The Naked Ape: Rebuttal

Now, because 7 parts wasn't enough, we offer a little bit of space for a rebuttal by the Beast himself.  Take it away you hilariously inept guy-in-a-suit monster.

Beast think treated very unfairly by movie!  Beast is no killer, specially not of attractive naked women! Beast is lover at heart, beast have soul of very small and fragile thing, like, say, some knick-knack.  Like porcelain figurine.  Maybe that cute one of little girl with umbrella and rain slickers!  Beast like that one!

Beast seem to get off track.

The real problem for Beast is that Beast have dissociative identity disorder!  Is true!  Beast's required psychology credit in college useful now!  What cause Beast's identity to shatter?  What bring about killer personality when Beast is actually really nice guy that want to hold open doors for naked ladies instead of ripping them open in a frenzy of teeth and claw?

Butt coverings!  60s butt coverings!  Look at the horror Beast have to deal with in movie!

You'd go crazy too!

Beast not responsible!  60s is!  And not like Beast hasn't seen good shorts in 60s!

When Beast steal lift fair use photo, it labeled "Homina-Homina!"  So let this be a lesson to both Beast and 60s nudie-cutie film makers.  Better pants, better shorts, better panties, less terrible tragedies at hands of enraged Beast!

Thank you!

Yes, Beast was shot dead.  Beast got better.  Lame comedy blog not about to let this bit go!

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 7

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

At this point, for those that have been following along in something other than a slightly incoherent haze, our beast of The Beast That Killed Women has killed exactly one woman.  Hopefully he can make it to two so it's actually women, but I suspect that would cut down on the talking heads/bouncing boobs scenes, so I don't expect that to happen.

She's not laughing, she's screaming.  Really.

Our beast, who not only looks like an area rug but is about as dumb as one, swallows the police woman bait whole and starts our movie's final Benny Hill sketch act. 

The beast hears the waiting police men coming and the chase is on!  Note that in this context "chase" is defined as "leisurely stroll in ape costume while grunting."

Beast audition for Might Joe Young.  Not work out so well!

Beast's animal senses tell beast that danger lurks!  Beast better adjust silly mask and leave tiki hut to meet grisly fate.  No use waiting, beast either die by gun or embarrassment, and by bullet probably read better on beast's gravestone!

Beast go out like a man!  In a costume!  In ill fitting costume!

'Tis a bad movie that killed the beast!

And our beast goes down like the sack of crap he is.  Not with a whimper, but with a final ook ook and then the guy in an ape suit rolls around looking for a good position to die in.  It's not a dignified death.

None of the night scenes are lit well, and the ape being pitch black doesn't help.  Luckily, the directory thought ahead this time and lit the scene by diffusion from 1000 watt white shorts.

Disney's World Famous Jungle Cruises -- Sleaze Edition!

We've got 10 minutes left so a slime ball welcomes all our soon to be naked campers back, including a woman wearing a giant green mumu -- now we now how the beast snuck in.

Then more scenes in the locker room, more nude woods walking (will nobody think of the chiggers?), more nude swimming, and just more general nudie-ness.  It's almost as if the film wasn't focused on the beast, the one that killed women or the one that scored well in the naked beach volleyball tournament.

How the hell do you water those plants above the sliding glass door?

Hey, a resolution!  The cops get a tip and arrest this women, who I assume is the owner of the ape.  Nothing is said.  There are no lines.  They lead her away, and that's that.

Drama!  Tension!  Excitement!  All words we can't use here!

The last 10 minutes of this film consists of some of the loudest ambient insect noise I've heard, and I've seen the movie Swarm.  Oddly, in this scene, it's a cacophony of children screaming.  No joke: It stops when they are in the house, but is incredibly loud by the pool and in the front yard.  And there's nary a child to be seen!  It's a weird choice in a movie about boobs and butts!  Is it the ambient noises of a bunch of horny 16 year olds trying to climb over the drive-in fence?

My summer camp experiences sadly had 100% less boobs.

And finally, another visit from our two bed buddies who spent the entire film cowering in bed at every noise or at the completely unnecessary fear of a violent, 400 pound animal.  Wusses!  I'd call them something else, but that wasn't allowed in the 60s nudie cutie genre.

And here ends our story about The Beast That Killed that One Lady or At Least Made Her Soil Her Pants, and Made the Other Lady Burst Out Laughing, plus Boobs.

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 6

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

I've been neglecting to mention this movie constantly cuts back to the dimly lit limbo which it's desperately trying to pretend is a hospital for another installment of Exposition and Smoking Theatre.

I watched this movie because I heard there was jiggling in it.

Nothing makes the jello go down smoothly like dry crackers and a box of marlboro and kools.  Kids love he kools because it starts with a "K" (radical!) and love the marlboros because they cause your lungs to look like the inside of a metal smelting plant (awesome!)

The cops come in and explain that they are going to put up a decoy police woman to catch the ape.  Here's a good chance for the movie to switch to a police procedural, where we see how the police go about setting up the sting.

There isn't a singe person in this scene without at least 3 ticks on them.

Or, of course, endless scenes of the police women walking by naked people.

By the way, what kind of camera did they use on this?  I've never seen grass that green.  It looks like radioactive easter basket grass!

One for the low self-esteem ladies.

Nobody explains why our police women is taking an extended tour of the nudist camp, or why she doesn't put an end to nearly 30 people (this scene goes on for a while) running across what looks like a wet and sure to be super slippery granite.  It's just good pool safety!  What we are paying our local police for?  Do you job!  Hand out some tickets!

I leave it up to the boys (and lady) in blue to decide where they are going to stick those tickets.

Hey, guy with the blue pants, nudist camp.  No tourists!

Lady Cop: "I love sitting out in the sun, with the cool breeze bringing in the funky smell from the naked folk."

Note to camera guy: Those flags?  You can move them out of the way before you start shooting.  Just thought I'd let you know.

It's like a 80s Faberge commercial with boobs!*

One of director Barry Mahon tricks is to have multiple sets of naked chicks re-iterate the plot to each other, usually in a performance so wooden you'll swear you're looking at the naked version of stockholm syndrome.  It's obviously just a way to insert more women and give them the minimum number of lines to read, but it does give you a quick overview of 60s hairstyles, from held up with hair spray to held up with industrial strength hydraulic cement.

* remember that 80s Faberge shampoo commercial, "I told 2 friends, etc" with the geometric progression of women using the shampoo?  The caption's funny now, isn't it?  Aren't you amazed at how clever I am for calling back to ad jingles from 30 years ago and expecting an audience of hyperactive ADD kids to recognize?  Well, aren't you?  Love me!

Shorts?  Dress?  Wrap?  You decide!

And another entry in the Gallery of Unfortunate Shorts™©®, all rights reserved, in perpetuity, so there (sorry, again, Mr Lileks!)

With this, The Beast That Killed Women begins it's descent into the action-packed finale.  Yeah, you know the movies I review, but I thought I'd try at least a little to convince you otherwise.

Excitement awaits, Part 7!

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 5

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

After a bloody and grisly attack, our nudist pull out their sure-fire weapon for scaring away beasts:

Next up, naked Rock-em, Sock-em Robots.

Naked square dancing.

Not the most back-to-nature nudist camp, is it?  It's more like Stalag 13.  Somebody hanging used garland against the stark cement block wall isn't suddenly going to make that gray monolithic blend in with the trees.  That said, if you can even see the wall with all the bouncing that's going on, then you're probably pre-occupied most of the time with right angles and mortar composition.

I'd recommend focusing on the female boobs because if you do, you're likely to miss the furry ones on the paunchy 60s guy.

Beast trapped in plant area at Pier 1 again!

Beast finally back!

Beast titular character in film, yet beast have very few scenes!

Beast need to talk to agent.  Maybe beast stop killing women, start killing agent!  Beast wait, though, beast in talks to star in Saturday Morning live-action cartoon called Ghost Busters.  Beast wait until sees if he has job.  Hope beast doesn't have to co-star with any hammy actors, like guys in F-troop.  Hope beast's words aren't ironic.

An exciting scene, filmed in pitch-black-arama.

It's hard to see, but our beast is heaving this actor.  He gets a good 3 feet up and 5-10 feet out, and looks really frightened -- you can't blame him -- because knowing the shoot, the water is probably full of hepatitis A through triple Z.

The one time we have something exciting going on, and the director decides this is the time to light the scene with wistful fire-flies.

Saves time in the morning if you put your lipstick on before going to bed.

During the tense (have I convinced you?) beast scenes, we get multiple scenes of scared topless hotties climbing into bed together.  I know what you are thinking, but take that thought and bury it in the same deep, dark hole that the negatives of this film should have be interned in.

Sorry folks, but this is as suggestive as the 60s nudie cutie genre is going to get.  That is, unless it so happens that your personal fetish is women arguing over bunk space, then boy, you've hit the jackpot!

Eugene Levy's dad got some plum roles!

Here's a scene where the cops question a woman for what seems like 47 hours to determine that the beast is actually a gorilla.  There's a small problem -- outside of the tedium -- with this scene, which I've helpful outlined with arrows.

Look, I don't want to tell the director to do his job, but, actually, yes, yes I do want to tell the director how to do his job.  Block the scene better, you hack!

So this Coke machine serves cottage cheese in a bottle?

Thankfully not a remake of Carrie.

Hey, again, blocking!  Is that 9 important?  Does it have significance later?  Then center the actors on the camera!  We're missing out on a complete butt!

It seems our lovely ladies are fleeing the camp after the second fearsome beast attack.  Will there be anybody left to jump around topless?  Well, not counting the beast.

More!  Part 6

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 4

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

After the awesome appearance of the beast, the director wisely decides to slow down the movie with endless footage of hearse parking, gurney unloading, gurney traveling to crime site, body loading, gurney making a return trip, and gurney loading.

All interspaced with lots of naked chicks saying things like "I heard there's a body" and "let's go see the body" and "Melissa, who does your butt bronzer, it's so cute, I just must know!"

Careful ... careful ... you might hit the invisible cars.

I think at this point we need to try something a little different as the beast has gone AWOL and it's getting a bit hard to come up with comedy that's not pun-related.  So, we present:

Welcome to the Parade of Horrorables™

First Annual

Nudist Discuss the Important Issues of the Day

Blog Post

Let's look in on some conversation about the important topics that have an impact on ourselves, our communities, and our potential viewing of boobs.

Red Head: Did you know that E=mc^2 only counts for bodies at rest?

Black Hair: Of course, the correct equation for bodies in motion is E^2=(mc^2)^2 + (cp)^2.

I find this painting the most fascinating piece in the museum.  The artist used the medium of matted blue hair to convey the existential anguish of being Henry McCoy, and having to choose between Professor Xavier's ideas and the renegade Scott Summers.

I call this meeting of Mensa to order.  First up, we'll calculate the exact weight of our breasts by modeling the complex surface area and decomposing it into simpler solids who's composition will determine the overall weight.

Left: I've done it, I've finally broken the energy efficiency problem with solar panels!

Center: Ah, I've seen what you've done, you've used alternating colors to channel specific wavelengths of light to create an effect that raises the ability of the solar cells to convert the photons to energy!

Right: I have pretty hair!

It's nice that they installed a refreshing soda machine next to pink Stonehenge.

Thank you.

This series will return the next time

the blog author runs out of nude lady jokes.

Well, we know she died in terror...

The body of our unfortunate ape and fashion victim is carted away, and The Beast That Killed Women rumbles on like a runaway toy train down a very gentle slope.

While Dracula has garlic, it seems our beast is frightened of naked hotties, which means we've got a ways to go before we see him again.  This is either an extremely good thing or an extremely bad thing.  You'll be the judge when we get to part 82.

Keep going: Part 5

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 3

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

The movie is beginning to build up to an orgy of blood and mayhem as the beast makes his fearsome appearance!  Also included with that orgy is an orgy of bad pants decisions, male spare tires, and enough fake tiki crap to fill a luau lounge located conveniently right off the interstate.  Next to the Stuckey's.

It's not a 60s nudie cutie feature if there's isn't one woman with high heels at the beach.

"Sure I'll be in your movie, if I get a featured dance!"

Here we get an extended dance number by the fire and clearly lit by a giant lamp behind the camera.  It's as if the director didn't care a wit about nearly anything except endless phone/boob scenes.

This, though, gives us a background for which the beast can finally make his appearance.  Grid your loins, here he comes:

Beast no like plastic foliage!  Remind beast of Pier 1!

Let's give the crew a break -- the whole budget was used up on sun tan lotion and penicillin -- there really wasn't a lot left over for the ape costume.

The beast found my blow-up woman with bonus mouth orifice!

This woman screams as at first sight of the beast, or after she's read another page of the script, or after she's seen her wardrobe for the day.  This beautifully awful, neon-colored smock looks less like something a sexy nudist would wear and more like an outfit for a grade school production of Peter Pan.

The Christmas ornament on her left breast is a nice touch.  Merry Christmas!  Here's you children's construction paper shirt!

The beast grabs our hot mess and carries her off to her eventually fate.  Hopefully the mortician has a better fashion sense.

Purple and gold pants make beast angry!

One strange thing: the ape noises sound exactly like how an 8 year old might imitate an elephant.  It shows some guts on the part of the director to not go for the obvious sound effect, and instead go to the wildly inaccurate and wholly idiotic sound effect.

Our woman makes a break for it, only to be tracked down by our beast and in a howl of random animal noises, not a single one gorilla related, kills her dead.  The purple pants, sadly, live on.  They can not die, for they have never really lived.

Now this is what nudist really look like!

In the morning a couple nudist stumble over our first victim, right after they had stumbled over a box of donuts and a complete meal at Uncle Bob's Cake Emporium and Bacon Buffet (open on Sunday).  The man runs, the woman screams, and I'm pretty worried that we are a third into this movie and the director ran out of pretty people.

At least we have the beast!  Oh mighty beast, killer of female nudist, please rain your bounty down upon us!  Or, just fade back into the background so we can have another 20 minutes of nude footage.  Whatever you feel like.  Up to you and your ill fitting ape costume!

Onward, part 4.

The Naked Ape: The Beast That Killed Women, Part 2

Start here if new to this series: Part 1

Continuing on with our examination of The Beast That Killed Women.  In this segment, the excitement grows ... when will the beast strike?  Is he lurking just off camera?  Is he behind a tree?  Can 20 minutes of fake nudist camp footage ratchet up the suspense?

The Donner party was a lot sexier than history taught us!

No, no it can't.

What is entertaining is seeing how badly people who aren't trained actors walk when the camera is on them.  The first couple minutes is a parade of hotties walking back and forth across this tree.  Not a single one walks in the way normal humans walk.  Is as if the struts holding up their hair has transitioned to their joints.

They walk about as well as my 10 year old self motivated his Mego Marvel action figures.  In a word, not very good.  It's a bit sexier in the movie, though.  Iron Man was cool breaking through many a lincoln log wall, but he was never sexy.

Well, once he was.  Long story.

Who is this?  Mary Tyler Moore?  You say you want your haircut back?

.... and another phone scene.  Nothing makes naked chicks sexier than taking a phone call from a disorganized desk.

Is that lamp on the right make of old film canisters?

This cinder block wall will keep nature out!

Here we see that bullying can even happens at your local nudist camp.  Some bully went to the bother of constructing a cinder block wall just so they could toss the women's towels up there.  Nothing says dedication to the craft of bullying then heavy construction labor.

There's no other explanation for this scene.  The director is taking time out to show how bullying can be detrimental in any environment, no matter how laid back.  It's a real statement, and a brave one, to be inserted into a movie that is basically just an excuse to show T&A.

Oh, and the jiggling.  Probably just an unexpected side effect.  Statement!  Bravo, director!

Jackie Kennedy, no!  This movie is beneath you!

And now, this blog presents, the worse acting ever.  It's a conversation which sounds like it was created using speech synthesis software on an Apple ][, where both women look at everything other than the person they are supposedly talking too, and the lines sounds like nothing that has ever been said by a human, humaniod, or Mugato.

And where are they?  The wall is made of blood, there seems to be an upright gurney behind them, and the green safety door to the nuclear power plant is to the right.  The chairs are from the Buck Rogers in the 25th Century collection, and the table looks to be made of lamented bread.

Nice pants, though!

I might need to get this scene on a loop ... for research.

So, here's where I posit a very important question:

Is there a damn beast that kills women in this movie???

Because I haven't seen one, but I have just watched a 3 minute scene involving bunk bed picking.  In the next segment, things had better start looking up!

Coming up next: They don't. Part 3