Monday, August 13, 2012

Heat Miser's Open Letter to Santa Claus

How do like me now, fat man?

July was the hottest month ever recorded in the USA.  I'm sure it was excellent for you, wrapped up in that ridiculous red coat.  Oh, what is that?  Did you not hear me?  Are you too busy bailing out your quaint little toy making factory?  Did you check the thermometer?  Well, I have a thermometer that you can suck, you pompous, overweight, fur-faced toy store!

You think this is all I got?

Did you hear that the polar bears, because of the melting ice, are having a hard time finding food?  Maybe I should direct them towards all those little snack-sized elves stuck on the ice flows.  That's basically a felt-wrapped hot pocket for a bear!

You know how everything I touch burns in my clutch?  No, not a Misfits lyric, but a description of my diabolical heat powers!  What should I touch?  How about that annoying red-nosed reindeer?  Wouldn't it be better if the entire reindeer was red?  More color coordinated, and a much better song:

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
had a very shiny nose,
and if you ever saw it,
then you'd be seeing a ghost because he's dead, fried to a crisp at one touch of my burning hand!

Ok, yeah, that last part was a Misfits lyric.

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