Halloween 2013: A Terrifying Visit to the Bark at the Moon Haunted House

Down the street from my modest abode is a new haunted walk-through attraction, the "Bark at the Moon Haunted House."  What horrors could lie within these black plastic covered walls?  What slithering fear creeps between the plastic skeletons and animated throw-up barrel zombie?  Let's enter and find out!

First we encounter our mad scientist; this scientist might just be a little too mad, or a little too full of Mad Dog 20/20, the booze that prides itself on being indistinguishable from windex.

What will happen when he drinks this foul concoction?  I'm not sure, but I can tell you that the time is probably Tuesday at 3 pm.

Turn the corner in the haunt and you encounter a snarling man-sized cocker spaniel with a terrible mange problem.

Wait, what?  Sorry, werewolf.  Werewolf!  My bad.

This vicious beast leaps at you, corners you, and requests the number of a good dentist.

The next section of this terrifying haunted house is the lunatic asylum.  You see the silent pain of many inmates who were ultimately driven made by mild cocker spaniel attacks.  Wheel back in fear as they lunge at you, only stopped by their chains and counter-weighted by their luxurious metal hair.

Every inmate is accompanied by two roadies who might or might not be able to get you in to the see the band, but if they do you a favor, you know, maybe you should do them a favor.

Didn't realize the place was that scary, did you?

Next up is the hall of really unflattering camera angles.

Go through another garbage-bag-strip door and you're in the room of the moderately frightening vampires or a type of "hell house" room designed to scare you into getting braces.

These fiends from hell will either attempt to bite you or just attempt to close their mouths.

The next room forces you to confront your fear of death and/or special effects from the Halloween discount rack at Target.

Here you see the end result of a life of debauchery, a life of sin and hedonism, a life with a management and video team that can't say no because your a big star and I don't care how silly it looks I'm Ozzy Prince of Darkness Osbourne and I say it's great!

Fine, you get your plastic corpse, you prima donna!

You can feel your getting to the end of this haunted house, your nerves are already frayed beyond belief and you just want it to be over.  Still you have to encounter the wailing man, a tortured spirit who is forced to wander this earth for some unknown sin, though I think it's probably agreeing to do the album "Technical Ecstasy."

The final room in this house of horrors is at one time both the most scary and the most perplexing room.  It's the Den of Polite Freddy Mercurys.  Nice guys, all of them, but just slightly sinister.

Might attempt to talk you into a monochromatic leotard.  That is your cue to exit as fast as possible!

Finally free of the terrors, you and your date can exit this haunted attraction knowing full well that no matter what horrors you saw there, there's no way it would scar your psyche so bad that you would consider dressing up like a giant bumble bee for the next tour.

Oh.