells you GET OUT?

This is not that kind of spooky stripping, but it's about the same amount of pain as getting the stripping agent in your eyes and then the heat gun stuck on high down your pants.

Fire, bad, pudding face, good!

That is one piss poor Frankenstein Monster.  He's tied down with ropes that look to have the strength of very, very old spaghetti, and it's probably for his own good.  Too sudden a movement and he'll probably melt.  Luckily the melting is being kept at bay by the aquarium tank tubing.  It's not Dr. Frankenstein's lab but the fish section of the local pet store.

Magna Cum Laude at Naughty Nurse College.

Our nurse is closing up shop for the night, and yes, there was no nurse in the book or movie, but we have to take liberties here because this is a stripping film and nobody wants to see the monster with it's top off.

I suspect it'll be like looking into a pot of pudding made from 10% milk and 90% snot.

Taking off a stocking really isn't an "oh" moment.

I adore the concept of this short -- that a nurse would see that monstrosity on the table and think "it looks like it has the strength of ten men, or at least ten pudding men, and it's held down by moist twine.  I think I'll tease it!"

If only I had monster strength, then I could snap these ropes!

And the inevitable happens.  The monster realizes that he's probably going to spoil in a couple hours, so he might as well break the licorice ropes holding him down and see what all the "oh" and "ah"-ing is about.  He's going to be disappointed when it's just some goofy lady changing her stockings.


Gee, what did you expect?  Our candy stripper manages to get a sedagive sedative into the monster and he returns to that sandy stuff they make instant pudding out of.  Oh, and side note to nurse: Do Not Tease Dangerous Monsters With Your Lame Strip Tease.  Thank you.

That's it for Spooky Stripping -- for now.  Yes, there's more monsters & strippers action out there.  It's a rich vein of stupid, and I'm just the guy to mine it!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Your Final Answer, Episode 4

The Reaper gets an interesting but vague question, and uses it as a springboard to basically piss off the viewer, characters from famous literature, and somebody he really shouldn't have.

Your Final Answer [Episode 4]

As before, please tell your friends, share it, and leave comments -- we need questions for further episodes!  Like the FB page or the youtube channel to see further updates.  Thanks for watching!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Spooky Stripping, Part 2

Our next spooky stripping happens in a sprawling, ancient and crumbling castle, and, lucky for us, not by a sprawling, ancient and crumbling stripper.

It's the scariest castle on the train set.

Many a 1:87th HO scale model plastic human has met his grisly demise in that castle, or on the tracks of the quaint model railroad that runs around it.  Legends of the terror within make many a plastic human get into their slot cars and never look back.

All this hair makes me tired.

Here our pretty heroine gets ready for bed.  Her night gown is a little disheveled because her normal bedroom procedure consists of:
  • 45 minutes of hair styling
  • 1 hour and 20 minutes of lacquering the wood
  • 15 minutes of tying up the 92 curtains that make up the bed
You can see why she has little time left for night gown adjustment.

Vampire or rabbit-man?

The vampire patiently waits until after she's done buffing the banisters, his two prominent fangs and/or left-over halloween candy corn glistening in the light ...

You're using the bed wrong!

I'm always amazed when a segment in a nudie cutie film fails to live up to the most simple of goals -- a woman stripping.  Here we have a woman with restless leg syndrome rolling around on the bed for a minute, while a cartoonish vampire looks on.  It's not nude, it's not cute, and it's not stripping, and the vampire is about as frightening as The Count from Sesame Street.

It fails at all possible angles, unless you're in it for polished wood banisters.  Than it's a 4-star short!

I'm in what movie?

The vampire strikes!  The woman is left in gap-jawed fear that looks remarkably like the same look as when she was over-charged at the CostCo.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Spooky Stripping, Part 1

Welcome to the most Halloween-ie of painfully un-sex-ie and outright quaint-ie usage of words ending with "ie", as in, i.e., the missing clips from the Parade's review of Sexy Proibitissimo, all having to do with dark and scary things that go bump, and probably a grind or two, in the night.

Tonight at the Tiki Lounge: Lady with big pile of fake red hair!

Our dancer has a spider-related act, and I hope for the good of the ham sandwich I just ate that it's a goofy fake web and not spinneret's in her butt.

Why, this web is not sticky at all!

Here our lovely lady tests the tensile strength of the web, to see if it will handle the various bottles, salt shakers, tiki candle holders, and plates of food soon to be sailing her way when her act completes.  It's not that people don't like her act, it's just that she's so convincing that they think she's a real spider.  A spider with boobs.  At least that what she tells her therapist.

Do these casting shadows make me look wrinkly?

The 60s were the reverse 80s -- the breasts were real, but the hair wasn't.  Here is the moment our hot dancer regrets using the floor to enhance her sexy dance, as the floor itself was already enhanced with the various amounts of food spilled from the waiters having to bring the plates down those stairs.

This restaurant was really not well planned out.

Rod Serling and Jane Fonda!

Why this scene is in here is anybody's guess, but this couple seemed to have stumbled in from the set of an old Hawaii 5-0 episode.  Any minute now either gun fire or fists are going to break out, and somebody will end up having smuggled opium into the state by tainted hair gel.

Absolutely not a wig.

This goes to prove that no matter how classic a movie was -- the original or the re-make of The Fly, you can always find an ending that improves it!