Double Agent 73

This is the exciting follow-up to Deadly Weapons, and it broke box office records.  Mostly because Chesty Morgan sat her enormous breasts on the box keeping the records.

These sparklers used up the special effects budget!

Directed by the shoe fetish demon living inside Doris Wishman's head, and seemingly done at the same time and same locations -- unless you want to assume there were two rooms with blood-red shag carpeting -- this epic adventure has Chesty Morgan as a top-heavy secret agent, breaking up a deadly heroin smuggling ring.

Based on Morgan's sleepy demeanor throughout this picture, I think she saved the world by ingesting all the heroin herself.

Those are her relaxing vacation platforms and hot pants.

Here's our star: giant red platform shoes.  I'm not kidding about the shoes, I'd say about 10% of the run time of this movie focuses on shoes.  I didn't count, nobody is paying me to do this so I'm not about to start taking this seriously enough to run statistics.

The other 10% is boobs, and the final 80% is the best damn busy-print, big-collared shirts you've ever seen.

She's dreaming that the overlaid footage is from a much better movie.

Chesty has a camera implanted in her left breast; she squeezes it to take photos.  This was certainly the one line description used to secure financing for movie.  The surgery montage gives time for Chesty to rest off the mercury poisoning from whatever deadly toxin made her hair that color.

Spoiler alert!  There's another secret agent Chesty falls for, and there's also a secret big boss of the organization.  Gosh, who could the secret big boss be?  Did I say spoiler?  I meant the plot was written by somebody at the tail end of a four day bender where they only ate spoiled hams.

Nothing says "Hospital" like "Blood Red Shag Carpeting."

Chesty awakes in the convenient hotel room/hospital and discovers her nurse is a spy.  Normally, she would let something like that go, but the nurse has a much better blonde job and there's only room for one flaxen head of gold-colored pipe cleaners and it's going to be the one with the enormous boobs.

You get a good 30 second view of the nurse's sensible shoes when strangling.

Honestly, do you have a big boob and shoe fetish?  Stop reading this and get this movie.  You won't be sorry, and you won't leave your room.

Strawberry jam makes a terrible body wash.

Our gang -- no, not the one with Alfalfa but wouldn't that be a good twist? -- figures out that the world's most conspicuous spy is after them.  So they by mistake kill Chesty's friend in a pretty decent Psycho rip-off, that is if Hitchcock though about craning the camera over the shower door so the woman -- who was paid to look sexy -- instead looks like her butt is half the size of her head.

Yes, they explain how somebody could mistake a B cup for Chesty's triple-double-dog-dare-Z cup.

This woman gets stabbed about thirty times.  Luckily for the guy preparing the body for the funeral, the killer was nice enough to not leave any knife wounds.

Somebody read that Cosmo/Ice Cube/Sex article wrong!

Chesty starts hunting down the gang and killing them in inventive absolutely nutty ways.  This guy she kills by stuffing his mouth full of ice cubes.  Another guy she knocks around with her boobs, and another guy she murders by coating her nipples with poison.

I'd say it's an amazing adventure, but Chesty just seems so out of it through all of it!  Jamming ice cubes down some poor slob's throat is about as interesting as flower arrangement, or towel selection, or shopping for blinds to Chesty.

How can you be so bored when nearly every location has some hideously bright shag carpeting or is full of knick-nacks taken from the Cenobite's dimension?  Case in point:

The tumble weed sets off the ivory anal intruder nicely.

Nothing properly frames a silver lamé leisure suit like nice pictures of flowers in the Phantom Zone and some African tribal art made in Elkhart, IN.

This is the scene where Chesty makes out with our secret big boss other spy and the only thing that's wearing protection is the lamp shade.

He died stylish!

Chesty kills some guy by tossing her earring at his neck, which just starts a bad case of psoriasis on his neck.  What really does him in is the sub-atomic quark level interaction between his green suit and the regurgitated pea-soup carpet.

Soon they will merge into one tacky mess.

Most Ninja's don't bring their purses on missions.

Get ready for the most original action star ever:

The Barbiturate-Chomping,

Harlequin Clown,

Big-Boobed Ninja!

This next scene has got to be one of the most jaw dropping things I've seen, and I've watched Evil Toons.  She's hiding in the shower, ready to jump out and karate chop a bad guy, which she does.  It's a very ninja move, except for the following slight problems:

• Her ninja costume consists of somebody's picnic blanket
• She lumbers out of the shower like a wildebeest falling into a gully
• She brought her purse with her

I suspect she got into by spy school because of some court ordered boob-related quota.

Down-on-his-luck Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn, and a small pox blanket.

This is what passes for Russians on a Doris Wishman set.  I do appreciate that the guy took the time to fill in the top of his head with "grape purple" marker.

The woman is taking off her coat in what has to be the most unnatural way since Mum-ra used dark magic to remove his socks.  Yes, I'm sure somebody will comment that this is the way they remove their coat, but as luck would have it, nobody comments on this blog.

It's what I like to call "a double edged sword" and everybody else likes to call "pathetic."

No matter what, she would not reveal the secret of the pants.

Chesty makes it back just in time to get the explosive camera removed.  Did I forget to mention it was explosive?  So did the script!

At first I thought she was having a bad reaction to the MC Hammer meets Line Feed Printer Paper pants*, or maybe she just missed her mouth while trying to eat a grape jelly sandwich.

* There, I've reached my 80s reference total for this article.  Now to figure out how to monetize that!

She saved him from the decor.

Chesty confronts our traitor spy, and instead of chocking him by wraping his face in the lamp shade plastic (do I have to help out every script?), she just straight up shoots him, while she is in disguise as Elvis during the"store hams in his jumpsuit" time.

Now we finally big adieu to Doris Wishman and her big shoes, Chesty Morgan and her big boobs, and the 70s with it's big colors, big collars, and couches formed from hardened cottage cheese.