Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Mountains of Mammaries: House on Bare Mountain, Part 2

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

We continue with our investigation of the events at the House on Bare Mountain ... and how all the cryptic clues essential to solving this mystery seem to be boob-based.

Poochy enhanced sense of smell made life hell on the set.

Our spy and one of Granny Good's girls discuss the finer points of drapes/dress matching, who has the most unappealing clothing wrinkles, and if carrying around a vaguely poodle shaped collection of dryer lint works as a fashion accessory.

In between curling their hair with industrial pipe bending equipment, our spy finds out that there's something scary outside.  Other than Bob Creese.

Put up lipstick before bed, saves time in the morning.

Stripping help punctuate the monster discussion.

Absolutely nothing scares away monsters more than women getting naked.  It's sure fire, it's never been demonstrated in any media, especially not movies, that taking off clothes -- in any manner -- attracts monsters.  Trust me, your window, and my werewolf mask.

Anyway, let's move onto what is certainly not the same room with the curtains closed and a bunk bed added.  We've only seen three naked women at this point, and that's nowhere near the promised bevy.  More like a gaggle.

The recommended bunk bed climbing shoe has at least a 3 inch heel.

Our next two beauties get ready for bed by going in and out of clothes.  It seems my bed time ritual of going from day to night clothes has some steps missing ... about thirty-six of them.  Both women have the exact same hair color, a cross between a soggy pumpkin and a bowl of sweet potatoes.

One woman is described as being Russian, while looking absolutely nothing like a Russian woman.  I assume this was Creese trying to find some commonality during the height of the cold war.  He's telling us that no matter how our political systems differ, we can still all agree that women have boobs and butts, and people will pay to look at them.

Truly a sentiment for the ages!

*                                          ***                                           *

And now, this blog presents the first entry in a feature which skirts precariously
close to copyright infringement and far, far away from comedy:

The Gallery of Regrettable Panties

Sorry, Mr. Lileks.  Somebody had to do it.

New from Mother Russia: The neon day-glow bloomer-anties.

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Maybe you should cut down on the washing if it drains all the color from your hair!

Now our film shifts to a high school locker room before the concept of restraining orders were invented.  Granny Good starts a voice over that both pun filled and grating, and one is not the cause of the other.

Please, ladies, don't use the soap like that!  Other people have to use it!  Transfer the soap to a wash cloth, and then dispose of the wash cloth in a crematorium.  You can never be too sure.

Did every color in the 60s have to be so bland?  That tile is the color of mucus from a corpse!

House on Bare Mountain's craft service table.

At the end of our first T&A segment, we get a good look at what was making all the explosion sounds earlier -- a perfectly intact with no signs of damage from an explosion -- still.  It seems the only continuity in this film is that the women still have the same butts from scene to scene.

It looks like Granny Good is running a bootlegging operation, and somehow a werewolf is involved.

Hopefully he's not naked.

Onward to part 3!

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