Saturday, November 2, 2013

Kick Axe: On The Road to Rock

8 Things I Learned from the metal video:

Kick Axe
On the Road to Rock

1. God is a giant, glowing, Canadian clamp monster

Philosophically speaking, this explains a whole hell of a lot.  It does, however, mean I'm probably going to hell for all the Canada bashing that is to follow in this post.  I assume my infinite torture will involve clamps.

2. Classical music sucks

Clamp god hates classical music, and would rather hear three power chords strung together by a band that, only a single year ago, was selling maple syrup out of the back of a truck at hockey games.

Granted, there's a lot more half-naked chicks in metal, so maybe clamp god's got something right there in his infinite wisdom.

3. High schools always have hot teachers in disguise

The sexiness can only be released by the bare minimum of musicianship and a song that wouldn't be catchy if you gave it herpes and set it free at a Phish concert.

4. Canada is so low on musicians that they had to thaw out a caveman

It causes all sorts of problems when the flash pots go off and he runs around screaming about vengeful sky gods.  He hasn't yet been completely convinced of the whole giant glowing clamp god yet.

The mist behind him?  Not mysterious smoke, but just the temperature inversion because this is Canada and it's -30 celsius or whatever crazy moon man system they use over there in Canada.  'merica!

5. This school is only full of Kick Axe fans

It's either that or Bryan Adams or Loverboy, so I think they made the right decision.

Right now, all over the internet, angry Rush fans and popping keys off their keyboards from rage typing angry comments.  Honestly, don't you have polar bears to run from?  Remember, the Canada bashing will not let up until moral improves.

6. Kick Axe fans can't take care of shirts

Is it that hard to not rip every shirt?  Is this because Canadians wash everything on rocks by the frozen rivers?

Who is the front women off to the left?  She looks a mummified version of Mae West.

7. This is one good thing about Canada

It seems there's such a shortage of men because of polar bear/maple syrup/hockey related injuries that even old guys can get relatively -- by Canadian standards -- hot young women.

I'm still puzzling out who is wearing their pants up too high in this clip.  This is not something that should ever be a contest between young woman and old man.

8. The editor hates the singer

If you've got another reason for this making it into the video, I'd like to hear it.

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