Saturday, March 23, 2013

Mountains of Mammaries: House on Bare Mountain, Part 7

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

Now, the stunning conclusion of House on Bare Mountain!  Spoiler: There's boobs.

Hopefully this is the fashion police.

As our wild party goes on upstairs, downstairs, and judging by the way Creese is dressed it's downstairs enough to be hell, the police finally close in on Granny Good's moonshine operation.  Granny Good tricks the cops into trying the booze, and they fall instantly into either an alcoholic stupor -- or, and more likely -- their brains shut down attempting to process the image of 250 pounds of perspiring lard in a flapper dress.

Granny Good makes a narrow escape, well, as narrow as Creese possibly could as he's a man that has to be attentive of width restriction when walking through a train tunnel.  But there's more danger that awaits Granny as there's still the problem of the mysterious stranger that's been stalking her.

Did I forgot to mention him?  You could say that, but "forgetting" and "caring" are two vastly different things.

Somebody missed the memo on Naked Twister Party etiquette.

And now one of our jokes comes to a merciful end, as one of our chicks finally finished up the dictionary by reading the last entry, a definition of Zebra: noun; 80s Hair Metal Band.

She rips off her top and the booze fueled party tips into overdrive.  Well, same party, same dancing, just more boobs and less pathetic surprise caveman vampires.

Again, your humble hosts posits that this might be slightly unreal.  I've been to a lot of parties, some with dancing, and not a single woman threw off her top, and I'm certain it wouldn't start a topless cascade reaction.  Hope springs eternal!

First Frankenstein's Monster with nice slacks.

There's 2 minutes dedicated to this woman dancing and the guy in the Frankenstein's Monster costume having the best damn day ever.  She's actually pretty good at the 60s go-go dancing, she twists so hard a couple times you could see both boobs and butt; in comics this is called the BrokeBack Pose.

How is it pulled off?  I'm guess the torque gained from the iron armature that's holding up that huge pile of hair on the top of her head.

Does gluing weasels to your face count as make-up?

So we finally discover the identity of our mysterious stalker -- he's the union boss for werewolves, and Granny Good's been working Krakow too hard!  Also in his list of complains is Granny's demand for cuddle time and how Krakow has to towel Granny off after every bath.  Luckily, that only happens every 2 to 3 years and the blindness usually passes after a week, so it's not too bad.

Do women get upset if they show up to the same party with the same giant frilly panties?

Our parties in full swing, the boobs are out, the glitter is down, and the granny panties are in full bloom.  The Phantom of the Opera seems to be getting his buzz on, the drunk cops are stumbling around, and the carpet is now a class-A carrier of every STD known to modern 60s science.

So we're at the end, and where's our promised twist ending?  One so surprising it turns around the entire picture, and puts new meanings and interpretations to every frame, and ads an especially somber tone to two topless hot babes throwing an oversized beach ball back and forth?

Remember how the film started with Granny Good locked up?

This isn't acting, it's how Creese really treated his actors!

Well, she's actually on the other side of bars, and she's got the cops, Krakow, the union boss, and the female spy slaving away to run her moonshine operation.  Seems a bit risky when they can climb over the gate, and really, the bars are only attacked to cardboard walls ... but who's going to doubt 250 pounds of wet, quivering demon ox flesh in a tight dress?

Somewhere, a really terrible hack script writer is taking notes.

I hope the notes read "more naked chicks" and not "add dumb twist ending."

One related thing next, and no joke: Werewolf Bongo Party.

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