Bardos Metal Mania: Y&T: Summertime Girls

Bardos is back, for another metal video review lifted from badly encoded youtube videos -- full of hot chicks and robots -- sure to fire up the imagination of any male!

Y&T

Summertime Girls

Boldest Wardrobe Choice

Pirate Hooters girl.

Hottest Chick(s)

I know it was the 80s, but that blonde in the front really needs a bikini wax if she's going to wear something that small!

And Asian woman to the right, that's a valuable piece of band marketing you've cut up!  Have some respect!

Most Gratuitous Clown Hate

The singer really, really hates Bozo.  When you fit in a sequence where you shoot Bozo in the face with a rocket launcher into a video about how hot girls at the beach, there's some deep seated clown hatred boiling just under the surface.

Was the song originally about the various ways to kill Bozo?  Did the record company say "hey, maybe a video full of hot chicks might do better then on based on slaughtering a beloved children's clown?" cause the band to reconsider?

Try to ignore the bulge above the Hooter's shorts and the bulge below.

I'm guessing I shouldn't have pointed that out.

Best Skin Care

SPF-10W-40.

No matter how well she takes care of her skin, it's going to all rip off when she pulls her butt off that hot black leather chair.

Survival of the Band During a Robot Uprising?

Surprisingly low.  If a robot's first thought when meeting Y&T is to punch the drummer in the face, I'd suggest Y&T lays low during the AI revolution.

Greta Ghoul Visits the Beach

I worked on my tan.  Can't you tell?  I went from alabaster to pearl!

Normally, those that follow the dark path I plot for them know I'm not exactly a day person.  So why would their mistress of murder and princess of the gloom prance around in the sun?  Simple: Sand art!  I love it, I breathe it, I fashion instruments of the damned with it!

Let me show you my newest creation:

I call it Sand Skull.  Stare deeply into his corrupting eyes and be lost forever!

Sadomasicist Nurse Visits The Fair

Parking lot of the defunct K-mart, here we come!

There's nothing I like more than the smell of cotton candy, the taste of elephant ears, and the stinging cries of my clients as my tortures bring them pleasure beyond comprehension ... and those rubber duck games.  Those are a lot of fun!  As a bonus, nothing brings more pain then spending a couple of bucks and getting a pathetic blow up doll, except, of course, the bout of hepatitis from the rancid sewer water those ducks are floating in.

Better yet, nothing helps my business more than the hail of deadly projectiles being flung from each mechanical death trap euphemistically called "rides."  There's the toboggan ride, or more faithfully know as the "hair munching scalper", the ferris wheel or the "twist ties are just as strong as bolts" and the haunted house, or "if you are scared by the sound of air pistons, then this is the ride for you!"

Oh, and the food!  Breading, or "play dough plus paint chips", is the basis of almost every food stuff, not counting the cotton candy which is made of recycled insulation plus a hint of cobwebs.  Throw on sugar and/or dried and flaked duck pond water, and you've got a meal worthy of the hell food truck.

Well, back to work, it looks like we have a bunch of cases of the fair plague!

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 7

Normally we try our best to push our lovely ... ladies ... but even we think we might have crossed a line on this one and you're probably best served ... oh no, no no ... she's coming!  Run!

Hi there.  How are you?  I'm fine!  A matter of fact, I'm better than fine, never felt better in my life!

Don't you believe me?  Of course you do!  Don't be silly!  Everybody likes me!  Everybody believes me!  People that don't like me, well, they don't exist!  We don't have to talk about them!

What are my likes?  You know, I've never really thought about it that way.  I know what I don't like.  People who aren't my friends.  People who say they like me but then never return my calls.  I just hate those kind of people.  Hate.  Hate hate hate hate ... but they don't exist!  Well, at least not anymore.

What kind of stuff do you like?  Ah, who cares!  I know what you like!  Me!  Me me me me me me ME!  You like my smarts, my looks, my food, my friends, everything.  I am your entire universe!  You live inside me, your every second revolves around my life and don't think for a second it doesn't or you don't pick up the phone or you don't tell me how smart and pretty I am or you don't do things that I don't like and have gotten people hurt or just gone or just things happen or just ... just ...

You're pretty!  Let's date!  Hey, we are a couple now!  I love you!

(Art by Joe Kurbert, 1926-2012, Rest in Peace, you've given all of us decades of great work and raised the comic medium immensely.)

Heat Miser's Open Letter to Santa Claus

How do like me now, fat man?

July was the hottest month ever recorded in the USA.  I'm sure it was excellent for you, wrapped up in that ridiculous red coat.  Oh, what is that?  Did you not hear me?  Are you too busy bailing out your quaint little toy making factory?  Did you check the thermometer?  Well, I have a thermometer that you can suck, you pompous, overweight, fur-faced toy store!

You think this is all I got?

Did you hear that the polar bears, because of the melting ice, are having a hard time finding food?  Maybe I should direct them towards all those little snack-sized elves stuck on the ice flows.  That's basically a felt-wrapped hot pocket for a bear!

You know how everything I touch burns in my clutch?  No, not a Misfits lyric, but a description of my diabolical heat powers!  What should I touch?  How about that annoying red-nosed reindeer?  Wouldn't it be better if the entire reindeer was red?  More color coordinated, and a much better song:

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
had a very shiny nose,
and if you ever saw it,
then you'd be seeing a ghost because he's dead, fried to a crisp at one touch of my burning hand!

Ok, yeah, that last part was a Misfits lyric.

Mr. Jinks Top 10 Least Favorite Flavored Water

So, like, those flavored but clear water drinks, like, you know, are real popular, and kind of real gross!  Here are, like, some of my least favorite flavors.

Top 10 Least Favorite Flavored Water

10. Calliope shavings

9. Bits of lint
8. Sun-burnt and peeling
7. Slightly gritty
6. Extra Meecees
5. Random gummy
4. Torgo Tang
3. (tie) Orange / Satan's butt sweat
2. Hanna-Barbera limited animation lime
1. Hint of Fluoride

Bardos Metal Mania: KISS: Who Wants to be Lonely

Bardos, mascot of the the most metal band ever, Access Violate, will take your hand and drag you straight to hell where they play some of the best metal videos of the 80s!

KISS

Who Wants To Be Lonely

Most Questionable Wardrobe Choice

Evidently Paul had to find something appropriate to wear as he had to try out for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat at 7, and then Rocky Horror Picture Show at 8.

The pink rubber-fringe gloves was a personal choice that reflects both the majesty of KISS and the need to keep his hands smooth and silky while doing the dishes.

Hottest Chick

Gene, hands down.

There's about 8 bottles of vaseline on that lens.  All from Gene's private stock.  He has a plenty left.

Best Dance Moves

Dance: "The not well rehearsed vinyl robot"
Choreography: A drunken and slightly brain damaged mongoose
Costume: The Home Depot Summer '86 PVC Collection
Pawing: Gene Simmons

Lyrics That Should Have Been Slept On

Who wants to be lonely?
All by yourself!
Who wants to be lonely?
Earwwahh wahh Eeeeahh wahhh ha wahhh*

* Sort of how I imagine a drowning Captain Caveman would sound.

Guitar Solo

Performed by "Not Ace."  Less booze, less interest from me!

Sexiest Moment

Stage Hand: Should we tell the models that we're going to spray them?
Director: Nah, chicks are hotter when surprised!