Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Very Interesting, but also Stupid: Miss Nymphet's Zap-In, Part 3

If new to this series, start here.

This one's late.  I had to build up the strength.  Well, not exactly.  First I had to turn off the gas and close the oven door, then I had to build up the strength.  You just have to read about it, I had to basically crawl over acid covered broken glass in the deepest bowels of hell ... I might be being a bit overdramatic.  Slightly.

For this piece, we are going to take a break from 101 Hamburger Jokes for the equally hilarious (a grand mal seizure helps here) 101 Elephant Jokes.  Let's have a sample:

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stomp out forest fires!

Q: Why do elephants have flat feed?
A: To stamp out burning ducks!

Is it wrong that I'm missing Ralphus?

Here we have Sardu a Russian diplomat named ... sigh ... General NutsOff.  The glorious heights of comedy from this scene will never again be reached, and when they finally crest the top of the mountain, we can all hope the thin oxygen chokes them dead.

He's disappointed that American women are not hairy all over, like Russian women.  I have to stop here as I'm treading on very thin ice with my Russian audience of spammers -- and treading on thin ice is something elephants would never do.  Did I say elephant?  Time for an elephant joke!

Q: One way to catch elephants:
A: Hide in the grass and make a noise like a peanut!

I guess Euthanasia it is!

You know what makes a hilarious joke?  STDs.  Also, elephants.

Q: How do you lift an elephant?
A: Put him on an acorn and wait twenty years!

When exploring the deepest jungle, make sure to take your pith helmet and nice slacks.

I love this next bit.  It's basically a white explorer getting eating in more ways than one by a sexy native.  What's great about it is that it's racists as all hell by one angle, but progressive in the other as the woman has all the sexual power.

It's the matter/anti-matter of nudie comedy.  Any hope that a spontaneous reaction destroys the rest of this film is quickly dashed, though.

Q: Why do elephants never lie?
A: The grass isn't very comfortable!

Pippi Longstockings: The Club Years.

It's Miss Nymphet again.  You can barely hear anything she says because she's trying for a sultry tone.  Instead it comes off as like whispering to the person next to you that you have to go really, really bad and could you please hurry up?

So, bonus jokes!

Q: What's gray and white and red all over?
A: A sunburnt elephant!

Q: Why are elephants gray?
A: So you can tell them from the bluebirds!

Go-Go Away.

Our go-go dancers make another of their numerous returns.  The one of the right can dance.  The one of the left can waddle forward and then backwards.  It's amazing how mismatched they are.  One is somewhat sexy and the other seems to have workplace injuries.

I'm still not sure if we are paying the proper respect to our plastic and plywood Taj Mahal.  Hey, there's elephants in India, right?

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: They can't afford suitcases!

The first time Holly Madison saw Hef naked.

That's certainly not a wig.  They had to clear all the cats off the set or else the wig might give chase.

Her face isn't a reaction to a joke, it's the actress realizing that the wig she is currently wearing was just used in another scene to create the "60s hairy man chest" effect.

Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Two scoops of ice cream, some soda, and an elephant!

The pants are a deadlier weapon than the knife.

Just when you thought this movie couldn't cross a line, you see it charge straight through it and over an embankment.  The next quick joke is a home invasion rape-joke.  And it's smiles all around!  The basic setup is the guy breaks in and the woman says "I though I was the one that was supposed to stick it up!"


I honestly want to take a bath myself now, and I hope my tub has more than one inch of water in it.  Seriously, why?  Are only the backs of her legs dirty?

I leave you with this:

Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
A: From playing Marbles!

Yes, there's more: Part 4

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