After 8 years of correspondence school while in jail (after an unfortunate run in with some meddling kids), Spooky Space Kook has achieved his dream of becoming a lawyer specializing in elaborate props and cease-and-desist letters.
To: Art Linkletter
Re: Kids say the Darndest Things
My client, Jerry Springer, requests that you stop producing your show "Kids say the Darndest Things", which is obviously a rip-off of my client's show "Adults say the Darndest Things." To disguise this, you removed the 300 pound woman with short-shorts and the inbreed siblings, but you can not deny the similarity as both shows feature guests missing most of their front teeth.
More examples of your extreme idea-theft abound; you have children -- when asked about marriage -- that say "Yuck! I don't like girls!" This is the obviously first stage of a "Surprise, I'm Gay" show ... just without the surprise, the fist-fight, or the satisfying crunch of a chair into somebody's face. How many of these "children" (Highly paid actors? Dogs in kid suits? Who can be sure?) have funny stories about "catching" mom and dad "doing" something? Perverts? Vouyers? Sex-fiends? All staples of my client's show!
Spooky Space Kook, Esq. I ain't you baby dada!
To: Casting Director for "Peter Pan"
Re: Casting women as Peter Pan
My clients, a collection of bigoted homophobs, asks you to kindly stop messing with their minds.
Spooky Space Kook, Esq. I feel dirty.
To: Heavy Metal Band "Pharaoh's Sword"
Re: New Album
After the release of your newest album, "Tridents of the Damned", I was hired by a group of your fans that want you to cease-and-desist "selling out", as they put it. Frankly, I must agree.
"Trident of the Damned" is nowhere near as kick-ass as "Metal Orgy" or "Eyeball Vice." While this new album has finally afforded you a hit with the ballad "When I love you there, I go there, in there", your fans describe this song as "wussy", "a freakin' pop song", and "what, was Phil Collins producing?" This behavior has got to stop.
I received a note from your manager that simply read: "Look, the band's tired of eating a Taco Bell, alright? Can we make something that will sell? Is that such a crime?" For a band that made an entire concept album about a possessed goat, I feel the answer is YES.
Spooky Space Kook, Esq. Rock On.
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