Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 2

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

Continuing on with our examination of The Beast That Killed Women.  In this segment, the excitement grows ... when will the beast strike?  Is he lurking just off camera?  Is he behind a tree?  Can 20 minutes of fake nudist camp footage ratchet up the suspense?

The Donner party was a lot sexier than history taught us!

No, no it can't.

What is entertaining is seeing how badly people who aren't trained actors walk when the camera is on them.  The first couple minutes is a parade of hotties walking back and forth across this tree.  Not a single one walks in the way normal humans walk.  Is as if the struts holding up their hair has transitioned to their joints.

They walk about as well as my 10 year old self motivated his Mego Marvel action figures.  In a word, not very good.  It's a bit sexier in the movie, though.  Iron Man was cool breaking through many a lincoln log wall, but he was never sexy.

Well, once he was.  Long story.

Who is this?  Mary Tyler Moore?  You say you want your haircut back?

.... and another phone scene.  Nothing makes naked chicks sexier than taking a phone call from a disorganized desk.

Is that lamp on the right make of old film canisters?

This cinder block wall will keep nature out!

Here we see that bullying can even happens at your local nudist camp.  Some bully went to the bother of constructing a cinder block wall just so they could toss the women's towels up there.  Nothing says dedication to the craft of bullying then heavy construction labor.

There's no other explanation for this scene.  The director is taking time out to show how bullying can be detrimental in any environment, no matter how laid back.  It's a real statement, and a brave one, to be inserted into a movie that is basically just an excuse to show T&A.

Oh, and the jiggling.  Probably just an unexpected side effect.  Statement!  Bravo, director!

Jackie Kennedy, no!  This movie is beneath you!

And now, this blog presents, the worse acting ever.  It's a conversation which sounds like it was created using speech synthesis software on an Apple ][, where both women look at everything other than the person they are supposedly talking too, and the lines sounds like nothing that has ever been said by a human, humaniod, or Mugato.

And where are they?  The wall is made of blood, there seems to be an upright gurney behind them, and the green safety door to the nuclear power plant is to the right.  The chairs are from the Buck Rogers in the 25th Century collection, and the table looks to be made of lamented bread.

Nice pants, though!

I might need to get this scene on a loop ... for research.

So, here's where I posit a very important question:

Is there a damn beast that kills women in this movie???

Because I haven't seen one, but I have just watched a 3 minute scene involving bunk bed picking.  In the next segment, things had better start looking up!

Coming up next: They don't. Part 3

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