Thursday, May 16, 2013

Bardos Metal Mania: Ratt: Lay It Down

On today's Metal Mania, demon metal mascot Bardos looks at a video that, based on the clothes, is either an OK metal song or a really good pirate era Adam Ant song.

Lay It Down

Important Rule: First Image of Video Shouldn't Creep People Out

Damn it, PennyWise, I thought you were stuck in Maine!

"How was the new Ratt video?"

"I'm not sure, I ran screaming at the first frame, and spent the rest of the night peeing around the edges of my room in hopes that it would create a barrier that would keep the terrifying clown away."

This is not the way to start your metal video.  It's not metal.  It's a bladder-draining and pants filling horror of epic proportions.  Let's try this again.  Give us the next shot.

This has to be Better

I hear Ave Satani in the background!

Gah!  Not better!  It's actually worse!

Is this a video or some kind of social experiment in fear?  I'd expect Damien to appear in a Possessed video, not in yet another Ratt song about sex (or the sloppy equivalent.)  Is it some kind of long-running immersion program to turn off teenagers from sex?  After watching this video, every time a teen gets excited he's either going to imagine the clown or Damien up there, or worse yet, Damien and the clown running hand in hand across a field of flowers.

Side effect: Ruins human reproduction forever.

Speaking of Ratt, isn't it about time for them to start mugging for the camera?

Hiring German Expressionist to Design Your Backdrops

Pearcy's day job was working at a avant-garde pipe manufacturer.

The rest of the video is basically the singer Pearcy harassing some woman that's a grown up version of the girl at the party ... yes ... there's a story, but the story involves a clown and so we all don't spend the night huddling under a blanket covered in our own stinking vomit, let's forget all that.

Pearcy is basically imploring our 80s hottie to Lay It Down.  Lay down what?  Some kind of tile, or maybe a nice wood floor, or even carpeting?  Or lay down on his head until he stops singing?

Don't Forget the Dance Moves!

I'm pretty sure I heard a spleen pop.

The entire video has Pearcy in this wash-day flamenco-dancing pirate get-up.  It's not doing him, us, or fashion any favors.  It might have actually caused the heat death of the universe to inch a couple years closer.

Here we see a rock-n-roll signer kick that would make even David Lee Roth jealous, that is if jealousy could ever get by Roth's gigantic ego.  Still, a pay-per-view kick fight between Roth and Pearcy?  I'd pay for that!  Pearcy can be the "The Boot-Kicking Buccaneer" and Roth can be "The Leotard Leaper!"  One night only, winner gets the MILF in the front row that's desperately trying to re-live her glory days.

Also, Don't Forget The Proper Guitar Moves

Bang!  Bang!  Pow Pow!

Many snakes died to bring us this guitar.

In an 80s hair metal band, what's it like to be the one guy with the flat hair?  Are you always the one forced to do the donut runs?  Do you get last groupie pick?  Do they pelt you with bottles of extra body conditioners ala Carrie?

Extra credit for the first reader to find a frame where the guitarist and bassist have their mouths shut.

Restraining Orders Also Include Whispering

If you like me, fill in the YES box!

Let's imagine what Pearcy is whispering.
  • I heard those guys in Dokken are a bunch of wussies!
  • I ran out of eyeliner, can I borrow yours?
  • Contract negotiations with the rest of the band are going great!
  • Is all this PVC piping turning you on, too?
  • The extra "T" stands for Trouble.  Right here in River City.  With a capital T.  And that rhymes with P.  And that stands for pool.
  • What do you think, too many sparkly bits on the shirt?
  • Can there really ever be too many sparkly bits?
  • Man that kid is creepy!

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